And Every Soul Shines
by KNeu24264
Summary: Sequel to First Light Second Chances. Leandra, newly fourteen, has learned many things over the years. Escaping consequences for her actions is something she's become skilled at. Until her luck runs out, and she finally has to face it. She can only run for so long. RATED 'M' for 'M' related themes! Seriously.
1. Chapter 1

**OpENING NOTES!:**

**BOY, it's been a while since I've typed one of these out. It feels kinda good. I can only hope this story is well received. I just have to say a few things here. **

***Ahem***

**1) ALL of this is pure fiction. Every single bit of it is made up. I really don't want anyone to think that anything you read about her doing is a good idea. It's not. **

**2) HEED THE RATING, PLS. It's rated 'M' for 'M' themes. I'm quite familiar with the 'M' territory, and I work hard to keep everything within the guidelines, so please keep the tomato throwing to a minimum. I'm allergic. :( **

**3) As I've tried to do in the past, I will be putting an 'ImPORTANT NOTE' at the top of each particularly heavy chapter. There shouldn't be too many in here, but we just never know, do we?**

**4) ****Erm.. Enjoy? I know there was a fourth thing here.. **

**Ah well. With that said, I'm just gonna skate right into the:**

**DiSCLAIMER!: **

**The entire Twilight story line and all it's characters belong to SM. Basically anything you recognize, I don't own. I only own all my original characters, and trust me, it's quite a cast. Sometimes they play well together, but other times.. Well, 'M' ratings happen.**

**I think that's all. Please feel free to give me your thoughts in the form of a review. Right down there at the bottom of this chapter. It's been awhile for me, so I'd love to hear what you thought of this one. Just no tomatoes, please lol **

**Here we go.**

**Chapter One**

"If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be?"

It was an idle question. Mildly curious, but it wasn't personal. I reached over, handing him the joint in my hand.

"Goose." I answered. "So I could fly into a volcano."

I wasn't surprised in the least when Zack started laughing so hard, he rolled into a coughing fit. I was pretty good at making him do that.

"Damn, Leandra." Josh laughed as well, and the sound was a little contagious. There was no way I could keep a straight face.

"What?" I asked innocently, turning my head to look over at him.

The three of us were laying on our backs across the picnic table behind the abandoned barn. Side by side, width wise over the top. Staring up at the pinkish gray evening clouds above us. We were never bothered here, so I wasn't sure why we didn't come here more often.

"Could you spell it out any clearer?" He asked in reply. "Most people say dog."

"Who the fuck would want to be a dog?" I asked. "I wouldn't do well as an animal that has to lick its own butt."

Zack had just started to recover. Shame.

He skipped his turn as Josh handed the joint back to me instead of him. Tonight was a sleepover night, so I knew I didn't have much to worry about. My family knew I was staying with him.

"I never thought about that." Josh was honestly stunned. "So I guess that means you wouldn't want to be a cat either."

"Or anything else that licks its own butt." I confirmed, and he chuckled. "How late does your dad work tonight?"

"Ten." Josh answered easily, and I nodded. That meant we had a bit longer out here before we had to go home and shower. Mark had started working away from home, and Heather was out of town.

"So can you go or not?" Zack finally managed to ask now that he'd caught his breath.

"I don't know." I replied for the thousandth time. "He still won't tell me yes or no. That's usually a good sign, though, but you know it would really help if I had more details."

"It's no big deal." Josh sighed and sat up, his longer hair falling into his eyes. "Seriously. It's California for two weeks. We go pretty much every summer, have a good time, and come back to plain old life here."

"I kind of get it." Zack sat up as well to Josh's right. "Do you really blame them?"

"Hey." I muttered defensively, and it was my turn to sit up. "If you _recall_, I haven't been grounded once, and you know why? Because I've done an _insane_ amount of hiding, and they have no idea about any of this. You have no _idea_ how hard that is." They really didn't.

"And?" It still wasn't news to Zack.

"And.." I went on. "I can't exactly say that they don't have a reason not to trust me, but I've never _given_ them a reason not to trust me."

"Yes you have." Josh chuckled.

"Okay, not lately." I countered firmly. "I've been good lately. It could still be yes, because for all they know, that was my first major offense."

"There's no way." Zack shook his head doubtfully. "They're not gonna let their thirteen year old daughter go that far alone." Technically, I was closer to fourteen than thirteen. I'd just have to wait three more days.

"I'm not gonna be alone." I replied, choosing not to point that out. "I'll be with Mark and Heather, and that matters."

"How?" He asked.

"You know as well as I do that they trust her with me like she's family." Both of their parents had protected me at some point in my past, and the fact that I trusted them too also went a long way.

"But is that enough to make them consider letting you come with us?" Zack looked over at me.

Zack was fourteen as well. He was older than me by four months, but I could tell I'd done more growing up than him. Both mentally and physically. He still had a lot of his boyish looks, but mostly in his eyes. He was just stepping into that weird year that would blind side him with all the changes.

I only recognized it in him because that's about where I'd been for the last nearly three years of my own life. I was already aware of things that he had no clue about yet. He hadn't yet had to question who he even was anymore, but he would.

Mentally, I felt forty. Mostly my own doing.

"I think it's enough." I replied to him confidently.

Josh reached over and took the joint from my hand. I passed it carefully.

He was my best friend.

I loved Zack and Andrew in their own way, but Josh felt like something a little different for many different reasons. Josh had done the most growing out of the four of us, considering he was only days away from sixteen himself. He didn't hold onto much of the boyish look, except in his eyes. It was now possible to see what he would look like when he was grown, but he kept himself.

I was just starting to see that, the older version of me. I had the basics, but I was still in the middle of so many things. My hair had grown out. I'd grown several inches taller, and though I was still not the tallest girl my age, it was much better than where I started. I wasn't as skinny as I used to be, but that was definitely the least of my insecurities.

I found sticking with too-big t-shirts helped me hide my biggest insecurity. I clung to my tom-boy days with both fists, but the rest of me refused to cooperate. It was a bit weird being the only one in the family getting older. It wasn't weird until I thought too much into it one day.

Bottom line, though, Josh was my best friend. Andrew was a close second, but there were still a lot more things I trusted Josh with than I did Andrew. I would dare say I trusted Josh with my life.

We'd all grown a lot closer since that day in the clearing. I turned to them for my normal.

"I hope they let you." Josh finally nodded, sighing out the breath he held.

"Me too." I muttered, looking down at my hands as I just couldn't keep the positivity up any longer. "But if Emmett has his way, they won't. He doesn't trust you." I glanced over at him.

A week ago, I'd been invited to go along with Zack and Josh on their normal trip to California for two weeks. Heather was already there, having gone ahead, so there was a seat open in their car this year, and it was offered to me, because I was pretty much part of their family.

My gift had actually gotten stronger the longer we went without things going horribly wrong. Smaller things were far easier to see than the overwhelming, traumatizing shit. I never felt the need to really push it, though. I was a little afraid of what I'd find, but it was far easier now to predict when things would go wrong. Now that I knew what to look for. Which markers to look at and leave the rest alone.

I just paid attention to the emotions that were able to find their way through the frustrating awake-blindness, and they would tell me to pay attention. It was that easy. My visions were very emotionally based, and that was both a pain in the ass, and getting easier by the day.

My gift was growing along with me. Aro was right. I felt better equipped to hold the reigns. By the time I reached sixteen, it would be about done. Unless it just kept getting stronger, but even I knew there had to be a limit until I was turned. That reminded me, though, of that agreement.

I hadn't seen Mikah in quite awhile. If they were giving him reports, they weren't telling me about it. He obviously had been banned from talking to me, because I hadn't seen hardly anything of him since that day. It sucked, but I'd have been lying if I said I hadn't expected that.

"_What_ is he so scared of?" Josh asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. "You're with us twenty of the twenty four hours a day already anyway."

"I don't even know." I sighed, accepting the joint back. I took the final drag off of it, so I put it out. "Killed it."

"Maybe.. _This_?" Zack asked with a laugh, gesturing to the three of us right as Josh exhaled his own laugh.

"What?" I asked, again innocently. He gave me a look, so I sighed. "You don't need to tell me how damn dead I would be if they ever found out."

"About which thing?" Zack asked snidely, and I laughed a little.

"Any of it." I stressed and he shrugged. I trusted him to shut up about it. Mainly because he knew that if I got busted, so would he. He was an accomplice and a voluntary participant. "I really don't know how I've been so lucky so far."

Considering all it would have taken to discover my activities is following me on any given day, the fact that they haven't said anything about said activities tells me that they didn't know. They hadn't spied on me. I was definitely not about to ask, but I had a feeling it had a lot to do with the fact that I was choosing to live. They didn't want to do anything that might change that.

"Well, whatever you're doing is working." Josh pointed out. "So I don't think they'd say no just because of what happened in that warehouse."

"You don't know Emmett." I muttered, but I was in thought.

"I do a little bit." He replied. "He cares about you. I just don't get why he'd think I'd ever do anything to hurt you. Or even that you'd let me do anything to hurt you." He and I both knew I'd kick his ass in a heartbeat.

"He's the one that's the most onto me." I laughed, nudging him a little.

Josh chuckled as well, climbing off the table first. "Come on."

I followed easily, Zack following last. Together, we made our exit. Through the abandoned barn, out on the other side. We walked up the road, passing quite a few familiar houses on our way to the street.

"See you guys at home?" Zack was parting ways with us. He had other people he needed to see before the trip. That wasn't weird, because he had his own set of friends now.

"Yep." Josh replied. "Have fun." He nodded and turned, walking away. I laughed a little as we headed in another direction. I tossed whatever was left of the joint in a passing puddle, just so I wouldn't have that smell stuck in my clothes.

Hiding my habits from my family was an incredible feat. Even if they didn't spy on me.

I was even further from being the perfect child anymore. I wasn't doing that well. Definitely not as well as my family thought I was.

I was a stranger to myself. I felt like I had no real identity, so that was no surprise. I did things that I knew were wrong. Just to do them. I really was surprised by how much I could do, and get away with. New experiences to be had if I only dropped a little bit of that shell. My timer was still ticking, walls closing in, and I had a feeling it had a lot to with that.

Of course I kept these things a secret. Knowing these things were wrong, I was plenty ashamed, but I didn't exactly have to face them if I just kept going. Leaving a path of destruction behind me.

The moment we got home from that clearing, my fate felt sealed. I was depressed for a time, but when I got back up, it had done its sinking in. I lost a lot of my trepidation and hesitation. It just peeled off like it was never there. Something about knowing I didn't have a choice in where I ended up anymore made it harder to care about it.

I sat down one night, made a list, and told my family every single bit of what I held back. I told them all about my past, all the things I did and all the things I was forced to do. I told them about the things behind the guilt and shame I felt. There were some hard details to disclose, but I got through them.

Not even looking for any specific reaction or response, I just told them. Every bit of it. They took it better than I could have expected, but my humiliation didn't last that long. I completely cleared out the things in the darkness, but I had to suspect that I did it wrong, because doing that just left a hole. An icy void, every bit as cold as that clearing had been.

That night was the last time I was completely honest with them.

After that, I started spending more time with the boys, out somewhere doing or getting into something. I spent the night with the boys more often, as often as they'd let me. I searched for something, anything to stuff into that icy void to either numb it or stop the bleeding.

I first kissed Josh, on my own, three days before my twelfth birthday. From then on, it became more of a game between us. We had fun with it, and we'd joke around, but as of lately, it was becoming something different. Both for him, and for me.

I didn't quite understand it, but by then, it was a habit. I did my flirting with Andrew too, but it wasn't the same. Zack was my age too, and sure he was fun to be around, but it was still different. Josh understood it better, because he was the one I'd chosen to show that side of me to.

Through the three of them, mostly through Josh, I met people. Older people, as I still got along better with older kids than I did anyone my own age. Older siblings or family members of his friends. Friends of friends. Through them, I was getting into things my family would really disapprove of. I found ways to get my hands on things I shouldn't have been able to get. Of course, a few of those things brought a lot of my walls down. That in itself allowed a certain trust to develop.

By some miracle, my family had no clue. If they knew, they didn't let me know.

I swore to myself, one night throwing up, that I'd never feel the remorse. It was hard to feel guilt when I found a few new things to bury it under. It made it go away.

"Hungry?" Josh asked, bringing me out of my thoughts yet again. Somewhere near the middle of town. I knew why he would ask.

"Nah." I sighed. "I'm a little tired, though." He nodded, understanding. It wasn't a weird occurrence for me to be tired after the activity we'd just concluded. I always slept like I'd been sleep deprived my whole life. He knew that, so when I mentioned anything about being tired, he always accepted it without question.

He lightly took my hand and we continued on. We walked a little slowly, just enjoying the evening. These trips through town always seemed to go by faster when my mind wasn't constantly mid-train wreck.

Just as I expected, their house was empty when we got there.

I had to go home early the next morning, as Alice had a shopping trip planned, so I chose to shower before going to sleep. Wrapped in a towel, I threw my clothes in the washer. There could be no trace of what we'd just been doing. It was habit by now. A routine that worked. They never asked why I was always so clean when I got home.

This was my second home, so that was probably why.

I'd spent more nights on their floor or in Josh's bed after a long day of laughing. A year ago, only doing the more subtle of bad things. Just beginning to get into the things we had gotten into.

Yeah, there weren't many of those things I was proud of, but those things had little things about it that made it so much more than just a bad decision. I couldn't force myself to regret something that at the time lifted the weight of everything off of me for a short time.

Trying to not die of laughter silently was a thing I learned on those nights. Laughing until I was crying made me forget, for that short time, that I had no reason to keep growing up.

As the activities progressed, Josh had been there. Through all those bad decisions, and the worse ones, he was always right there with me. In the same boat, on the same slippery slope. Along for the same ride I'd chosen for me, because he saw what it did for me.

Not having brought any pajamas with me, I just borrowed a shirt from Josh to sleep in while my clothes were getting clean. Also not a strange occurrence.

We chatted, sitting on his bed until I could toss my clothes in the dryer, and after that, I was free to sleep whenever I wanted to.

My sleep had gotten better over time. It felt like I was finally catching up, and as Carlisle had always told me, everything else just got better with its improvement. I felt more in control of myself, and my temper was slower to reach its boiling point. I was generally calmer, but only in an emotional sense. My walls were stronger than ever.

I returned to the boys' room after tossing my clothes in the dryer only to find Josh leaving the room. He paused long enough to trap me, grin and kiss me. It was a risk for him to do that, but I was in an okay mood, so I laughed a little and returned it.

If my family knew how often I kissed him, more than I should have, they'd have locked me in the house, and refused to let me see the light of day again. It was just kissing, though, as the thought of anything more made me want to punch him. So far.

It was never weird, because I'd had the chance to come around on my own.

Either Mark was oblivious, or he just didn't think it was bad enough. He was far more passive than he had been when we were younger, and far more passive than Carlisle clearly thought. He was far more passive than Heather, which was going to be tricky if I was able to go on this trip with them. We'd been pretty successful keeping her in the dark so far, though.

Now, had that been all, I had a slight hope of being ungrounded before my sixteenth birthday, but it really wasn't. It was no secret to anyone that knew us there was a decent crush going on, on both ends, but I chose to set up camp in denial.

We still slept in the same bed, which was a little harder to pull off but it was so much better than trying to sleep on the floor. Plus, there was just something about knowing he had my back that made it easy. He always had my back, not that I would ever admit I needed him to. I silently counted my lucky stars often that he was there to keep me out of trouble, even if I was constantly seeking it.

Waking up next to him was still comforting to me. Though they'd long since gotten rid of Mark's home office and given Zack his own room, being secluded in Josh's room in the middle of the night didn't feel strange in the least because we'd been doing it since I started spending the night at their house.

Even the nights I barely remember, it was normal to wake with him just as foggy and hung over as I was, and we'd laugh about it when we'd get away with it.

Fast forward to now, hardly a year later, I could open my eyes in the morning and look at the back of his head, and know that no matter where I ended up in two and a half years, someone else would know I mattered. I would matter to just one more person, and I would find comfort in the memories I made while mattering.

That wasn't to say, though, that I was immune to my down days now. It was a precarious balance. It was when I felt those down days coming that made me scramble for things to numb myself. It was a war. I usually had a handle on myself enough to be pretty successful in beating those inner demons back, but every now and then, they got the better of me and swallowed me whole. It was a constant war.

Josh knew that balance because he'd held me. Somehow, he knew.

When I couldn't stop shaking, he was there. Too sick to move, he held me. He helped me see the pattern, and he helped me hold on. When those inner demons decided to grab on and run rampant, despite my best efforts to beat them back, he laid with me. Grounding me until I got far enough into my own mind that I could see the other side of these moods.

All without asking a single damn question. He wasn't trying to fix anything. He wasn't pressing me for answers. He was only my life raft, with no expectations of me. On the other side of these moods, he was there to help me back up. To pull me to my feet and dust me off.

I used to think it would be weird to rely on him like this, given who he was related to, but he was nothing like Jack had been, so that wasn't genetic at least.

He came back into the room with a dark brown bottle in one hand, his phone in the other, laughing a little.

"Sophia called four times." He said, sitting next to me. Sophia was his now-and-then girlfriend. Mostly when he was bored. It wasn't that he was a bad person, but she was a lot to deal with with her jealousy and clinginess, and of course I was going to take his side.

I rolled my eyes. "Tell her to fuck off already."

"I wish I could." He sighed, tossing his phone onto the bed in front of us. He offered me the bottle, and I considered it. Drinking was another one of my newer habits. As opposed to it as I was years ago, that was before I'd ever really given it a try.

"Sure." I muttered, taking the bottle from him. I had time. My stash of gum in the downstairs drawer would cover whatever brushing my teeth twice didn't. I went to almost-obsessive lengths to cover this little habit of mine. Smoking, no matter the substance, was a little harder to hide.

I'd gone home once with the smell of cigarette smoke on me, and I was so close to being busted, but I blamed it on our friend Kevin. He was eighteen, and perfectly allowed to make those choices, so they didn't ask much passed that.

Kevin was most responsible for finding me whatever I wasn't supposed to get my hands on. Most of it, he already had anyway, but he had a soft spot for me.

I was a little more careful after that.

We were usually free to help ourselves to the beer in the fridge, because Mark and Heather were on very different work schedules. They assumed one or the other accounted for the missing ones. Now that she was in California, we still weren't worried.

Taking a sip first, I let the burn set in, warming me up before I took a bigger drink.

"But you know how she can get." He continued, shaking his head. "And believe it or not, I kinda like her."

"Is kinda liking her enough to keep yourself on a leash?" I asked, handing him the bottle.

"I'm not on a leash." He argued lightly, but he didn't have much else to argue with. He knew I knew she wasn't good enough for him, and he didn't want to add anything to that that would prove me right.

"Okay." I nodded. "If you say so." He chuckled, nudging me, which made me laugh in return.

There we were, having the house completely to ourselves for probably the next three or four hours, and we used that time to talk.

It was probably what I appreciated most about him. I could probably stand there completely naked, and he'd throw a shirt at me. Not because he didn't notice, but because he knew I'd punch him if he even thought about it.

He was just days away from sixteen, and I knew Sophia wasn't clingy for no reason, but I still couldn't bring myself around to that thought. There was something there, I couldn't deny that. I was just hesitant to cross my own line and I'd defend that line with that previously-mentioned punch. He knew this. Although, looking over at him, I wondered if I ever would cross it.

"Let's sleep." I brought myself away from that thought with a deep breath. I didn't like going there in my head, and the fact that I did meant that it was time to go to sleep. Despite the fact that I knew here was a better place to think about that than home would be. That was my excuse, though.

Home, I could be that good kid I wished I was. Forcing thoughts to behave was something not many people could do, but I was pretty practiced at mastering my own mind by then. I had to be, with the possibility of Edward dropping by at any moment being a thing to consider. Forcing my thoughts to behave meant I also had to believe I was good.

Getting passed Alice was something I actually _hadn't_ expected, but the more I got away with, the more confident I had become. I asked, just out of curiosity one day, and had been told somewhat hesitantly that she still had trouble seeing me. Once my gift started to get stronger, it became harder for her to see me and my decisions. The funny thing was, I could still see her just fine.

I took that as a good thing.

As long as I didn't damage my outward appearance in any way, I could pretty much hide anything else I did. As much as I wanted to pierce my lip, that definitely wouldn't fly.

"Don't forget to brush." Josh pointed out, and I nodded. I had forgotten. I darted up, crossing the hall into the bathroom. By the time I got back, he was already laying down with the light off, so I quickly laid down too.

Just like any other night of drinking and smoking, I was deeply asleep in a moment. Sleep wasn't fleeting like this. It was not only attainable, it was also expected, and blissful unconsciousness was always my goal. Just nothing.

Right on time, Alice was there to pick me up at the usual time the following morning, and none the wiser, because I was ready and waiting for her. Gum between my teeth.

"I don't see why I even have to go." I muttered, closing the passenger door of her car behind me. "I don't need like fifty new shirts or bras, Alice. I hate the ones I have, and you'll probably just choose what I get anyway." She started the car.

"There's just something thrilling about taking someone shopping against their will." She was joking, but only a little. I knew her. I rolled my eyes, shaking my head at the window as we got moving.

"Is it so wrong to want to spend time with you?" She asked in my silence. "We all know you'd rather be roaming around town with your friends, but sometimes, we'd like some Leandra time too."

I couldn't argue with that. They'd definitely given me my space. Time to come to terms with myself and figure out what impression I was going to leave behind me.

"I know." I replied, my tone a little less bitter. I did know.

"It just seems like we hardly see you anymore." She added, lighter. "You're growing up so quickly, it's like you're a little different every time we see you."

"It's just easier." I admitted. Knowing I'd have to leave one day, it was easier for me to distance myself now instead of waiting for the last second.

"What's bothering you, Leandra?" She asked. "You're normally not this grumpy."

"I'm turning fourteen in two days." I mumbled in response. "That's what."

She was quiet now, knowing exactly what I was getting at. The unavoidable time limit. Sixteen wasn't far from fourteen, and Aro had given me until December twenty-seventh of my sixteenth year alive before he'd be back for me.

I even got a card from him for my last two birthdays. That fucked my whole day up. I was pretty sure if another one came this year, they'd just get rid of it.

"You can't stop living." She reminded me quietly. "I know it's hard to keep going, but please don't let this bother you so much."

"I've got a timer above my head, Alice." I grumbled, not bothering to look at her. "How does that not bother me? And I'm not going to stop living."

"We'll figure something out." She replied. "Don't worry."

"If figuring something out was possible, it would have been done by now." I countered bitterly. "We can't run, because that leaves everybody here wide the fuck open. They'd just find us wherever we went anyway. We can't fight, because they won't spare us for any reason this time. I can't just _not_ go. That's just the same as fighting. As much as I hate it, I won't be the reason you all get killed. Sorry, but that's just how I am. I'll go, but I don't have to be happy about it. There's nothing."

"What was it you said that day, right when Aro returned to the clearing?" She asked, glancing over at me.

I frowned in thought, and fell quiet. I couldn't remember. It felt like so long ago.

"You said that there was no right way." She answered for me. "I'm taking that to mean-"

"Oh." I recalled. "That meant that he would have come back no matter what decision anyone made. There was no right way to keep me hidden."

"So maybe there's a chance we can somehow prove that the entire agreement was premeditated."

"Pre-what?" I asked, looking over.

"It means that he had been planning it for awhile."

"Prove to who?" I asked. "Who would even care about me? It wouldn't matter if we even could prove it, because I already agreed."

"Under duress." She specified. "Leandra, you were very obviously traumatized during that whole interaction. You felt everything you loved was being threatened, and being forced to make a decision like that was very cruel."

"That doesn't change-"

"It would have." She stressed. "Had you been given enough time to calm down, I know it would have changed your answer. I really think there's a small chance Aro would be willing to negotiate."

I really didn't know what she was getting at, but I sighed.

"If you're talking about another stand-off, I can't do it." I shook my head.

"You would be surprised the lengths we're willing to go to to stop this whole thing from happening, Leandra." She said, looking over at me. "You've done so well since then, and we want to see you continue to do well."

I closed my eyes. I wasn't.

"Done what well?" I prompted. What did she mean?

"It used to be nearly impossible to get you to leave the house." She reminded me. "Now it's almost impossible to get you to stay. I understand you have reasons behind that, but at the same time, you're getting out and having those important interactions with other people."

I didn't see the point in arguing any further, so I sighed again.

"We know what you're trying to do." She murmured. "Just.. A little less? We're working on it. I promise."

I was quiet now. I'd just deal with it. It hurt me that it felt like I had to, because there was nothing I'd love more than to be able to enjoy spending time with my family. Even shopping, but at the same time, I knew it would only hurt more in the end. There was a sadness at the end of this ride I was on. One I avoided thinking about.

"Sorry." I finally mumbled, glancing over at her. Her eyes were both concerned and sad as she glanced over at me as well.

"I know." She offered a small smile, but it still hurt. I didn't like snapping. "You've come so far. We're all so proud of you."

I didn't really like hearing that. Things like that almost made me feel guilty for all the things I did.

I had learned to get a grasp on my temper, but it was far from solved. If anything, it'd gotten worse the older I got, but it had grown inward. I didn't lash out as much as I used to, but I'd learned to keep it to myself. When I finally yelled, it meant I couldn't hold it back anymore, and when I was quieter than usual, it was time to leave me alone.

At least, when it came to my family. With everyone else, I had a front. A mask that kept them at arm's length unless I was okay with them. My history of causing mayhem at school was a good thing now. It had given me a reputation that was rather easy to maintain.

Minutes later, I suddenly felt lighter. There was a shift, and the emotions among that told me that it was good news. I smiled a little, looking over at her.

"Carlisle's gonna say yes." I guessed, and she looked over at me as well. There was no fooling me anymore. Her small smile was enough. I bounced a little in my seat, grinning.

"Be sure to thank Esme when you find out." She replied. "She's very persuasive, and she insists it'll be a good experience for you."

Esme definitely had more pull when talking to Carlisle than Emmett did. That was no secret, so for the most part, all I had to do was get Esme on my side. It was a big deal, though, so until he actually agreed this time, it was anyone's guess.

"I will." I agreed sincerely. I was pretty happy at this news, so shopping would go well.

We didn't go far. I only got a few new outfits, so it wasn't excessive. I mostly just wanted to get home so I could pack.

Walking, I couldn't help my grin through the house.

"Why are you so happy?" Emmett caught that, and I laughed. He hadn't been told yet, so naturally, he was suspicious.

"Because I win." I stopped to look at him.

"You win?" He asked, standing up.

"I win." I repeated, smiling smugly.

"What do you win?"

"I'll let Carlisle tell you." I pretty much just answered it for him, because there weren't many pressing issues between the family. Right on time, Carlisle descended the stairs. Esme close behind him.

"Oh, don't tell me." Emmett groaned, looking right at him. "You can't be serious. You know she's been sick."

He was referring to my cough. It definitely wasn't the same cough I'd had a few years ago after the fire, but I thought it was the perfect thing to blame it on. At least until it was coming back to bite me.

"A little cough." I replied. "So what? It's nothing like it used to be. I'm fine." Which was true.

Carlisle sighed. "I understand your hesitation on the matter, Emmett, but I must agree with Esme."

"She's thirteen." Emmett pointed at me.

"Almost fourteen." I countered. "I think I can spend two weeks five minutes away from you without dying, thanks."

"I don't trust that face." Emmett looked at Carlisle again. "I don't like this. You know she's just going to come back pregnant."

"No I won't." I rolled my eyes in his direction. Looking at him from where I stood, hugging Esme. Emmett just didn't understand that _that_ was probably the only line I wouldn't cross. _That_ was the least of his worries.

"Josh is the one I'm worried about. Zack is just as much of a threat, but you've always had a thing for Josh." Emmett replied. "He's sixteen, Leandra."

"He's still fifteen until the sixteenth." I reminded him. Technical.

"That hardly matters."

"And he has a girlfriend." I added. "Who isn't me."

"Boys don't think about things like that." He countered. I crossed my arms, glaring up at him. He mimicked my posture, right down to glaring.

"But I do." I countered. "Besides. I've been spending tons of time with both of them, and do I look pregnant to you?"

Probably in an attempt to ease the tension, he quickly reached forward and poked my stomach. I gave an involuntary laugh, swatting his hand away. As frustrating as it was to argue with Emmett, it was impossible to stay mad at him.

"Nope." He said. "Still squishy." I laughed, unable to help it, but I was still irritated.

"I don't know why you worry so much." I said. "I already said I won't ever do anything like that, and I meant it."

"Guaranteed, you won't be thinking. Even if it's not Josh. Some boy is going to see you, and you won't even see it coming." He said, and I glared, offended at his lack of faith in my intelligence. "Hey, I'm just being realistic. I don't want you coming back pregnant, because some smooth-talking Casanova talked his way into your shorts."

"I don't think I've ever been more grossed out." I grumbled, looking to Carlisle again. "Make him shut up."

"Carlisle, I'm letting you know now that I'm so far beyond disapproving of this, it's not even funny." Emmett sighed, looking to Carlisle as well.

"I think it's about time we start trusting her more." Carlisle said in return.

"Remember what happened the last time we trusted her?" He asked in return. "I know you do."

He was talking about the fire I'd set in the abandoned mill just east of town a few months before, back in January. I hadn't been thinking, and didn't even consider how fast old wood burns. It had just been me, Josh, and a couple of his older friends. That had been the very worst time for that place to burn, too.

"Am I going to be punished for that forever?" I asked. "Because if I am, it'd be helpful to know now."

"Forever doesn't even cover it." Emmett grumbled. "You could have died, shorty. It's bad enough you guys were even playing in a place like that."

"Then I'll just add that to my list of 'almost killed me' things." It was almost funny when we stared each other down like this. Not only because he was still so much taller than me, but because I normally didn't give up unless I had to.

"The point is," Carlisle called our attention now, "I'm trusting her. She's getting old enough that she deserves it."

"Ha." I snapped smugly in Emmett's direction, turning. I headed off toward my room to start packing. I'd have to let Josh know that I had gotten the go-ahead. A little close call, considering they were leaving the next morning.

"A few rules." Carlisle called after me, and I paused in the hallway. Sighing, I turned back around.

"Ha." Emmett snapped, smirking.

"You'll keep your phone on you at all times." Carlisle said. "If I call, and you don't answer within three rings, I'm bringing you home. I don't care what your excuse is." I winced, sighing again.

"Okay." I agreed, letting him know to continue. I knew he'd keep that promise.

"I've made a request with Heather." I was already humiliated. "She doesn't trust Josh as much as I'm trusting you, so she's agreed to keep an eye on the both of you while you're there."

"Aw, man." I whined, covering my face with my hands, before looking at him again. "You know she actually will, right?"

"I do know that." Carlisle nodded. "That is the only way I even considered letting you go."

"So much for trusting me."

"It's those boys I don't trust. Emmett is unfortunately right in that regard." He explained, but I just rolled my eyes. He really wasn't worrying about the right thing. "Now. Final rule." I waited, crossing my arms. "You don't hesitate to call. For any reason."

"Done." I grinned, turning again. I should have known that was way too quick.

"Leandra, I mean it." He followed me as I made my way into my room. "None of this worrying about bothering me, or thinking it's not important enough. I want you to call if absolutely anything comes up."

"Yeah, yeah." I mumbled, already halfway into my closet.

"If I find out you hesitated, I won't feel the slightest bit guilty for assigning Alice body guard duty for the rest of your days. Am I clear?"

"Crystal." I answered, tossing shirts onto the floor behind me. I sighed, standing. "Where the hell is that green shirt?"

"Did I hear body guard duty?" Alice was suddenly in the doorway.

"Uh-uh." I said, stepping back incredulously. I nearly tripped over a pile of shirts, but I recovered. "He said if I was bad. I haven't been bad yet."

"You're leaving the state." Alice stressed. "I think this calls for a little bit of watching. Especially since I can't look ahead for you." That had come up before, but I had a feeling she was just using it as an excuse now.

"No it doesn't." I replied. "I'll be perfectly fine. I know the rules, and I have every intention of following them. I'm not stupid anymore, Alice." I looked pleadingly to Carlisle. "Promise me I won't be followed anyway. You know you can trust me."

He sighed.

"Promise me." I insisted, crossing my arms. He gave me a look. "The last time I really messed up was like six months ago. How was I supposed to know that old warehouse would burn that fast?"

"You're not helping your case." He reminded me, and I shut up. I tried another direction.

"I turn fourteen in two days." I whined. "All I'm asking for is just a little bit of trust. A little bit of freedom. That's it, and that means no following me around like the damn CIA." I could see I was swaying him, so I put on my best innocent smile. "Please? I'll follow your rules, and even give you permission to change them at any time. Please. _Please_ don't let Alice stalk me."

"Alright." He finally chuckled. "Alright, Leandra. You won't be followed. As much as that bothers me, I know it's what you want."

"Thank you." I sighed, grinning. I could usually get my way when it came to Carlisle. I wasn't sure what it was, probably a mix of everything, but I wasn't complaining.

I really couldn't wait. I had a week's worth of clothes packed in one bag in under an hour. I didn't own any bathing suits so I'd probably just have to wear a tank top and some shorts. Shorts, I did have.

I texted Josh the good news, and the amount of exclamation points I received in his reply told me he was just about as excited as I was. He told me he was visiting with Kevin, which told me he would be coming prepared.

Sleep was nearly impossible, but I managed to get an hour or two when the excitement would ease enough to let me. I gave up trying after five in the morning, scooting across the hall for a shower.

"Only leaving the state would be reason enough to get her butt out of bed before noon." Emmett commented when I scooted back across the hall. I flipped him off before shutting the door.

I could only hope my luck held out, and Edward stayed away long enough for me to get going. The last thing I needed was for him to tattle about why I was so excited. He'd been pretty scarce lately, since Ness had been spending more time out of the house too, and something told me that it wouldn't be an issue.

I had my bag in hand three restless hours later. We stood on the porch, waiting.

"Leandra." I looked back at Carlisle, trying to ease my nerves. "I want to specify rules for this as well." I slowly reached up and took what he offered. I was amazed, looking at it wide eyed, before looking back up at him.

"Emergencies." He said. "I'm not sending you that far away without a way to get money." The credit card felt too heavy in my hand as I looked it over. "You can use it for clothing, in case what you have is too warm, and things to eat if you're out. I know you'll be responsible with it."

"You know me better than that." I said, pulling my pretty empty wallet from my pocket and placing the card gently inside. "I won't go buying tons of stuff. It'll take a miracle for me to even think about using it." Which was the truth, but I appreciated the gesture. I'd never had much use for money. If I wanted anything bad enough, I just stole it.

Up until that card had been nestled in there, my wallet had very little worth. Maybe fourty-three bucks in random bills that had been in there for months now, and thirty-seven cents in change. My I.D. and that was pretty much it. If I could be trusted with anything, which wasn't much, it was money.

Minutes later, I bounced in place, grinning as Mark's car pulled up. I turned, hugging Carlisle briefly, and I smiled up at him.

"Thank you for letting me go." I told him, and I gave Esme a hug next. "And tell Emmett that he has nothing to worry about."

"I'll try." Esme laughed. "You know he won't listen to me. Go have fun, honey. We'll see you in two weeks."

I grinned, and nodded. Running off to the car. Josh climbed out of the back seat to take my bag from me, giving me a smile.

"I can't believe they agreed to let you go." He told me, grinning to match mine. I followed as he stepped around the back, finding room in the back of the smaller SUV for my bag right on top. He playfully shoved me on our way back around the car. Zack climbed out as well. He pulled open the door for me, and offered the back seat to me, but Mark spoke up from the front seat.

"Uhm.." All three of us paused, looking to him. "Leandra, how about you sit up front with me?"

"Aw, come on." I whined, and he smirked.

"Sorry." He muttered, not sounding sorry in the least. I glanced to Carlisle and Esme still on the porch, and their smiles told me they heard. I sighed, but shrugged. Zack pulled this door open for me now, and I climbed into the passenger seat. I wasn't bothered by this yet.

I knew Mark better than Carlisle did, clearly, and all of this was merely an act. I wasn't bothered by Mark's attempted authority. All I had to do was be patient. It was the same every time.

"A word?"

Before Josh or Zack could get in, all three of us looked toward the porch at Emmett's call as he made his way out onto the porch, Jasper following closely. I slid down the seat a little, Mark chuckling beside me.

"Emmett." I warned out the window. "Leave them alone."

"Just one second." Emmett wasn't playing around. "A quick word." He slapped a now nervous Josh on the shoulder, leading him a few steps away. Jasper herding Zack along with them.

"Never fails." Mark muttered, shaking his head. "I'm actually surprised- Oh wait. Here they come." I glanced back, dying a little more as Rosalie and Alice came from inside as well.

"Oh god." I whined. "Guys, leave them alone." Esme was trying so hard to stop laughing, but wasn't very successful.

Out of the four of them, Rosalie seemed the most intimidating, Emmett a close second. Both Josh and Zack nodded their heads almost continuously, and I felt lucky to have heard Rose's parting warning.

"Paws off." She pointed to the both of them. "Or I'll remove them permanently." I could imagine the looks on their faces.

"Creative." Mark nodded a little, having heard as well.

"Okay." I called out the window. "Can we go now?"

"Let's just let that sink in for a minute." Rose replied, glaring to the two boys in front of her. I rolled my eyes.

"I think it's in as far as it'll sink, Rosalie." I replied. "They'd be nuts to cross you. Much less Emmett. Or anyone else threatening their lives."

"Good point." Rose finally admitted. "Okay. You can go. Have fun, but not too much fun. Understand?"

"Perfectly." Zack replied, nodding quickly. She accepted that, and they both turned at the same time. Scooting quickly back to the car. I rolled my eyes again, shaking my head.

If she only knew.

Mark started toward the drive, and Josh chuckled, leaning forward from the backseat. The smile that came to my face once we hit the highway was felt.

"So-"

"Wait." I interrupted. We weren't far enough away yet.

"Why-"

"Just.. Wait." I wasn't stupid. I was taking no risks. I made him wait until we were through town before I turned, smiling a little. "Okay."

He leaned forward and I kissed him briefly.

"Did you bring them?" I asked hopefully, biting my lip, and I vaguely saw Mark shake his head in disapproval.

"You're kidding, right?" Josh asked, smiling as well. "Need one?"

"Badly." I sighed, and he chuckled. Reaching into the armrest in the door, he grabbed the pack of cigarettes sitting there. Pulling one out for himself, and one for me, he lit both at once before handing one to me.

I grabbed it eagerly, pausing for a second to kiss him lightly before returning to my own seat.

"You guys are going to kill yourselves." Mark grumbled to himself, but we ignored him. Much like we always did. Despite Mark's big appearance, we got away with a lot more than we ever should have, having outgrown being intimidated by him.

I decided then that the front was too lonely, so I unfastened my seat belt, and climbed over the center console into the backseat, sitting myself between Zack and Josh. Just as I'd figured, Mark didn't say a word. I just made sure not to bump him.

I sighed after the first long drag, resting against Josh's arm. I'd been needing one since yesterday, but there was no way I was bringing it up to everyone at home. Either Edward hadn't said anything, or I was just that good at hiding it. Or he had said something, and nobody felt the need to correct me on it, which I found extremely unlikely.

"Better?" Josh asked, and I nodded. He laughed, putting his arm around me and pulling me against him. "You can thank Kevin for providing two weeks worth for us."

I grinned. "Thank you, Kevin."

Josh smiled, kissing me again. Longer this time, and I cooperated for a little while, kissing him back for several seconds, until I pushed him away playfully.

"After nicotine." I told him. "Trust me. I like you too, but you're not addicting."

"I beg to differ." He pouted a little. "I've been told I am."

"How is Sophia, by the way?" I grinned, and he gave me a look. "I know. No talking about your ugly ass girlfriend. Is she still being a bitch?"

"Yes." He was being truthful. "She was going on and on this morning. She doesn't like you."

"I know." I smiled. "I just don't know why." I knew exactly why. Especially as I took Josh's hand in mine. He gave me a look, and I laughed. "Sorry. I really do feel bad." I leaned against him, reaching across him and ashing out the window. He deserved a lot better than someone like her anyway, and I was always ready to tell him that.

"So then why don't you take her place?" He asked, bumping me with his shoulder. "I know you'd get used to it, the whole boyfriend thing."

"Because I'm thirteen." I replied, rolling my eyes.

"Almost fourteen." He pointed out and I laughed. "She's fifteen. So?"

"None of you should have boyfriends or girlfriends." Mark grumbled to himself. "So knock it off."

"And besides." I continued as if Mark hadn't said anything. "You wouldn't like me anymore if I did."

"I think I would like you even more." He joked, leaning in for another kiss.

"Right." I smiled sarcastically, giving him a kiss in return. "Because I'm so nice, and pretty." I gave him a sweet smile before slapping his cheek lightly. "Emmett doesn't let a day go by without telling me what dogs boys are."

"You are pretty." He countered. "And one of the best friends I've ever had. You really think I'd hurt you?"

I hummed in thought briefly, before smiling. "Yes." That was a huge lie.

He gave me an offended look before I moved. Climbing over his lap to get closer to the window, I sat on his knees facing him.

"That is very unsafe." Mark told us. "Leandra, sit right, please."

"I will." I said, nodding. I took a few quick last puffs of my cigarette before letting the hot end fall off in the breeze passing outside the window, and finding the garbage bag in the car for the butt. I hated littering, so I didn't.

I went to climb off Josh's lap, but his hands caught my waist.

He grinned, and in reflex, I slapped him, hard enough for it to echo in the car. I immediately started laughing, Zack joining me, his attention gained by the sound.

"Bam." Zack laughed. "Good one, Leandra."

"I'm sorry." I repeated multiple times, leaning forward and hugging Josh's neck. He laughed along with me, so I knew I hadn't hurt him that bad. "I didn't mean to hit you that hard." I kissed his cheek, and he shook his head a little.

"No biggie." He chuckled. "It sounded harder than it was."

"You know I don't hit you for real anymore, right?" I pulled back a little and looked at him. I had to make sure he knew that.

"I know." He laughed, seeming confused as he met my gaze. "Don't worry about it, Leandra."

"Leandra, can you please sit right?" Mark asked again, and I remembered.

"Right." I said. "Sorry." I slid off of Josh's lap, settling back down between Josh and Zack. "So." I sighed, taking Josh's hand again. "Am I the only one you invited?"

"Actually no." He answered, entwining his fingers with mine. "Andrew and his dad will be coming in a couple of days. They're leaving tomorrow. They'll take their time getting there, though."

"Awesome." I grinned. That news made me happy. It'd been awhile since I'd seen Andrew. We tended to fall in different crowds these days, but I still loved him.

"We'll have a houseful this summer." Mark commented. "For once, someone is going to have to sleep on the couch."

"Did you invite Sophia?" I asked, grinning a little.

"No." Josh answered. "I didn't feel like having her nagging me the whole time, or wondering why I haven't called her in three hours."

"Ha." I said. "Just admit it. You hate her."

"She's got nothing in common with me." He said. "I don't hate her, I just don't like being harassed. I've never met anyone else like you, Leandra."

"So I've heard." I smirked, glancing over at him. He laughed, shook his head, but took my other hand and pulled me across him to sit on his lap again. I sat there for a second, playfully moving his hands back and forth.

He seemed like he wanted to say something, but considering his mood had softened drastically, I knew I didn't want to hear it. Just as he was about to speak, I quickly leaned forward and kissed him. Just to keep him from saying anything.

I slid off his lap, bounced once, and climbed back up front. He slapped my butt on my way up there. I yelped, but laughed along with him.

"So where are we staying? Hotel?" I wondered once I was settled in my seat.

"Dad gets the same beach house every year." Zack explained.

"Oh, cool." I nodded. That was pretty cool. "So." I was trying to lighten the mood. "What do you guys wanna do when Andrew gets there? There's got to be more to do than just sit around the beach all day."

He let it drop easily.

"Not much else." Josh said. "Well, there is, but we prefer to just watch the beach. I think you can imagine why."

"The girls." I answered, rolling my eyes as I looked back at him.

"Only one this summer." He grinned, in that boyish way.

"Uh-huh. Nice try." I mumbled, unable to keep from smiling in return.

"So how'd you get them to agree to let you come with us?" Zack asked, and I looked to him, thankful for the change in the subject.

"Pouted." I answered simply. "Carlisle thought it was about time I be trusted." Josh snorted, leaning forward again.

"Like you can be trusted." He smirked, and I narrowed my eyes.

"Hey, I can be trusted. You just wait. I won't fuck this up." I kissed Josh one last time, before slapping him, easier this time, and turning, looking forward again.

"I wish you would." Josh laughed, and I gave him a look.

"You know I won't." I said. "Emmett is so convinced I'll be coming back pregnant, and he'll have to skin you."

"You kidding me?" Josh frowned. "Nothing against you, but I don't want a kid."

"Neither do I." I said. "I'm thirteen, for fuck's sake. You know Emmett would gladly skin you, and I kinda like you. I don't want you to die."

"And I don't want to be stuck with one either." Mark commented. "So keep it in your pants, boy."

"Dad, I'm not stupid." Josh replied. "Nobody's having a kid."

"Keep thinking that way." Mark nodded.

"New subject, please." Zack grumbled out the window. He was uncomfortable.

"Leandra, put your seat belt on." Mark said, and I laughed a little.

"Eh." I said. "If I die, I die."

"Please?" He asked, and I sighed. Thinking about it, he was right. Turning forward again, I reached over, pulling the seat belt over my shoulder and across myself. Clicking it into place. "Thank you."

"There's a cop up ahead." I said. "Good call, and watch your speed."

He knew better than to ask, or doubt, so I felt him slowing down. Sure enough, minutes later, the car that had passed us at 90 miles per hour was tagged, and I openly laughed at him, watching as we spotted him stopped on the side of the interstate with said cop parked behind him.

Through the gist of the emotions I got, I knew the gist of what to look for. I chose not to press it, though. Without more pressing issues, I let it come to me, which was easier than I thought it'd be.

"I love it when you do that." Mark chuckled, shaking his head. It wasn't the first time.

"You're welcome." I grinned. Nobody ever asked how I knew these things. They just accepted that I did, which was what made it so very easy to get along with Josh and his family.

"So are you excited?" Mark asked, glancing to me.

"Very." I admitted. "I still haven't been to California yet. I'm guessing California isn't like Brazil."

"Not even close." Josh laughed. "You're going to love it there. Instead of snow, or wind or smothering heat, it's nothing but warm weather and sand. I hope you brought a bathing suit."

"I don't have one." I replied. "I could have gotten one yesterday during that shopping trip, but I didn't."

"You can get one there." He assured me, and I nodded.

"Carlisle gave me his credit card in case I want to do some shopping while I'm there, so I think I'll buy.. One.. " I trailed off, watching as Zack slowly leaned into view. Both of their faces holding incredulously amazed looks. "What?"

"You have a credit card?" Josh asked. "Carlisle is trusting his thirteen year old daughter with a credit card.. Shopping.. Alone.. In California?"

"What's the limit on that thing?" Mark asked nervously.

"I don't know." I said. "I never asked, because I'm not using it to buy a bunch of random crap."

"Aw." Both Josh and Zack whined, leaning back.

"Carlisle is trusting me." I reasoned. "I'm not going to fuck it up, guys." I sat forward again. "He only gave it to me in case the clothes I have with me are too warm, and if I need something a little cooler. That's it. No, I'm not buying anyone a jet-ski or a car."

"Damn." Josh mumbled, and I knew he was being sarcastic.

"Shut up." I laughed, looking back at him.

It was a very, very long drive. My butt and my hips were screaming in pain from sitting so long by the time I climbed out of the car to stretch outside the hotel that night. I wasn't used to sitting still that long, and even with jumping between seats, it was still too long.

I chose to stay outside with the car while Josh and Mark went inside to get our rooms. Zack was next to me, but his ear buds were in. I could hear the music he listened to feet away, so I knew he couldn't hear anything but that.

I had to dive for my phone in my pocket, and answered it on the second ring.

"I'm here." I said in answer. "Can we make it five rings? That was hard enough in my pocket."

"Alright." Carlisle replied. "Five."

"Thank you." I laughed a little. "But see? I'm still alive. We're stopping for the night."

"Good." He answered. "I don't want him attempting that far of a drive straight through."

"He knows better than that." I sighed, leaning on the hood of the car. It felt so good to stretch.

I idly chatted with him about the drive so far, leaving out a few technical details. I'd gotten pretty good at doing that without sounding like I was leaving things out.

That conversation didn't last long, though. Mark came back out, arguing with Josh. Seeing them coming, Zack removed one ear bud and stood up straighter.

"Gotta go." I said into the phone. "Five rings."

Carlisle chuckled. "Five rings." He confirmed. We said goodnight and we hung up.

"I'm serious, dad." Josh was saying. "I wouldn't do anything. We sleep in the same bed all the time."

"I don't care." He said. "I'm firm on this." They stopped in front of me, and I looked at them in curiosity.

"Leandra, you and Zack will be sharing a room. Josh and I get the other." Mark sighed, ignoring Josh's glare from the side. "I hope that's alright. I mean, if you'd like your own room, then I can still change it."

"No." I smiled. "That's just fine. Thanks." I half-hugged Zack beside me and he laughed. "I get along fine with Zack too."

"Okay." Mark obviously trusted Zack more than he trusted Josh, as he only chuckled. "Let's get some sleep, then. I want to get going early in the morning."

And I did. I slept like a log. Zack in one twin bed, me in the other. My shower in the morning was quick, and since we were in a warmer part of the country, I chose a thin t-shirt instead of the sweater I had been wearing with my jeans. Before I'd even left the room, I was answering a call on the third ring. It was Esme this time.

"Happy birthday, sweetheart." She greeted me, and I realized I'd forgotten. It hadn't even crossed my mind. I was officially fourteen.

"Thanks." I replied, smiling a little as I zipped up my bag. "And tell Alice to tone down the party when I get back. I don't even know that many people." I heard her curse in the background, laughing to myself.

"It's really not fair." Alice called. "That you can see me, but I can't see you."

"Sorry." I replied, knowing she heard it. "Just keep it to people I know, would you? Actually know. Not someone I met three years ago and have never seen again."

"That's going to be a problem." Alice had taken the phone. "I don't know half the people you run around with."

"I'll invite them." I replied. "You can meet them then. Deal?" A few, anyway. The younger ones. They would probably have an issue with meeting people legally considered adults.

"Deal." She seemed good with that, so I nodded.

"We'll probably be getting there today." I informed her. "I'll text you with an ETA when I know, and then again when we actually get there."

"Okay." She agreed. I could tell she appreciated that.

I was met in the lobby with a large cupcake, a single candle sticking out of it.

"Happy birthday, honey." Mark handed it to me.

I laughed, accepting the gesture. "Thank you." I didn't mind Mark. He was pretty cool, as far as parents went.

Only minutes later, we were all back in the car.

**A/N: First chapter down. :) I hope this wasn't too rusty lol I'm still getting back into the swing of things.  
Again, I by no means condone her actions. Just to make that clear.**  
**Chapter Two should be along soon. I have pretty much the whole story written out the way I want it. All I need to do is go through and edit here or there. :)**  
**Until Two, my friends!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The ride was already a lot longer than I'd anticipated, and we still had several hours left. Time went slower in a car.

We stopped for lunch in northern California. Just some fast food at a park, but I wasn't complaining. I was already amazed at how much brighter it was here. Warm, but not too horribly so. The air was a lot drier than I was used to, though, and my cheeks flushed by only sitting in the sun for just a few minutes.

"You're going to burn." Josh predicted, laughing a little as he lightly poked my cheek. "Quickly."

"After that, I'll tan." I muttered confidently. "No big deal." I'd known that.

As promised, I sent the ETA text right to Alice, and I knew that it'd done its job. I knew she was happy with that, and probably wouldn't feel the need to check up on me.

Lunch was a little rushed, as Mark was in a pretty big hurry to get there. I couldn't blame him. Stuck in the car with three bantering teenagers for almost a full day by then with only a couple of hours to rest would drive anyone up the wall. I was even starting to annoy myself.

I returned to the front passenger seat, the boys in the back. It was easier to stare in boredom out the window, and I found that sitting between them made me car sick. We argued over stupid shit, sang loudly to annoying songs on the radio, and told distasteful jokes but after awhile, I was starting to get edgy. I always got that way when I was cooped up.

Mark was tuning us out by then, just choosing to keep us on the road.

"Leandra." Zack muttered from the back. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare." I muttered in reply. There wasn't much we could do while in a moving car, but Zack was creative.

"Hang your bare ass out the window." He said, and that finally got Mark's attention.

"Wait, what?" Mark asked, shocked. I freed my seat belt, and reached for my shorts.

"How long?" I asked, to Mark's further shock.

"No-"

"Five miles." Zack chuckled along with Josh.

"You got it." I said, and before I could unfasten my shorts, Mark's free hand hurriedly caught mine.

"Uh, no." He said firmly. "Don't you da- Leandra, stop. Sit back down, and put your seat belt back on." We all groaned in disappointment. "I've got an idea. Let's all just.. Shut up for five minutes."

"I was gonna do it." I muttered after a minute of silence. "I'm not scared."

"I know." Mark said incredulously. "That's a problem. Are you kidding me?"

"You made me lose." I looked over at him.

"When clothes start coming off, it's time to play a new game."

"I wasn't gonna take them _off_." I replied smartly. "Just down." He gave me a look, so I took the hint. Shutting up and sitting back in my seat with a huff.

Three and a half hours from northern California, we got to the house. It was supposed to be four, but my guess was he was speeding a bit.

We pulled up to the curb outside a house at the end of a normal looking street, so I was pretty surprised. I sent the arrival text, complete with photo of the house and added a smiley face for effect.

The house itself was very nice. Pretty big, but not too big. Two stories high, with quite a bit of impressive architecture. White stone, with dark brown accents and very large windows. It even had a little fence around the front lawn, and a three car garage, given the size of it.

When I was told it was a beach house, for the weirdest reasons I expected a little hut in the center of the sand. Just sitting there. This was much different.

I hadn't seen a house this fancy since leaving home.

"I thought you guys said this was a beach house." I mumbled, standing with Josh in the small, grassy front yard. He laughed, watching Mark unlock the front door.

"It is." He said. "Wait until you see the backyard."

Stopping to press a few keys on a keypad by the front door, Mark led us inside. I had to look up and around. The inside was very impressive. The stairs to our right were carpeted and wide.

The floor was a dark colored hardwood, with a very wide open floor plan. Ahead of us to the left was the living room, with white leather furniture, and a tan colored rug situated under the dark wood colored glass coffee table. The ceiling in this area was high, but it looked like the second floor was only situated on the right side of the house, given the lower ceiling off toward the kitchen. It was a little weird for me to see the ceiling like that, but it was very fascinating.

"There are three bedrooms upstairs." Mark said, his voice echoing in the vast space. Probably to me, since everyone else here knew this house. "One down here. How you all fit in that room will be up to you, but.." He turned, pointing at Josh in particular. "I'll be watching. I mean it, guys."

"You worry too much, dad." Josh smiled, stepping passed him. "I'll take the pull-out bed, and Zack gets his usual top-bunk. Leandra can have the bottom." That seemed to help ease him. I was okay with that.

I followed Josh through the house, towards the back.

Passed a pretty impressive kitchen, and turned right, following him down a thinner hallway. I couldn't help noticing, though, how the windows on this side of the house were a lot larger than the ones on the front side of the house. The view passed the windows was enough to steal my breath for a minute.

Directly outside the sliding glass doors between the kitchen and a small dining room was a small covered patio, with six lounge chairs sitting along the concrete on one side, and a covered barbecue grill off to the right. The chairs looked like wrought iron, and were just missing the cushions.

Passed the concrete of the patio, was a small back lawn, complete with grass, and another, taller fence that matched the fence in the front.

Passed the fence, however, was a stretch of beach. Light colored, almost white sand for about thirty or forty feet to the water of the ocean. The afternoon sun reflecting brightly on it, and the people crowding the beach passed the fence. It was far from private, but nobody dared come near the house. Mostly ignoring it.

"You come here every summer, and you _still_ come back?" I mumbled, following him into a rather large room on the left of the hallway.

"Yeah." Josh laughed. "As nice as this house is, we still wind up missing home." The carpet in this room was very plush, tan colored like the carpet on the stairs and the rug in the living room.

The far wall, across from the door, held three very large windows with the heavy curtains wide open. The view of the ocean beyond it unobscured by the fence. Directly below the windows in this room, was a decently long white plush couch. The wall holding the door had a long dresser against it, and a pretty large TV sitting on it.

A bunk bed sat against the far left wall. The bottom bunk was a futon, lifted up into a couch and the top bunk was a normal twin sized bed. The far right wall held a closet door, and what looked like an attached bathroom beyond a half open door.

I watched as Josh sighed and tossed his bag onto the couch, stretching a little. Zack wasted no time in crossing the room and stepping up the padded ladder to the top bunk, dropping his bag there.

"This is awesome." I had to admit, laughing a little. "Your dad rents this same house every year?"

"Yeah." Josh replied. "Mom hates it, but she never complains once we're here. It's a joke now."

"Huh." I nodded in understanding. "Well, it's definitely a nice one."

"You have to see out back." Josh laughed. "It's the best part of it."

"Maybe in a minute." I mumbled, crossing the room and sitting beside Josh. It felt good to sit on something that wasn't a seat in a car. I laid my head back onto the couch with a heavy sigh.

I sighed, shaking my head a little. Looking around the large room, I couldn't help wondering. "Where's Andrew going to sleep?"

"On the bottom bunk." Josh smiled a little at me, and I frowned, confused. "Or the floor. Who knows?" I understood then. Josh was inviting me to share his bed.

"Zack." We all looked toward the door at Mark's call. "Come here for a second." Zack sighed, peeling himself off the bunk and climbing down. He left the room.

"I thought you said your mom was here too?" I frowned a little, confused.

"She's here." He nodded. "Just not _here_ right now." I was still confused, so he laughed. "She's over at Grandma's house, helping her get ready to move."

"Ah." That explained it, but also added a lot of questions. Ones I didn't feel like getting into just yet. I nodded a little and relaxed again. Closing my eyes.

"There's still a good few hours of daylight left." Zack announced, coming back into the room. "Dad says that we need to get the stink blowed off us while he starts making dinner."

"That means get out." Josh translated, and I laughed a little.

"He'll be watching from the house, though." Zack reminded him. "Just like always. Gotta stay where he can see us. This time, he specified the two of you."

"Naturally." Josh replied, laughing as he reached for his bag. I watched as he opened it, and pulled out a pair of swim shorts. I understood what he was doing, and quickly thought about my own clothing selection. Kicking myself for not looking for a swim suit in advance, although I wasn't too bugged by it.

I didn't exactly feel like swimming anyway, so my shorts and a thin tank top would work just fine for me. The only thing I didn't like was my upper back and shoulders being bare. Hanging my bare ass out the window of a moving car was one thing, but my back had most of the scars I hated to show off. The worst of them would be covered, but the few I had made me a little uncomfortable.

The boys had seen them so many times before, but I wasn't that used to letting strangers see them. Over time, they had faded to match my skin tone a little better, but the jagged round ones on my upper chest and over my side bothered me the most. I would always have those reminders of my past, so I figured I should probably start getting used to them.

The only other issue I had, was that this pale pink tank top clung to me. It fit well, but tightly. Much tighter than my usual loose t-shirt selection. It wasn't often I wore fitting clothes, and I hadn't in awhile, so this would be new.

I stepped out of the bathroom after getting changed, and noticed I had both Josh and Zack's attention.

"How stupid do I look?" I had to ask, almost afraid of the answer. It was rare anymore for me to actually admit feeling self-conscious so they didn't reply right away.

"Not at all." Zack managed to say, looking to Josh.

"Not at all." Josh confirmed, shaking his head a little.

"You know.." I said. "I would feel better if either of you blinked. Just once."

"You're never allowed to wear another sweater again." Josh chuckled, and I rolled my eyes a little. Tossing my other clothes onto my bag, I grabbed my phone, and I turned, leaving the room as Josh spoke again. "I'm so serious."

I flinched a little at a thud behind me, and glanced back in time to see Zack picking himself up off the floor, and Josh following me.

"He ran into the wall." Josh explained, coming to my side. "What can I say? The kid is clumsy."

"Cheap shot, Josh." Zack grumbled, and I looked up at Josh. Ducking out from under his arm, I turned, moving to Zack's side. I chose to walk with him instead, smirking at Josh's incredulous look.

Zack opened the back door for us, and we stepped out onto the patio where Mark stood working on the barbecue grill. Getting it hot.

"Hang on." I said, and Josh paused. I stepped over to Mark, and smiled a little. "Could you do me a favor?"

"Sure thing." He said, looking to me. I handed him my phone.

"If my dad calls, can you tell him I'm not out having sex or dead somewhere, please?" I asked, and Mark chuckled. "I just don't want to take the phone with me, and risk ruining it or getting it wet."

"You got it." He chuckled again, placing it in his shirt pocket. "I'll use those exact words." I laughed. He got my sense of humor.

"Thanks." I said, and turned. Heading off toward where Josh and Zack stood waiting in the yard. Josh smiled and hugged me briefly. His skin already warm from standing in the sun.

"You look nice, Leandra. Really." He said, and I smiled. Reassured. When he said it like that, I felt better.

"Thank you." I sighed. "Next time, start with that." The sand, true to their word, was warm. Not quite hot enough to hurt, but warm enough on the bottoms of my bare feet.

I didn't do any swimming, choosing to just sit back and watch the boys roughhouse near the water while I attempted to relax. I didn't mind the beach that much, and the sun was nice when it wasn't beating me down, but I couldn't help my mind wandering a bit as I idly took handfuls of sand.

I still allowed my mind to wander now and then, but I had a better handle on it now. Watching the water crawl over the dark sand toward me was almost hypnotizing. Enough to make me reflect on the kind of person I was turning into, and recall the things that made me this way.

True to my word, I'd been hard at work letting those things go. Jack, and my past, no longer ruled my entire life, but it would always be a part of me. It shaped who I was, which I was still discovering. The way I was raised had become almost a blur, hazy compared to my more recent memories, but I still had moments that jumped out to me. Jack still plagued my nightmares now and then, but it was nothing like it used to be.

I still saw that snowy clearing when I closed my eyes. I still had to fight those thoughts back. I had yet to really recover from experiencing that. Thanks, mostly, to the ways I'd been choosing to cope. It wasn't like I expected those particular scars to fade, though. Those would probably always be there.

Sometimes I did wonder. If Aro were to take my hand now, would I still be the same? I'd done a lot of hardening since that day. I was afraid to even think that I would probably still turn out to be that angry version of myself no matter what he did. I felt the bitter fire of resentment through every bad decision on my part, burning me every time I thought about having to leave.

Sighing, I stretched my legs out, burying my toes in the sand. Reeling my mind back in, and taking notice of other things around me. It was better that way.

The beach was actually pretty packed, and I soon realized there were quite a few other girls wearing less than I was, so I didn't feel too bad about it. Until I started to notice how noticed I really was.

Once in awhile, the guys walking by would turn fully around to look at me, mutter something to their friends, grin and continue on. As flattering as that was, it made me highly uncomfortable. So I wound up standing and moving closer to the boys. Crossing my arms over my chest insecurely.

It really was pretty here, though. I had to give it that. Right by the water, the breeze was cool, but the sand warm. The sun was bright, however, and it took me awhile to get used to it.

I found time passed quickly here, hours flying by before I knew it. It was slightly unsettling, but I figured that was normal to someone who spent the majority of their life under the shade of clouds.

This was much better than Brazil. I didn't mind the heat so much now that I had someone to sit with me. I had a lot of people around me, but two that I particularly liked. I laid back on the sand between Josh and Zack once they decided to take a break.

We chatted about all the normal things we chatted about. Something felt off, but I just waved that off as being in a new place. It was easy enough, because I'd never been here before. It was only natural to feel unsettled.

I could get used to this, though.

Just as the sun started to dive lower in the sky, heading straight toward the water and giving more of a golden, hazy glow to the area, a loud whistle behind us gained Josh's attention.

"That's us." Josh said, jumping to his feet. He offered his hand to me, and I took it, letting him help me to my feet.

"I barely heard that." I laughed, dusting off my butt and legs. I had a feeling, though, that sand would be harder to get used to.

"I recognize that whistle anywhere." He admitted as we started back toward the house. "I used to hear it all the time growing up."

We stepped into the house to find that Heather had arrived while we were out there. She greeted me like she usually did, with a warm smile and a hug. She was careful, though.

"Ouch." She commented, inspecting my nearly-bare shoulders. I knew what she had spotted.

"I'll set it." I assured her, and she nodded a little.

"And next time?" She prompted sternly.

"I'll use sunblock." I laughed along with her.

"Good." She smiled, but I saw stress there. She looked tired. I didn't want to ask about it, in case it would bother her. Sometimes I hated how good I was at reading people and seeing passed their masks.

Just as I always did, I helped clean up after dinner. It was only fair, considering Mark cooked. He was pretty good at cooking. I was always surprised at how well he and I got along, considering how much I didn't like him when I first met him, but tonight was no different. He was just a nice, genuine guy.

Heather went to bed rather early that night, so I assumed I'd been right in seeing how tired she was.

Once everyone had scattered off to do their own thing, I stepped outside again. Just to get some air after laughing so much inside. I allowed myself a yawn, and a cigarette, leaning on the fence around the backyard facing the ocean.

The sun had set about half an hour before, so there was still a little bit of light to see by, but the sunlight was gone. The now mostly deserted beach was pretty quiet, aside from the sound of waves hitting the shore and the squalling of a few seagulls nearby.

It was nice. I was actually really happy that I had been allowed to come here.

As peaceful as it was, I was actually blind-sided by the sudden feeling of being watched. It was a tension that had no explanation. One I'd felt before.

Without being obvious about it, I looked around myself. I didn't see anyone, which only made me a bit uneasy, until I really thought about it. Dropping my cigarette below the fence-line, I stubbed it out without moving a muscle. Just in case, but I figured if it was my family coming to spy on me, they'd already have seen what I was doing.

"Shit." I sighed heavily, shaking my head. I was both nervous and a little pissed that Carlisle would go back on his word.

I turned, heading back inside. Half expecting a dozen missed calls on my phone, but there wasn't one, to my surprise. If anyone had seen what I was doing, my phone would have been blowing up. Reluctantly, I let it go. I was probably wrong, so I didn't need to waste my time getting mad about nothing. My head was probably still scrambled from the drive, so anything could have made me edgy.

The room was dark aside from the light from the TV, and one glance told me Zack was already asleep, so I decided to get changed into whatever I was going to be sleeping in.

Since my skin was burned, I chose to go without any pajama bottoms that night, and just a loose, light tank top to sleep in. I had never been shy around the boys, and I saw no real reason to start now. Josh usually chose to sleep in nothing but his boxers. It had been that way for awhile now, though. That was nothing new to anyone. Whatever was comfortable, was comfortable.

Josh was on to me, though. He knew my moods like he knew his own sometimes, and it wasn't hard for him to catch on.

"Wanna go out back?" He asked in a light whisper. He knew I wasn't asleep, despite the fact that I laid perfectly still. Although, thinking about it, it was probably the fact that I laid perfectly still that tipped him off. When I was sleeping, I sprawled out.

"Only if you wanna." I replied in my own whisper. I didn't particularly feel like being alone.

"Of course." He laughed a little. "I came prepared, remember?" I knew what he was getting at. I knew what he had in mind.

"Ooh." I smiled. I was more than okay with this suggestion, sitting up. He chuckled under his breath as he sat up, and moments later, I heard him dragging his bag to him.

Together, we crept up the hall and out the back door. I was so grateful we didn't need to mess with the alarm system or anything like that. I got the feeling it was a pretty safe neighborhood until we came along.

As soon as we were outside, I sat on the top step of the back porch, choosing to look at the sight of the beach at night instead of watching Josh settle himself beside me to roll our joint by hand.

"So anything you wanna talk about?" He asked, mildly curious as he set to his task. He could roll them better than I could, so I always allowed him to do it.

I took a breath.

"Just edgy." I explained with a heavy sigh. He nodded.

"It's been a long day." He replied, understanding. Unlike most people, long days usually wound me up instead of making me tired. He was busy rolling the cure to that next to me.

"I've gotta stop letting myself get worked up for no reason." I grumbled, and he chuckled.

"It's not like you have control over it." He murmured. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

I took it eagerly when Josh handed me what he'd just made. Nodding, he securely closed his little plastic bag and rolled it up to set next to him. There wasn't that much in there, but plenty for us.

I brought the joint up and lit it. Breathing it in and holding my breath, I closed my eyes before I handed it over to him.

He took it from me, following suit.

I breathed out, coughing once. This activity was probably the thing I'd get into most trouble for, but I didn't care. I'd take it, because the moment Kevin introduced me to this, I knew I'd never turn it down.

When I smoked this, I could literally feel the tension leaving my tired body. The first time I felt that, I cried a little bit, because the relief broke my heart. Thankfully, instead of laughing at me, they seemed to get it. That group, Josh included, made sure my first experience with it was a good one. Now, I used it most as I needed it. Sure, it was sometimes nice to just have whenever, but it was usually brought out when I needed it to be.

My running mind stopped, my racing heart slowed, and I got the most sleep I had in a long time. Certainly since the day Aro showed up. I didn't care if I got into trouble for this. I wouldn't stop until I had to.

Feeling that same relief cooling my mind now, I passed it back to Josh, grateful he was thinking of me. We were so completely comfortable in each other's presence, especially with this. He knew new places and situations still made me nervous, and he knew just what I needed to be most comfortable.

"Happy birthday." He reminded me it was still my birthday. I'd forgotten that. Thinking back, it'd been a pretty nice day. No parties, no presents, nothing to remind me of it and yet, it was still probably the best birthday I'd had to date.

I accepted the joint back and smiled.

"Best gift ever." I lifted it a little, and he chuckled. He studied me as I took another drag, closing my eyes again. It really was amazing what this thing could do, but it was also really amazing how much trouble we would be if anyone ever found out.

"So. Fourteen." He smiled. "Does it feel any different than thirteen yet?"

"Oh, definitely." I replied jokingly while holding my breath. "I can already feel old age setting in." He snorted a laugh, and I did the same. Letting out that breath with a cloud of smoke in front of me.

We were silent as we continued smoking until there was nothing left. It was a small bit, so between two people, it went just far enough. Josh was good at that.

I knew it'd done its job when I yawned. I knew I was done when I yawned. He nodded. He knew that yawn, so that wasn't an issue. I just sat there for a minute, listening to the waves in the short distance and feeling the weight of every pressing thing on my mind lessen very significantly. Just lifting away.

"Thank you." I sighed heavily, looking over at him.

"You're okay. I've got your back." He smiled a little, which made me smile. Josh understood my reasons. He really was the best.

We both jumped at the sound of the door behind us opening, turning to look back.

Before we could even worry, Zack had his head through the door.

"Aw." He huffed a whine. I knew the smell hadn't swept away fast enough for Zack to not have caught on. "You didn't save any?"

Josh looked back. "Poquito." A little bit. Meaning he didn't bring a lot out, and I needed it more than he did.

"Ah." Zack understood, shutting the door quietly and approaching to sit to my left. He never fought that rule, because he knew what it did for me. He saw it himself.

"Sorry." I told him honestly, and he waved it off.

"But next time, you guys should probably move away from the house a little more. The porch reeks of it."

"Noted." I nodded, looking forward again.

"Did we wake you up?" Josh asked him, and he shook his head.

"I had to pee." He admitted. "And I wouldn't be a very good chaperone if I didn't hunt you two down."

"Are there any emergency Oreos in there?" I wondered out of the blue, and they both looked at me.

Zack laughed a little, jumping up, despite how he'd just sat down. "Emergency Oreos, stat!"

'Emergency Oreos' was a code term that I'd come up with to describe any food item within our grasp, because I had smoked a little bit too much and I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. Eating something would ensure I would postpone the sleep for a little while.

"So." Josh sighed, scooting over and sitting behind me. One leg on either side of me. "What do you think we'll get into here?"

I laughed, looking back over my shoulder at him. "Here?"

"You're a whole two states away from your family." He pointed out, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. "With the whole city at your mercy. What kind of trouble are you going to find?"

"I haven't decided yet." I replied simply. "Might steal a car or two."

"In all seriousness.." He started. "I love you, but if you go out there without me, I'll be so pissed."

I frowned a little, leaning over enough to look at him easier. He knew full well that what I did was what I did. He was welcome along for the ride, of course, but I'd leave his ass in the dust if he tried to stop or hold me back. I'd miss him.

I was pretty curious to know how he was going to spin it to make it sound like he _wasn't_ trying to control me. I was mostly giving him a chance to fix what he said.

"I grew up coming here. From the time I was little." He explained. "I know what kind of people are around, but you.. My darling.. Come from a very small town, so I don't want you out there wandering around without me."

I gave him a look, but he just smiled and gently kissed my cheek.

As much as he knew he couldn't hold me back, I also knew he wouldn't let himself be left behind. He was probably the one person closest to being able to control me and my decisions, and we both knew it.

I rolled my eyes, looking forward again. I wasn't that stupid.

"What fun will getting into trouble be without you?" I asked, and he laughed. That was my way of promising. He rested his chin on the top of my head.

He was always like that, though. It was comforting to me. I closed my eyes, allowing the contact to ease me.

He had done a bit of growing as well. More than I had. He was a little less cocky, more confident. There was a definite difference. It was complicated, the way I felt about him, but I did feel sure that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. He'd proven himself time and time again, and had finally earned that trust I'd never given anyone before.

To me, that knowledge really meant a lot. To just know that I'd always have a friend like him behind me. Literally, at the moment. At the same time, though, I felt sad that I would eventually need to leave him. Oddly, that bothered me just as much as knowing I'd have to leave my family.

He was always with me when I chose to do something stupid, often keeping me from doing something even more stupid. He always watched my back as much as he could. He was older, far more capable of watching over me than I was of watching over myself in those moments.

Josh was safe. Leaving that would be hard to do.

I sighed and rested my head against his knee, but that quiet moment was pretty brief. We both looked over as Zack returned.

"Your emergency Oreos, my lady." He tossed the pack of cookies to me, and I caught them with an instant grin, bouncing a little.

I squealed quietly. "Yay!"

"And you're welcome." He added, sitting beside us. "Mom came down, and wondered why we were still up. I covered for your asses."

"You're the bestest." I assured him, poking his leg, and he instantly grinned. He knew we'd do the same for him. He knew we had done the same for him. Many times, as he had for us. It was an unspoken pact.

As soon as I bit a cookie in half, I sighed in relief. Josh reached over and stole one while we sat in silence.

"You know what sucks?" I asked, looking up at the sky. It was extra fascinating to me right then.

"A vacuum cleaner." Zack answered, and I gave him a look.

"That when Andrew gets here, we'll have to be more discreet?" Josh guessed, and I nodded a little.

"That does suck, too." I replied. "But I don't really blame him. His dad's a cop."

"Your dad's a doctor." Zack pointed out.

"And your mom's a nurse." I countered. "And.. What does your dad do, again?"

"Something behind the scenes for his dad's company." Josh reminded me. "We always joke that he works for the Mafia."

"Oh yeah." That was funny.

"What about Andrew?" Zack asked.

"I just mean I get why he doesn't like it." I recalled.

"So what sucks?" Josh asked, and I looked up at him above me. I hadn't really answered yet. I hesitated, humming in thought, but I couldn't remember.

Zack caught on after several seconds of silence, giving a quiet bark of a laugh.

"Your thought bubble popped." He stated, and I laughed.

Instead of answering, I ducked away from Josh and marched right for the gate.

"Leandra?" Josh questioned, quite confused but amused.

"Where are you going?" Zack asked, laughing.

"I'm going to find it." I vowed, stepping through the gate separating us from the beach. Just like I expected, I heard them following seconds later. I led the way over the rapidly-cooling sand.

They eventually stopped, but with as much illumination as the moon brought us, it was easy for them to see me while I walked knee-deep into the water and turned around to face them.

"Find what?" Zack finally asked.

"My thought bubble." I joked, and fell back into a retreating wave.

I splashed into the water, instantly breathless at how cold it was, but though I floated on my back, I could no longer hear anything but the water. I took those few weightless seconds, closing my eyes. I would have given anything to just float away like that until I couldn't float anymore. To just keep going with the motion of that retreating wave, and let it carry me wherever it wanted to.

Just like I knew they would, both of them splashed out to fetch me. Like the two most loyal dogs anyone could have asked for.

I was smiling when I was reeled back in by my wrist.

"You can't do that." Zack's muffled voice above the surface of the water made me stand up in the waist-deep water. I fixed my soaked shirt, making sure it was down as my wet hair clung to me.

"Why not?" I demanded playfully.

"Oceans are dangerous, dummy." He splashed me.

"Uhm.." I gave him a look. "More dangerous than everything else we do?" He paused to think, so I went on. "If everything else in my goddamn life hasn't sunk me, I don't think the ocean _can_."

He splashed me again, and I received a face-full of water, much to Josh's amusement. So I threw myself forward and tackled Zack. He simply sat down, and I somehow lost track of him. Splashing face first into the water instead. That ended that.

I was okay, though.

Zack stayed out with us for quite awhile, but he couldn't hold out. He was always the one falling asleep first, so him giving up and going back inside first was no surprise.

Josh and I stayed in the water a little longer as the night just continued. Mostly just hanging out and talking. Alone this time. Quietly, keeping our voices down.

"You shouldn't hit Zack." I scolded him lightly, referring to earlier in the day. "I know he's your brother, but still."

"I couldn't help it." He replied. "He was looking at you."

"Lots of people look at me, Josh."

"He was looking at you _that_ way." He clarified. He was jealous.

"So?" I laughed a little. "It's not a big deal."

"It is to me." He said, taking my hand where it stayed poised to catch the next wave. I laughed a little, turning my hand to press my palm against his.

"You should have seen how many guys looked at me _that_ way today, Josh." I pointed out. "You'd have lost your mind."

"I did notice." He said. "I just couldn't do anything about them." Which was probably true.

"But Zack, you could hit." I laughed, looking over at him. "That's not very nice."

"I didn't hit him." He said. "I slammed his head into the wall. So technically, the wall hit him." Thank you, mister literal.

"I'm not your girlfriend." I reminded him, smiling slightly. "I don't need you to make walls hit people. Especially not for just looking at me. I don't need you to protect me."

"You're as close to a girlfriend as I'm ever going to get." He said. "You know me better than even Sofia does."

"Sofia is your girlfriend, Josh." I stressed lightly. "You'd be wasting your time with me, anyway."

"That's bullshit." He laughed quietly. "God, if you could only see yourself the way I see you."

"I'd hit you." I was trying to joke.

"It's not like that." He didn't seem to find that amusing. "Not really. I say all that stuff, I know, but it's not like that. I don't even know how to explain it."

I sighed, looking down at the wave rushing passed my waist while I shook my head.

"I'm the most selfish person in the world." I said. This wasn't the first time he'd heard it.

"Why do you keep saying that?" He asked, frowning.

"I keep saying that, because it's true." I answered, sighing. "You would save yourself a whole lot of time if you just listen to me."

"The way I see it, is any time I spend with you will never be wasted. I like spending time with you." I shook my head again, so he spoke again. "Really. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. You're not selfish."

I smiled sadly, looking down again. He didn't even know half of it.

"Let me ask you something."

"Sure." He said, and I looked back up.

"What would you do if I suddenly disappeared?"

"I would look for you." He answered as if that were obvious. "Duh." I could see he was confused when I frowned a little instead of smiled at his reply. So he had to ask. "Why?"

"And what if I was nowhere to be found?" I needed him to get it.

"I would never stop looking for you." He replied simply. "You know that. I would find you."

"But how would you know that what you would find would be worth it?" I asked quietly, taking his other hand in my other. Using his help, I sat back in the water and he pulled me through the water to him.

"It'll always be worth it." He smiled.

He knew he was being sweet, which he'd always known, but I didn't doubt it for a second. He felt what he said, and that made all the difference, but I'd strayed too close to a serious conversation I really didn't want to face. I needed to diffuse it somehow. I needed to direct the conversation somewhere else, so once again, I walled it off.

"So then.." I murmured, resting my arms on his shoulders. "Why does it matter whether or not I'm your girlfriend? You like spending time with me, and.." I sighed dramatically, smiling a little. "I tolerate you." He smiled in return, looking right in my eyes. "So why bother trying to change the way it is?"

"I just want to know for sure that you're not anyone else's girlfriend." He explained. "A peace of mind sort of thing."

"I'm nobody's girlfriend." I smirked. "I never will be. I've told you that a million times."

"Why are you so against it?" He asked, honestly curious. I figured it would be better to be honest with him since he was honest with me.

I sighed, thinking. It took my sluggish mind a minute, but I settled on one of the reasons.

"My mom?" I asked, and his eyes softened a little as he nodded. "She was a girlfriend. She was a wife. Neither turned out well for her at all, so I'll never trap myself in a situation like that. It's just.. A thing." I shrugged a little.

"She's doing really well for herself now." He pointed out.

"But she really wasn't for most of my life." I countered. "I learned a lot from her."

"You really think I'd turn out like either of those guys?" He asked gently. Not at all teasing. I'd filled him in too much for him to ever tease me or joke about it. That was, however, a pretty tough question to answer. Of course I didn't believe he had that in him, but..

"No." I replied after a moment of thought. "I don't think you will, but I don't want you to either. I just like the way things are right now."

"So you really don't think you'll ever change your mind?" He asked. He was trying to lighten the conversation too. I decided to let him win.

"I'm not your girlfriend, Josh, but.." I smirked. "If, by some miracle, I ever change my mind, you'll be the first to know. Deal?"

"Deal." He would take it, grinning. "That's something, I guess." I kissed him.

I never grew tired of kissing him, and I was never really in any rush to end one. Tonight was no exception, but the second his hands moved to my hips and he pulled me closer to him in the water, I did. Even if he was just helping me not float away. My instinct had told me that that was too close.

"So I have another question." I said, standing up and starting back toward the beach. He took a deep breath and sighed.

"Another one?" He asked, chuckling a little as he followed me. Together, we made our way, soaking wet and freezing, back onto the sand. Slowly walking back toward the house.

"You keep telling me how you wish Sofia wasn't so uptight." I said, and he shook his head a little, looking down. "If you have nothing in common with her, why would you want to be with her _that way_ at all?"

He knew what I meant, and it wasn't about holding hands. We made it back to the back porch before he spoke again.

"I don't know how to answer that." He finally laughed a little, sitting on the bottom porch step. We'd be drip-drying, it seemed. I sat next to him.

"I'm just curious." I laughed quietly in return. "I want to know. There's nothing special about getting laid. You're not missing anything."

"Because it feels good." He said, and my eyes narrowed as I looked over at him. He shrugged. I'd had my suspicions before, and I asked the question, but I wasn't prepared to have those suspicions confirmed.

"You've done it?" I asked, and we laughed at my tone.

"Not with Sofia." He told me, and that helped a little. "I have done it.. Once. Okay, twice. Remember Becky?"

"_Her_? Rebecca?" I wrinkled my nose. "She looks like a doberman." I was trying to hide my surprise. I couldn't let him know it mattered to me for some reason.

"She's not that bad looking." He said, laughing a little.

"Ew." I muttered. "I can't believe you chose _her_. There are so many prettier girls you could have chosen."

"It was just something that happened." He said. "It's not like I was looking for her. Remember that party at Dylan's house that weekend before Halloween last year?"

"_That's_ what you were doing?" I was surprised, to say the least. "I was looking everywhere for you." Until we got bored, and Zack and I decided to go trick-or-treating with tin-foil hats.

"I know you were there, but you were just as- Wait." He paused, stopping himself with a growing amused smile. "Are you jealous?"

"_No_." I muttered defensively, brushing the wet sand off of my leg. "I'm just saying you could have done better."

"Come on." He laughed, trying to look at me, but I turned my head. He was the one to be surprised now. "Leandra?"

I knew it was stupid to be mad at him for something that happened so long ago, but I was. He watched me inspect the hem of my dripping shirt. He continued to sit there for a minute or two, before he scooted over and placed his arm around me.

"I didn't know it'd bother you." He told me quietly. "I'm sorry." It wasn't his fault. It really wasn't. I sighed.

"I'm not bothered." I replied, shrugging again, but he knew better. Given the look he gave me, I wasn't fooling him, so I sighed again. "I know. I'm being stupid."

"No." He said. "Not stupid, but you _are_ cute when you're jealous." I glared over at him, and he laughed. Lowering his head, pressing his forehead against my shoulder. "I can't win."

"Why Rebecca?" I asked, and he looked up.

"She was the one that came to me." He explained truthfully. "I don't know why I didn't turn her down. I was curious, I guess."

"If I let you, would you want me?" I asked quietly. "_That_ way?" He looked over at me sharply, probably in surprise that I'd ask that. I kept my eyes down for a moment, though, embarrassed at even asking.

He was quiet for a second. Thinking before he answered.

"Hell yeah." He said. "But at the same time, no." He kissed the side of my head again, but I moved, frowning. I wanted to understand. He'd been bugging all the time about it, and now that I was offering, he was turning me down?

"Don't you want to?" I asked, confused. Seeing that I was irritated, he laughed a little and shook his head.

"Not like this, I don't." He clarified. "Besides. You're still too young for that. I don't want to wind up hurting you, or having you regret it."

"Rebecca was fourteen." I reminded him and he sighed, turning a little to better to face me.

"You're.." He paused. "A lot smaller than she is. Was."

"So?" I asked pointedly. "What does her being a cow have to do with me?" She wasn't actually a cow, but she was taller.

"So, you're more.." He trailed off, seeming frustrated himself. "I don't know. Breakable."

"Please." I rolled my eyes. He had an idea of what I'd lived through. Maybe not a lot of details, but he got the gist. There was no way he actually expected me to believe such a stupid answer.

"Okay." He groaned a little. "I want to do it right, not because you're jealous."

"That _wasn't_ why I offered." I huffed, but I had to admit that answer was a little more believable.

"Yes it is." He replied, giving me a look. "It is. Don't try to lie."

"Okay." I finally said firmly, and my irritated voice quieted as I glanced down. "Okay. I don't want to fight."

"Me either." He muttered, calming his voice as well. "I'm sorry."

"Me too." I sighed. "Let's just.. Forget about it."

I couldn't understand it. I was jealous, so I offered a solution, and when he turned me down because he was thinking about me, I got hurt. Why was that?

I wasn't willing to try to explain these emotions to him, because I didn't understand them myself, so I'd rather just have dropped the subject. Mostly just so I could decompress.

"I just don't get why you're so mad." He said, trying to meet my eyes. That started it again.

"Because." I said. "You did stuff with her that you don't want to do with me." Where the fuck did that come from?

"I never said that." He defended himself. "I only said-"

"I know what you actually said." I snapped. "Just shut up for a second."

"Don't be mad." He pressed carefully, probably because he knew me. "Come on. You're looking too far into this-"

"How can I not?" I asked in return, standing up. "Okay, so I'm jealous. So what?"

"It's not a big deal." He said. "I swear. It was just something that happened out of the blue, and I admit, I was curious. It was just something I didn't expect." He stood up as well. "Okay?"

"Twice?"

"Well.." He sighed. "The first time can't really count." I frowned in confusion. "Because that was over way too quick."

I understood, so I looked down. Away from Josh's eyes. I heard that sometimes happened, but just the thought made me very uncomfortable. It was that feeling, though, that turned my mood around.

I didn't know how to respond, so he continued.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He murmured. "The difference between her and _you_, is that I actually care about you. The _last_ thing I want is to let you push yourself into something you wouldn't want, and I _know _you don't want that. It's not about _that_ anyway." He laughed humorlessly. "I don't even know if that makes sense."

I sighed, thinking about it. It made more sense than he even knew. He knew me too well. I honestly _couldn't_ be mad at him for seeing right through me. He shrugged, his tone lightening a little.

"And hey, if you one day decide that's where you wanna go, I'd be happy to take you there." He said, and I couldn't help smiling a little. "But for the _right_ reasons, okay?"

"Okay." I mumbled. It did make sense. I knew what he was trying to say, so I hugged him. He returned it, his arms fully enveloping me which was one of his best hugs. He held me there for a moment, before he spoke again.

"Before you ask, no." He added. "I've never gone that far with Sofia."

That was a bit surprising. "Really? At all?"

"At all." He confirmed honestly. "It's never come up, and even if it did, I'm just not that into it."

"Good." I mumbled. "I'm pretty sure she's a tramp."

He chuckled, finding that amusing. "You know, for a non-girlfriend, you sure get territorial pretty easily."

I pulled back far enough to smack him, and he laughed again.

We sat outside far longer than I even meant to, but it was too nice. Perfect temperature, the fresh air, and especially who I was with. Just drying off enough to make it through the house without leaving puddles. We talked half the night, and the best part was that I never once got the feeling that I was being watched again.

We finally dragged ourselves inside and crawled into bed well after three in the morning. Just laying there, the moonlight on the carpet the perfect light to see by. I knew he was right. If Josh had taken my offer, that probably wouldn't have gone over well. Just the thought made me cringe.

Sure, I liked to kiss him. Just because it was fun, but that was as far as I would ever be willing to go, though. I couldn't believe I even offered, but it was really nice to know where he stood on the topic. I didn't even know why. Maybe it was just a comfort to know he understood me better than I thought before.

Just as I was about to fall asleep, I spoke up again.

"You're wasting your time." I mumbled in a near-whisper. "I won't want to do that with you without a reason." I didn't even expect him to hear me. It'd been too quiet for too long, and I thought he'd have been asleep.

"Then we won't." Was his sleepy response, surprising me. "I can wait until you find your own reason."

I smiled a little, finally allowing my eyes to close.

I slept dreamlessly.

**A/N: I realize this chapter was pretty short, but I promise the rest are pretty long. This one was mainly filler, but that's okay. :) I'm okay with it.  
Again, I DON'T CONDONE her actions and activities in this chapter.  
You guys are SO AWESOME for leaving your reviews! THANK YOU! Seriously. I wasn't expecting such a warm welcome back lol  
Chapter three will be along as soon as I can get it edited, which won't take me long.  
Until then, my friends! :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

We'd been up pretty late the night before, so when we had to wake up, I really didn't want to. My head was rested on Josh's shoulder, and I refused to open my eyes. I was way too comfortable to bother.

"Time to wake up." We both slowly awoke. I kept my eyes closed, but I felt Josh look toward the door at Mark walking in. "We're meeting your mom in town for lunch."

"No problem." Josh yawned, stretching. "We're up."

"Five more minutes." I mumbled, grabbing onto Josh's arm to cuddle with. Wrapping my arms and knees around it, and holding on. If he moved, he'd have to learn how to live without his arm. "Why's it gotta be the butt crack of dawn?"

"It's ten-thirty." Mark replied. "Dawn was about four hours that way." I knew he gestured behind him. "Come on. Get a move on."

Josh moved the hand I cuddled with, and squeezed my knee. Finally getting me to release him, and I rolled over. Barely opening my eyes and looking at a very disapproving Mark standing there.

"Stop doing that." Mark finally said, gesturing to the two of us. "At least have more clothes on." He was referring to our pajama choices. "Or Josh will be moving into my room."

"They didn't do anything." Zack yawned, stretching as well. "I would have heard Leandra slap him." He was covering for us.

"Keep it that way." Mark turned, leaving the room.

"I'm not stupid." I called after him. "I'm sun-burned."

"Five minutes, and I better hear the shower running." Mark called back from the kitchen.

"I'll be sure to join Josh, just to make it faster." I announced, refusing to leave my eyes open.

"Funny." Was Mark's humorless response.

Zack dropped himself off of the top bunk, hitting the floor.

"I'll go first." Zack mumbled, already on his way into the bathroom.

Josh laughed, yawning again. I continued to lay there as Josh stood up and stretched. Snoozing for a little while longer. Really not wanting to move.

"Get up." Josh lightly plopped a pillow onto my head, so I laughed, finally rolling my lazy butt out of bed. Fully stretching, my back popped and I yawned.

Zack's shower was quick, and I wandered into the kitchen for some coffee while Josh took his next. I smelled it, and it was calling me.

"What is with your aversion to pants?" Mark asked me, lifting the cup of coffee in his hand. I looked down briefly at my bare legs under my loose tank-top. Of course I had underwear on. What was the big deal?

"They limit our ability to have sex." I grumbled, grabbing a mug.

"You sure aren't a morning person." He pointed out, and I laughed a little.

"You knew that already."

"I guess you're right." He chuckled, shaking his head. "How late were you guys up last night?"

"Three-ish." I answered, filling my mug. I felt a little sluggish this morning, but nothing horrible.

"Why?" He sounded horrified.

"We went swimming." I admitted with a small laugh. "I think Zack crapped out on us around midnight." He shook his head, but he wasn't bugged by that. "_No_. Nothing actually happened. We behaved."

"Good." He replied, taking another drink from his cup. "You know you can use the upstairs shower to speed this up."

"Nah." I said. "I won't take long." I sighed, standing beside him and leaning back against the counter. "Did my dad call yesterday?"

"He did." Mark nodded. "He didn't find what you told me to tell him very funny." I couldn't help smirking and laughing a little. "I had to tell him I was looking right at you before he would believe me."

"And you were." I allowed. "So it was true."

"I'd be just as nervous."

"He really doesn't have to be." I said after a longer drink of the hot liquid.

"You're kidding, right?" Mark asked, giving me a look. "If anything, he should be more nervous. With the kinds of things you kids get in to?" He only knew the half of it.

"I'm a bad influence." I allowed. "Josh should really stay away from me."

"I don't think anything can keep that kid away from you." He chuckled. He was probably right.

"I know." I mumbled, but it wasn't a joke. He caught that, looking down at me. My free hand traced lightly over my occupied hand distractedly. That little factor was going to be a problem. Definitely in two years, but I was starting to prepare myself now.

"You know, I was just kidding." He said, probably seeing my concern. "I didn't actually mean it like that."

"No." I shook my head, shaking myself away from those thoughts. "It's okay. I know. I've just got a lot on my mind." Mark was probably one of the most honest men I knew, which was part of the reason why I felt so comfortable standing there with him dressed like I was. If I really wasn't welcome anymore, he would say so.

"You know we care about you just as much as our boys." He added, and I nodded, taking another drink. "If anything is going on, you can come to us. Whatever it is, I'm sure we can help you."

I smiled, and nodded.

"I know." I repeated, but it was nice to hear that.

"I worry about you sometimes, sweetie." He admitted, and I looked over at him. "I know I'm not your parent, but I am a father."

"I know." I laughed a little, looking back down at my feet.

"Just.. Promise me that there's nothing I should really be telling your parents." He added, and I laughed. Oh god.

"Nah." I said. "I can handle anything."

"I sure hope you're right." He shook his head a little. I was actually really surprised he hadn't spilled the beans about our smoking habit.

"I'm always right." I pointed out, looking over as Zack came wandering out. I handed him my cup, which he accepted gratefully. I'd spent enough mornings around him too, so my lack of pants wasn't a thing to him either. My butt was covered.

I made my way from the kitchen, heading back to the room to snooze while waiting for my turn in the shower.

I didn't get to lay there very long before Josh came out smelling clean. I made my way in after him, yawning. As I passed him, he poked his finger into my mouth to interrupt my yawn. I bit him.

"Remind me not to do that." He laughed after me, and I turned around as I walked.

"You should know that by now." I stuck my tongue out at him, and turned back around, intending to smoothly glide through the bathroom door. Instead, I hit the wall.

"Graceful." Josh was laughing hysterically.

"Shut up." I laughed along with him, closing the door firmly to shut out my embarrassment. Shaking my head at the floor.

True to my word, I didn't take long. Choosing to save washing my hair for the evening, I was out in fifteen minutes.

I'd chosen a light green thin t-shirt and another pair of shorts, feeling confident enough that I looked nice. These shorts were a little shorter than I was used to, but I didn't mind that. They covered my butt, so they did their job. I made sure to grab my wallet on my way out of the room, my phone tucked safely in my back pocket. Whatever room there was.

We'd driven through the city the day before, but somehow, it was more exciting now. Mark let me sit in the back this time, Zack choosing the seat up front. There was so much to look at.

It surprised me that Mark seemed to know exactly where he was going. Then I remembered they'd been coming here for years.

Heather was already at the restaurant when we walked in, and we spotted her instantly. She looked exhausted, but happy to see us nonetheless. I felt a little bad that this vacation didn't seem to be a vacation for her.

After we had ordered our food, she excused herself to use the restroom, so I decided to follow her. She didn't mind in the least as I fell into step beside her.

"Why an early start today?" I asked her on our way through the restaurant.

"Oh." She laughed a little. "I'm always up early. I figured it would be a good idea to get moving before I could get lazy."

"I've never once seen you be lazy." I pointed out, following her through the restroom door. "And I've never really heard about your mom."

The sound she made was between a scoff and a laugh, so I knew it wasn't an easy subject.

"That's a long story." She replied. "I'll tell you all about her, but not right here." I accepted that with a nod. I didn't blame her.

"Do you have any time after lunch?" I asked her as she chose a stall. "I need to get a bathing suit, and I want your opinion."

She laughed. "Of course!"

I smiled. I didn't really need to use the restroom. I'd mostly followed just to press for a few answers. I knew she was more likely to answer if we were alone, but I wouldn't bug her about it if she didn't want to discuss it.

I was quite hungry, so it was easy to settle in back at the table. I was actually a little surprised at how good my sandwich was. We chatted idly, but it wasn't anything too exciting.

After we were finished, I left with Heather, which I was sure she appreciated more than she let on. It wasn't often anymore that I spent time with her alone, despite the fact that I admired her just as much as I admired Esme. Heather was still the only human woman that I idolized, because she was _so_ strong, but she was human. She'd been through pure hell, but it turned her into something I knew I'd never get to be.

If Heather ever found out what we'd been up to, it would break her heart for sure, but she'd probably kick all three of our asses right in a row. Up and down the street, and back again. She was the kindest, realest person I'd ever met, but she took no shit. I looked up to her so much, so it was easy to understand why I was more than okay with spending some time with her while getting this chore out of the way. It was a win-win.

She knew all the best places, and we chatted the whole time. I had a feeling the boys wouldn't really know where the best clothing shops were, so Heather was my best bet.

There was one particular strip mall that I liked. I mostly browsed, nothing really seeming like anything I would want to wear. Maybe it had a lot to do with the fact that I was in no rush. Except for the fact that I knew she needed to get back to whatever she was having to do. I couldn't help dragging my feet, though. She never let on that she was in a rush either, so I assumed she could spare a few hours.

The last place we stopped at, though, I found one I was willing to at least try on, which I did wind up buying. I'd chosen a two piece with a little more coverage. The halter top letting just a little bit of my belly button peek out, and it covered most of my back. My shoulders were bare, but that was okay. It was a shimmery bluish green color, and would go better with jean shorts than whatever I had with me. I just wasn't sure about going anywhere near people with just the bottoms on.

For good measure, I bought another of the same suit, but a different color. Shimmery purple and red. I felt okay wearing it, unlike all the other ones we'd seen so far.

We went back to the house not long later, and after a thorough coating of sunscreen, it was straight back to the beach as Heather left again to take care of some paperwork somewhere.

Mark once more had my phone duty, which he didn't seem to mind. This time, I participated more in the water, choosing to just walk in waist-deep to cool off. It was very sunny today, and it felt hotter.

I did eventually give in and let Zack dunk me, but I eventually sat out. My butt planted firmly in the sand, but my legs in the water. I had to admit, it was nice. I leaned back with my arms braced behind me, and I watched the water again, shaking my head at the boys roughhousing.

I loved seeing how carefree they both were. No matter when it happened, I always loved to watch it happening. As often as I'd wished I could be like that, I was okay.

I'd for sure come a long way.

If, just once, my family could see me like this, I knew it would do wonders for that 'adjusted' facade. This was probably the most normal I'd felt in a long time, and weirdly, I wished I could share it with them. Maybe, just maybe, I could allow myself to feel a bit of earned pride.

Nah.

I swallowed against a touch of homesickness that filled me for a split second, but it was enough to make me stand up. That feeling was one that usually prompted me to search for a way to shut it up.

"I'll be inside for a second." I called to the boys, and Josh's responding thumbs up told me he heard me.

I had to get a better hold of myself. Feeling this way was unacceptable.

Stepping inside, I found Mark sitting on the couch in the living room, watching TV. I sighed and flopped down beside him, paying no mind to the fact that my bathing suit was still pretty wet. He glanced to me, but didn't say anything.

My fingers held the pendant around my neck as I thought. What was I doing? I'd made a promise to myself. No regrets. None, whatsoever. Yet, here I was wondering what was going on with me.

I glanced over as Mark leaned forward and grabbed the bottle of beer sitting on the coffee table. Taking a sip, he never noticed me watching.

Sighing, I wordlessly reached over and stole the bottle from his hand. Taking a few heavy drinks, wincing at the taste before he stole it back with a shake of his head. I took a deep breath, before letting it out and standing with a smile.

"I feel better." I said, leaving the room.

"Stop it." He called after me, and I laughed a little.

I went back outside, waded through the water straight to Josh and kissed him. After a few moments, he pulled back and looked at me. Tasting what I had stolen on my lips, he laughed down at me.

"Seriously?" He asked with a smirk.

"It was just a little."

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, and it ended quite early that night. I was pretty beat from all the time spent in the sun, so I called it a night on my own not long after dinner was cleaned up.

I stirred briefly only a little bit later to hunt Josh down when I felt him lay down, but that was about it.

I was awake pretty early the following morning. Early enough to catch Heather before she could leave. Mark wasn't even awake yet, so we sat out on the back patio with our coffee cups. I decided to sit with her, because I could tell she needed some company.

The sun had just started to rise, but the house hid it, so we were still sitting in the shade.

"I already know what you want to ask." She spoke first, and I looked over at her. "Very long story short, I really don't have a good relationship with my mother." I kinda figured that.

"Then why are you helping her?" I frowned a little.

"Guilt, mostly." She replied. "She made my life a lot harder growing up, on top of everything I was dealing with from Jack and my father."

"How?" I was curious. "Like my mom did to me?"

"No." She replied. "Jack and I were both born to parents that didn't want either of us. She did all the things absolutely required to keep kids alive, but other than that, she was probably the coldest person I've ever known. She didn't really like us, but I think that had a lot to do with the fact that she absolutely despised my father."

"Then why did she stay married to him?" That made no sense to me.

"Fear, I think." She mused. "He wasn't very fond of her either, but to him, she was his property. As long as she was his to hate, he was happy." That answered so many questions I didn't even know I still had.

"That's where Jack got it." I muttered, and she nodded.

"I imagine that way of thinking has been passed down quite far." She looked over, forcing a small sad smile. "The only way I've seen to break that cycle is to get away from it. To experience things the way they're supposed to be. Our mother was no help in that regard." She paused for a sigh. "I don't know how she managed to do it, but she finally divorced him when Jack moved out."

I looked down. I wasn't sure I liked the subject very much. I was fully aware that I had been curious, but Jack's name had come up too many times for my liking.

"Your life before sounds so messy." I admitted, and she smiled a little more warmly.

"It certainly wasn't easy." She admitted. "The way I see it, though, I suppose I do owe her for keeping us alive long enough to get this far. I know since Jack isn't really around to help her now, it falls on me." She scoffed. "My father sure doesn't want to do it. They still hate each other."

I frowned again.

"Wait." I muttered. "I thought he was dead?"

She frowned as well, confused. "Where'd you hear that?"

Mikah. I'd assumed before that Ken had been the one that set fire to their house that night when Mikah had told me he'd caught the one responsible. Apparently, I'd been wrong.

"No one ever mentioned him, so I figured.."

"Unfortunately, he's alive and well." She confirmed. "I just thought you'd be better off not knowing more than you already did." Understandable.

I made a mental note to ask Mikah about it _whenever_ I saw him next. It'd been awhile, so I would probably have to request it.

I just filed that information away, though. The last time I'd seen Ken, it'd been on okay, only slightly creepy terms. I'd given him some more believable answers, and he gave me some in return. It was those answers, ultimately, that helped me learn how to move forward and to stop blaming myself so much. He'd been the one that showed me that there was nothing I could have done.

It really wasn't a surprise to me that he wasn't the one that started the fire that night. It just didn't make sense, but knowing he was still alive didn't mean anything to me. It was just a thing I knew now.

"So how much more do you have to help her with?" I asked, curious. I took another drink from my cup.

"Almost done, thankfully." She laughed a little. "The sooner I get this over with, the better." She took a breath. "She has an appointment this morning, though, so I'll be here when Richard and Andrew get here."

I was suddenly reminded about their arrival, and that brightened things so much. I smiled, excitedly wiggling in my seat a little, and she laughed.

I had a special place for Andrew. He was the first human friend that had put forth the effort to make me see what I was worth. He stuck by me, and helped me learn _how_ to have human friends. Though I didn't hang out with him as often anymore, I knew he knew what he meant to me.

As if on cue, her phone vibrated on the chair in front of her. Interested, she looked down at it.

"Ah." She said, lifting it. "Speak of the devil." I laughed as she answered it with her usual, lighthearted self.

"You guys must have driven all night." She responded after a few silent seconds, and that told me they were in town. I jumped up and turned for the door.

"Leandra." She called my attention as I was sliding the door open. "Make sure the boys are up, please." I grinned with a nod. My favorite task.

I made it a point to burst loudly into the room. "Wake up, fuckers."

Zack bolted upright first, probably still asleep, but only upright in instinct.

"Up." I barked again, and Josh started to stir. "Andrew is almost here."

That helped. Zack got started stretching, which told me he wouldn't be laying back down. Josh, though, would be a little harder. I jogged across the room, and flopped onto the bed, making sure to jostle him in the process.

"Get up." I said, rolling around over top of him. "Get up, get up, get up.."

He groaned as I elbowed him lightly in the stomach to lay across him. Falling limp with a swooning, dramatic sigh, I made sure I landed dead-weight over his chest. When I felt him shake a little in laughter, I knew he was awake.

"Come on." He grumbled sleepily, but I knew he wasn't mad at me. "Don't I get to sleep in? It's my birthday."

Oh yeah. It'd slipped my mind.

"Happy birthday." I said, but I didn't move. "Your mom told me to wake you up." I looked over at him from my awkward position. I really wasn't expecting him to move so quick after waking up, but he brought his arms up and captured me.

He rolled me off of him, but turned me at the same time so he could roll over and pin me to the bed with _his_ dead weight. I was now a pillow.

"You weigh more than me." I patted his head with my one free hand, and he just squeezed me between his arms and body.

"What do you weigh? Like four pounds?" Zack asked.

"Don't you know it's rude to ask a lady something like that?" Josh asked sleepily.

"I've never been a lady." I pointed out. "Try _ninety_-four pounds."

"Is that all?"

"I'm a hippo." I joked, and Josh responded to that by tickling me.

"Then what does that make me?" Josh asked. "I'm one-thirty."

"A bigger hippo." I replied breathlessly. "Let me up." He laughed and rolled away onto his back, allowing me to sit up and catch my breath. I knew I'd pretty much just made his entire point from the other night, but that was okay. I'd moved on.

I couldn't let him win like that, though. I darted forward and straddled him, flopping across his stomach and parking my butt there. He lost his breath, but laughed at me. He knew what was going on now. Looking up at me with a skeptical smile.

"Land a little lower next time, and you'll make his day." Zack commented, falling from the top bunk.

"Shut _up_." I snapped, laughing a little in disgust.

"Don't." Josh laughed as well. "That wouldn't feel good at all. Ninety-four pounds landing anywhere near that spot would probably make me vomit."

"And shit himself at the same time." Zack added from the doorway. "Okay, so it would make _my_ day.."

"Ew." I muttered. Shaking my head, I rolled off of him. It was funny, but I didn't want to hurt him that bad. I was more than sure he appreciated it.

I kept them company while they got dressed.

"So." I laid across the bed. "Sixteen, huh?"

"Yep." Josh replied, and I laughed.

"Isn't it weird?" I asked. "This is some kind of sign."

"What is?" He asked, unfolding his chosen shirt. Zack went ahead and left the room. He was already dressed.

"This year." I replied. "I turned fourteen on the fourteenth. You turn sixteen on the sixteenth." He laughed, looking back at me.

"That is pretty interesting." He agreed. "I didn't think about that."

"We have to do something awesome today." I decided, pushing myself up off the bed.

"What did you have in mind?"

"I don't know yet." I admitted. "But it's going to be awesome."

We were all outside by the time they actually showed up.

Standing there by the front door talking to Heather, I jumped as Zack sprinted passed me, looking back at the car pulling to a stop by the curb. I turned around and sprinted forward as well as Andrew climbed out first. I got to him first, squealing excitedly as I hugged him. He was so much taller than me now. Even at fourteen, he was quickly approaching his dad's height.

He was nearly knocked back into the car, but he braced himself on the door. He hugged me in return, laughing a little. I was acting like I hadn't seen him in years, when it'd only been a few weeks at most.

It'd always been that way, though.

"You look good." He commented as I stepped back. "The lobster skin really brings out your eyes."

"Shut up." I laughed, shoving him away from the car.

To my surprise, though, the front passenger door opened, and I only then realized that three people had occupied the car. Apparently, as she stepped out, my mom had tagged along. It wasn't a huge surprise, though. It made sense.

"Well, then." I teased lightly, crossing my arms as she looked at me. "What's the password?"

She pretended to hum in thought, and I laughed. Greeting her much more warmly than I would have years before. I really had to admit, she was doing so well. Once I decided to let go, and see where that took her, things had become a lot less strained between us.

As far as I knew, she hadn't had another drink. Though they'd been together for years, I also hadn't heard anything about a wedding, so I wasn't sure what that was about.

What also made it work, was the fact that she didn't attempt to act like my mom anymore. It took her a minute to figure that out, but she did eventually get it. In a way, by letting me go, she got me back.

"That drive sucks." Richard stated matter-of-factly, coming around the front of the car.

"It's a lot more fun with Leandra." Zack replied, looking to me.

"Ha." I looked back at Mark's arrival. "Trust me, you guys aren't missing much." I pouted, and he chuckled.

"Come on, dude." Josh waved Andrew forward. "You're sharing the room with us." We waited for him to grab his bag before we all started toward the house. I decided to tag along, mostly because I'd missed him.

And I really wanted to see his reaction to the inside.

I trailed closely after them, and his expression was more than satisfying enough.

"Holy hell." He laughed, looking around like I had done. I stepped forward and hugged his side as we walked. We approached the short hallway, and made it into the room before I let him go.

"You get the bottom bunk." Zack followed us in. "Those two share that." Zack laughed, waving it off like that was normal.

"We always share." I added. He accepted that rather easily. It was no secret to him that we were close, and I was almost always over at his house. It was also no secret to him that I slept better with someone else, because that had happened a few times at his house too.

I doubted he even thought twice about it.

Andrew only knew a handful of things Josh, Zack and I would get into, and he disapproved of every single one of those things. He hadn't ratted us out to his dad yet, though.

We all got changed into our bathing suits, and were out back before noon. Before I could make it outside, though, my phone rang in my hand. I sighed. It was Carlisle, but it was probably about time I talked to him myself. I knew he'd only tolerate Mark as a secretary for so long before he'd start to wonder.

"Hey." I answered with a smile. "Andrew just got here, so we're going out."

"It seems like you're having a good time." He replied, and I heard how relieved that made him. I was glad I could provide that.

"I am." I laughed, walking outside into the mid-morning sun. "And _don't_ worry, we're being good."

"I'm glad to hear it." He trusted me. "I don't mean to keep you. I only wanted to check in."

"You're not keeping me." I assured him, sitting down in the chair I'd vacated earlier that morning. "Oh, that reminds me. When I get back, I need to talk to Mikah about something."

He seemed hesitant. "I really don't know about that."

"I know you've been keeping us apart for my own safety, but I'm a little confused about something. I just need him to clarify." I threw a lighthearted laugh in there for added benefit, and he sighed. "Plus, I miss him. He was my friend before he was a reporter, remember? Come on."

"We'll discuss it." He said, and I nodded.

"Okay." I replied easily. That was fine. I wouldn't turn it into a thing until he specifically said no. Usually if he meant no, he would say no. If he was considering it, he'd say he was considering it. I'd come to depend on his word.

He was quiet for a few seconds before he spoke again.

"I feel like I need to ask." He said. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay." I shrugged. "I got a little sunburned the other day, but I learned my lesson." I looked down at my upper chest. "It's not too bad."

"That isn't what I mean." He replied, and I fell quiet. "It's been quite awhile since we've talked about it." It. The subject they usually avoided with me. I hated thinking about it, and they knew it.

"It's over." I replied, my tone a little tighter. "I mostly just don't think about it." He sighed, so I went on. "I know you tell me not to do that, but it's gonna happen anyway. At least when it comes to Aro. If I think about him, I just get mad, and I don't like being mad." I did stupid things when I got mad.

"I really think we need to talk about it when you get home."

I groaned, sliding down in my chair.

"I know." He heard it.

"I don't know what else I can say." I replied. "I already told you everything I know about what happened that day, so if you're looking for another angle, there isn't one."

"We've discussed the details, but we don't often discuss your thoughts about them." He explained gently, and I sighed. That wouldn't change anything. What was he really looking for?

"My thoughts on it don't really matter." I sighed. "I'm handling it the best way I know how. Just let me handle it." I looked over as Richard and Mark made their way out. An open beer in their hands.

"That isn't true." Carlisle replied, bringing my focus back to him.

"It is, though." I replied. "How I feel about it doesn't change anything. Not a damn thing. I already _told_ you that."

"We'll talk about this later." He finally said, and I took a deep breath. I didn't want to get mad at him.

"Okay." I said again, sighing heavily. "But I'm not changing my mind. You know me. I can out-stubborn you." I clearly heard his quiet chuckle.

"I'm beginning to wonder." He admitted, and I smiled a little.

We ended the call not long later, and I sighed again, tossing my phone onto the chair in front of me. Not hard, but lightly. As irritated as I was, I did like my phone.

"Trouble?" Richard asked me, and I shook my head.

"Nah." I replied. "Just bugged." He chuckled.

"Go easy on your parents." He said. "They're just looking out for you."

"I know." I forced a small laugh, but I was far from calmed. The fact that Carlisle brought it up told me he'd been thinking about it, which told me it would plague my mind until I did something to smooth those jagged nerves.

Ahead, passed the fence and the wall, the boys were all gathered near the water. Already sufficiently distracted, so I stood up and rounded for the door.

Inside, my mom and Heather were talking at the small kitchen table, so I felt grateful that the refrigerator door opened toward them and blocked their view. I reached in and grabbed a beer. At the exact same time, I grabbed a bottle of water, and lifted it to display it right as Heather glanced at me.

She went on with what she was saying to my mom, so I turned. Obscuring the beer bottle against my chest and allowing the fridge door to drift close on its own. I headed straight down the hallway toward the bedroom with the water bottle clearly in view.

They didn't even notice.

I closed the bedroom door, and sighed again. Trying to ease whatever anxiety had decided to come up and I sat on the sofa-bed, opening the bottle with the edge of the sheet.

I couldn't exactly chug it, because that would make me throw up, but I didn't take my time drinking it. I was so bugged by just the reminder, I needed to shut it up. If I knew for sure I could have gotten away with it, I would have taken a second one.

My limit was about five. That was when I knew to stop. One wasn't going to do anything more than calm me down.

My agreement with Aro, no matter how hard I tried not to, crossed my mind daily. When I was reminded of it by someone else, it crossed my mind before I was ready for it to. That made me defensive, and in being defensive, I got angry.

Shaking my head, I drank the last of the liquid in the bottle and stood up. I set the bottle in the little crevice between the rest of the couch and the bed part, making a mental note to dispose of it when nobody was around to notice.

I left the room, passing right by my mom and Heather again.

"Hang on." I jumped a little at my mom's call. My heart sank a little as I immediately wondered how much I'd breathed on my way by. Had she smelled it?

I held my breath and turned around to face her. She waved me forward, but she was smiling, so I didn't want to make it a huge deal. I stepped closer to her, and she reached out, taking the pendant I wore between her fingers.

I swallowed nervously, waiting for her to get her look.

"That's really beautiful." She commented with a smile. I smiled as well. I knew if I were to say anything, or even breathe, both of them would smell the beer on me. I'd been in this position before, though. She let the pendant fall, much to my relief.

I nodded a little and hurried out the door.

"Okay, bye." My mom called jokingly, but it was enough.

I returned to the patio, picked up my phone and set it to the side in a shady spot.

"We'll keep an eye on that for you." Mark offered, and I paused.

"He already called today." I reminded him. I was far enough away from him to not worry about them smelling the beer on me. Richard and Mark were both drinking one themselves, anyway.

"I know." Mark replied. "Just in case." I nodded.

"Thank you." I appreciated that, handing it to him instead.

I sighed, finally descending the steps to go find the boys. I spotted them easily, right in the water like the other night. Every step over the sand made me feel lighter. Like I could just keep moving, walking away from my issues. Reaching the water, I waded forward quickly, and jumped onto Andrew's bare back.

His skin was naturally darker than mine was, so though he didn't smell like sun-screen, I knew he wouldn't burn as easily as I did. It made me a little jealous.

He supported my legs instinctively, laughing as he looked back at me.

"Hi." I said, and he gave me a look.

"Leandra." He scolded, and I knew what his problem was. He smelled it. I grinned and kissed his cheek in response. He continued to hold me up, though. He didn't dump me into the water, so I knew he wasn't that mad at me.

In the water, I was as lighter than a backpack, so I stayed there. He didn't even seem to care while we floated around and talked.

My thoughts wandered a little, though. My mom had commented on how beautiful my pendant was. It really was, and it was one of my most prized possessions, but that made me think.

Sometimes, shit happens. I would absolutely hate to ever lose it. I knew if I ever did lose it, they'd just replace it probably overnight, but this one had a hell of a lot of sentimental value to it. How could I keep it with me without risking losing it?

There was something to that. It was just taking me a minute to get there.

"I'm bored." I finally announced.

"Well, what do you want to do?" Zack asked, and I laughed.

"You're asking me?" I asked. "I've been here like three days." I paused to think while they laughed. "You guys have been coming here for years, right? Did you ever make any friends? Like the ones at home?" Meaning friends with connections to things we shouldn't have. They knew that by now.

"A couple." Zack nodded a little. "Why?"

"Just curious." I replied, finally dropping off of Andrew's back. The water was colder than I was expecting, so I lost my breath for a second. "Let's find some of them. Where do we find them?" The water came up to my chest, so I backed up a few steps.

Josh smiled. "What did you have in mind?"

"I'm not sure yet." I laughed a little. I knew there had to be an opportunity out there somewhere. This place was a lot bigger than just our little piece of beach. I wanted to explore it. I wanted to see things.

They seemed to think hard, but Josh was the one that spoke.

"Let's go for a walk."

That appealed to me greatly.

"Should I get my shoes?" I wondered, and he thought about it.

"Wouldn't hurt." He replied, and we started toward the house. Someone, probably my mom or Heather, had draped four towels over the fence for us. I appreciated that, as the sun had warmed them. It felt nice after the cold of the water. We took only a few minutes to dry off a little before going inside.

I pulled on shorts, but I left the halter top right where it was. I didn't feel like changing into a shirt. I remembered to grab my wallet and phone. We were given permission to explore, as long as we stayed close enough to get back before dark. That was easy enough to agree to, since it was just before noon.

So we walked. We were all still quite damp, but so was most of everyone else on the beach. We fit right in with what we wore, which was new.

Abruptly, though, Josh turned and headed toward the houses along the edge of the beach. There was a cut-through here. We followed him up some concrete steps, and soon enough, we made it to the street. The further we went, the busier it got, both with people and shops.

I'd never been shopping in a bathing suit before, but it was more relaxed than that. There were so many people around, just milling about or riding their bike, I was surprised we were even in the same place.

Josh seemed to be scanning the people around us, probably looking for someone. I wasn't going to complain, because it was exactly what I requested. I did smile to myself, though. He was often the one that came through for me.

This was admittedly a nice change of pace. As claustrophobic as my mind tried to make me be, I had three of my favorite people with me. I felt safe enough.

When Josh finally stopped us, it was so he could look across the narrow street at one of the many side shops. I looked over as well, curious to see which one of the many people he was looking at.

After a few seconds, when the group of people passing us thinned enough, he led us forward. Zack's smile told me he knew who it was. I was still clueless, though. I held my patience as Josh approached an older girl as she stood with her back turned, and lightly tapped her shoulder.

She immediately spun, but her eyes found him easily. It took hardly a second before her bright smile stretched across her thin face. Her light brown hair was thrown back in a loose ponytail, but several strands fell into her brown eyes.

"Holy shit." She laughed.

Josh immediately chuckled, and turned her way to greet her with a hug.

"Damn, it's been too long, stranger!" She commented, stepping back. "You got _tall_."

Zack hopped forward next, and she greeted him as well, so that small pang of jealousy cooled itself easily.

"Leandra, this is Lisa." Josh smiled. "Lisa, this is Leandra. She's my best friend."

"Ooh." Lisa smiled as well, holding her hand out. "Best friend? You got the 'best', girl." I loosened up, laughing as well, shaking her hand. I couldn't help noticing, though, that both of her arms were covered in tattoos. I studied them closely. They fascinated me instantly. There were so many, I didn't know which ones to look at first, but I didn't want to be weird and stare.

I moved back to Zack's side as Andrew was introduced.

"You're cute." She pointed right at Andrew, much to his appreciation. It really didn't take me long to like her. She was so straightforward, it was hard not to. I loved it when people were like that.

"We're looking for Matt." Josh told her, and she looked at him. "Do you know where he is?"

"I haven't seen him lately." She replied apologetically. "Did you check his usual spot?"

"Not yet." He admitted. "I thought for sure he'd be with you."

"Nah, we broke up." She shook her head. "He was just starting to act like too much of an ass, so I dropped him."

"Really?" Josh frowned. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not." She assured him with a smile. "He's been hanging out with Noah a lot. Try there if he's not at his usual place."

Josh nodded, but my curiosity finally got the better of me.

"How bad does that hurt?" I asked, and she looked at me. I pointed to her arm, and she laughed.

"A lot." She replied, looking her left arm over. "But it's worth it."

"And how much would it cost?" I asked thoughtfully. "Just for one, not all those."

She smiled knowingly. "How old are you?"

"Leandra?" Andrew asked, but I ignored him.

"Seventeen." I replied instantly, and Zack laughed. He'd caught on.

She studied me a little bit before she nodded a little.

"It depends." She explained. "How big and how much detail. Ink costs money, and so does time. Did you have anything specific in mind?" Did I? I inspected her arms, just for an idea. My thoughts drifted back to what I was thinking about earlier.

As if it was my intention all along, I raised my pendant and showed it to her. She lifted it gently and inspected it.

"How big?" She asked, and I raised my hand to give an approximate size. "Rough estimate, one-eighty. And that's only because I like you." I could tell she really didn't expect me to agree.

"Is this really a good idea?" Andrew asked me. I studied her arms again, and the amount of detail between the different pictures in her skin was really impressive.

"Yep." I answered him. "I think I can pay that easy."

Zack laughed again, and Josh shook his head.

"But I need to get cash." I added. "Because I don't want my dad finding out."

Blinking in surprise, she pointed to the left, and I looked over. "ATM right over there, sweets." I spotted it easily sitting out of the way between two other shops. "And you lucked out. My guy is free today." I assumed she meant the one that did all her tattoos.

"Really?" I asked, suddenly excited.

"Yeah." She laughed. "He's my brother."

That settled it, then. I didn't even have to wonder how I knew we would end up meeting Lisa, or that she'd be able to get me what I wanted. Things like this tended to fall in my lap all the time.

"Be right back." I told her, and she nodded. I pulled my wallet out, and fished out the credit card I'd been given.

"I really think you should reconsider." Andrew had followed me. "Places like that can carry diseases, you could get sick. He could fuck it up, and then you'd be stuck with a blob the rest of your life.. Seriously, think about it."

I withdrew $300. Just for a nice even, non-conspicuous amount. It wasn't hard to think of an excuse for the money. I was doing some shopping, and I didn't want to bring the whole card out every time I wanted something. It was just some spending money.

I returned to Lisa's side, and nodded. She nodded as well, and pulled out her phone. She found a number and called.

"Hey." She spoke after a few rings. "Come to the shop. You're doing a tattoo. It'll be quick. Five minutes." Even I knew that was a lie, so I laughed a little.

"Three hundred." I said, and she nodded.

"Hundred dollar tip if you get your ass to the shop now." She ended the call before he could reply, and smiled at us. "Right this way, my friend." She gestured for us to follow her.

"This is going to be awesome." Zack laughed as I made my way into the shop after her. The boys all followed.

Through the back, and to the front, we walked outside onto another street. It was the biggest cul-de-sac I'd ever seen. At the top of the other side, sat a small strip-mall. It wasn't really that far of a walk, but again, I felt like I was in a new city.

Down at the end of this little strip-mall was another little shop. She walked right up to it, and opened the door for us. It jingled. We filed in and the the first thing that caught my eye was the checkered, black and white tile floor. It smelled almost overwhelmingly clean inside, and the dark blue walls held rows and rows of nice photo frames, featuring designs for tattoos.

I drifted closer, scanning all the photos on one wall. I couldn't believe some of those were on people.

"See any you guys like?" Lisa asked, coming up behind us. "We could do a multiple discount."

"Our mom would kill us." Zack laughed.

"What about you?" She smiled at Andrew. "I could do you for free." Josh snorted and I did as well, recovering in a laugh.

"He's fourteen." I decided to let her know, and she laughed in surprise.

"He's _fourteen_?" She asked, looking him up and down. "I didn't know they made them like this. Shit, I could work with that." She nudged him, but laughed as she turned away, toward the opposite wall. "Over here is the work my brother has done."

Interested, I followed her. There were pictures of so many intricate tattoos on this wall, and again, I could hardly believe it. Faces that actually looked like faces, and animals that actually looked real. Flowers that looked like they'd actually give off a smell.

I fully believed that I lucked out. It was just amazing what he could do.

"Feel better?" I asked, looking over at Andrew. He didn't reply, giving me a look before turning his attention back to the wall.

"Aww, does Andy have doubts?" Lisa asked. "Don't you worry. She's in good hands here. You can be right there with her, just to make sure everything is done right."

"Can I watch too?" Zack asked. "If she cries, I wanna see it."

"She won't." Lisa stuck up for me before I could smack him. "It hurts, but I think she's tough enough." She looked at me. "Where do you think you want it?"

I honestly hadn't thought about that.

"If you're hiding it from your parents, might I suggest a thigh?" She asked. "Butt. Back. Chest.. Hips are popular lately, and ribs."

That gave me an idea.

"Can it go over a scar?" I asked, and she nodded.

"Lots of people cover scars with tattoos." She replied easily. "Which one?" I reached up and moved the strap of my halter-top enough to show her. Smack dab in the middle of my right upper chest sat the scar that bothered me so much.

I hated looking at it, and if I could cover it with something that meant a lot to me, I was all for it.

She winced, leaning closer to look at it.

"That can be covered, no problem, but.." She hesitated. "He's probably going to need that strap out of the way. You can stay covered, and he's not grabby."

"Sure." I shrugged. She nodded, right as the door opened again behind us and we all turned to look. The guy that walked in looked nearly twenties. Very lean, really tanned. Just as much as his sister. He spotted us easily.

"Josh!" He laughed, and walked over easily. Josh grinned and greeted him in return, just as warmly. "How the hell have you been?"

"I knew you wouldn't mind." Lisa smirked and he chuckled. She rounded to my side, throwing her arm around me. "This is your canvas. Her name's Leandra. She's new."

"I'm Nico." He held his hand out, and I smiled a little in return as I took it. "I have to ask, though. How old are you?"

"Seventeen." I replied confidently. He immediately looked like he doubted my answer, looking me over.

"And I'm assuming you don't have any ID on you?" He guessed, and I smiled. He seemed to debate with himself, crossing his arms with a sigh.

"She's seventeen." Lisa assured him, and I smiled my thanks over at her. "Trust me, I'm a doctor." Zack laughed.

"Alright." He sighed. "Come on over here, and let's talk." He nodded toward the front desk area. We all followed him, but I was the one he needed to talk to.

"What did you have in mind?" He asked. I hated removing it, but I handed him my necklace. For a moment, he seemed intimidated, but that didn't stop him. He inspected it from every angle and different light.

"Whole thing?" He asked. "Or just the crest?"

"Whole thing." I answered. It all meant a lot to me, not just the crest. He nodded, and reached for a thin pencil.

It really didn't take long for him to have a design drawn out that I really liked. He had copied the design almost exactly, aside from a few embellishments I approved of.

We agreed on a price, and he led me further in the back. I was sat down, and then came the awkward part. Removing my top enough to give him room to place the design on my skin for him to follow. I was allowed to keep the embarrassing part covered, but it was low enough to hesitate a second. I wouldn't be allowed to move much during this.

There would be shading, and a lot of it, which I was told would hurt the most. I didn't really want color to it, so black and white was just fine with me.

I lowered the strap just enough, and though I was a little nervous, he was very professional. He cleaned my skin and his hands with a very foamy type of soap and pulled gloves on before even getting anywhere near me.

"So can I ask what happened?" He was referring to the scar he was covering up.

"Someone tried to kill me." I replied calmly, and he froze for a second. "Didn't work."

"Clearly." He replied, continuing on. "No wonder you want this gone." He obviously didn't know what else to say. Just like I thought he would, he centered the crest over the round of the scar, covering it completely. He seemed more confident, though. Like he felt better about doing this for me now that he knew my reason.

I had to admit, I was pretty nervous, but seeing the design printed on my skin to guide him, I wasn't regretting this decision yet. The boys all found a seat to my other side, and I felt better with them there.

Every tool was opened, pulled from sterilized packaging right there next to me. As he was doing this, he was explaining exactly how it was going to work. Essentially, this would be a wound that I'd need to care for, as the ink was going to go several layers deep into the skin. He let me look at the needle itself, which was very tiny. It looked complicated, but I trusted that he knew what he was doing.

Lisa hung around too, just to chat with me and keep my mind busy as Nico got to work. The first I felt of the stinging, it did hurt, but it mostly made me want to scratch it. Like getting stung by a bee, but repeatedly and without the burning part after. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

I was reminded to breathe a few times over the two-and-a-half hours I was sitting there, but I was fine. I wasn't going to pass out or anything. I found that as he moved, different parts of the skin hurt more than others, but otherwise, it went pretty well. I couldn't help watching the entire process as the scar disappeared, and something amazing was put in its place.

It was a key, just like the one I wore around my neck, but a little bigger and perfectly printed on my skin forever. When it was finally finished, it looked like I could just reach down and pick it up. I was so happy with it.

Nico had given me something awesome, and though I felt like it should have cost more, he was kind enough to only take $200, as long as I allowed him to take a picture of the finished product for his wall. I agreed of course. He was very talented, and I didn't mind at all. Plus it was close enough that nobody could tell exactly where on me it was done.

I was given instructions on how to care for it while it was healing and some supplies in a little baggy. It was covered loosely with a square of gauze, and we were on our way. I couldn't find regret anywhere in me, and I knew I'd love it as long as I had it.

I couldn't help thanking both of them repeatedly, and they both seemed only too happy to have helped me out.

We walked slowly back toward the house, because it was getting to be the later part of the afternoon, and I was starving. My nerves were shot, though, from sitting so still for so long.

"Did you bring your cigarettes?" I asked, looking over at Josh. He chuckled, reaching into his pocket.

"Be honest, how bad did it hurt?" He asked, handing me his pack and a lighter.

I hesitated. "I've had so much worse." Which was completely true.

"Now, how are you going to hide that from everyone?" Andrew asked pointedly. He was still upset with me. I knew why he was asking. I was told it was best to keep it uncovered as much as possible to let it breathe. Non-binding clothes and stuff were fine, but that bandages weren't a good idea.

"Easy." I replied. "Don't even worry about it." I lit my cigarette, and sighed heavily, returning the pack to Josh.

We took our time, and I had to admit how nice it was to just walk. It was relaxing.

As it turned out, all the adults were in the middle of a discussion when we got back, so I was easily able to duck into the bedroom to change into a t-shirt.

The truth was, it had really stung, but when I spent entire years bruised black just over 90% of my body, a little bit of stinging barely phased me. I had lost a little bit of my pain tolerance the longer I went without feeling those beatings, but not enough for something like a tattoo to bother me more than a little bit.

I hated those memories, though, so before I even left the bedroom, I vowed to steal another beer that night. I rarely stole a beer from the same fridge twice in one day, but dammit, it worked.

I kept my smile up all through dinner. The fact that I had a huge secret just under the gauze beneath my shirt made it just amusing enough to be possible. I had to keep it clean, but I couldn't get it wet for at least two days. No steamy showers, either. I'd been given a small tin of some kind of cream that was supposed to help it heal and sooth any itching that might pop up.

I was outside that night, true to my vow, with a beer in one hand, a cigarette in another, and Josh summoned to bring out the other smoking substance. Andrew had fallen asleep pretty early, along with Zack, so I knew we would be alone.

The door quietly slid open behind me, and I looked back at Josh's arrival.

"What's going on with you today?" He asked gently.

Before he could sit, I stood up. He followed me as I relocated to the ocean side of the fence, and he sat with me in the sand. Just for a little more privacy. I took another, heavier drink from the bottle instead of answering him.

"It's okay." He assured me anyway, reaching over and hugging me into his side. He stole the cigarette from me, and handed me a tiny pipe. It was what he used when he didn't feel like rolling, but I didn't mind. It tasted better like this anyway.

"I might need more than this." I admitted, looking over at him.

"I had a feeling you would. I've got you covered." He assured me, and I nodded. I brought it up and lit my lighter, but I was having a bit of trouble. Placing the cigarette in his lips, he held his hands up to block the breeze suddenly pissing me off.

I sighed out a briefly held breath, taking another hit and handing it over to him.

We were quiet, sitting there and watching the waves in the distance. He knew my past was a very rocky one, and he knew his uncle was the one that caused it. I hadn't cried in front of him for over a year and a half, but tonight, I was close.

The last time I felt like this, I'd started that warehouse fire. It wasn't because I wasn't paying attention. It was because I completely believed I was invincible, and because fuck it.

I wanted to look over at him, and I wanted to ask him if he had any idea what it was like to be so completely torn. To be be so totally lost, ripped in so many different directions that sideways had become normal. I wanted to ask him to help me, because we were both sitting on the sand, but I was the one drowning.

I was suddenly so goddamn terrified. I felt sick with every bit of that emotion, but all I did was light another cigarette. Slowly, almost lazily.

I was so terrified, but I just couldn't let him see that. My face stayed calm, maybe a hint of a frown line between my brows as I let out my breath, the smoke wafting up and that seemed almost comforting.

Covering that scar seemed to be more symbolic than I thought, because that thought pattern opened up a whole different one that was impossible not to follow. That, on top of the conversation I knew Carlisle wanted to have, made me do my best to close those fissures again. Throwing every substance at them that I could. Normally, I didn't have to do such damage control. It was either one or the other.

I felt better after finishing my beer, at least.

"So..?" He prompted when I set the empty bottle in the sand. I was clearly no longer as agitated as I was before.

"Nothing." I replied, sighing. "I talked to my dad earlier, and it kinda messed me up." He nodded a little, looking down. I hated worrying him, but it was inevitable.

I laid my head to the side, resting it on his shoulder. I sighed, closing my eyes. Focusing on the breeze on my face more than I focused on the conversation. At least for a short few seconds.

"I'll be okay." I told him anyway.

"Will you?" He asked quietly, but I heard the honest concern there. "A tattoo?" I frowned, leaning over to look at him. Since when had he ever questioned what I did?

"You too?" I asked, and he sighed.

"It's not like that." He shook his head. "I know you, Leandra. I know when you branch out, and do something you wouldn't have done before, it's because something is getting to you. You drink more, and you smoke more, and then you do something _no_ one expects you to do. Over and over. Then you come back, and it just keeps going."

"Fuck off." I grumbled, standing up.

"I'm worried." He replied, standing up as well right as I walked toward the water. I didn't bother replying. Coming to a stop at the very edge of the waves' reach. I didn't particularly feel like getting wet, but this was the only direction I was brave enough to go.

I felt angry that he knew all that, when I hadn't even noticed that. It just proved that I really was a stranger to myself, and that hurt. Springing the anger forward.

"Something isn't going right." He went on, feet behind me. "What's it going to be next time? I'm so worried you're going to go in a direction that I can't follow."

"Didn't I tell you to fuck off?" I snapped over my shoulder. I didn't hear anything more, but I knew he wasn't leaving.

Sure enough, moments later, he slowly walked up behind me and hugged me lightly. His hands held my stomach, probably trying to be careful of my tattoo. In my own sort of apology, I lifted my hands and held onto his.

This wasn't the first time he'd shown concern, and those times always ended this way. He would hug me, and I'd let him. He would shut up about it, and I'd keep on going. One more thing.

I turned around in his arms to face him. I looked up at him with the most convincing eyes and small smile, and I kissed him.

"I'll be fine." I told him again, knowing full well that this was the biggest, most blatant lie I could ever tell him. If I looked closely enough, I could see that edge in his eyes. Between knowing it was a lie, and wanting so bad to believe me. I needed to sway him. I smiled a little more, and that was enough.

It made me sick sometimes how good I was at manipulating people.

He smiled in return, and he kissed me. Just like it always did, my broken heart cracked in one more spot as I returned it. Knowing that he would think the worst when I was gone, and how much he would hurt.

Wrapped in his arms, I broke the kiss to carefully hug him back. My arms down at the shoulder, my forearms around his waist. My head tucked under his chin so easily this way, and if I listened to his chest, I could hear his heartbeat and every breath he took.

It was this feeling that kept me holding onto him, but at the same time, it was the guilt I felt over holding onto him that drove me to do the things I did to worry him.

And my family. And his family. And Andrew, and his family. So many lies, partial truths and acts, I didn't even know where to begin. I was so many different people to so many different people. I just had no clue who I was supposed to be to myself.

As long as I just kept going, I could make it. I would never truly have to answer for any of it. The alcohol numbed my guilt for me, stuffing it back in the closet of other things I didn't want to face. The door was strong, but the things behind it wouldn't be ignored for long.

Standing like this, though, looking off to the side like I was, I saw something in the distance. I questioned my foggy brain as I spotted someone standing there. Too far away to even see whether they were facing away or toward us, but it was enough.

I stiffened, and Josh took notice. He pulled back and I blinked, but the figure was gone.

"What's wrong?" He asked, looking down at me.

"Just cold." I replied, unable to look away from the distance. "We should go in."

This time, I knew it wasn't my paranoia making shit up. I'd seen someone physically standing there one second, and gone the next. That was all I needed to know that I was definitely being spied on, because no human could move that fast on sand.

Josh nodded, and taking my hand, he led the way toward the house.

I fell asleep that night, curled up and he laid behind me, hugging me. I was awake long enough to know when he'd fallen asleep. I knew we'd both be fine in the morning. It would be just like it always was. He was as warm and constant as the sun. I was more like the waves. Cold, unpredictable. Here one minute, retreating the next and pulling everything with me.

Somehow, we fit.

**A/N: Chapter three. :)  
No getting tattoos, people. I mean, unless you're old enough. Then do what you want. Basically, don't be like her.  
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! To my AWESOME reviewers! I've seriously missed your guys' input, and reading your thoughts always makes my day better. :)  
Chapter Four is a doozy, and will probably need an ImPORTANT NOTE, so be prepared for that. It shouldn't take too long to come out. Just needs a final go over.  
Until then, my friends! :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**ImPORTANT NOTE: Lots of drinking, some adult themes, and whatnot in this chapter. Don't try this at home.**

**Chapter Four**

I woke up more irritated at being spied on than I was the night before. My memory was a little fuzzy, but I knew what I saw. It was also pretty possible I was just seeing shit. My guard was up, though.

I decided to wait and see. I'd be able to tell better what all that spy had seen when Carlisle called. I wouldn't call him, but I would wait.

Everyone was getting ready to go out. Heather was rushing off to meet with a realtor with her mom, and everyone else had a pretty set plan of sightseeing, and they were pretty determined to stay out all day.

I was sitting out on the back patio, just trying to get myself in the mood to go with the sightseeing crew when Carlisle finally called. It was just after 9:30.

I answered as 'okay' as I could. It was plenty. I told him about spending time with some old friends of Josh's the day before. I told him I had a good time, and it was nice to get to know some of the people here. They were very hospitable.

"So what's new?" I asked casually in a short pause in the conversation. I needed to see what he knew.

"Not very much, I suppose." He seemed a little puzzled by the question, which was both a good sign and a bad sign.

"Is Emmett still sulking?" I asked, and he laughed.

"No." He replied. "I think he finally accepted it."

"No one's been following me, have they?" I asked almost accusingly.

"No." He answered confidently. "We wouldn't break your trust that way."

"You could still follow me without me knowing."

"I suppose that is true." He countered. "But why? What reason would we have?" I knew he was thinking about the fact that there were four adults here with us. The fact that he even asked that question told me that none of them knew what I'd been up to. The fact that I was even still here told me the same thing, so I let that ease me.

I sighed with a small laugh.

"True." I said, nodding.

But if it wasn't them, then who was it? What did that tell me? More importantly, who else would have reason to follow me?

I thought of something. I had sudden suspicions. A hunch.

"Have you seen Mikah lately?"

"Not since last week." He answered. Not since I left. "I know you were wanting to speak with him." That was a very real possibility.

"No pressure or anything." I said. "It actually can wait."

That seemed to surprise him. "What changed your mind?"

"I decided it doesn't matter that much." I replied. "I just found something out, and wanted to ask him about it, but it doesn't even really matter. If you don't think I should, then I won't." I was reaching for points, it's true.

"Are you sure?" He asked, surprised.

"Yeah." I sighed. "It's nothing."

"Alright." He let it go. "I wanted to ask you about the withdrawal yesterday." I was prepared for that. I knew he would have probably gotten an alert or something.

"Oh, that was nothing." I shook my head. "I got it so I could leave the card safe at the house when we go places. There's a lot of people here, and most of them suck. I just wanted to be careful."

"That's very responsible of you." He approved.

I hated how easily I could lie to him. He used to be the person I trusted the most, even after what happened after they left. I told him everything, and I was using that mutual trust to lie. I closed my eyes at that pang of shame, just like I always did.

Shut up, I told it. I punched it back into its box too.

"Sorry, I should have told you first." I even threw in a little laugh.

"It's perfectly fine." He assured me, and I closed my eyes again. The sunlight was suddenly too bright for my slowly tearing eyes. I reached up with my free hand, and pressed my fingers against my brow.

"I have to go." I said, keeping my eyes closed and my hand up. "Richard and Mark are ready to go. Talk tomorrow?" That should give me enough time to figure something out.

"Of course." He replied. "Have fun today."

I forced a laugh. "I'll try."

As soon as I hung up, my smile faded. There was no way I was going anywhere. I stood up and I rounded, walking back into the house. Right over to Mark standing there, rinsing out the coffee pot.

"Would it be okay if I stayed here today?" I asked him in a quiet murmur, and he looked down at me.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." I replied as casually as I could. "I'm just not really feeling up to it today." He obviously arrived at his own conclusion, which I was just fine with, because he nodded in understanding.

"That's perfectly fine, sweetheart." He said. "I'll play interference. Do you need us to get anything while we're out?"

"No, I'm okay. I'll probably just sleep the whole time you guys are gone, but thanks."

It took a lot to convince Josh to go without me, but Mark managed to. I just needed a few hours alone to finally get a hold on my rebelling mind again. That was usually all it took.

Not even five minutes after they had gone on their adventure for the day, I was in the bathroom. The hot shower running, the window open, the fan on and Josh's bag open on the bed.

I hadn't felt this in awhile, but I recalled the pain perfectly, so I braced myself, and I laid down. I braced myself, because the cycle was starting again. Sometimes, when every other substance didn't work to interrupt that cycle, sleep was my last resort. I was after a whole lot of sleep, so I needed a little bit of help to get there. This was the one consistently reliable way to get it.

I made sure to spray the room thoroughly in air freshener, the window still open with the fan still on when I left it. It would smell fresh as a daisy by the time they all got back.

Back in the room, closing the curtains to darken the room, I removed my shorts and returned to bed. Just where I said I'd be.

It took me a few minutes to fall asleep, my brain going over the pressing thoughts I'd been having lately instead.

When I stopped trying to fall asleep, my mind relaxed enough to allow me. That was a trick I'd learned. As well as leaving my eyes open as long as I possibly could. Or tracing a repeated circle over my toe with my other toe. Little tricks like that had probably saved my life over the last few years.

I slept hard, which was quite surprising. Slowly coming around when I woke up, instead of all at once.

When I opened my eyes, my mind was blank but I felt restless, as I was already pushing myself up a little. I immediately reached for my phone and checked it. Rubbing my eyes and face as I checked two text messages from Josh. As soon as my blurry eyes decided to focus, I smiled and laid back down.

One was a photo he'd sent of him and Zack in front of a random statue. Zack was pretending to pick its nose. The next one was just a message, hoping I was getting some good rest.

I sent him a message, letting him know I was alive and I asked if Zack had picked me a winner.

I couldn't believe how late it was already. Nearly 7pm. I'd been completely useless today, but my head was certainly a quieter place. I hoped it stayed that way.

I rolled out of bed, and wandered into the bathroom to take a look at my healing tattoo. I wanted to make sure sleeping that hard didn't fuck it up.

It was perfectly fine, but it itched a little so I took care of it. Washing my hands thoroughly first, I used the little bottle of antibacterial soap I was given and very gently washed it. My skin thanked me for it.

Once I patted it dry, I inspected it closer. I knew the scar was somewhere under the top of it, but I honestly couldn't even tell anymore. It still looked amazing, and I couldn't wait for it to heal. I honestly didn't know it would come out looking this good, or this realistic, but I still felt no regret. It looked as real as the key hanging around my neck.

I wasn't sure how long I would wear the pendant, but it felt comforting to me. So I'd keep it until I was okay with taking it off. I'd worn it pretty much every day for years. Since I got it.

Once I'd patted the tattoo dry, I threw on a clean shirt and made my way out of the room toward the kitchen. I drank a full glass of water, grabbed an orange from the bowl on the counter, and headed outside for a breather. During my washing task, I received another message from Josh, letting me know they were all going to see a movie and would be back as soon as they could.

'No problem. Have fun!' Was my response, typed with my pinky finger while I peeled said orange. I was okay with that. It was actually pretty perfect. The sunlight was still a factor, and would be for a little while, but as soon as it went down, I would be looking for someone.

It was quiet out tonight, the beach was thinning of people. I chose to tie my hair up, the slight breeze making it blow uncomfortably into my face, but otherwise, it was nice. I forced myself to keep my hand away from the itchy part of my skin. If it got bad enough, I would have to go get something cold from the freezer.

Leaning on the backyard fence, I ate my orange in pieces, and looked out toward the ocean. Watching the waves, I waited. Biding my time until I knew he would show up.

I really thought about it. It felt like something was off. That was all it took to tell me to be very careful. The fact that I stood there, expecting Mikah to show up again couldn't be a coincidence. That was him the night before, and he would be back.

That 'off' feeling was part of what was messing me up. It explained the increased drinking and smoking, the tattoo.. There was a pressure there those things couldn't reach. That pressure was a bad thing.

"Shit." I sighed silently to myself, rubbing my face with my free hand. I was tired. "Fuckin' shit. What now?"

I was there for just over an hour. Eventually choosing to just sit down on the other side of the fence, just because I was tired of standing. I hardly paid any attention to the way I was dressed, despite how I had to look like crap. More specifically, a bum with no pants.

From here, the beach looked mostly deserted. Where a ton of people had been earlier in the day, there was nearly no one now.

Except there was someone. Where there was no one seconds before, there stood someone now. Without me even seeing where he'd come from, he was standing there. Down the beach a ways, but there he was.

Even from this far, though, I recognized him this time. Now that I knew who to look for, I wondered how I didn't catch on the first time. I immediately smiled and stood up.

I started straight across the sand toward him. Barefoot, I was a little slow, but I did my best. He looked over at my approach, smiling a little as well. He greeted me with a small bow and I laughed.

It really had been too long since I last saw Mikah. Vaguely, I did inventory of my emotions. That pressure was still there, but standing with him, I felt lighter. It was weird, and definitely worth looking at closer, but as long as we'd been apart, it felt like no time had passed.

"Where have you been?" I asked, coming to stand beside him. I definitely noticed a difference now in my height. Last time I saw him, he was almost a full two feet taller than me. I'd done some catching up.

"Around." Was his simple reply. "You wouldn't believe how strict they are about that."

"I believe it." I laughed, shoving him a little. "I missed you." He laughed, but the sound was quiet. Like just talking to me bothered him. My smile faded a little, and my eyes narrowed. "Okay, spill."

"Spill?" He asked mildly curious, scanning the beach.

"Tell me why you've been stalking me." I clarified, and he smirked, shaking his head. "What? Was it my family?"

"I've been around for quite some time, princess." He said, looking over at me.

"Around?" I asked. "Doing what?"

"My job." He answered, and again, I frowned. I wasn't getting it.

"They don't know you're here?"

"No." He finally admitted with a sigh. "And as much as it sucks, it's not up to them anymore."

What the hell was he trying to say? "What's that mean?"

He was quiet, so I shoved him again.

"Just tell me." I snapped lightly. He suddenly straightened, and turned. Walking slowly away, and gesturing me to follow. I scooted after him.

"Okay, so you know I was the one picked to give Aro reports." He seemed hesitant to bring it up.

"I know." I prompted, walking alongside him. Duh.

"Well, your family did give me their reports." He went on. "But I also had to give him my own." I frowned again, looking over at him. "Aro wasn't happy without the whole story. He wanted more firsthand stuff, so.. I've.. Sort of been following you."

"How long?" I asked, and I stopped walking.

"For.. Awhile." He replied hesitantly. "Long enough."

It took me a second to realize what he was getting at.

"Oh." I finally muttered, my stomach dropping. "I get it."

"My job was to keep tabs on you." He admitted. "To check in every now and then, and show him what I found. As much as he trusted the Cullens to keep you alive, he wasn't about to risk you by completely leaving you to their care."

"Well, that's stupid." I muttered, angry now.

"Was it?" He asked skeptically, and I shut up. He continued. "The more he found out about your.. Habits, the more surveillance you've been under. The more I had to follow you. He's not happy with those habits, to put it simply." It embarrassed me a little to know someone else knew what I had been doing.

"And it's not like you could lie to him." I grumbled, crossing my arms. "Dammit."

"I'm sorry." He smiled sadly. "I couldn't let you know before."

I shrugged, looking down. It wasn't exactly his fault.

"Can I just ask.." He started in my silence. "Leandra, what the hell are you thinking?"

"How long have you been waiting to ask that question?" I asked in return.

"What does that matter?"

"Because that changes how I'm supposed to answer." I replied simply.

"Try truthfully?" He suggested incredulously, and I shrugged. We were agreeing to disagree while he studied me.

"Wait." I hesitated. "If you weren't allowed to let me know before, why are you letting me know now?"

He took a hesitant breath, and huffed out a laugh.

"You're in a little bit of trouble, princess." He replied, and I glared a little. I wasn't sure how I liked that. "I've been promoted."

"To..?"

"Aro's not pleased." Mikah reminded me. "He wants me to step in, and do the job the Cullens aren't doing."

"Which is?" I was finally coming back to my senses at the down-talk about my family. I didn't like it.

"It's my job to keep you safe." He told me apologetically. "Reel you in, so to speak."

"I'm still alive, aren't I?" There was the irritation I missed so much. "They're doing just fine."

"Are they really?" He asked quietly. "Their job was to keep you from harm. They're not doing that."

"How is what I do their fault?"

"So.." He went on, ignoring that part. "I have to be the one that watches you. At home, too." I understood what he was getting at, and I gave him a flat look. "Consider me your personal body guard."

"Body guard?" I snorted. "They're not gonna let that happen."

"Assigned by Aro himself." He confirmed. "They have no say."

I took a breath, looking away. If Mikah had to suddenly stick around, they were going to wonder. If they had to wonder, then that would mean a lot of answering to do on my part. I was suddenly cornered by all the things I'd been doing.

"Can you just _not_?" I snapped. "I don't need a body guard."

"What do you think?" He asked, laughing humorlessly. "I actually think it's a good idea. The things you've been doing-"

"Just shut up." I growled. "You could have at least told me to knock it off."

"I wasn't allowed to step in before." He countered. "Now, I am. Now is when I get to do the reeling in." His expression turned sad as he shook his head. "What were you thinking?" His disappointment bothered me.

"And what if I say no?" I dodged that attempt. He gave me a look that said what he didn't have to. It wasn't up to me either. "This is fucking bullshit."

"I'm sorry." He really did seem sorry, but I was still pissed.

"What are _you_ gonna do, anyway?" I asked, and this time, his brow lifted. "I mean, all I have to do is stay in the sun, and you can't do shit to stop me from doing anything."

"Fair enough." He allowed that with a small nod. "But there is plenty I can do when you're back home."

"Fair enough." I repeated. He did have a point. "Then I'll just hang out with Josh more-"

"That's assuming you're ever let out of the house again." He countered, and I glared once more. "They're going to _need_ an explanation."

I'd already thought of that moments before, but I still hated the reminder.

"You can just stay away from me." I told him, hoping it was firm enough. "And tell Aro I don't like this. He can take his surveillance and shove it right up his ass."

I turned, heading back toward the house.

"I'm sorry, princess." He called after me. "But I'll be watching. Stop smoking, sober up, and put some clothes on. Nice tattoo, by the way."

I chose to keep my reply to myself, turning long enough to flip him off with both hands before continuing on. If he thought he could tell me what to do, he was mistaken. Deeply. I was _so_ mad.

Just as a 'fuck you', I grabbed a beer as soon as I was at the fridge. I should have expected that not to work, but I actually jumped when it was stolen from my hand. Startled, I rounded to slap the thief, but of course, it was Mikah.

He caught my wrist and with it, backed me up a step, gently into the wall. He didn't move, but he kept hold. In the light of the open fridge, I glared up at him. He smirked down at me, but not in a condescending way. He was amused.

I didn't say anything, and neither did he, but he did seem to challenge me with his expression. Like he was daring me to argue with him. It was at that moment that my stupid brain reminded me that the only reason he could be standing here with me, was because we were alone.

With a frustrated, sighing groan, I pulled my wrist free and pushed him away. Without another look, I turned and headed for the room. Ignoring his chuckle behind me.

I hated backing down, but there was no way he'd let me grab another one, so trying would have been stupid. When he couldn't stop me, everyone else would stop me for him.

Unless I just kept sneaking them. I relied on the protection of the oblivious humans around me to keep making those bad choices. For now, I had a shield.

The others got back around 9pm that night, and Heather returned a little later. She and Mark went straight to bed, Andrew and Zack crapping out on us soon after.

Josh and I excused ourselves to sit outside, but went for a short walk instead. I didn't see anything off, but then again, there was less illumination tonight. He held my hand, and it was nice.

We chatted about our day, and I let him know I should be better now. He knew my patterns by then, so he believed me. It was times like this that I counted myself lucky that he understood me so easily. His support came so naturally, and when he saw something off, he told me. He didn't dance around it, but when I did better, he was just as enthusiastic. He liked to see me do better.

At the end of our walk, he gave me another one of those enveloping hugs, and it only helped.

I laid awake for quite awhile that night, but my mind was still on Mikah and what he told me. I was worried. I wasn't immune to the nervous knot in my stomach at just the thought of all the disappointment I was going to have to face as soon as I went home. I wasn't afraid of any sort of punishment for the things I'd been doing. I was afraid of seeing the moment they learned that I let them down.

I still had another week, though. I could stop doing it all now, but I was already in for it. I still had time, and Mikah's warning wouldn't slow me down.

Fuck him.

I wouldn't let Mikah or Aro stand in the way of me doing the things I wanted to do. I still had _time_, dammit. I wasn't his yet.

The sun rose bright the following morning, and with it, a deep sense of pressure to get moving. Once again, I was up with Heather, but she had the day off. I was glad to hear that, because she really looked like she needed it. I felt bad for her.

At my insisting, the four of us went for another walk. Right back toward where we'd found trouble the other day. It was the humanest place I could think of, and the more people around, the smaller chance of Mikah following me. The last thing he wanted was to be seen.

We walked along for a short time before the crowd started to get thicker. There were people lining, coming and going throughout the entire stretch of shops and attractions. I stuck close to Josh's side, Zack and Andrew a little more relaxed behind us.

We found a rather interesting little shop filled with everything from clothes to snacks. Key chains, magnets and neat tiny bottles filled with sand told me this was a spot for souvenirs. I didn't really feel like buying anything, but it was something to pass the time since none of us were in any particular hurry.

We all stopped to poke around. From the first table we spotted, I picked up a pair of tie-dye flower shaped plastic sunglasses, and put them on. I liked them, because they couldn't be more opposite of how I was feeling.

I was surprised when Josh suddenly walked away, but he was only moving for the crowd outside. I figured out that he'd just spotted someone he knew as I watched him greeting another boy, so I went back to looking at the key chains and pendants lining the rack in front of me.

I liked the turtle ones, but the tie-dye flower ones matched my sunglasses.

I glanced back when I knew Josh was coming back. I wasn't surprised when he had the new boy following him so I turned around. As did Andrew. Closer, I could see this boy was about Josh's age. Maybe a little older, but his dirty blonde hair set him apart from the rest of us. He smiled as he approached, and he seemed perfectly friendly. Seemed. I kept my sunglasses on in case I needed to glare at him.

"Guys, this is Matt." Josh gestured to him, and I recognized that name. The same guy he was looking for the other day.

"I wondered if I'd run into you here." Matt grinned, greeting Zack first. "When did you get here?"

"The other day." Josh replied. "We've been around."

"Cool. That's where I'd be." He laughed, but he looked to me next. Other than a brief glance, he completely skipped Andrew. "Who's this?"

"Leandra." I said before Josh could, and Matt smiled.

"Very nice to meet you." He held his hand out, and I took it lightly. I watched as Andrew introduced himself, and Matt was perfectly polite to him too, but I still watched closely.

I wasn't sure what kind of vibe I was getting from him, which told me to be wary. I'd come across many people that gave me that feeling before, usually acquaintances of Josh's friends, so it was nothing new to me. I was fairly sure I was capable of taking care of myself if it came down to it, as that was where I put a lot of my work in, but I doubted it would. Josh wasn't exactly known for hanging out with assholes.

"How long are you here for?" Matt asked, looking to Josh again. "You guys wanna go hang out?"

"Maybe later." Josh laughed a little. "We have to get back soon." I frowned a little, looking over at him. He was making excuses? We had the entire day ahead of us.

"Damn." Matt chuckled. "Well, if you get a chance, you should swing by Lisa's place. I'm sure she'd love to meet your girlfriend."

He smiled at me, and I forced one in return. I didn't feel like telling him that I wasn't Josh's girlfriend, so I'd let him believe whatever he wanted to believe. Josh laughed again.

"Already saw her." Zack replied first. "She said you guys broke up."

"Yeah.." Matt sighed, drawing out the word. "She had her reasons." He laughed a little, and I shook my head. He shook that off, though, continuing. "We'll all be at the spot tonight if you're free. Noah's gonna be there. It's been forever."

"Yeah, maybe we'll see you guys there." Josh nodded. "I'll text you."

I nudged Andrew, and he got the hint. I moved to turn away, to continue looking around.

"It was nice meeting you guys." Matt called after us, and I waved with another forced smile, but that was about it. I wasn't that comfortable.

Andrew followed me, glancing over at me as I crossed my arms.

"You don't like him either." He murmured quietly. We neared the back of the little shop, pretending to look again at all the "handmade" jewelry hanging up. The sunlight streaming in through the large windows made all the different glass pendants shine beautifully.

"I don't really know." I admitted quietly, looking over at him. "You know me."

"I do know you." He replied. "You're pretty good at being able to tell, so be careful around that guy."

"I'm probably just being paranoid." I shook my head. "Besides. He's the one that should be careful around me." Andrew smirked.

"Your brothers saw to that." He recalled, and I smiled this time. I'd definitely learned a lot from them. Between Emmett and Jasper, I was only too happy to take some notes. They never even asked me why I needed to know that stuff.

"I could definitely fuck someone up if I had to."

Reaching up, I lifted the one necklace I liked. Glancing around, I spotted the clerk talking to a family, so I pinched the tag off and pocketed the necklace, much to Andrew's disapproval. Shaking his head, he pulled his wallet out.

"What am I going to do with you?" He asked with a sigh.

"Don't even worry about it." I replied. "It's $3."

"And this.." He reached up, gripping the tiny tag hanging off the sunglasses. He tore it off, which pulled them off center. "Is five."

"I like them." I excused, pushing them back into place.

"Guys, come on." Josh called. We must have been moving on. I looked back to see Matt leaving the shop, so I wandered back over.

"You didn't want to hang out with him?" I asked, and he laughed.

"It's a little early in the day for his version of 'hanging out'." Josh replied. "Think Lucas, but worse." I winced. With Lucas, there was no bad time to get drunk. Lucas did a lot of stupid stuff, so hanging out with him was always a risk.

"I knew it." I nodded, and he laughed.

"Of course you did." He threw his arm around my shoulders and cuddled me briefly. I smiled and laughed a little at his kiss on my ear. I looked at him and kissed him. Telling him without telling him to leave my ears alone.

On our way out, I looked back as Andrew handed the clerk a $10 bill, and two price tags. I shook my head. He was too honest sometimes.

That reminded me, though. We stopped and waited for Andrew to show up, so I pulled the necklace out of my pocket.

"Leandra." Zack scolded with a laugh, but I gave him a look. Josh took the necklace from me and stepped around behind me to put it on.

Andrew stepped outside looking at it in place.

"You're too nice sometimes." I told him with a laugh, and he shook his head again.

"Just honest." He replied. "One of us has to be. You don't know what that eight dollars meant to that lady."

"And that's why we love you." I hugged his side next. That was my way of avoiding blame. He sighed and returned it. He was always so warm.

We moved on. We stopped for lunch at a little sandwich place, and I had to admit, it was a good choice. We laughed and mostly just chatted about the last few days. I took notice of exactly how lucky I was to be able to spend this time with them.

After lunch, we spent some time on the boardwalk, just people watching and getting too warm in the sun. There was an amusement park somewhere close by, but I didn't feel like going there. Huge crowds still made me uncomfortable, and nobody else seemed like they were up for it either.

We got back to the house by dinner time, just in time for Heather to be getting back as well. The sun was just starting to go down, making everything glow in the late afternoon light. Ultimately, it had been a good day, but I still felt restless.

We were drinking some water when Heather walked into the kitchen and handed Josh the keys to her car.

"Do me a huge favor. Please get the sodas out of the back." She requested tiredly.

Josh nodded. He'd done this many times for his mom before, as he was learning the car, and was pretty good at it. Naturally, we all followed him out into the garage. The door was still open, and I looked outside at all that freedom. Getting something from the car usually wasn't that big of an occasion, but usually, I wasn't as deeply into trouble mode.

I grinned as soon as the door was closed, stopping Josh from walking briefly. I caught his attention, and I knew he read my expression instantly.

"Oh no." He laughed, shaking his head.

"Come _on_." I immediately pressed.

"What?" Andrew asked, looking between us.

"Come on." I pressed again, nabbing the keys from his hand and walking right for the car sitting there.

"Leandra." Josh was still laughing, following me. Zack was eager, and Andrew could only follow. Josh snatched the keys from me right outside the car, but he didn't pause a second. I knew he was going to do it, so I grinned and quickly rounded the car to the passenger side as Zack dove into the back seat. Andrew followed him, still in the dark.

Once all the doors were closed and the car was started, Josh spoke up before Andrew could fully finish protesting.

"Seat belts."

When the car left the garage, I laughed. He went faster than I was sure was recommended down the street, but he didn't turn to keep to the 'around the block' excuse. He kept going, straight toward the main street.

So I got to work on finding the music.

I knew Andrew was asking many questions, but Josh and I were too busy laughing. Zack hopped up, and pressed the button to open the sunroof, so it was my idea to lean across Josh's lap and open all the windows.

I wasn't at all surprised when my phone rang in my pocket maybe a minute into our drive. At the vibration, I reached down and pulled it out of my pocket. Of course it was Heather. I ignored it as Josh made the turn onto the main street, joining other cars.

"Zack." I turned in my seat, catching his very amused attention over the sound of the radio. I held out my phone right as Heather called again.

"Shit." He laughed, reaching out and taking the phone. I grinned as he actually answered it.

"Hello?" He asked loudly. I swore I could hear her yelling from my seat. He actually hung up, but moments later held my phone up. Given how he held it, I knew it was a video call. I also knew the exact moment she answered.

"Sorry, mom." Zack laughed.

"Oh, you will be if there's a single scratch on that car." Was her loud response. I reached out and took my phone. Kneeling up, I raised myself and the phone out of the sunroof.

Holding up my phone I could barely see the screen in the sunlight between the buildings.

"Oh, good Lord!" Heather wasn't happy.

"Look, mom!" Zack called. "We're breaking the rules!"

"You four get your asses home now!" Heather replied, and her anger was bordering on scary. She was livid.

"Can't right now." I called back over the sound of the wind around me. "ASAP, though!"

I then hung up. Ducking back into the car, I dropped my phone into the cupholder between Josh and me and flopped back in my seat. The way I did that, laughter suddenly erupted between us, and it was honestly the best feeling ever.

"We should probably go back." Andrew laughed.

"No." I whined, looking back at him. "Why?"

"Because-"

"Pull over." I requested, nudging Josh. "Let me try."

"No." Andrew shook his head. Despite that, though, the car started to slow. He moved into the next lane, preparing to make a turn into a parking lot.

"I've driven before." I said dismissively. Which was a lie, but he didn't know that.

"Not in California." Andrew countered. "And Josh at least is getting his permit when he gets back."

"I have a permit." I said. "It's a real special permit for you to kiss my ass. Shut the fuck up. We'll be fine."

Shaking his head again, Andrew leaned back in the seat. The second we were stopped, I started over to the driver's seat. Josh quickly climbed out, and rounded the front to the passenger seat before I was even fully seated.

I needed to scoot the seat up as far as it would go, but other than that, I was pretty comfortable here. I was careful, and got us moving again. Even Andrew had no reason to bitch.

I remembered the route we'd taken pretty well, so after only a few more minutes, I made a turn into a parking lot, to go back the other way. There were no U-Turns allowed here, which I noted, and followed that rule. I hated it, but something was telling me not to test it. I learned to trust that instinct long ago.

The music was loud, the evening was warm. I didn't run anyone over, and it was a pretty good experience. We arrived back at the house in one piece, and the car was perfectly fine. We all piled out right as the door flew open.

"Tell me I didn't just see her in the driver's seat." Heather gasped angrily.

"Relax, mom." Josh laughed a little. "She's a pretty good driver. I taught her myself."

I stepped back with a satisfied smile as she circled the car, checking up and down for damage.

"Might need to scoot the seat back." I informed her. "But it's perfectly fine." She turned to look at me, but my smile turned innocent. Especially as Josh arrived at my side.

"Don't you ever do that again." She was mad, but she was also relieved. "You guys could have gotten yourselves killed."

"We're okay." Andrew actually spoke up. "She's really good." I offered him a grateful smile.

"Get inside." She snapped, pointing at the house. We hadn't been gone more than thirty minutes, but in that time, she'd informed everyone. As soon as we were through the door, Mark smacked Josh upside the head, but given how Josh's laughter never stopped, I knew it wasn't that hard. He just ducked away.

I looked up as Andrew carefully took my arm. "Can we talk?"

How could I turn him down? Josh and Zack were both already in the kitchen, put to work carrying plates outside onto the patio table, so I nodded.

I followed him off to the side, into the living room area.

"What's going on with you?" He asked quietly. Not wasting any time. I started to roll my eyes and turn away, but he caught my arm again. "Leandra, I mean it. Lord knows you don't have the best past, and I know you're still hurting, but come on. What are you doing?"

"What is everyone's problem?" I asked in return.

"You just stole a car." He pressed.

"No we didn't." I argued. "We borrowed it."

"I bite my tongue every second I'm around you." He murmured. "You're reckless and impulsive. You do these things like they have no consequences, or like you think you're invincible. I want to help you, but you-"

"I don't need anyone to _help_ me." I snapped lightly. "You just-"

"Remember when we were kids?" He asked, and I shut up. "How close we always were? I still care about you like that."

"I know." I grumbled, looking down. I had a soft spot. I nodded a little. "I know you do. You shouldn't, but.. You do."

"I know we're not as close as we used to be, but we can change that." He said. "I know it's still weird with your mom and my dad together, but I'm here. Believe it or not, I don't want to see you get hurt. Nobody else will say it, but we all see you."

I wanted to reassure him, but he wasn't stupid. It was a little scary how well he still knew me, despite not being as close before. It was more like he sensed these things in me in a way Josh couldn't.

"Don't worry about me so much, Andrew." I replied, shaking my head a little. "I know what I'm doing. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"I know you can, but you need to stop putting yourself into positions where you need to." He countered, studying my expression. Probably for signs that he was getting through to me.

"What fun is that?" I asked instead.

He wanted to argue, I could see it in his eyes. My response hurt him, but he couldn't keep pressing without risking pushing my temper.

"Stop running." He nearly whispered his quiet plea. "All this stuff, Leandra, you don't need it." His tone shook me just enough to allow his hug. He wrapped his arms around me, and I couldn't help returning it. He left it at that, holding onto me, and I couldn't help noticing how solid he was. When we were younger, he was squishy. Now, he was firm. It was something I hadn't noticed before, but it'd been there awhile.

"Dinner." Josh's voice behind me had me jump a little and turn. Ending the hug before I wanted to. I could tell he was slightly bothered by how he'd just found us. I sensed a bit of jealousy, and I knew exactly what his problem was. I couldn't ask him about it right then, though.

We ate dinner out on the patio, as that had more room. I had to admit. It took some getting used to at first, but seeing my mom so happy was something I never got tired of.

She and Richard got along great, like they'd known each other their whole lives, and I actually hoped it stayed that way. Watching them together made me happy for them, just as much as it made me happy to see Mark and Heather together. I was actually glad I didn't write her off completely. She wore happy beautifully, and I really couldn't help being jealous.

If she knew what I still went through, it wouldn't be the same for her, but I never told her. If I told her that, then she'd be less happy, which would make me less happy. Why ruin that? For absolutely no reason? Her misery would only make me more miserable, unlike what I used to think.

I couldn't be happy for myself, but I could be happy for everyone else.

We were all still outside passed sunset, well into the night, not even noticing the time passing. It was a lighthearted night, and the boys and I decided to go for another swim. I kept my upper half out of the water, though. My uncovered tattoo thanked me.

Wearing a light t-shirt around the adults certainly helped keep it hidden, but it was still getting plenty of breathing time. The only issue was, the itching was starting to sink in big time. I'd washed it carefully before dinner, though, so that helped.

We stayed close to the beach, so there was no reason for anyone to really worry. I heard the laughter back at the house, and knew the adults were having a good time as well. That gave me the feeling that everything was okay.

"Hey." I jumped a little as Josh approached from behind me, and I laughed. "What are you thinking about?" He seemed to have gotten over whatever was bothering him before. I was glad. Jealousy didn't look that good on him.

"Nothing." I replied honestly, turning around to face him. "You?"

"Nothing." He repeated with a small smile.

"So you're not jealous?" I asked, giving him a knowing look and he laughed.

"No." He replied. "I started to be, I guess, but I really thought about it. You guys have known each other longer than I've known you. You're gonna hug." I laughed as well, nodding a little.

He knew me better than that. I closed my eyes briefly, sighing a little.

"I don't want tonight to end."

He smiled. "It doesn't have to."

I immediately smiled in return, briefly glancing passed him at the busy patio.

"Oh?"

"As soon as everyone's asleep, we're going somewhere." He informed me, and I nodded. That sounded fun.

"Why are we whispering?" Zack had grown suspicious, coming over. He and Andrew were both soaked from head to toe, and probably freezing cold.

"Because we don't want anyone else to hear what we're talking about." I replied simply. He gave me a look at my smart-ass remark, and posed like he was going to splash me. I quickly held up a hand. "No splashing. I'm wounded." My tattoo.

He turned and splashed Andrew instead, much to Andrew's surprise.

"Get yourselves to bed at a decent time tonight, guys." We all looked back at Mark's call. It was time for them to turn in.

"We will." Josh called back, and I smiled. It couldn't have been more perfect.

We headed in to get changed about an hour after them, and just like I thought would happen, both Andrew and Zack were snoring in minutes. I rolled over to look at Josh, and he turned his head to look at me.

He and I weren't strangers to sneaking out after Mark and Heather had gone to bed, so we knew the routine. I threw on a light pair of jean shorts in the dark and grabbed my shoes on the way out the door. Josh close behind me.

"Be back before dawn, and don't die." Zack whispered sleepily before the door was even closed. I froze along with Josh. Neither of us had expected him to be woken up, but we both just laughed it off under our breath and closed the door.

We were out the back door without a hitch, and I had to let Josh lead the way. I didn't know where he was leading me.

I was rather surprised when he stuck to the beach. Walking along the sand like he knew right where he was going. I just carried my shoes along with me now that I knew that.

We walked for several minutes, and I was just beginning to feel creeped out. I wasn't the biggest fan of being out in the open at night, and the quiet rush of the ocean just to our left as we walked only added to that feeling of edginess. I wasn't sure why.

I could feel myself watched, but I already knew to expect that. We rounded the bend in the beach, passed a bit of rock which made almost a corner, and I immediately saw what Josh was talking about.

A little ways up ahead, on a more private piece of the beach, was a huge bonfire burning. From here, I could just make out the shapes of people around it, and their voices. So many people. I held tighter to his hand the closer we got to it.

Part of me hated meeting new people.

Something took my attention off to the side, and I looked to my right. Off to the darkest part of the beach, I spotted the shape of someone standing there. It was barely a shadow, but I knew immediately who that was. I glared, but I decided quickly not to say anything. Mikah was aware of our little activity, and knowing he was watching us only made me more determined to prove that I knew what I was doing.

If he thought he could control me just by creepily showing up randomly, he was sadly mistaken. I held Josh's hand tighter, hurrying my steps along.

It was clear that Mikah didn't want to risk coming too close. It would only raise too many questions with Josh, and there were a lot of humans around this fire. Coming too close could risk all of them, me, and himself.

Part of me had a doubt, though. I should go back. I should insist we both go back, but I still refused to listen. What fun would going back be? Why would I ruin my own night that way? That'd be stupid.

We approached the bright bonfire, and the sheer amount of people here at this time surprised me. I counted roughly twenty-five or thirty people, just from where I stood. Someone somewhere had music playing, and I wasn't too unfamiliar with the atmosphere. I'd been to a few parties in my time, and at least there was good music.

"Hey!" I wasn't surprised to see Matt jogging over the sand to greet us. "You guys made it!"

"Finally." Josh laughed in reply.

Matt turned a little, waving over some more people.

"Drinks are over there." He pointed to a row of ice chests off to the side. "More is coming as soon as Noah gets here." I eyed these three approaching guys, just to get a look. They seemed nice enough.

I was definitely not the only girl here, but I did look like the youngest. I looked around, mapping the area. Something I did to make myself feel better. It was a fairly large area, surrounded on three sides by rocks, open ahead to the ocean.

There were blankets laid out along the rocky 'walls', beach chairs here and there but hardly anyone sat.

I found the smoking group easily, across the fire from us. Their laughter seemed far more genuine than anyone else's, and I wondered how open to strangers they were. Chances were they wouldn't mind sharing the wealth, so to speak, but I didn't have any on me to share in return, so that might be a problem.

I didn't get too bad of a vibe from this group. It seemed like any other group, except I didn't know anyone here besides Josh. I just felt like I was a little out of my element. I knew one good cure for that.

"Want anything?" I asked Josh, nudging him and he shrugged.

"Whatever you get." He replied, and I nodded.

I turned, deciding to give him some time with his old friends. I crossed the sand toward the ice chest, still quite irritated by seeing Mikah tailing us. What gave him the right to do that? Yeah, he was doing his job, but it still bugged me. Shaking my head, I reached for two beers. I was half tempted to sneak away to go tell him to fuck off, but doing that would make it only too easy for him to make me go back, and I wasn't about to hand myself over to my babysitter.

Though I did get a few glances between the ice chest and getting back to Josh, it wasn't anything that would put me on edge. I handed Josh his, which he took with a grateful smile. I was eased by that, because he was so calm.

Using the bottom of my shirt, I opened my bottle and took a sip, looking around at all the random groups talking to each other, and a particularly rowdy group closer to the water. It was clear by that group's behavior that they'd been at this awhile.

I found a lone rock to sit down on. I decided to people watch, and I would go from there. I lit a cigarette and continued to sip my beer. I wasn't really in a rush.

Josh seemed quite distracted pretty much from the get-go, talking to this person or that person. I didn't want to drag him down. I let him have that time, so I was a little surprised when Matt gravitated more toward me.

It just seemed like he was going out of his way to include me. Not that I minded. Maybe I'd be less wary of this guy if I got more of a feel for his personality. I kept an open mind.

There was just something about him. I wanted to like him, and I had to admit. It was nice to not have to be the loner hovering in the background. He made sure of it. He made me blend in.

We chatted about this and that, and I found myself unwinding. I loosened up about half-way through my second beer, and it didn't seem weird that I was being handed a third when I still had some of my second. It was just handed to me in passing. Someone had gone to get more, and brought some for both me and Josh.

Not wanting to have to worry about holding onto two, I hurried and finished my second. That was probably where it started to go downhill. The music got louder, making us have to get closer to talk.

I wasn't quite sure when our group seemed to split. Somehow moving apart, and I found myself talking more to Matt than paying attention to what Josh was saying to two more guys. I vaguely noticed it, though, and I could feel myself getting a little spooked. I didn't like that, and I returned to Josh's side.

"Hey." Matt nudged me before I could get too comfortable there, casually gesturing over to the side. "Do you smoke?"

Those were my words.

"Do you?" I asked with a small laugh.

"Every chance I get." He replied, laughing as well. "Come on." I did pause for a moment, but his smile was easy.

I turned and nudged Josh, actually having to wait for his attention.

"We're going over there." I told him. "Come with me." It wasn't an option. I wasn't stupid enough to leave his side. His friends didn't seem to mind in the least, though, so we stuck together. I was a little unsteady, but I knew I'd be fine when I could stay in one spot.

Matt greeted an older guy, a stranger warmly, who I discovered to be Noah. Our introduction was a very light-hearted one. He was taller, probably just on the wrong side of eighteen, but again, I was used to that. I didn't think twice about accepting the biggest joint I'd ever seen with a smile from him.

"Ladies first."

It was really only then that I realized that in this particular group, I was the only female. I told probably the smartest part of my mind to shut up by taking the liberty of lighting it.

I took my fill, holding it in and gave him a thankful nod as I handed it back to him. He smiled and returned that nod, taking his own draw. I released my breath and the smoke after a few seconds as it hit me hard. That told me that I needed to be careful with this stuff, and I did try.

After a few turns, I passed a few, waiting for it to really catch up to me. Sometimes it had a way of sneaking up. I was experienced enough to know my limit. The first time I met that limit, it was a little scary, but I was fine after I slept. That was the best part of this stuff.

I flirted with that scary limit the whole time I spent standing there.

Conversation stayed light and okay, but the smoke was getting thicker. We chatted about the differences between home and here, and how much I missed it despite wanting to stay here. It was a very complicated feeling.

They asked about my family, and I asked about theirs. I was handed a fourth beer at that point, and since they drank too, I didn't find it that weird. The topic moved onto music preferences, but by then, I was really starting to feel sick.

Now and then, I found myself looking over to make sure Josh was still there, but the length of time between glances was getting longer. I was getting distracted.

I was literally just starting to formulate an excuse to leave when Josh leaned down.

"I'll be right back." He assured me, and though I gave him a look, I didn't do anything more than nod. I watched after him for a few seconds as he walked away with the two he was talking to. It was my turn again to take a hit, so I focused on that instead.

It wasn't hard to get back to feeling okay, though.

It became quickly apparent that these people were far more experienced at smoking this stuff than I was, because I just couldn't keep up with them. I had to back out when one particular hit sent my lungs into a rough coughing fit.

"Breathe, homie." Noah laughed. A laugh between the three of us made me feel a little less embarrassed about it. I might have been laughing, but something was wrong.

Now, that wasn't to say that coughing was my only indication I was done. Between finishing half of my fifth beer of the night, and smoking nearly too much, my mind didn't feel like mine anymore. That was usually the goal, but I didn't feel okay feeling like this without Josh around.

I took a slow, careful step back and turned. Looking around as steadily as I could, which wasn't very steady at all. Everything seemed foggy, less sharp and defined, which was also usually the goal, but it made my task of finding Josh a hell of a lot harder. People all looked the same.

Where the fuck was he? It felt like hours since I'd seen him last, and again, the thought of going back crossed my mind. We had a horrendously long way to stumble, and I wanted to go to sleep.

"Come sit for a second." I jumped a little at Matt's voice right next to me, looking over.

"Where's Josh?" I frowned. It didn't even dawn on me that he wouldn't know.

"He's a little busy." Matt nodded. "He told me to watch out for you."

Oh, so maybe he would know.

That was nice of him, so I smiled a little and nodded. I allowed Matt to turn me around gently by my upper arms, and nearly walk me himself off to the side. He found me a rather comfortable beach chair to sit in, and I had to admit that it was nice to sit down.

I sat there, somehow with another drink in my hand. It wasn't a beer, but a plastic cup.

At first taste, it was grape soda. Second taste, there was definitely some alcohol in it, but cotton-mouth was a damned bitch. The only relief I found was by drinking more, because as soon as I stopped, my mouth was dry again. My hair was moved away from my shoulder and neck, and the sudden cold against my skin made me uncomfortable. Though I looked behind me to spot Matt, I just went back to looking for Josh. We needed to get back.

Matt had said he was busy. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what that meant. I was thirsty again. I raised up for another drink from the cup in my hand, and definitely felt fingertips on my neck as I nearly finished it. They bugged, but not enough to say anything, and I got used to it.

What was Josh doing?

Across the fire, the best I could see, I saw him over by the rocks on the far side of the cove. He was just standing there, talking to two-ish more people. Was it two? Or four? He was miles away. Was it even him? What had he been wearing when we left the house? I tried to remember.

Something was wrong. Just with the sharp taste it left behind, this drink was a lot stronger than the beer I'd been drinking all night. There was supposed to be a reason this was bad.

I looked down at my cup, as if I could visibly see some explanation in the dark liquid. The fingertips had turned to hands, obviously massaging my neck now. Straying out now to my shoulders too. I was okay with that, because it felt nice, but that itself raised a field of red flags all at once. I scraped together enough instinct to react.

I leaned forward, away from his hands.

"Stop." I mumbled, looking back at him, and he smiled.

"Sorry." He replied, but part of me didn't believe him. He wasn't sorry. I looked forward again, despite that knowledge, and the fact that Matt didn't move from behind me told me to expect him to go right back to whatever he was doing.

I finished the drink and set the cup down in the sand beside my chair. I was definitely done. It was definitely time to go back. Matt was definitely massaging my shoulders again. I reached for my cigarettes, but they were stuck in my pocket. Where was my phone?

I located my phone first, and checked the time. Almost one in the morning.

I flinched away from his hands again when they started to bug, and he chuckled. I remembered I wanted a cigarette, but why was I holding my phone? I already forgot what I was doing, so I just kind of sat there. My entire body felt tense, but the massaging felt nice.

When that raised those same red flags, I lurched forward this time, away from his hands, and as dizzy as I was on my feet, I rounded to face him. Everything in me wanted to fall over, but I knew I needed to stay on my feet.

"I told you to stop, motherfucker." I reminded him. He smiled, probably at how weak my voice was, and his amusement pissed me off.

"Come on." He chuckled, and I narrowed my eyes. I turned around, intending to search again for Josh. Something was very wrong, especially when the turning motion turned me too far, and I nearly landed on my face.

I landed partly on my head, partly on my wrist hard enough to send pain straight up my arm, dazing me with it.

I was easily helped back up to my feet, but Matt's arms were literally holding me up. I looked up at Matt as he held me steady. He gently brushed the sand off of my face for me.

He leaned down and kissed me, and through the chill of panic, I felt pressure at the front of my shorts. Everything was happening way too quick. Or at least it felt that way.

I found my footing again. I leaned back, but I suddenly felt the wall behind me. He'd literally backed me against the wall without me even noticing. More troubling, we were somehow further from everyone else. When had that happened?

I felt as good as dead weight, but I wasn't about to stand there. I reached up and shoved him back as hard as I could, breaking his hold on me.

The shoving motion, though, sent me forward too. I gasped for breath as I hit the sand, just my knees and forearms keeping me up out of the sand enough to do so. Nothing was okay, and I was having trouble focusing. What the hell was wrong with me? I tried to stand up to at least get further away, but my legs refused to support me.

I sensed him approaching me more than I saw it, and in response, I attempted to crawl. I knew before I even moved that it wouldn't be fast enough.

I tried one more time to stand, and got the same result, but this time, I was caught before I could hit the sand again. Arms caught me, and through left over panic, I immediately clutched onto whoever it was. Tears of panic welling in my eyes, I looked up in my awkward position at whoever had caught me.

It took me a second to recognize him, but once I did, I was completely stunned into mental silence at spotting Mikah holding me up. The look on his face, illuminated eerily by the fire behind us, was both terrifying and fascinating. His expression was completely calm, but his stare was as solid stone as his set jaw was. That stare was right on Matt.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Matt laughed, but he really was the only one laughing.

Mikah didn't blink once, or look away from Matt as he gently let me down. Sitting me on the sand carefully before he stepped around me. I immediately laid down, though. Sitting up was too hard.

"You chose the wrong girl." Mikah's voice was equally as calm as his expression, but just underneath, I heard pure chaos. "If you so much as look at her again, I will break every single bone in your pathetic little body, and toss you head first into that ocean over there, with just enough blood leaking from you to attract every shark in a five mile radius. Do you understand?"

Matt didn't reply, but he sure seemed nervous. He glanced at me.

"Was I not clear enough?" Mikah asked a little more firmly, stepping to the side to block his view of me. "Maybe a demonstration would be a little clearer.."

I trembled tensely where I laid, my stomach and mind rolling with every chill across my body, and I watched as Matt obviously decided to take him seriously. Raising his hands, turning without a word, and walking away.

Without waiting, Mikah turned back toward me, and I watched him crouch beside me. I could read the concern in his expression clear as day, but I was still too numb to react or even notice.

"Dammit, Leandra." He sighed quietly. "Look at you." I looked over at him through tearing eyes, and his expression softened. "Come on." He sighed and reached over and gripped my arm lightly to try to pull me to sit up, but I whimpered. My wrist sent pain through me, and he immediately stopped, cupped my hand in his to inspect it.

His hands were so careful, my hand could have been resting on a pillow.

He looked up at me. "Did he hurt you?"

I didn't know how to answer him. I was mostly just focusing on not throwing up.

"You shouldn't be here." I recalled quietly. My voice didn't sound like mine, but I knew my foggy mind had everything to do with that.

"I'm fine." He replied dismissively. "Did he hurt you?"

"No." I mumbled, looking down. "I-I.." I had to stop talking. My stomach was in knots, and holding my breath didn't help that.

He seemed to understand. Reaching over again, he quickly sat me up, wrapped his arm under mine and hauled me to my feet. That just made it worse, though, and with no warning, unconsciousness covered my mind.

The very next thing I knew, I was regaining consciousness on my hands and knees, throwing up all over the solid surface beneath me. One unsteady glance told me I was back on the back patio of the house, but that didn't really mean much.

Three loud knocks on the back door had me jump, dizzily turning my head to look up at Mikah standing there. After several silent seconds, he gave three more knocks before he must have heard the proper response inside. He turned, crouched again and looked at me. I couldn't hold his gaze very long, but I couldn't help unsteadily admiring how beautiful his eyes were. Even shadowy crimson had its beauty.

He spoke softly and slowly, as if knowing I'd have trouble comprehending anything faster.

"I hope this is enough, princess. I really do."

I just stared, watching as he reached out and gently cupped the side of my head. I felt more caring in that one gesture than I ever had from him before, but he was gone a second before the back porch light turned on. The door sliding open was loud, but I just threw up again. It was very uncomfortable, but it was also relieving.

"Leandra?" I couldn't be surprised at my mom crouching beside me. She bent low to try to look at me, and she must have figured it out. "Oh, honey. No. Oh no.."

She sounded so sad, but her comforting hand on my back felt nice while I fought to catch my breath. For the first time, her hand brought me comfort. She gently gathered my hair for me, holding it lightly at my neck.

"What is it?" Richard arrived in the doorway as well, but I couldn't look up at him.

"Something's wrong." My mom replied fearfully. "Help me get her inside." I was too big for her to carry, but Richard had no problem lifting me up. Somewhere between the back patio and the doorway, I passed out again.

I heard my name, but it was heavy and muted. Like it was coming from the other side of a brick wall.

The very next thing I knew, I was completely soaked in ice cold water. It forced me awake with a very loud curse word and cleared my head enough for me to gather that I was in the shower while I gasped deeply. My entire body tensing painfully all at once. The bright light of the room echoed through my aching head, and for a second, I couldn't even open my eyes.

I hated this feeling so much, and I struggled to sit up, but I had no strength, so I just wound up rolling a little.

Suddenly over me, Heather was holding my face between her hands, looking right in my eyes when I looked up. The fear on her face cleared my head a little more. She was freaking out.

"Where is Josh?" She asked firmly. "What is going on?" I couldn't remember how to speak just yet, despite my whimpering efforts.

"Where did you two go?" She asked, and it took me a minute. "Leandra?"

The longer I sat there, the worse I needed to throw up.

"Where?" Her voice had hardened so I thought harder.

"Up the beach, I think." I muttered, defensive. "F-Follow the beach." I felt her turn by the return of the spray in my face. I flinched again and huffed against the water. Footsteps pounded quickly away.

"Leandra." My mom was disappointed now. I couldn't concentrate on that, though. I'd inhaled some water. I threw myself forward, reaching up and wiping the water from my face, choking a little. Heather returned, leaning passed me to reach the faucet.

As soon as the water turned off, I was wrapped in a very plush towel, but I continued to shiver violently. I was still feeling it. I needed so badly to sleep, but I was being lifted to my feet, and helped out of the tub.

"I'm sorry I had to do that." Heather was the one helping me up, and I tried to say it was okay, but I was a little incoherent. She sighed heavily. "Dammit, girl. What did you do?"

"I don't know." I replied unsteadily, and at the moment, those words scared me, because right then, it was true. I had no clue. It was like the entire night so far was a blank slate. How did I get here?

"Guys, go get me some water, and start a pot of coffee. It's going to be a long night." One glance told me she was talking to both Andrew and Zack. The sadness and shame in their eyes looking at me only made my nausea worse.

If I looked half as bad as I felt, I didn't want them to see me like this. I lowered my head, hiding my face in the towel, not even realizing that they'd obviously already seen me quite clearly. Heather rubbed my arms comfortingly, despite holding me upright all on her own.

"Go. Both of you." She said to them, which I was thankful for. Seconds later, I was lunging for the toilet. I landed beside it, and I didn't even have the strength to hold myself up. I laid across it, the rim of it supporting my weight for me. I heard her sigh and kneel beside me. She held my hair just like my mom did and comforted me, her hand smoothing over my back.

"What did you have?" She asked me. "Did you take anything?" It wasn't like I could answer her, though. Somewhere, I knew I should have cared that she was this worried, because she was a nurse, but I was far too miserable to give a shit.

I still shivered uncomfortably, still soaking wet under the towel.

**A/N: Uh oh. Bad Leandra! I know, not the best place to leave it.  
****I still don't condone her actions. Let's be clear about that, and let's all just hope she finally learned. :|****  
THANK YOU, my reviewer of last chapter! :) You're AWESOMELY AWESOME!  
Chapter Five should be along shortly. I don't want to keep you guys hanging too long, so I'll do my best to get it out as soon as I can.  
Until then, my friends! (:**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Taking a break from throwing up, I leaned back and laid my head against the edge of the cabinet beside me, breathing slowly and cautiously. The whole time I kneeled there, sicker than I had ever been, Mikah's words echoed through my head.

Was this enough? Was this feeling worth it? Was feeling ashamed, finally feeling the sharp rocks of guilt at the bottom enough to make me stop all of this?

"Baby, what happened?" My mom was to my other side. "Did you take anything?"

She reached up and smoothed my hair away from my eyes, but my eyes closed. I just focused on my breathing, so she wrapped her arms around me. Why did they keep asking me if I had taken anything? Was I really that bad off?

I shook my head, but I doubted I was that convincing. Especially as I nearly fell over at the motion. The dizziness didn't slow down, though, before I heard someone just in the other room. It was Andrew's quiet voice. He was speaking.

"I don't know, Mr. Cullen." He was clearly watching us. "She's just.. She's a mess. All I know, is she showed up here, without Josh and drunker than I've ever seen her get. Gina and Heather are trying to get her to talk now." He paused, probably listening to a response.

"Yeah." Andrew replied. "My dad and Mark are out looking for Josh. We don't even know where they went this time, but this isn't anything new. It's just weird that they didn't come back together. He usually stays right with her-" He cut off for a moment.

"Leandra." My mom was bugging me again. Gently making me look up at her. "Focus, baby. What happened?"

I was holding my breath. I didn't really want to tell her to shut up, but I needed her to shut the hell up, because her voice was turning my stomach. To tell her that, I held up a trembling finger.

Andrew sighed. "I really don't think she's up to talking right now-"

As if to prove his point, I abruptly returned to the task of throwing up. Choking on the burn in my throat. I shook with weakness, but I couldn't stop, and the taste just made it worse. The air hitting me was making it worse. Existing was making it worse, but it came in waves. All of me ached. I felt so indescribably bad, I literally couldn't focus on much else.

"Get that out." My mom encouraged me with a quiet sigh, smoothing my back, which helped a little. "Zack, sweetie, can you get me a hair tie?"

"Yeah." Was his mumbled reply. Seconds later, I felt his quick footsteps stop beside me, and a few seconds after that, my hair was gathered back. The weakness was physically painful, and I felt like just turning my head was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

To my other side, Heather had stood up.

"Carlisle." Heather sounded further away, into the phone she must have taken from Andrew. I wasn't sure, I wasn't looking at her. "Don't worry. She's with us now. She's safe. I'll monitor her throughout the night, and I'll be sure to keep you fully updated. Do you need directions?" She paused, listening. "Okay. No problem."

My panic suddenly kicked in, and it finally dawned on me that she was talking to Carlisle.

"I'm fine." I sniffled loudly toward the phone. I barely managed to get those words out, much less in a voice that sounded like mine.

My mom continued to rub my back, though, and my shoulder hurt from how heavily I leaned against the edge of the cabinet beside me. In my position, I knew my thin shirt was doing very little to hide the newest addition to the skin of my upper chest.

"Yeah." Heather spoke a little more bitterly. "You wouldn't believe my disappointment."

I prayed they wouldn't try to make me talk to him, but that went immediately unheard. There was suddenly a phone at my ear, and my hand was brought up to hold it. I managed to, but my arm felt heavy and I rested it on the edge of cold porcelain in front of me.

I didn't know what to say, so I just whined in misery. My burning eyes closed.

"Leandra." Carlisle's voice was firm, and it broke through the fog better than anyone's voice here. "What happened?"

I focused on my tight breathing, unsure how to answer. Of course he didn't know. Instead of answering, I closed my eyes as the room continued to spin. Reaching up with my free hand and covering my face as I sat heavily on my heels. My arm was still too heavy to hold up, so I slouched to follow it as it fell to rest on my thigh.

"I'll be there soon." He told me, and I could tell that he didn't know whether he should be worried or mad at me. My heart broke.

Gently, my mom took the phone from me, and I let my hand join my other one in covering my face.

"We'll keep trying." My mom assured him. "When Josh gets here, I'm sure he'll have more answers."

Laying my head against the cabinet, I tuned her out. My mind needed to shut off for a second, and it chose now to do that without my permission.

"I need names." I jumped awake at Richard's voice loudly beside me. I groaned, reaching up and covering my face with my hands again. All I wanted to do was sleep. "Leandra."

I couldn't figure out what he was asking me.

"Who all was there?" My mom asked.

Turning, I tried to look behind me, but I quickly realized that that wouldn't work when my eyes were still closed, so I turned forward again. Hovering over the toilet was a pretty good idea, anyway.

"Who supplied the alcohol?"

"Probably Matt Clark." Zack's reply had me try to look back again dizzily. "Leandra, is Matt the one that did that to you?"

Did what?

Finally opening my eyes, I looked down, the towel open in the front, and I realized my shorts were undone, barely hanging on thanks to my kneeling position. I knew it was pretty concerning that I showed up like this, so I understood why they were so worried now. How'd that happen? When did that happen?

I nodded, mostly just wanting to shut them up for a minute. I didn't remember how to assure them. I didn't remember how to be convincing.

"Matt better hope I don't see him." Zack grumbled. I didn't know what to say to that, so I lowered my head to rest on my arm. I listened to the sound of Mark thoroughly scolding Josh elsewhere in the house. He was pissed, but I couldn't focus on any of his words. It was the weirdest feeling, but somewhere in me, I was relieved to know Josh was here.

I woke briefly to being caught when I fell over, but that was all I had in me.

"Leandra?" My mom tried to look at me again, and though I stirred a little to try to look at her, my eyes closed on the way. I was instantly out again.

"Yeah."

I was getting tired of being startled awake.

I opened my eyes next to find myself in Josh's bed, and I had no clue what time it was, but the stabbing pain in my head spoke directly to my stomach, and they were both very pissed off at the daylight completely filling the room.

I looked around briefly, as briefly as I could to find that I wasn't alone.

"She's fine." It was Mark in the doorway, and it sounded like he was talking to someone. "She's still safe, sleeping it off."

I pushed myself up to look back, instinct telling me to be a little more alert. I'd definitely had time to come around by then, and I knew whoever he was talking to was someone I didn't want knowing how completely useless I was last night, but I was still very unsure in my own skin.

"She lives." Mark commented. "Jesus, Leandra. It's almost dinner time."

I rolled and stumbled my way out of bed, catching myself on the dresser on my way to the door. The drawers rattled audibly.

"Who're you talking to?" I asked, already reaching for the phone. Mark sighed and handed it to me. I checked the name and groaned. Carlisle.

"I'm fine." I immediately said before I even fully had the phone up. "Whatever they said, they're lying." I didn't exactly like trying to toss Mark under the bus but it was better him than me. Mark gave me a look.

"We have a lot to discuss as soon as you get home." Carlisle replied calmly, but his tone was tense.

"Shit." I sighed, rubbing my face with my free hand. I knew I wasn't getting out of it. "But he was lying."

"Stop." Carlisle said, and I shut up. "I'm going to ask you something, and I want the truth." I waited, biting my lip. "What happened last night?"

"Nothing." I immediately replied. "Josh and I went out for like.. Half an hour, maybe.. I was a little tired when I got back. That's all."

"You were wasted, Leandra." Mark corrected me firmly. "I've never seen anyone that drunk in my life."

"No I wasn't." I gave him a look, and he gave me one in return.

"As I said, I want the truth." Carlisle repeated. "What happened?"

I groaned, turning away from Mark and the doorway. I didn't want to tell him. I stood in silence, nervously nibbling on my thumbnail as I tried to think fast. My mind, however, refused to cooperate.

"I'll be there in a few hours." Carlisle told me when I didn't start explaining. "In the meantime, I want you to get your things together."

"That's not fair!" I gasped, sitting on the bed. "Come on!"

"No, it isn't." He replied calmly. "I don't think it's fair that you've decided it's okay to behave this way."

"What way?" I snapped. "I was just tired!"

"Gather your things, Leandra." Carlisle repeated, his tone firmer. "You're coming home. End of discussion."

I growled in anger, ending the call. Tossing the phone on the pillow.

"I hope you're happy." I snapped at Mark still standing there. "You didn't need to call them."

"Yes we did." He replied. "You've been too wild for far too long, and last night was the final straw. You took it too far. I never want to see you like that again." He was scolding me?

"You probably won't ever see me again anyway!"

"Don't do that, Leandra." He shook his head. "You know as well as I do that I've let too much slide. This was long overdue. I'm sorry you're mad at me, but one day you'll thank me."

"Doubt it." I spat, turning away.

I knew for sure that this discussion with Carlisle would go downhill extremely quickly, but at least I had a few hours to come up with a story.

Still pissed, I ignored whatever Mark said in response and stood back up to go take a shower.

I had to admit, it felt nice to get clean after being covered in so much sand. It was everywhere. I did inspect myself, just to make sure truly nothing did happen, but from what I barely remembered of the night before, I knew Mikah wouldn't have let him get that far.

I couldn't help sighing in relief. I was very grateful that he decided to come and help my dumb ass. Without him, last night could have ended a lot worse than it did. I sincerely hoped that Mark and Richard laid into those two bastards. If I ever saw them again, I'd sock them myself.

I was awake now, but my head pounded in so much pain I could barely believe it. I'd had really horrible headaches in my life, and this was nothing compared to that, but it still sucked.

I swallowed a couple Tylenol on my way out of the bathroom, and I set to the task of looking for what to wear when Carlisle showed up to drag me home. Fuck it, I'd wear pajamas. I was pissed, and wasn't ready to be cooperative enough to really be dressed. I stuffed my clothes into my bag, along with toiletries and everything else I'd brought with me.

A knock at the door had me look back as Josh walked in slowly, and I looked over at him.

"What the hell did you do to yourself?" I asked, frowning at the obvious black eye he had. I didn't recall seeing that when I was barely conscious. He smirked, raising his hands to show me the bruising over the tops of his fingers and knuckles.

"You should see the other guy." He laughed, sitting on the bed.

"You didn't answer." I pointed out, crossing the room to settle beside him. I laid on my side, rolling over to face him.

"Long story." He nodded, keeping his eyes down. "Someone told me that Matt had had you alone, so I went looking. He was already knocked the fuck out when I found him, but try to tell that to a handful of his drunk friends."

"What'd you do?" I asked, resting my head on my hand.

"I defended myself." He replied. "I didn't even have a chance to look for you before my dad showed up."

"I was half-drowned for that information, so you're welcome." I grumbled, and he looked down at me.

"How'd you get back?" He asked, so I frowned and sat up.

"Why'd _you_ leave me on my own?" I shot back at him, and the guilt I found in his eyes before he could look down instantly shut me up.

He took a deep breath and sighed heavily. "I don't know. I really don't. You just.. You _seemed_ fine, and I-I.. All I know, is that it was a stupid move on my part. I'm so sorry."

I shook my head.

"I should have been smarter." I replied, looking over at him. "I got myself into that mess."

"You normally are smarter." He reasoned. "What happened?"

"I don't know." It was my turn to say that. "I thought I was done, but.. I _think_ he handed me another drink? Everything pretty much sucked after that."

He nodded.

"I'm guessing it wasn't more beer." He replied, and I looked over.

"How do you know?"

"You can handle beer." He answered easily. "Liquor, on the other hand.."

"_That's_ what that was?" I asked, understanding.

He laughed.

"You've never had that before." He explained. "Everyone we know tends to stay away from the harder shit."

"I can see why." I admitted. I sat quietly for a moment before I sighed again. "I'm probably going to be grounded for awhile."

"Me too." He nodded, and I groaned.

"I don't want to tell them everything." I whined. "They're going to hate me."

"No they're not." He said. "It's probably better to come clean now."

"I don't want to be clean." I grumbled and he laughed. "I want things to stay like they have been." He placed his arm around me and pulled me into his side. I pushed him back, making him lay back and I laid back down next to him. I knew it would be awhile before I got to see him again, and this was what I would miss most.

Figuring out what I was doing, he cuddled me as I laid my head on his chest.

We were quiet this time for several minutes until he spoke quietly.

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" He asked, and though I didn't feel like talking about him anymore, I knew he needed that reassurance. It would weigh on him until he got it.

"No." I mumbled. "I'm okay. He.. Didn't get the chance to." I felt him look down, but despite his curiosity gnawing at him, he didn't ask. He just squeezed me a little, and I closed my eyes.

"Good." He finally murmured, and I heard the relief there.

I stayed there as long as I could, but eventually, we had to part just after night completely fell. I heard the doorbell, and I closed my eyes in dread. For the final minute or so, I clung tighter to Josh's arm. His breathing was even, but he held me tighter too.

The bedroom door opened, and my mom poked her head in.

"Leandra?"

That's all she had to say. I whined loudly, but I peeled myself away from Josh's side. I took my time getting out of bed. I grabbed my sandals and my bag, and waited for Josh before wandering out of the room.

It was crowded out in the front room. Andrew and Zack had decided to stay seated on the couch, but watched in interest as everyone else was standing around talking. Every single pair of eyes were on me, though.

I hated this so much, because I couldn't even look at Carlisle standing there. I couldn't even look at anyone. I fought the shame as I kept my eyes down.

I felt bitter as Heather took my face between her hands first. "We love you, Leandra. I know it doesn't seem like that to you, but this was needed."

I didn't want to be mean to her, so I didn't reply. I allowed her to hug me as Carlisle lifted my bag from me. My mom's hug came out of nowhere, so I returned it lightly.

"Thank you." I muttered, and she pulled back to look at me. I glanced to Heather too. "For helping me through that."

There was no point in lying anymore. I'd already been busted, and for once, I was able to appreciate the fact that my mom had the most experience with dealing with that kind of thing. I had a clearer look at that whole situation, though. If that was how she felt every day, she had definitely been suffering.

"Of course." My mom replied, hugging me again. "Just promise me it won't happen again."

I glanced back at Carlisle pointedly before looking at her once more. There was almost zero chance of that ever happening again.

"It won't."

I looked to Josh next, and he sighed as I hugged him.

"I'm so sorry." He murmured into my hair, enveloping me in his arms. I wasn't that mad at him. "Good luck, okay?" I nodded a little, but I didn't want to let him go. It would be a very long time before I saw him again, so I didn't even bother trying to hide it when I looked up and kissed him. He seemed a little hesitant to return it, but he did a second later.

It was a lingering one, but innocent. I wasn't after anything but an unspoken promise that I would get to see him again soon. The kiss broke, and I lightly rested my forehead against his cheek and listened to him sigh. Close like this, I already missed him.

I looked up at him, and he met my eyes. I nodded first, and after a second, he smiled a little and nodded as well. It was an unspoken thing. He gave me one more enveloping hug, but I knew I had to go.

Nobody said a thing, to my surprise, but then again, I wouldn't have cared if they had.

"Bye, guys." I waved to the other boys, forcing a smile, and they waved back before I was ushered out the front door.

I climbed into the car, slamming the door while Carlisle placed my bag in the back seat. I was pissed, but at the same time, heart broken and embarrassed that I had to be dragged home like this.

It was quiet in the car as he rounded the back. I kept my eyes down, too embarrassed to even look at the house and all the people I knew were watching. I yanked my seat belt down across myself as he started the car.

I had a lot to answer for so suddenly, feeling cornered again, and it made me defensive.

"I didn't want to do this." Carlisle spoke first as soon as the car was moving. "I honestly wanted to trust you."

"You got here way too fast." I muttered bitterly.

"I was already on my way, Leandra." He replied. "After having a rather interesting discussion with Mikah."

"Goddammit." I snapped at the window, exasperated. "I knew he couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut."

"Please watch the language."

"How much did he tell you?" I asked sharply.

"I'm getting the feeling not enough." He answered.

I fell quiet, biting my tongue at everything else I was about to say. I could always try to play it off like a victim, but that wasn't me anymore, and he'd just get the full story when Zack cracked first. Lying anymore was just not going to work.

"Shit." I sighed to myself, knowing full well that there was no way around it. I had only cornered myself, and they would find everything out. It was going to suck.

"How long am I grounded for?" That was the only part that was unclear.

He didn't reply right away, looking over at me. I knew why he was surprised. I never spoke to him quite like this.

"I suppose that depends." He finally said.

"On?"

"If there is more than what you're admitting to." He answered, and I scoffed.

"I'm not admitting to anything." I said. "I wasn't doing anything." I just couldn't stop.

"Then why is Mikah so concerned?" He asked. "There is a lot no one is telling us."

"Because there's nothing to tell." I rolled my eyes. "Mikah's a fucking liar."

"Language." He reminded me.

"This is so stupid!" It was almost a plea, which is probably why he didn't reply to it.

"I want you to really think now, Leandra." He said, and I looked over at him. "What benefit do you get from continuing to lie?"

"A lot." I replied simply.

"How long has this been happening?" He asked, but I shut up. "Andrew already admitted that he's seen you like that before."

"Nothing like that." I nearly gagged at just the memory. "I've never felt that bad before. _That_ was stupid." My stomach still felt iffy.

"I have to agree." He replied, and that stung a little.

"You don't even-"

"What were you doing out there, Leandra?" He asked firmly. He only knew as much as last night. Where Josh was found and dragged home.

It wouldn't do any good continuing to lie, but the truth literally wouldn't come out.

I scoffed and unbuckled my seat belt. Turning, I made my way into the back seat. It was a little harder to do so, but I was determined.

I was mad, but I didn't want to fight with him. He just didn't know the half of it, or why I did the things I did. It was going to be a long drive while I carefully controlled my thoughts. My thoughts kept trying to force me to feel some kind of guilt for acting and behaving the way I had been. I couldn't do that.

I dug in my bag until I found my headphones, shoving them in before turning on the loudest music I had. It was better that way, and Carlisle didn't seem to mind too much. I watched out the dark window, my foot tapping tensely with the beat of whatever song was on for hours, until my eyes closed.

As with any other time I fell asleep without smoking first, I started to dream. In this dream, I went back. Just like I used to do, and still did sometimes.

In this dream, my eyes burned in both tears, and the cold air hitting them. I didn't recognize who spoke, but at the same time, I knew it was me. It was like a whole different person. Someone that died a long time ago, at this very moment in time.

"Okay." The silence was deafening as she spoke, the intense surprise was physical around me as the snow drifted down. "I agree. You have my word."

Behind those words, underneath everything, were the reasons. Where I'd been, come from, why I had to say what I said. It was exactly like getting punched in the stomach. She didn't know it at the time, but agreeing to what she agreed to would be the beginning of the very intense ride downhill I knew so well.

I was suddenly upright with a deep breath, choking on the emotion in my throat and ripping my headphones off at the same time.

I refused to cry, which wasn't new, but it was pretty difficult at that point. Holding my breath, swallowing against the lump in my throat. I felt like it was tearing me apart again, but holding my breath helped.

"Leandra?" Carlisle prompted, which brought my attention back to where I was. The memories of not only the last few hours, but also the last several years flooded through my mind.

I glanced up at him before I looked back down, attempting to get a better hold of my emotion.

"Over." I managed to speak. "Pull over. Please." He did as I requested, to my surprise. I honestly wasn't sure if I was about to get sick again or not. This feeling was what I was trying so hard to run from.

The second we were stopped on the side of the dark highway, I threw my door open and climbed out. My bare feet hurt a little in the rough dirt on the side of the road, but again, I hardly noticed. I took a few steps forward, but that wasn't enough. Especially as I heard him get out as well. I hated this so damn much. I didn't even have anything to blame this on besides myself.

I spun and hit the side of the car as hard as I could with an angry shout. Of course I didn't hurt the car at all, but hurt myself quite a bit instead.

Carlisle caught me before I could turn away, but I pushed away. Turning and storming a few steps away. He watched as I tensely doubled over, clutching my hand to myself. Nausea was squeezing my stomach, but I couldn't throw up.

I couldn't speak, the emotion muting me because I honestly didn't know where to even start.

I was so mad, I was literally speechless, but under that anger, I knew the pain still existed. That hole in me was angry, but this time, I didn't have a hope of numbing it, and that hopelessness was earned.

My whole life was behind this feeling, but even more, I wasn't allowed to not be okay. I had to hold it all in, aside from a single, muted tearless sob. He was watching this. A side I hadn't showed him in quite some time.

I hated how hard I hated. I hated the aching hole inside me, the canyon filled with all these ugly emotions that I had no clue how to deal with. It was like acid, the burn in the back of my throat from all the moments in my life piling up and crushing me. I wasn't strong enough, but I had to be strong enough.

"I can't do it." I finally laughed humorlessly, standing up. I couldn't look at him, though. I looked up instead at the stars.

"Do what, exactly?" He asked gently.

"This." I answered sharply, and I gestured around me. "All of it. Anything. I can't do it." He understood, despite how vague that was.

"Then don't." Carlisle replied.

"I have to." I finally did round to look at him. He was very concerned, given the sad look in his eyes. "I am the worst person in the world, all because I can't fucking let go. No matter what I do, or how hard I fucking try.. No matter how many times I lie to you, or to myself, it.." I paused for a breath. "It's tearing me apart. I'm so scared, _all_ the goddamn time. I seem so calm, I know, but every fucking second, I'm _so_ afraid.."

He seemed to grow more concerned with every passing second, and I couldn't figure out why. He studied me close for several moments, until he finally moved forward and hugged me. Again, I stepped away.

"You don't want to do that." I told him. "At least you won't when you find out." I fell quiet for a moment, looking away. Off into the dark desert. "You don't even know who I am anymore. The shit I've done, or even why I did it. You don't know, because I don't even know."

"Is it your past bothering you?" He asked, and I scoffed.

"That never went away." I was getting irritated. "You know where I came from. Do you even remember who raised me? Do you know what he turned me into? I put what he did behind me, as much as I could, but it's there. It's there in who I am. He's gone, but he's here. I keep telling you."

He didn't even reply. He just reached out to hug me again. I didn't even bother trying to avoid it this time. I just hugged him back as tightly as I could, forcing my breathing to calm down.

Still not a tear.

"I don't hate him." I said anyway. "I don't hate him for treating me like garbage. I only hate myself. I _really_, really hate myself.." He had to hear how much truth was in that statement. There was no way he couldn't.

"I won't press you for answers again until we get home." He told me, and I nodded. "You have until then to decide which way you're going to take it." I took a deep breath and sighed, nodding again.

I hesitated before I backed up a step and looked up at him. It felt like I was looking right at him for the first time in years, and I realize that it was. I was always afraid before that he'd see, but I had a reason to. He was always the one that could see me no matter how high I built my walls.

He was seeing me now, and I wasn't sure he liked what he was seeing. He'd seen me at my worst before, but this was a whole different level. He'd never been allowed to see my new breaks.

Without a word, I turned back to the car. I chose the front seat again, and involuntarily, I was reminded forcefully of the first time I ever sat in this seat. It felt like I'd been such a different person then. Back then, I had more fear than anger. I was hurting so badly, probably the only trait I still shared with that person now.

I had just found out they would be fostering me. I thought about that day, my thoughts sliding too quickly to stop toward the reason behind that day.

Jack still crossed my mind more often than I'd liked to admit.

I still felt his imprint on me, just like he always promised. He was ever present, probably even more than I could imagine. He was the rough hand of anxiety, squeezing my throat until I couldn't breathe. He was the voice in my head, telling me I would never get away from it. He was the one dumping beer down my throat. The burning end of every cigarette I smoked, and the heavy boot of despair and depression, crushing me to the ground.

He was the one digging the hole deeper with his words and all the things he'd done to me. I still heard his chuckle in the darkness in my mind. I still felt his weight on me, yet he was supposedly gone? I didn't buy it.

I jumped roughly as Carlisle closed the door beside me, the sound startling me out of my thoughts, but I did consider trying to be less hostile.

I needed every second of that time he gave me. The rest of the drive home. Now and then, I'd look over to try to read Carlisle's expression. Whatever he was feeling, he didn't allow it to show. I honestly didn't know what to even say, so I was still pretty undecided by the time he pulled into the garage. It was early afternoon when we got back.

He turned the car off, but I was in no hurry to get out. Neither was he, it seemed.

"They all know, don't they?" I finally muttered, removing my seat belt.

"They know as much as I know." He corrected. "It's up to you to tell us the rest."

I saw the flaw in my little plan. I could have just told Carlisle and made it up to him to tell the others, but now, I had to be the one to tell everyone.

"Shit." I sighed, sitting back in my seat. I had to look over, though, at Edward arriving in the garage doorway, giving me a look. I didn't even try to hide my thoughts this time.

I thought a curse word his way, but he wasn't budging.

I jumped, though, as my door was suddenly pulled open, and Mikah stood there offering his hand to me. I was instantly pissed.

"Didn't I tell you to fuck off?" I snapped at him, shoving his hand out of my way as I climbed out on my own. He chuckled.

"It's nice to see you're feeling better." He mused. "You better get used to my presence, princess. You've got-"

"Fuck off." I snapped at him again, fully prepared to push him aside, but Carlisle was there to gently steer me into the house. He already had my bag.

"I'm assuming there's more?" Carlisle asked, but he was looking over at Mikah.

"A lot more." Edward confirmed. I felt his stern look on me on my way passed him in the doorway, but I ignored that. I had to admit that that was a good place to start.

"Yeah." I said, continuing on toward the living room. "Mikah is.. My new assigned body guard."

"Pardon?" Carlisle asked, surprised. I heard him following me.

"Aro assigned him to watch me." I explained quietly. "His job is to watch me."

"He isn't too happy with your methods of keeping her safe." Mikah explained now. "Which is why I'm here now, and will be until she's taken."

Emmett stood up as I walked in. "What's Aro's problem?"

"If you only knew." Mikah said, and my heart sunk.

"Okay, we get it." I mumbled, rounding to glare at him. "You can shut up now." Carlisle glanced down to me.

Mikah continued. "The point is, he wants her in perfect shape when he returns for her, and I'm here to make that happen-"

"It's not their fault I chose to hide what I do." I added, and he looked to me, smirking. I crossed my arms carefully.

"They should clearly have rethought the amount of trust they placed in you." Mikah gave me a look, amused.

"What have you been up to, shorty?" Emmett demanded from beside me. Lucky me, Rose and Alice descended the stairs then. Followed closely by Jasper, entering the room from outside. The room was filling up, and I knew none of them liked my news.

"Nothing." A knee-jerk response that amused Mikah even more.

"I'm not here to mess with your way of life, so I won't bother you guys." Mikah assured them. "Live the way you want to around me. My focus is her, and only her." I glared at Mikah again, wishing I could just disappear. He smirked and I forced myself to look down.

"Shorty?" Emmett prompted in the silence that followed, so I just sat down. I uncrossed my arms, but sat forward, resting my arms on my thighs instead and studying my hands. I didn't know how to even start.

"Start explaining." Carlisle wasn't happy. Again. Looking up at him, Esme beside him, I couldn't look at them for long.

"I-I.. Well.."

"No lies." He clarified, and that shut me up for a moment. "I want to know exactly what you've been doing that warrants Aro to assign Mikah as a bodyguard of all things. I wasn't aware that you needed one."

"It's no big deal." I skirted the question, hoping to put it off for as long as I could.

"That isn't what I asked you." Carlisle shook his head a little. "I asked you what makes Aro believe you're not watched enough here."

"He's just paranoid." I said. "I haven't-"

"Leandra."

"Okay, so maybe I don't tell you everything." I admitted quietly. "Just because I don't, doesn't mean I'm out to kill myself."

"That isn't what I asked you." He repeated, and I could hear his patience beginning to thin. Which was enough to surprise me a little, but I had to keep on the defensive.

"But that's my answer." I shrugged a little.

"What have you been doing?" Carlisle asked again, and I bit my lip.

"Nothing." I mumbled, shrugging a little. "It's not that bad, Carlisle. Really." Edward scoffed, and I tossed a glare his way.

"You shut up." I snapped at him. He wasn't impressed.

"I want to know what it is." Carlisle wasn't accepting my half-assed answers.

"And I want food, so.." I went to stand, but Emmett stepped to the side, blocking my way to the kitchen. The look on his face was enough to make me a little nervous. I sat back down, drawing my legs up this time.

"Answer me." Carlisle told me evenly. "Then you can eat."

"What was the question again?"

"Leandra, stop it." Esme was scolding me now, and I shut up. She never did that. It had always been a calm correction, never a scolding.

Round and round we went like that for almost ten minutes. Some of those ten minutes were spent with me sitting in silence, biting my lip and keeping my eyes down. I really didn't want to admit anything I'd done, and that was what Carlisle was asking me to do. I couldn't. So I carefully chose my answers. Replies that wouldn't give them any hints as to what I've been up to.

"Maybe you should just answer their questions, princess." Mikah murmured from beside where I sat on the couch.

"You're obviously in the loop." Emmett told him now. "Why don't you just tell us?"

"I'm asking her." Carlisle corrected him quietly. He wanted to hear it from me.

"I have to agree." Mikah admitted. "It's her place to own up to it. Not mine."

"Really." I snapped at him. "Fuck right off." He ignored that.

"It's not the fact that she does these things that bother him, Carlisle." Mikah said. "It's the fact that she has the freedom to do these things. She needs to be controlled."

"I will control her as I see fit." Carlisle replied. "Now that I'm aware that she needs to be."

"No I don't." I muttered.

"Trust me. If you _really_ didn't know, it's a lot-"

"Will you shut up?" I barked up at him.

"No." He answered. "It's my job to protect you, princess. Bringing light to your risky activities to those that are _supposed_ to protect you is my job."

"Fucking perfect." I grumbled, lowering my face into my hands. "Could this not have waited ten goddamn seconds?"

"Of course not."

I groaned. "It was Josh's idea-"

"That boy is part of the problem." Mikah said. "If he hadn't turned you down that night, where do you think you'd be?" It took me a second to figure out what he meant, but when I did figure it out, my stomach turned painfully.

Outraged, my mouth dropped a little. I really hadn't expected him to bring that up.

I blushed immediately, looking up at him sharply.

"That's none of your damn business. You were _listening_?"

"It's my job." He repeated. "You're far too young for that."

"What is wrong with you?" I was pissed now. Humiliation only fueling that. I covered my face. "Oh God."

"Far too young for _what_?" Emmett was losing his temper. His tone announcing that clearly. Probably thanks to how I just reacted.

"Oh my god.." I lowered my face into my hands again, trying to soothe the warmth spread across my cheeks.

"Leandra." Carlisle called my attention again, and it went silent in the room. "What have you been doing?"

"Give me a minute!" I hadn't meant to yell that loud. I just didn't really appreciate the pressure I was under. I was still processing the fact that Mikah had eavesdropped.

"Start at the beginning." Mikah suggested after probably exactly a minute of silence, and I glared up at him.

Glancing around, I knew it would be pointless to keep trying to skirt around the questions. I might as well get this over with. Mikah stepped back, his hands clasped behind him. Waiting for the truth as much as everyone else was. He already knew, but I knew I'd get no help from him.

"No, I haven't killed anyone." I mumbled quietly, just a hint of attitude in my tone. "And no, I haven't traded sex for drugs."

"Thank goodness for that." Carlisle still wasn't relieved, though. I waited for a moment.

"It was given to me for free." I admitted hesitantly, not daring to look up.

"Leandra." Esme was shocked, and I couldn't look at her either. I knew everything else I said was going to bother them. A lot. If that admission did, that wasn't the worst of it. I was _so_ embarrassed, and I knew they could see that.

"Mikah was talking about the first night in California." I mumbled. "Josh and I got to talking, and I found out he's already had sex."

"With a girl that looks like a doberman, apparently." Mikah added. That just fueled my embarrassment by reminding me he'd been listening.

"Thank you." I snapped up at him. "That's enough out of you." Mikah smirked, but otherwise stayed quiet.

"_Any_way." I grumbled. "I might have gotten a little jealous, and I _might_ have.. Suggested that _we_, him and I, have sex, so I-"

"I told you!" Emmett barked. "I _knew_ it!"

"We didn't do anything." I replied sharply. "He wouldn't." That shut Emmett up. My tone turned a little bitter. "He said he didn't want to do anything that I would regret later, or risk hurting me, because he knew I was only jealous."

"I like him a little bit more now." Emmett admitted, sighing after a moment.

"And what would have happened had he not turned you down?" Mikah asked pointedly. "Have you considered that?"

"Shut the hell up, would you?" I asked, glaring up at him. "I'm not done."

"I know you're not done." He agreed. "Please. Continue." I sighed, trying to list them in my mind in order of their severity. Which wasn't easy, because a lot of them seemed just as bad as the last.

"I smoke." I said, irritated.

"Not anymore, you don't." Esme was the one to speak up, to my surprise. "That stops now." I sighed, nodding. I'd expected that. That was going to suck.

"Again?" Alice asked. "I thought you gave that up."

"I know." I mumbled with a nod. "I did, but it.. I don't know." It was quiet again as she shook her head in disappointment. "It's.. Not just cigarettes."

Emmett bit his lip, and he turned away with a sigh. Something he did to avoid yelling at me. I didn't know what it was, but pacing seemed to keep his mouth shut.

"It's _just_ pot." I defended myself, but he shook his head. "Come on, everything else-"

"I don't care." He replied. "You're not a pothead."

"No, but I do smoke pot." I argued. "That's such a stupid name."

"There's more." Mikah spoke up before Emmett could reply. "Keep going."

"I've gotten drunk a few times." I mumbled, knowing I might as well confess to all of it. "But I drink all the time."

"Beautiful." Emmett laughed humorlessly.

"That was what made me start the warehouse fire." I admitted. "I wasn't thinking, and we were cold, so.."

"As scared as you were of becoming your mother?" Jasper asked. "You choose to-"

"Uh-uh." I cut him off. "She has nothing to do with-"

"That sort of thing is genetic, Leandra." Esme pointed out, and I looked to her. "How easy it is to get used to it is in your blood." Oh.

"Well, that explains why I'm usually so good at it." I mumbled, understanding now.

"And _that_ stops now." She repeated, crossing her arms. I nodded again, almost relieved at that. I hadn't known about it being genetic.

"What else?" Carlisle demanded, his arms crossed. He knew I wasn't done. I glanced up at him, hoping I wasn't disappointing him too much. The thing was, he and I both knew I could do better. Especially considering how hard it was to tell them everything I'd been doing for the last year or so.

I couldn't make myself see his disappointed gaze anymore, so I looked back down to my hands in my lap. They weren't accusing.

"What else?" Emmett pressed, and I glanced to him next.

"I.. I got a tattoo."

"You did _what_?" Alice was shocked now, stepping forward immediately. "Are you serious? _Tell_ me you're not serious!"

I sighed and reached up, pulling the collar of my shirt down until said tattoo was visible. Carlisle and Esme stepped around, probably to get a better look at it. I took a breath, thanking my lucky stars that it was pretty much healed by then. I was thanking my lucky stars that I was a fast healer, and that it didn't take the full two weeks it needed to heal. It still had some time, but the wounds had closed.

I looked down at it too, unable to help it.

There was no sign of infection, because I'd taken pretty good care of it, which I was grateful for, but Alice was still pissed.

"How?" She demanded. "Who?"

"A friend of Josh's has an older brother that does tattoos." I muttered. "I got a discount."

"And he had to have no hesitation about tattooing a fourteen-year-old." Emmett growled, and I shrugged a little, letting my shirt go.

"I paid him extra to get over that hesitation." I replied. "I like to get my way."

"That was what the withdrawal was for." Carlisle narrowed his eyes now that he understood. I nodded shamefully.

Alice spoke up again. "Do you even realize how _permanent_ that is?"

"I'm pretty sure I do." I mumbled, remembering clearly how painful getting it done actually was. "It took hours, but you _can't_ tell me he isn't good at what he does."

"It'll disappear when she's turned." Mikah stated matter-of-factly. "It's not _that_ permanent."

"Thank you." Alice snapped his way.

"So I'm still hungry." I pointed out, standing up.

"A few more things." Mikah said, looking to me, and I sighed.

"What else?" I asked. "Smoking, drinking, stealing, getting a tattoo.. What else?"

"_Sit_ back down." Carlisle's tone wasn't one to argue with, so I sat back down. "We're not done here." It was silent for awhile, and I knew Carlisle wasn't happy. He was the farthest from happy he could ever be. He was farthest from happy he'd ever been with me.

"I haven't had sex." I offered. "That has to count for something."

"That you even remember." Emmett growled from the side.

"Thanks." I snapped over at him. "I think I'm a little smarter than-"

"You wouldn't be wrong about that." Mikah shook his head a little. I closed my eyes, lowering my head in humiliation, waiting for the silence to pass.

"Explain." Carlisle spoke again, and I glanced up, almost relieved that he was looking at Mikah, but I knew Mikah would actually tell him.

"When I came here to tell you to go pick her up, there was a reason." He replied without hesitation. "I was the one that took her back to the house that night. I couldn't allow her to stay in that situation."

"Leandra." Edward scolded me now. He probably saw Mikah's memory of that night, and I knew I couldn't have looked that good. I shook my head at the floor. Not exactly denying it, but also not wanting to admit to it.

"And what was going on?" Emmett wanted to know. Mikah looked at me, and for once, I was begging him silently to keep his mouth shut. I shook my head a little, but I knew he didn't have a choice.

He looked at Carlisle again and took a breath. I braced myself as he started talking again.

"She was mostly unconscious." He said, and I heard his tension. "It's amazing she has any memory of that night at all. I'm fairly sure you've heard about it already, but even the most detailed description of her that night wouldn't do it justice."

"Is this true?" Carlisle asked, but I kept my eyes down. I hesitated, staring down at my hands before I sighed.

"Yeah." I mumbled, hating the disappointment in the sighs around the room. "Yeah, it's true. He carried me back. He knocked on the door so my mom would find me."

But Mikah had more to say. "A boy was with her that night, and had made his intentions quite clear before I decided to step in. I couldn't let that happen. She wasn't capable of defending herself."

The silence was deafening. I didn't know what to do. Play defiant and defensive? Be ashamed? All I could do was bite my lip.

Esme's sigh in particular was loud. "Leandra."

"I know, okay?" I grumbled. "I know it was stupid-"

"Yeah, it was." Rosalie snapped, and I went quiet. "How did you get that bad?"

I sighed heavily, looking down. I didn't know what to say.

"I was only going to have a few.. Drinks." I mumbled, shrugging a little. "But it just.. More just kept showing up. Josh seemed fine, and I.. Didn't wanna be a downer, I guess, so I just went with it." I hesitated to search my thoughts. "And I might have been smoking a little." Mikah nudged me. "A lot." That was the best answer I could give her, so I decided to continue. "Whatever was in that cup he gave me was so much stronger than anything I'd ever had before, and I wasn't used to it."

"You just kept going with it?" Alice asked me, and I shrugged.

"I was pretty fucked up." I admitted. "I don't even remember when he handed it to me. I was trying to find Josh so we could go back, but he was.. Somewhere else. I think they separated us."

"Genius." Rose snapped again, and I flinched a little. "Do you have any idea what happens to stupid girls in situations like that?"

"I know." I said quietly, which was clearly the wrong answer.

"And you did it anyway?"

"I thought I was fine." I replied, shrugging a little. "I just wasn't thinking-"

"That's _apparent_!" She actually shouted, shutting me up. "How could you do that? You put yourself in that position." My defensiveness flared, and I sighed heavily, looking up at her sharply and standing.

"No fucking shit!" I snapped at her. "I underestimated someone! Big fucking deal, let's just keep rubbing it in! Shut the fuck up about it." She crossed her arms.

"This is just like you." She pointed out.

"Guys." Alice sighed, actually sounding tired, but I had more to say.

"I do the shit I do because I want to." I continued on, right at Rose. "Yeah, I fucked up. Once. Once, so fuck you. Fuck you and your vote of confidence, Rosalie. Fuck you, and fuck _them_ for trying to fuck me over. Blame them! If it wasn't for them, I'd have been just fucking fine, just like I always am, and _you_ wouldn't have known a goddamn thing."

"I blame you for giving them the opportunity!" She was every bit as pissed as I was, which wasn't weird, but I wasn't afraid of her.

"This is one time." I pointed out again. "You don't even know how many times there have been _opportunities_, but you know what? I've always been completely fine. I've never been double crossed like that before."

"You know why?" She asked in return. "Because that little reputation of yours only gets you so far, little girl. It gets you nowhere when you're targeted by someone that doesn't know your name."

"I didn't see it coming." I countered. "I didn't expect-"

"Exactly what I was saying, shorty." Emmett chimed in.

"Nobody fucking asked you." I replied sharply, glancing over at him.

"Leandra." Carlisle was the one that corrected me then, and though it took a few seconds, I eventually did figure out that he was right. That was too much. I looked down briefly before I looked at Rosalie again.

"You just know I'm right." I concluded.

She didn't reply. She stared at me until she finally turned. Leaving the room. I couldn't help my humorless laugh.

Emmett attempted to stop her, but she yanked her arm from his grip and rounded on him.

"Emmett, if I don't leave, I _will_ wind up saying something she will regret." Rose warned heavily, but I snorted.

"Do it." I challenged. "Might as fucking well!"

"Leandra." Esme was trying to shut me up.

"Say it, Rose!" I called after her. "Come on, don't run away now!" It worked. She was taking my challenge, striding back over to me.

"Do you even hear yourself?"

"I hear myself just fucking fine." I scoffed. "I'm sick and fucking tired of you and your perky fucking nose in the air. The whole goddamn time I've known you, you've treated me like you were better than me. You're just pissed I'm finally calling you out on your shit."

"Enough." Carlisle spoke again, but I ignored him.

"Just admit it." I continued at Rosalie. "You can't stand the fact that-"

"Leandra." Carlisle cut me off again. "I said that's enough."

"Do you remind yourself of anyone?" Rosalie snapped at me in return, and I narrowed my eyes. "Search that empty head of yours. You're a manipulative little liar, and I would be _shocked_ if anyone ever trusted you again."

It took me a minute, but once I realized what she was getting at, I had to search my memory. I took a calming breath before I laughed.

"First of all, you never fucking met Jack." I replied. "Second, so what if I am? I get what I want, just like he always did. It's about fucking time I do."

"Not anymore you don't." She scoffed. "You-"

"What?" I asked. "What are you going to do about it? Fucking _nothing_, you stupid bitch. That's what."

"Rose." Esme arrived at her side right in time to keep her from taking a step forward. I was surprised to see Esme had caught her wrist. "Walk away."

I forced an angry laugh as she rounded to walk away. "That's what I thought."

Esme turned to me next. "You. Go sit back down. That's enough."

"Damn, shorty." Emmett didn't find any of this humorous as I returned to the couch.

"Who's next?" I snapped at the room. "Anyone else? Let's all just point out how goddamn stupid I am." Nobody spoke up.

"Breathe, princess." Mikah reminded me. "Calm down." I turned my glare to him, and surprisingly, I didn't immediately try to punch him. His expression was the most open, the calmest. The last thing I wanted was to stay this angry. Being this angry didn't feel good. Mikah was giving me a chance to back down, so I did as he suggested.

Taking a deep breath, I sighed and sat down again. I knew Rosalie was right. The defensive part of me, and especially how freely I cursed, reminded me a lot of Jack, but I didn't need her to point that out. I already knew it.

It was quiet for several minutes now, waiting for my temper to ease before the conversation continued.

"First of all.." I looked back to Carlisle as he finally spoke again. "I'd like to thank you, Mikah. For getting her out of that situation."

Mikah only nodded, looking down as he looked down. "Of course."

"It's his _job_, remember?" I commented bitterly.

"Yes." Mikah replied calmly. "It is my job, but that's not why I did what I did. I did it because I was the only one close enough to keep you from that fate." I shook my head at the floor. "You did what you could, but it wasn't going to be enough."

I didn't argue, because I knew he was right. As hazy as the memories of that night were, I did recall that much.

"Second. Leandra." Carlisle went on in the silence. I was in for it. I turned my defensive look back up at him. It wasn't quite a glare, but I was closed off. He read that look, but I also saw his heavy disappointment.

"How long has all of this been going on?"

"For a.. Awhile." I answered quietly. "Drinking.. And pretty much cigarettes.. Since just after my twelfth birthday. It was only now and then, I swear. I first tried weed closer to my thirteenth birthday. That weekend I spent at Josh's. Everything else picked up right around the same time." He seemed to appreciate that honest and thorough answer, and that's what it was. "I started small. It's taken me time to get here."

"Never.." He responded. "Never again will you ever do any of those things. _All _of it ends _now_. Am I clear?" He waited, so I nodded. "Honestly, Leandra, what would make you think that any of that was a good idea?"

"I just.." I shrugged a little. "I don't know."

"You do know." Edward finally piped up, but I didn't reply. "That answer isn't going to cut it here. Tell the truth."

"I _don't_ _know_." I snapped over at him.

He shook his head in disappointment, crossing his arms, and I looked back down.

"How did you get here?" He asked, frowning deeply. I shrugged again, almost pointedly, but I knew he saw how badly his question had hurt because we both knew exactly how I got here. He was looking right at the answer.

"The one thing I'm having the most problem with is getting drunk." Emmett's irritation was getting worse. "Are you kidding me, shorty? With your past?"

I sighed hard, standing. I hated just sitting there getting yelled at. Before I could move, though, Mikah's hand on my shoulder pushed me back down. I looked up at him, about to start yelling, when I followed his slight nod toward Carlisle. Who clearly wasn't done.

He wasn't accepting my answer. He was still very upset with me.

"You know better than that." Carlisle murmured quietly. "You're smarter than that." Though his tone was quiet, I knew he was closer to yelling at me than he ever had been before. I didn't bother arguing with him. He was right.

"From now on, you won't leave here without one of us."

I groaned in disappointment, closing my eyes as I shook my head. Grounded.

"It's very obvious to me that you should never have been trusted." He went on. "That's it. That was all the trust I can give to you, and that's gone. Until further notice, your freedom is as limited as ours is. Where we can go, is where you can go."

I understood his disappointment, so I stayed quiet, biting my lip and looking down. I couldn't fight with him like I could the others.

"You won't be alone for a second. Understand?"

"Perfectly." I mumbled.

"I can't even begin to tell you how ashamed you should be of yourself." Carlisle's words hurt just as much as Edward's question had, and I kept my eyes down. It was silent now. I didn't bother saying anything in my defense. I didn't have one.

"Do you think it's okay?" He asked, and I stayed quiet. "Do you think it's good for you to act that way? Because I'm trying _so_ hard to understand where you could possibly have gotten that idea."

"No." I mumbled, biting my lip a little.

"Then _why_ did you do those things?" He asked, his tone harsher. "Leandra, I want an answer. If you knew it was wrong, then _why_ did you do it? It makes absolutely no sense why someone as smart as you are would decide to take that road."

I shrugged slowly, not knowing what to say.

"Did you expect yourself never to be caught?" He demanded. "Look at me." I couldn't. Shame kept my eyes on the floor. "Leandra."

"I'm sorry." I finally muttered. "I'll never do it again."

"You're _damn_ right." Emmett growled, and I glanced to him. "You'll be lucky to leave the house at all."

"No." Carlisle spoke again. "She's not getting out of it that easily." I looked to him finally. "I've been far too lenient with you, and this is the result. _This_ is the way you repay? Not only have you disrespected yourself greatly, which is an unspeakable shame in itself, but you've disrespected us by the way your behavior reflects on this family. I've never, in all my time knowing you, been so deeply disappointed in you."

It would have been easier just to have him yell at me, and that be it. Glancing to Esme beside him, I saw immediately that she felt the same way as he did. She shook her head slightly, slowly.

"I want to know exactly who it was that gave you access to those things, and I want to know _now_." Carlisle spoke again, and my eyes widened a little.

"I won't do that." I mumbled instantly. "Because it was my decision, not-"

"Don't give us that." Emmett barked and I closed my eyes.

"I won't rat on them." I said again. "I won't get them into trouble because of my stupidity."

"Think carefully." Carlisle said, and I looked to him. "About your next answer." I waited as he paused. Despite carefully controlling his tone now, it was still harsh. "Did the other parents know about all of this?"

He meant Mark and Richard, specifically. If my mom or Heather knew anything about it, both of them wouldn't have hesitated to spill the beans.

"No." I said immediately, shaking my head. "No, they didn't-"

"She's lying." I turned my head sharply at Edward's answer. "Mark knew most about it. Richard, only minor details. Heather had no idea. Neither did her mother."

"That's not fair." I glared his way now.

"What's not fair is how easy you've made it to lie to me." Carlisle said, and that shut me up. "What's not fair, Leandra, is that I just can't believe a word you say to me anymore. What isn't fair is that Edward had to be the one to tell me that my daughter has the remarkable ability to lie straight to my face, without the slightest hint of remorse."

I couldn't hang my head any further after that. Of course he was right.

"Drinking, smoking, stealing, drugs, tattoos..?" He trailed off.

Hearing him say it like that, coming from him right at me, I really started to get it. It started to hit me, my denial thinning just enough. This was why I fought so hard against the guilt.

"Why should I believe you when you tell me that's all?" I was quiet again. "Tell me what I'm supposed to do now, because I'm at a loss. I honestly don't know what punishment would be fitting enough for a pain this bad. I can't trust you anymore, Leandra. Do you know what that does to me?"

I hadn't even imagined this happening while doing those things, to be honest with myself.

"I'm sorry." I murmured, quiet but defensive, to the floor. "I never meant to-"

"Yes, you did." He interrupted me. "You're too smart not to have known what these choices would do to the family. This hurts all of us, because we all know how smart you are." The silence in the room was almost deafening. Nobody saying a word, but I knew they agreed. Their mutual disappointment and shame of me hurt me more than I ever thought possible. I had to see.

Glancing to the side, I looked for just one person who was on my side. I didn't find one.

Emmett wouldn't even look at me, his heated glare on the window. Beside him, Alice's contempt was almost as unbearable as Jasper's disappointed gaze. Rosalie was still just _gone_. I'd literally driven her away.

Edward shook his head slowly, answering me silently.

No. Not one person was going to stick up for me this time.

Mikah still stood beside me, his arms held behind his back. His expectant gaze on me making me uncomfortable. As if asking me silently what I was going to do now. The truth was, I hadn't a clue.

I looked to Esme next, and Carlisle last.

"I don't know what to do." Carlisle repeated. "What would be sufficient enough a punishment for this? Would anything I attempt even do any good at this point?"

I fought the tears with every breath I took.

"Should I even-"

"Carlisle." Edward spoke up. "Don't finish that thought."

Taking his advice with a slight nod his way, Carlisle was quiet for the longest two minutes of my life. I took that silence to get a better hold of my emotions.

"Go to your room." He finally told me. "I'd like a word with Mikah."

I was indescribably relieved to be out from under so many disappointed looks. Standing up and reaching for my bag.

"Leave that." Carlisle instructed me. "It'll be thoroughly searched. As will your room at earliest convenience."

I couldn't even bring myself to protest. I just kept my eyes down, and I left the bag.

I sniffled quietly and scooted from the room. Not quite running, but I sure didn't take my time. I closed my door behind myself quietly, crossing the room quickly to lay face down across my bed.

I wasn't exactly too worried about them finding anything worth giving a crap about. What I actually did have hidden was everything I'd already told them about, so I didn't care about my bag or room being searched, but I would miss my phone. I'd used up what freedom I had, and I was officially grounded.

**A/N: So emotional. I knew this one would be hard, but I like to think it was also decently accurate. How mad would I be?  
THANK YOU SO MUCH to my reviewers of last chapter. You guys are the AWESOMEST! THANK YOU!  
Chapter Six will be along soon. THANKFULLY, I won't need to put an ImPORTANT NOTE up on that one lol  
Until Six, my friends! :) **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

I hadn't meant to hurt them. I didn't know the things I did would hurt them. I had my reasons, but not this. I'd figured if they ever did find out about it, it would be just like before. They'd tell me to knock it off, and not to do it again, and that'd be it. Not this. This hurt. Knowing I let them down so thoroughly bothered me.

On top of that, I felt so embarrassed having to come clean like that in front of everyone. All the details of everything I said about what went on between me and Josh only kept my stinging face hot. That humiliation was something I hadn't been expecting. As long as I lived, I wouldn't consider that again.

"Well.." I jumped a little as Mikah walked in slowly. "That went well."

"Shut up." I grumbled, laying my face down into the mattress.

"Leandra.." He sighed. "I'm sorry. I am, but what I found that night scared me so bad. That was my final straw. You deserve better than that, so I had to speak up."

"No I don't." I replied, frowning back at him.

"Why?" He challenged. "Why do you believe you deserved to be treated like that? Most importantly, why weren't you able to see what they were doing?"

I sighed and rolled over onto my back. I was quiet.

"I've watched you grow up these last few years." He went on. "You are.. Amazingly smart. Talented. You're gifted, and you're throwing all of that away, for what?"

"You wouldn't get it." I replied. "No one would."

"Try me." He said, leaning against the door frame. That irritated me.

"Why should I?" I asked instead. "Why should I tell you anything? You're so good at stalking me. You tell me."

"I already have my theories." He countered. "I'd like to hear your _reasons_, princess."

"Whatever." I closed my eyes. "I'm not telling you shit."

"I know you don't like me right now." He sighed. "And I understand why, but I didn't ask for this, remember?"

"You kinda did." I pointed out. "If you weren't sneaking around that day, you wouldn't have gotten caught. It's your own stupid fucking fault. Just like it's my own stupid fucking fault I'm in the spot I am."

He was quiet for a second.

"You didn't ask for this either." He finally replied, clearly confused.

"Yeah, I kinda did." I snapped. "Now get the fuck out."

He frowned. "Princess-"

"I said get the fuck out!" I finally yelled. "What? Are you fucking deaf too? Get out! You might be some bodyguard now, but you can guard my stupid ass from the goddamn hallway!"

That seemed to do it, which I was grateful for. He hesitated, studying me as I glared at him until he finally gave me a little nod, and turned. Leaving the room, and closing the door behind him.

Dammit, I needed a cigarette. Unfortunately, my mind followed that thought with the location of the closest one.

I didn't know whether or not Edward was still around, but that was answered a moment later when he walked in. Probably having heard the brief thought I couldn't hide. I groaned loudly into my pillow, as I knew instantly what he was in here for. I heard my dresser moved, and the small tin box behind it pulled out. He popped the lid, looked inside it, and decided to just take the whole box.

"Ass." I called after him as he left the room. Inside that tin box was another, smaller tin box holding two cigarettes. Along with a lighter, a small pocket knife I'd stolen off of Zack, some change, and a pack of gum. The gum seemed to mask the scent quite well. Of course I never used it here, that would have been stupid, but it was there just in case.

He didn't reply, closing the door again.

I sat there in silence as long as I could stand. During that time, I reflected, which I knew they knew I would do. I was still angry, but that only covered everything else. I had no right whatsoever to be mad at my family. They'd done nothing wrong. It was all me, but without being angry at them, what was left?

I should have listened to myself that night. If I'd have just listened to myself, everything would still be fine. I just didn't know what to do with myself. The last time I'd been grounded, it was lifted almost instantly.

I had to admit, though, all of this was a lot. How else did I expect them to react?

I spent quite a bit of time looking around my room, and with nothing else to focus on, the memories came back. Reminding me what this room meant to me. I'd been spending as much time as I could trying to pretend it didn't. My room, my bed, all the work I put into making this space mine.

The nights I was driven out of this room to find my family. The days I spent fighting my own mind when it turned on me. Those things seemed so childish now, but the way I remembered them, they meant more.

Of course, the guilt kicked in. I hugged my stomach, looking down.

They took me in. Back then, they were everything I counted on. No matter what else was going on, they were a constant. Even when they were gone, I knew they'd be back. I just didn't know when, and ever since, I held onto them.

They were always there to help me. They helped me not only continue to live, but they helped me grow. There was absolutely no way I'd be half the person I was without them and everything they'd given me. All they didn't have to give me.

All of that, though, didn't erase the fact that there was a wall there now. I was afraid.

A quiet knock at the door startled me.

"What?" I snapped at the door, but that didn't discourage Esme from opening the door. I looked down immediately, looking at my hands instead. I eased my tone. "Sorry. I thought you were Mikah. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

I heard her sigh, but I knew she didn't leave.

"We need more." She told me gently, and I felt her sit on the side of my bed.

"I don't know what else to say." I replied tightly. Steeling my expression, I finally looked up at her. She studied my eyes, and hers softened.

"Sweetheart, you can drop the act anytime." She murmured. "It's not going to work anymore."

I could have argued. I could have denied it with every breath I took, and she still wouldn't have believed me. So I didn't try.

"All we want is to understand." She went on when I stayed silent. "What were you trying to accomplish?"

I slowly shrugged, looking down. I honestly didn't know how to word it. I almost wanted to tell her, but I couldn't come up with the words. It was far easier just staying quiet.

"You do these things, honey, with no regard to the consequences." She said. "Your impulsive recklessness could really have gotten you hurt."

"I wasn't.. I didn't mean.." I cut myself off with a frustrated sigh. "I made.. A mistake. I didn't know those people like I know the people here, and I thought I could handle it. I know I should have listened to myself that night."

"Not just that night, sweetie." She replied almost desperately. "This whole time."

"This whole time I was fine." I argued quietly. I didn't want to yell at her. "Every bit of that stuff was my choice. I wanted to do all that stuff."

She frowned. "But why? Knowing how bad it was for you?"

"I don't know." I muttered with another shrug. "To do them. Once I started, I just kept going. It felt like the only way forward."

"And Josh?"

"I dragged him with me." I smiled a little sadly. "He was my safety net. He knew I'd probably get into that stuff anyway, so he sort of.. Followed me. He was always there to watch my back, but I never found myself in trouble like I did that night. The _one_ night he wasn't behind me."

She calmly nodded, which helped. I knew by how calm she was that I was being heard. It was nice.

"I am.. So grateful to Mikah for what he did for me." I admitted. "I shouldn't even be mad at him, because if it wasn't for him, that night would have sucked a lot worse, but I feel like because of him, I have to let all that go."

"You would continue doing those things?" She asked, mainly curious, and I nodded.

"Every chance I get." I answered. "Those things cover the hole."

She seemed concerned, so I decided to explain. For the first time since it was created, I decided to be honest about that hollow feeling in my stomach. I should have questioned this cooperative feeling, but I just continued talking.

"It's impossible to be afraid or depressed when I'm numb." I mumbled, glancing up at her briefly. "When I did those things, I felt like I didn't have to be weighed down anymore. Like I could just breathe, and know I'll be okay. Everything felt so small. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. _I_ wanted to stop hurting."

I kept my eyes down, away from her saddened expression.

"Why didn't you come to us?"

That was the question.

"I don't know how to word it." I replied with a sigh.

"Do you regret coming here?" She asked, and I immediately shook my head.

"No." I replied honestly. "I know. It might seem like that with how I'm always so snappy, but I love you. All of you, and that's.. I guess that's part of the problem." She seemed confused again, so I fell silent in an attempt to figure out how to word it.

I took a breath and continued.

"Living with Aro is something I really _don't_ want to do." I admitted as quietly as I could. "There were.. Things. I saw things. When he held my hand, I knew things about him. Just as many things as he knew about me, and what I saw scared me so much, but I still agreed because it was the only way. I didn't know what else to do."

Before she could respond to that, I went on.

"I do the things I do for a few reasons." I said. "It numbs the pain, like nothing else I've ever tried. It keeps me moving forward. It made it easy to just get to the next day, but along with that.. I guess I was trying to make it easier to let go when I have to, and.. I guess I was trying to make it easier for you to let me go."

That one surprised her.

"It's easier to give someone away when you're mad at them than it is to let them go when they're this perfect little angel." I explained. "I just didn't expect anyone to find out this soon, and I definitely wasn't trying to hurt anyone.. I kinda blew it, didn't I?" I looked back down. "I don't even know."

I wasn't surprised when she reached out and hugged me. I accepted it, returning it almost easily.

"How did you expect that to work, honey?" She asked gently. "I thought we established a long time ago that we wouldn't give up on you, no matter what you did."

"There had to be a limit to that." I replied. "Or at least that's what I told myself."

"Sweetheart, you're fourteen years old." She said as I pulled back. "You don't need to be getting yourself mixed up in those things. It's one thing if you choose things like that when you're older, but right now, you're still growing up."

"When will I ever get the time? I'll never get to be grown up." I muttered, and that seemed to be news to her. I was suddenly surprised that that detail never came up before. "No. He'll turn me pretty much as soon as he gets me. He won't want to waste time and risk leaving me human there. You didn't know that?"

"That explains a lot." I turned and looked at the door as Emmett walked in.

"I know that doesn't change anything, though."

"A little bit." He said. "Now it makes more sense. Why didn't you tell us about your timer, shorty?"

It was a little funny he worded it like that, as I had been wording it like that since the whole thing started.

"I thought everyone already knew." I replied. "But what difference does it make?"

"That kind of thing leaves humans no choice but to take the risky path." Jasper explained, arriving behind Emmett. "That kind of pressure would crumble anyone, Leandra."

I shrugged. "I just knew I wouldn't want any of those things when I was turned, so everything I thought of, I tried. I kept doing the things I liked, and just kept going. I didn't know it would hurt anyone but me. I did know it would piss everyone off, but I didn't think it would be like that."

"How did you hide all that stuff?" Emmett asked, frowning.

"Very carefully." I admitted with a small smile. "I never did anything here. That would be stupid."

"But the smell?"

"That was hard." I answered. "Brushing my teeth before I had to be home, chewing gum, and taking showers to get the smell off. I washed my clothes at Josh's, and slept over when I was drunk, because well.. That shit shows up in my blood. I think if I had a tic tac too many, you guys would know, so I had to plan accordingly."

"But.." Emmett was still frowning.

"You wouldn't smell the.. Other stuff." I muttered shyly. "That stuff.. Pot.. Smells more.. Planty. I'm always outside, so the smell would be like ice in water with enough time to air out. Not really any different, but beer would definitely show up because that shit stinks."

"She's diabolical." Emmett sighed, slightly amused.

"And very thorough." Jasper added.

"What about Heather?" Esme asked. "She never noticed?"

I paused to think about it. "Not really. We knew she would be pissed if she ever found out, but Mark was pretty cool about it. Except for the other day. Couldn't tell Richard for obvious reasons, which meant Andrew had to be mostly in the dark."

"Was Zack in on it?" Esme asked, and again, I noticed how cooperative I was being.

"Sort of." I allowed. "But he was into his own stuff too. Nothing stupid, but Josh and I were the ones that took to the cigarettes and drinking."

"And how did you get these things?" Jasper asked, and I hesitated. He wasn't asking names.

"Friends of friends." I replied. "Some are older, so we kind of relied on them for it, but they didn't mind sharing whatever they got for themselves. It wasn't like they were getting it specifically for us."

I paused for a sigh.

"I know it might not seem like it to you, but all of them are awesome. They're good people. That's probably why I was taken off guard the other night. That group reminded me of ours, and it felt familiar. I'm usually okay if I overdo it a little bit around them, because nobody in my group would ever think about hurting me like that. That's why I won't think about their names."

"Are you sure about that?" Emmett asked skeptically, and that irritated me.

"One hundred percent." I replied with honesty that even he couldn't ignore. "I will not think about their names, because I guaran-damn-tee you that Edward's lurking around here somewhere looking for those names, just because they gave me access to ways to relax a little bit. They gave me those things, but they also gave me somewhere that I knew I would be safe with good company. They gave me people, outside of this family, that I trusted. They watched me, they kept me safe while I made some stupid decisions. So yeah, I'm pretty sure they're good people."

I paused, waiting for his reply as I calmed down a little. After a few seconds, when it didn't come, I continued.

"It really wasn't that easy staying one step ahead of you guys." I said with a small laugh.

"Thank you for being honest." Esme told me and I nodded. "But we cannot let you continue doing those things."

"I know." I sighed. I kept my eyes down for a moment, before I took a breath, covered my face, and groaned. "Dammit. This is going to really suck."

"Aw, buck up, buttercup." Emmett told me, and I looked over at him. "Could be worse."

"How?" I asked incredulously.

Probably to be amusing, he pretended to think about it for several seconds.

"You know.." He finally said. "I can't think of a way right now, so we'll revisit the subject later." With that, he turned and left the room. I flipped my middle finger in his general direction, but I had to admit. It was nice to have him picking on me again.

So, a funny thing about cigarettes. They're really, really easy to get addicted to, and they're really, really hard to quit suddenly. The more I consistently had, was going to make it that much harder to quit.

I didn't know that.

Of course, I knew they were addictive. I wasn't stupid, but I didn't know exactly what that meant. By noon the next day, I definitely knew. It was a slightly familiar feeling, but it hadn't been this bad before.

Carlisle made sure I was somewhere I could be watched, just to make one hundred percent sure I stayed away from things I wasn't supposed to have. It was more of a peace of mind move, but I deeply disliked him for it, which was just an added bonus.

Laying on my side on the couch, staring at the TV, just the way I always used to do, I tried to ignore the urge to pace. I knew it was about to get a whole lot worse. I'd felt this craving before, so I knew what it was like. Normally, about this point in the craving, I'd go to Josh's house, so I didn't know what would come next.

The first day was almost tolerable. Mild, compared to what came the next day.

The next day, came the headaches. I had no clue I could have more than one headache at a time. Followed closely by the entire body ache. I felt the craving everywhere now, not just in my mind. Every hour that passed, I'd look to the clock to find that it had actually only been a few minutes. This sucked. So bad.

I was, of course, watched closely the entire time.

About the third time I insisted on going into my room, Carlisle grew suspicious. Not that I could blame him.

"Alice." He called, and I turned over on the couch to watch her descend the stairs. "Please go check her room again. Top to bottom this time for anything she isn't supposed to have." Alice, of course, nodded.

"Like that's fair." I mumbled bitterly.

"Check anywhere you can think of." Carlisle instructed her, ignoring my tone. "You know how creative she can be." She nodded again and turned.

When they say the first day without smoking is the hardest, they're lying. The first day is almost easy compared to the second day. The first day, not all the symptoms are there yet. The first day is only where the symptoms show up. The second day, all of the symptoms are there. And you feel every single one of them, because they're pissed off.

As shitty as this feeling was, I was suddenly very thankful I had never tried anything more addictive. However, as thankful as I was, I would have pounced on a cigarette faster than someone could tell me to stop. I hated it, but I would have. Just to stop the trembling.

Alice returned empty handed, and I looked over.

"Believe me now?" I grumbled, standing up. "Am I allowed to be alone now? I'd like to go die in peace."

"You're not going to die." Alice replied, but that wasn't a no.

"I'll just wish I would." I snapped back, turning and walking away. I was having a hard time, and they knew why. They weren't allowed to hold what I said against me.

I might have been grounded, but I still had my own space. I made my way up into the tree house that had been built for me. I hadn't spent a lot of time in here in the last few months, but it never failed to shelter me, and now was no exception. Today, though, I was after something different.

I made my way up to the loft, and the couch situated up there. Kneeling on it, I peered into the little space behind it. I didn't see what I was looking for, and I frowned, questioning my memory.

"Looking for something?" I turned and looked back at Mikah's voice in the doorway. He smirked and held up another little tin box. "Sorry."

I groaned loudly, turning fully and sitting down on the couch.

"Get the fuck out."

"Do you still hate me?" He asked casually.

"No shit." I snapped, and he chuckled.

"Someone had to pump the brakes." He walked in slowly. "You were headed down a road you didn't want to be on."

"It's my goddamn life." I growled. "I should be allowed to be on whatever fucking road I want to be on- Why am I even telling you this?"

"That's not how it works, princess." He replied. "You made an agreement, and that means staying alive until the time comes."

"I'm perfectly fine, in case you're suddenly an idiot." I sat up. "Well, I was. Until you came around and ruined everything."

"Trust me." He said. "I'm not your enemy. I know it seems that way right now, but I swear I'm not. I'm only trying to-"

"Fuck everything up?" I asked sharply. "Congrats. You won."

"I'm trying to keep you safe." He clarified gently, and I fell quiet. "What I saw that night.. If I hadn't been there, you'd have found yourself in a whole world of hurt. That boy had every intention of taking full advantage of the state you put yourself in."

I looked down. My anger dissipated. I was having a hard time not feeling guilty when he said things like that.

"Now, like I said, I've been following you for awhile." He said. "I can't just watch anymore. I was the one that requested permission to step in. The night you were given the okay to come on this California trip. Your family refused to let me close enough to keep it casual, but Aro gave me the go ahead."

"This is stupid. I'm allowed to live my own life." Back to that. "Aro has no goddamn say."

"He does." He corrected me.

"Then what good is the time limit?"

"For your own safety." He replied. "You wouldn't do well in a place like Volterra, and he knew it. He knew that this was the best place for you until you were ready."

"And I'll be _ready_ when I'm sixteen?" I asked skeptically, standing up.

"According to that vision you had, yes." He said. "He got a lot more from it than you did." I knew that part.

"He didn't get all _this_ from that vision." I challenged. I was referring to the way I acted.

"You and I both know that this wasn't something exactly planned." He chose to sit down. Slowly, almost awkwardly sinking into the closest bean-bag chair, but I continued to stand. "You have an obligation, princess. As much as it bothers me to see you that way, it's true. Unless your family can come up with a solution that works for everyone-"

"So _help_ them." I snapped. "You're the one closest to Aro in all this shit. You could help them more than I even could."

"I can't do that." He shook his head a little. "If I wasn't one hundred percent on Aro's side in this, he'd replace me with someone that was. You and I both know it." He shrugged.

"True." My voice eased a little. He was right.

"And I don't exactly trust anyone else with your safety." He added and smiled a little.

"How kind of you." I muttered sarcastically. That bugged me.

"You disapprove?"

"Duh." I replied. "You're acting like I'm something stupid and fragile."

"You are not stupid." He countered firmly. "You are pretty damn smart, which is why these choices of yours are completely wrong."

"And fragile?" I prompted, crossing my arms.

"Anything but." He stood up. "You're the sturdiest human I've ever met. It takes someone sturdy, and brilliant to not only live with a family of vampires, but to get anything passed them. Much less for as long as you have."

I shrugged, and smiled a little. He had a point. He studied me, though. I held his gaze as defiantly as I could, but in the strangest way, I felt the instinct to look down. Something I'd done my best to get rid of.

"Now, I know you're uncomfortable." He went on when I looked at the floor. "But it will get better." That brought my eyes back up to his.

"Even if I did all the things I do every day for the next year and a half, I would be completely fine when Aro takes me." I pointed out firmly. "Why can't I just do what I want to do?"

"Because you're fourteen." He answered. "And I'm not going to drop the ball here, princess. You have my full attention now." He seemed to find that amusing.

I growled, turning and returning to the loft. This was the most irritating thing in the world.

"However, I've been given rules." He went on. "I'm not allowed to handle you much, and to keep as much distance as I can."

"_Handle_ me?" I scoffed.

"Move you." He clarified, smirking. "Strictly as needed. I hear you can be pretty stubborn."

"You can keep plenty of distance." I added. "About 600 miles _that_ way." I nodded in a random direction.

"It'd be rather difficult to watch you from the middle of the Pacific Ocean."

"I know." I replied firmly. I growled again, sitting on the top step. "I get that this is prison, but can I at least see Josh?"

"Would that be wise?"

"If you wanna stay un-on-fire, then yes."

He actually laughed.

"You would have to discuss that with your family." He said. "It's up to them more than it's up to me. I only step in when I have to."

"Oh, goodie." I grumbled. I settled in for more suffering.

"And one more thing." Mikah took my attention again. He held up the little tin box. "Both of the others have been found as well. Carlisle wasn't kidding. You are quite creative." I scoffed, but I looked down.

"Keep looking." I challenged, and he laughed again. Thankfully, he left me alone.

I got absolutely no sleep that night. I was shaking so bad, my entire body so tense, I couldn't relax enough to sleep.

The third day of the symptoms blended right in with the day before, and I was nearly in tears. I knew this day was going to be a lot longer than the last. I saw no end to it.

It would have been a lot easier, and far more merciful of Carlisle to have given me something to make me sleep through all of this, but Carlisle wanted to make sure I felt it all. Teaching me a lesson, and it was a very learned lesson.

Mikah had also stuck around, watching me now as often as my family watched me. This sucked so damn bad, but nobody seemed even remotely ready to budge or give in. Nothing helped.

"This isn't near as bad as what you'll go through after you're turned." Mikah decided to point out. "You know that right?"

"Mikah.." I mumbled into the couch cushion. "Shut the fuck up." He wasn't helping. I hurt in the worst way. I felt it in my bones, and anyone talking to me just made me want to tear out my hair even more.

"Of course, Aro will make sure you don't." He continued, nodding to himself. "But this is how your family feels every second of every day." That surprised me, and I looked up. "The craving for human blood is a thousand times worse than this."

I couldn't even begin to imagine that torture. This was indescribable in itself, but to worsen it by a thousand? I looked over at Emmett for his opinion.

"He's not wrong, shorty." He smiled apologetically, and I looked back down. I remembered how hard it was for Jasper to give up the day I accidentally cut my thumb, and he only gave up because Emmett made sure of it. I looked down at my thumb and the small scar there.

Having it pointed out like that worried me a little. Would I even be able to handle being turned? It wasn't like my opinion mattered much, though.

I didn't complain after that. Aside from when I could no longer help it, and even then, it was just a whimper here or there. Gritting my teeth, and doing my best to just endure it. I found when I did my very best not to focus on it, keeping busy doing other things, I could almost deal with it.

I passed out from exhaustion on the couch. Even suffering like this was no match for the need for sleep. When I woke up a few hours later, the room was dark, and I had a blanket over me. I didn't even bother moving to my room. I just rolled over.

I couldn't fall back to sleep, at least not right away, so I took the time to think about how I'd been acting. No matter how mean I got, they never stopped caring about me. Proven many times over, but most recently by the blanket I laid curled in now.

I closed my eyes before they could start tearing up, holding tighter to the blanket. In a rare moment of vulnerability, I held the blanket as tight in my hands as I could. Slowly curling into a tighter ball.

As badly as I wanted to cry, I couldn't. That didn't mean, though, that I couldn't just appreciate the gesture. Just for a moment while I was alone. I could appreciate the moment, and reinforce the memory of what it felt like to be safe. I knew for a fact that I would be looking for this memory when I finally had to go, but for right then, it's exactly what I was.

I could take a moment, while I was alone, to be breakable. To be soft. It didn't happen often, but for once, I was glad to be here when my armor fell. When I couldn't keep holding it up, and just needed a break. I was here. For right then, I was here. I could still take some comfort in that.

In the morning, whether I wanted it to or not, that armor would be back. I had no idea how to stop it.

I felt slightly nauseous when I woke up again. It was bright in the room, so I knew it was morning. I rolled over to look at Esme sitting there with a book in her hand. She looked at me, her expression softened. I knew I looked as miserable as I felt, but I understood now why this was necessary.

I felt too warm, but kicking the blanket off of me helped. After some sleep, I could see that it wasn't going to be like this forever. The other side, so to speak. It would just suck for a little while longer.

I continued to lay there, giving myself time to wake up. Trying to assess my mood.

"I'm sorry, honey." She really did seem sorry. I looked over at her.

"It's okay." I mumbled, and I hoped she heard the truth in there. "It's my own stupid fault."

"That doesn't make it any easier to watch you going through this." She pointed out, and I nodded. I understood that part too.

"I'll be okay." I assured her, sighing as I struggled to sit up.

She stood up, moving to sit on the couch with me instead. I tried to reassure her with a smile, and for the most part, it worked. She placed her arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a side hug. For the briefest of moments, I got homesick. I thought back to just a few years ago, and how easy it was to feel comforted by this.

I missed that.

"You'll be okay." She repeated, hugging me firmly.

It took over a week before I felt sort of normal again. Waking up the first morning without needing to pull my hair out was a relief I didn't know I was waiting for. The edginess was still there, but on a far more tolerable level. Giving up the cigarettes was the hardest part of it all. I could do without the drinking, or everything else, but the cigarettes sucked the most to lose.

I was still sore, the physical ache still a problem, but I could finally see how this was the right move. I wandered out of my room, much the same way I always did, and I flopped down onto the couch with a heavy sigh. Bringing my hair over my shoulder when I leaned on it wrong. I was quiet at first, undoubtedly watched closely while I smoothed my pajama shorts.

After a moment, though, I looked over at Emmett sitting there.

I knew I wouldn't be magically cured, and I'd probably always be craving that trouble again, but for right then, I could see what I put my family through. I could swear they all aged a hundred years.

In response, Emmett reached over and hugged me. I smiled a little as I was squished, but I definitely saw the problem. All the work I'd done to try to distance myself hadn't worked, and I was quickly running out of time.

I hated this feeling the most.

I sat back up, and I looked down. It'd been just over a week since I'd been back, and though I'd done a whole lot of confessing, all the problems felt like they were still there.

"What's wrong, shorty?" Emmett noticed.

"Oh nothing. Just _everything_." I replied sarcastically. The pressure was squeezing me again. I knew full well he hadn't forgotten how often I felt like crap over the years. "And don't tell me that everything will be fine, because we both know that's bullshit."

He gave me a look.

"You know you can change your mind." He said, and I rolled my eyes.

"How many times-"

"Just tell him." He stressed. I pursed my lips in irritation, shaking my head. "Tell him to forget it."

"I can't do that." I stressed in return. "You have no idea how much I can't do that."

"You've mentioned it before."

"There's not always a way out of things, Emmett." I went on. "There's not always a way to just change your mind. You know who pays for me changing my mind? You. You, and everyone else here. I've been telling you this since I was eleven. You've known that this whole time, so just stop telling me that I _can_ change my mind when I _really_ fucking _can't_." I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. It seemed I was still a little snappish.

"And what if we're not willing to just let you run off to be Aro's little lap puppy?" He shot back, and for a second, I was surprised. I honestly didn't know what to say to that.

What _if_? I hadn't even considered that. My response always was that they had no choice, but that wasn't exactly true. They could do whatever they wanted, and he was right. If they all decided that their lives were worth less than mine, I couldn't actually do shit to change it.

He sighed at my silence, shaking his head. "Shorty, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry."

He thought I was upset at the name. Little lap puppy. I didn't care about that, because that was pretty much true too. I just still didn't have a response. I just looked down, because I could imagine that scenario all too easily, and the way it made it just a little more real hurt. A lot.

I steeled my expression, though I had no doubt he actually saw the emotion there anyway. That would always be my weakest point. No matter what it was.

I took a deep breath, and chose to ignore the obvious. I needed to change the subject. We would never, in a million years, see eye to eye on this.

"So.." I muttered. "I get that I'm grounded. I get why. I know it's not going anywhere, and I'm not asking to go anywhere, but.. Can I see Josh?"

Emmett made a hesitant sound, something like a groaning sigh as he looked to Carlisle. I turned and glanced back at him as well, not at all surprised to see him there. Not with the discussion that was going on.

"Just.. Five minutes." I pressed. "We'll even stay in this room."

"Is that really a good idea, shorty?" Emmett asked.

"I just feel like shit leaving the way I did." I answered. "And I want him to know that I'm okay. It's kinda our thing."

"Of course you're okay." Emmett frowned. "Why wouldn't you be okay?"

"Not like that." I rolled my eyes. "He just likes to see for himself." I paused for a shrug. "And I miss him too."

"I really don't know." Emmett said, but he didn't have to.

"I'm sorry." Carlisle sighed as well. "I don't believe you should be rewarded for your behavior with seeing this boy." I half expected that.

I whined, slouching.

"I'll just keep bugging." I warned.

"Go right ahead." He replied. "My answer will still be no." Dammit. Seriously? "I don't think you really grasp how your behavior was wrong."

"I get it." I argued. "But I don't think it's fair that I can't even see him."

"I think it's perfectly fair." He countered simply.

"Why?"

"How's your tattoo, shorty?" Emmett asked casually.

"It wasn't like Josh was the one that did it." I snapped back at him.

He scoffed. "None of those boys stopped you. Any good friend with a single brain cell would have stopped you from-"

"They know me enough to know that they can't." I cut him off. "I do whatever I want, whenever I want."

"Not anymore." He pointed out, and I glared.

"So what if I just walk out right now?" I challenged, crossing my arms. He literally laughed at me.

"Not happening." Mikah's voice suddenly in the room had me whining again. I was outnumbered.

"I'm sorry." Carlisle said again. "Until further notice means just that. I don't believe I've given you any notice, and I'm not exactly sure I'll be changing that any time soon."

I didn't reply to that. I almost couldn't believe that he was sticking to it this much. Before, he was never quite this firm about it. There was always some give there, like he had a permanent soft spot. Now that was gone, and seeing that change bothered me more than I thought it would. I couldn't even read the expression in his eyes, but I knew he read mine loud and clear.

Oh, really?

I shook my head, turning and walking right for the door. Emmett, probably stunned that I'd even try it, just watched me walk right by, but Mikah was in my path before I got anywhere close.

I moved to step around him, and he blocked my way. I moved again, and he was there too. Countering every direction I tried. Eventually, I got frustrated and shoved him. He chuckled, but didn't budge.

"Sorry, princess." He smiled that irritating smile.

"Leandra." Carlisle spoke up, and I rounded to look at him. "Enough." I growled in frustration. I wasn't used to not getting my way.

"This fuckin' bites!" I snapped, a lot louder than I meant to.

"Hey." Mikah's sudden presence blocking my view of Carlisle made me jump, but he was talking. "You want to walk? Come for a walk with me."

He glanced back at Carlisle, but it wasn't like he was asking permission. Without an answer from me, Mikah gently took my shoulders in his hands and he turned me back toward the door. He practically shoved me through the door, following me closely.

I wasn't even sure why I went along with it so easily. Maybe it was me being hopeful that I wouldn't have to answer for yelling like that. Not that being grounded more was going to make a goddamn difference..

Mikah and I made it down the steps off the porch into the yard, and he guided me along with his arm as we started walking. I was a little surprised by the contact. I was a little surprised he was allowed such casual contact with me. Maybe this was what he meant by handling me?

"Let's chat." He suggested lightly, his voice quiet but calm, and taking my attention. "First of all, um.. Can you please tell me what is wrong with you? Because I really think it would make my job easier to know."

I attempted to stop to glare at him outraged, but he kept me walking.

"Let me clarify." He went on, not missing a beat. "I'm very confused."

"No shit." I snapped at him. He _was_ confused if he thought he could just ask those kinds of things without me getting pissed off.

"Those people in there are the same people whose crest you branded yourself with." He pointed out. "Yet, you act like you're miserable every second you're in the same house. What is wrong with you?"

"I don't have to explain anything to you." I ducked away from his guiding arm, backing up a few steps.

"What was the reason today?" He wondered, rounding to look at me. "Because Carlisle is being a parent? Because he actually told you no?" He wasn't being mean with these questions. I wasn't sure how I knew that, but I just did. I bit my lip in anger, though, looking away, so he went on.

"Come on." He said. "Please help me understand. What is so great about that boy that he can make you act like this toward people you supposedly care about? The same ones that you care about enough to-"

"Just shut the fuck up already." I grumbled, shaking my head. I went to turn away, but he was there too.

"Hiding things." He listed. "Staying away as often as you can, doing these things behind their backs, and then getting mad at them and treating them like crap when they try to do what's best for you."

I turned away again, only to find him there too. I was getting pissed.

"Just listen for a second." He sighed, and though my fists clenched, I waited. "This is insane, princess. They won't tell you any of this, but I think I should. Stop it."

"Fu-"

"And stop cursing so much." He cut me off, but he laughed tensely. "Now, you and I both know that the way you treat them isn't how you actually feel. I'm not blind, and clearly, they aren't either. You're not fooling anyone but yourself, so you might as well drop it."

That was the second time that had been brought up, but I was stubborn. All that got him was an eye roll.

I barely noticed how close he had gotten to me. Keeping his voice quiet, his tone calm. He wasn't intimidating, and I wasn't nervous. It was more soothing than anything, and I suddenly couldn't find my anger anywhere.

In the weirdest way, I felt drawn in. Like every word he said mattered, but only like he was trying to approach and tame a dangerous animal. Like he was the one trying to keep me from ripping his head off. It was _weird_.

Whatever it was, though, it was working.

I knew what it was, as I knew quite a bit about vampires by then, but it was something I thought I was immune to. Realizing exactly what it was, I chose to move away. I bit my tongue, and I turned sharply, walking a few steps away. That was a cheap trick, but I wasn't falling for it.

I forced a breathless laugh, but it was steady and humorless.

"Cute." I finally replied. "Adorable. So you think you know everything, huh? Well, then tell me. What do _you_ think I should do?"

"Adjust your attitude, for starters." He chuckled lightly.

"To what, exactly?" I asked as he started walking again. Naturally, I followed. "What kind of attitude should I have?"

"Anything a little less abrasive." He replied. "Stop lying to yourself, and stop acting like a spoiled brat." I would have punched anyone else for saying that, but punching him would have been stupid. Knowing that, I also knew it wouldn't do any good to get mad at him for speaking the truth.

"I know." I grumbled. I didn't like it much either.

"The world won't end just because you don't get your way." He looked over at me. "Right now, Carlisle doesn't think seeing that boy is-"

"Josh." I said. "That boy has a name."

"That boy isn't a very good influence on you." He countered. I sighed heavily.

"I'm starting to think you really are deaf."

"You have your part in what you do." He nodded. "No one is denying that, but the fact that those boys not only let you do those things, but also participated, is a sure sign that you need some better friends."

"What were they supposed to do? Tie me to a chair?" I snapped. "Andrew barely knew anything. Zack had his own bad habits and Josh was just-"

"Giving you more of a reason to find trouble." He finished for me. "He was enabling you. Frankly, princess, I would have tied you to a chair. All that stuff? You don't need all that stuff."

"What do you even know?" I challenged sharply.

"Easy." He smiled a little. "I don't want to fight with you. You're defensive. That's okay, but the fact is that Carlisle told you no, which I'm really happy about. You're not going to sway that decision by cursing at him and pouting. Learn to live with it, princess."

"That's so easy for you to say." I scoffed. "You're not the one missing out."

He stopped again, turning gently to face me. I stopped as well, meeting his eyes stubbornly.

"You really believe I don't know what it's like to miss someone?" He asked quietly. Also gently, still no anger in his tone, but it was firm.

"Not like this, no." I replied confidently.

"I had a family before I was turned." He reminded me. "I nearly raised most of my siblings. I was the second oldest. I had _reasons_ to stay." That shut me up. I couldn't exactly argue or snap at him for that. I looked down. "I had three brothers, two sisters- One your age. I would tell her the exact same thing I'm telling you."

"Well, I'm not like her." I pointed out. "She might have-"

"It's not about that." He stressed. "It's about respecting yourself. Yourself, and your family for trying to protect you from-"

"They can't protect me." I argued. "They can't, you can't, Josh can't. How many times do I have to-"

"I get it." He eased his expression, giving him the same open look I always saw. For the briefest of moments, I regretted this discussion. Only because I was so mean to him.

"I get it." I repeated, quieter. Taking a breath, I looked away. I knew what he was trying to say. I crossed my arms, shaking my head, but it was in defeat this time. I couldn't argue anymore. I knew. I needed to cool it. I was only hurting myself.

"I just don't know how." I admitted, looking back up at him. "I don't know how to not be this way." He smiled.

"Be who you are with Josh." He suggested, and I couldn't help smiling a little as well. "Remember that feeling? Open those doors just a little bit. Put a window in that brick wall."

Don't be so closed off. Don't be as unreachable and defensive.

"Won't that just suck more?" I asked, honestly confused. When I had to leave.

"I can see how you'd think that." He allowed. "But you might be surprised what it can do for you. My job is to keep you safe, but it's becoming harder to do that without seeing that you're comfortable too."

I took a deep breath, and nodded. Calming down. I had to admit, he was good at this talking to me thing.

Instead of continuing the conversation, though, I turned and I walked away. I wasn't exactly that mad at him. I was just done talking. I heard his heavy sigh as he actually let me walk away.

Across the yard, I turned back around to look at him. My steps slowed until I paused. "Thank you. For trying, I mean."

"What do you mean?" He asked, slightly confused.

"You're wasting your time." I assured him. "Someone like me, we're never 'comfortable'. I have two modes. Fight for my life, or tolerable. 'Comfortable' is never anywhere in there."

"You aren't damaged, Leandra." He countered gently, even from across the yard.

Of course, I was doubtful.

"There is good in you." He went on in my silence. "It's so bright, I can see it. What happened to you is tragic." I wasn't quite expecting him to address it head on like he did, because that was what I thought I'd been doing. Clearly, I was wrong.

"You know?" I asked pointedly. I wasn't mad about it, but I needed to know.

"I know." He confirmed easily. "I know that it wasn't fair. You see yourself as damaged, but you're not. Start respecting yourself, princess, and it'll help you tremendously."

I gave him a look. I respected myself. I just hated myself more.

I hesitated, though. When he made me think that way, it took different meaning. It sunk in, so to speak. He gave me a nod, and I didn't argue. I let him have the last word, as I turned and continued on.

I glanced back once, but he was gone.

My mind worked hard as I made my way into the tree house, and settled in for awhile. The morning was a little muggy, but it wasn't raining, so I opened the windows and lounged on the couch.

I missed my cell phone, but since that had been taken, I chose to snooze. As I snoozed, my mind continued working hard and I got irritated again. I over-analyzed every word of that discussion. It was like now that I wasn't around him, my stubbornness returned.

I didn't exactly like the way I was acting either, but it wasn't like I knew how to turn it off. Maybe I was acting like a spoiled brat. He was right about that, but that didn't give Mikah any reason to think he could fix me. Like he could just talk at me and I'd just automatically listen to him. Fuck that.

I tried thinking of ways to get to Josh anyway, but Mikah literally stood in the way of all of those, and if he didn't, my family did. There had to be a way that would work. There was a way. I just didn't know what it was yet. The pieces weren't in the right places.

I couldn't fall asleep, because I'd just woken up, so I walked out onto the balcony. Just to watch the trees for awhile. Just like always, it was calming. I didn't know what I'd do if I didn't have this space to myself. I considered myself lucky.

I went back in for lunch, accepting the unspoken, temporary truce.

It was the tension. Being grounded in itself was bad enough, but the fact that there was one person I had yet to really talk to about all of this. The one I really owed the most to, and the one I knew I'd let down the most. I was avoiding that conversation. I wasn't sure why.

The tension I felt over those unspoken words in that conversation was what really bothered me. I couldn't escape to avoid it. I couldn't do what I'd been doing the last few years, and that felt so wrong to me because it was all I wanted.

From the day I first saw that vision of the clearing, I'd done all I could to bury it. That meant cutting away everything that went with it. How much I admired Carlisle was a very big factor that day, and so suddenly losing him very deeply scared me.

I'd never had a chance to care about anyone like that before, and realizing the fact that I did, in the way that I realized it, tore me apart. In one of the worst ways. I still cared about them, just as much, but avoiding talking to Carlisle meant that I didn't need to experience being torn apart again.

Even with as much time as I'd spent around him since being home, we never really talked. I'd yelled at him. I was irritable, and angry all the time. We'd argue, but only while I pushed it along, and that was it. I knew for a fact that he still cared.

But the shame I felt kept me quiet, only looking over when he'd walk by. The words he told me during that initial scolding still rattled in my head, and I knew they probably always would.

Until I talked to him, anyway, but why was it so hard? I had a feeling Jack had a lot to do with that, but why? I'd put it behind me, and I knew better than anyone that Carlisle was nothing like Jack. I trusted him completely.

Yet, he couldn't trust me.

"Dammit." I sighed heavily, setting my fork down. I wasn't especially hungry after that talk with Mikah.

"Are you okay, honey?" Esme took notice, of course. Even now, I was watched closely.

"No." I replied sourly, standing up. I hesitated, though. Sighing. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to snap."

"I know you have a lot on your mind." She smiled a little.

"Understatement." I muttered, leaning on the counter instead. "I just don't get it. What am I supposed to do now?"

"What do you mean?" She asked, concerned.

"What am I doing wrong?" I clarified. "What can I do to.. I don't know, fix everything."

She smiled again. The expression turning slightly sad.

"Sweetheart, you already know the answer to that." She replied. "I'll admit, it's a little complicated, so I'll just say this. Sometimes things just can't be fixed. It's not that simple, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it."

In the weirdest way, that made sense.

I knew all I had to do was talk to him, but I was so afraid to. Not because I was afraid of him, but..

"How is it worth it?" I had to ask. "Mikah said pretty much the same thing, but my question is the same. Why? All it'll do is make it suck worse when I have to go."

She was quiet, looking down for a moment.

"Or, perhaps, it would make it easier for you to understand in the long run." She finally told me. "You always wished you could go back and fix things that went wrong in your life. You have an opportunity to do that right now, and save yourself the wishful thinking in the future."

She was right. I knew she was right, but I also hated to think about it. I had to make amends now while I could.

"Man." I sighed heavily again, and slouched. That path led to a lot of pain in a short amount of time, but the other path led to just as much pain for a lot longer.

"Shorty." I glanced toward the living room at Emmett's call. He seemed mad, which got me going. With a frown, Esme followed me.

"What?" I asked, already defensive.

"I thought you were told no friends?" He asked, and I frowned even more. I glanced over as Esme started toward the front door. I walked forward, and peered out the window.

My eyes widened as I spotted who had arrived. I didn't bother arguing with him. Instead, I turned and hurried after Esme. Emmett couldn't ban me from seeing my mom, and it wasn't my fault Andrew tagged along with her.

I landed on the porch as they approached it, and I ignored Esme's sigh at the door as I jumped at Andrew for a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Esme." My mom spoke first. "I understand she's grounded, but I had to see her. And _this_ one.." She lightly smacked Andrew's arm. "Wouldn't stay put."

I was too busy hugging him to care, though. I knew I'd probably be in trouble, but I didn't care. I was too happy to care.

"I understand." Esme replied. Thankfully, she didn't seem irritated. "Please, come in."

Holding onto Andrew's wrist, I practically dragged him into the house. My mom, shaking her head, followed.

"You're never getting him back." I told her once we were through the door. "He's not ever allowed to leave."

I was only partially joking.

"Well, it's my turn for a hug." My mom argued, stepping forward. I accepted her hug with one of mine in return. I was more than okay with it, because she'd been there. I still appreciated the fact that she was the one that found me outside that night, even if Mikah had been the one to knock.

"How are you feeling, honey?" She asked me, as Andrew took another turn hugging me.

"I've been better." I laughed slightly, but hugging Andrew was making it better. "I've missed you guys."

"I'm glad to see you recovered." Andrew admitted, stepping back and looking at me.

"Against my will." I joked sadly.

"It was for the best." My mom replied, her tone also sad. "I know it's hard, but _that_ is not a habit you need in your life, baby. Believe me."

"Esme said it's genetic." I frowned a little, glancing over at Esme still standing beside me. She started toward the living room. I followed her.

"She's right." My mom replied, following us. "I inherited it from my father. If I wasn't already determined never to touch the stuff again, seeing you like that that night would have done it. Honey, you _scared_ me."

Emmett had stuck around in the living room, but I ignored him as we walked in. He was very unhappy, given his crossed arms.

"You'd think I would have learned from taking care of you." I admitted, sitting down in the closest seat. She looked down, obviously not proud of the reminder. I felt a little bad. "Not to be mean."

"I know." She replied. "But you were young. There's no way you would have fully understood."

"True." I sighed as Andrew sat down beside me. I gravitated more toward him, because he was always so warm. Physically, he felt like a blanket straight from the dryer. It's always been that way. He chuckled as I clung to his arm.

My mom smiled. "Well, either way, I'm glad you're doing better." I laughed a little, nodding. It was strange to have the tables turned.

"I wasn't that bad, was I?" I couldn't really understand why they kept being surprised.

"Uhm.." My mom hesitated, in almost disbelief. "You were bad."

I rolled my eyes, looking down at my hand.

"I'm serious." She pressed lightly. "Baby, that was terrifying. I'm not sure you fully-"

"I get it, okay?" I snapped a little, ignoring Andrew as he nudged me. "I've already been told enough how fucking scary it was. Big fucking deal."

She sighed, the sound tense.

"_I'm_ not telling _you_ over and over how scared I used to be." I went on, my irritation flaring at the sound. "At least I wasn't shit-faced every goddamn day like you were. By the way, thanks for the worst ten years of my life, _mom_."

I knew as soon as I said it that it was a low blow.

I didn't even have to look at her to know how bad that comment hurt her. I felt it. Biting my lip as it suddenly sank in that I shouldn't have said that. It was true, but it was way too far.

"I deserved that." She replied before I could even consider how to apologize. "Baby, I'm accepting it. I take full responsibility for what I did." I was surprised at her firm tone, despite just being verbally slapped by her only daughter. "I'm not proud of what I did, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let you fall that low, because you are _better_ than that."

"Don't worry." I assured her the best I could, despite how bitter I still was.

"Gina?" Thankfully, Esme took her attention, because I was getting defensive. I didn't want to be a bitch with Andrew sitting right next to me. He cared about her too.

I watched the two of them step away, sighing heavily.

"So." I forced a laugh, turning a little to face Andrew, but Emmett was still standing there. I focused on him, giving him a look.

"What?" He asked firmly.

"You can leave now."

He scoffed. "Can I? I don't think so." He was clearly not happy with me getting my way. Technically, though, they told me I couldn't see Josh. They didn't say anything about Andrew. "You two can talk all you want to, but you two can talk with me in the room."

He was trying to be intimidating, and though it clearly worked on Andrew, I didn't buy it.

"It's fine." Andrew laughed nervously. "I really don't mind-"

"You're not the boss of me, Emmett." I snapped. "Just _leave_."

"Shorty-"

"Emmett." I looked over at Esme's call from the kitchen, and Emmett did too. She was saving my butt again. It really seemed like she was back on my side.

Giving me a scolding look, Emmett finally left the room. I gave him a little wave. I looked to Andrew, nodding toward the side door.

I knew full well I was breaking the stay inside rule, but nobody stopped me as I led Andrew outside through the side door. Onto the porch, to give us some semblance of privacy.

"Damn." Andrew chuckled, sitting down on the top step. I followed suit. "You weren't kidding." I scooted over until we were directly side by side. His arm against my arm, our hips together. We even sat in the same position. Leaning forward, our arms braced on our knees.

I laughed a little. "I told you. Grounded means _grounded_. It sucks, but the worst part of it is that I know I did it to myself."

He just nodded, looking idly around the yard. I knew he wanted to say what everyone else had already told me, but he wouldn't. He was holding it back.

"How's Josh?" I wondered, again my tone was sad.

"He's grounded forever." Andrew replied. "Him and Zack. After you left, Heather searched Josh's bag and found his cigarettes. Along with the.. Other stuff." I cringed, hiding my face against his arm. "My dad let it slide after enough of me begging. Since he's only two years from eighteen, he figured it wouldn't do much good freaking out at him. Heather was doing a good enough job of that."

I could only imagine.

"How pissed was she?" I asked, looking over at him.

He laughed nervously. "I've never seen her that mad."

"I'm glad I wasn't there." I admitted, sighing. I didn't want to think about what she could be like when she was that mad.

"That's probably why she waited until you were gone." Andrew nodded. "With your past.."

"Yeah."

"So I brought you something." He murmured. "I just need to see something first." He replied, and I sensed the change in his quiet voice. He was nervous.

I looked over at him, and he looked at me.

"I know this probably isn't the best time, but seeing as how I'll probably not get much of another chance any time soon.."

"Okay?" I prompted, waiting. "Do what?"

He moved carefully, like every muscle moving was second-guessed, but I was able to understand exactly what he was intending to do. He was hesitant, but sure, and I found I wasn't tempted to back away as he brought his face closer to mine.

He placed probably the softest kiss on my lips I'd ever had, but my stomach reacted in a way it never really had. As much as I kissed Josh, this was entirely different. I wasn't really sure how, but the second I returned it, I felt it.

While his lips lingered on mine, he brought his hand up and gently cupped my cheek. His hand was warmer than my probably-blushing cheek, which only prompted me to keep it going when it soothed my suddenly-pounding heart. It calmed me down instead of making me nervous.

I took a breath, and that must have been what he was looking for, because he seemed more confident now. I'd never really considered kissing Andrew, as he'd always just been there, fit naturally. Now that it was happening, it felt like we fit even more.

When the kiss broke, it lingered. I took a shaky breath, and opened my eyes, not having even noticed they'd closed. He was still right there, though, looking in my eyes. He smiled when he saw me look back into his eyes, and it was contagious. I'd never really noticed before just how brown his eyes were.

I didn't know what to say, but I didn't have to. He laughed a little and hugged me to him. Even in the awkward position, he was light and careful. I had to smile, too.

"Thank you for not punching me." He told me gently, and I hugged him in return.

"Thank you for not giving me a reason to." I mumbled in return. If he had approached that any other way, I probably would have, but giving me the chance to decide whether it was something I wanted or not was exactly the right way.

He wasn't pushy. He never had been.

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "I know you're Josh's girlfriend-"

"I'm not Josh's girlfriend." I leaned away to look at him. "I'm no one's girlfriend." He seemed confused. "I kiss him all the time, yeah, but that's not me. I'm not a girlfriend."

He paused to think about that for a moment, but after that moment, he smiled a little.

"Think I can change your mind?" He asked, and I couldn't help laughing. Leaning over and placing my forehead against his shoulder. He chuckled as well, but I figured I should just explain it now.

"I'm not a girlfriend." I said again, looking up at him. "I won't ever change my mind about that. You're allowed to kiss me, I guess, but that's it. What's everyone fascination with having girlfriends?"

"Because you're amazing." He replied as if it was obvious. "You're amazing, and beautiful. You're smart, and just.. Fun. You're trouble, and that's.. I don't even know." He trailed off with a laugh.

"It was a bad thing when I stole Heather's car." I reminded him. "Now you like it?" He laughed again.

"I guess I've just missed you."

I laughed as well. Leaning over, I kissed him again. I wasn't even sure what I was doing. I didn't want to draw him in like this. He was too good of a person for me to keep this up, but I couldn't help it. He smiled when I leaned back to look at him, and he lightly kissed my forehead.

"I'm going to be in trouble for that." I whispered, and we both laughed this time.

"Do we have spies?" He whispered slyly in return.

"Probably." I confirmed, and he glanced back at the house. "Totally worth it, though."

Sighing, he placed his arm around me gently, pulling me into his side. Closing my eyes, I rested my head against his shoulder. It was impossible to be tense here. I did remember, though.

"So what else?" I asked, lifting my head, and he nodded.

"Not much else." He replied, leaning over a little awkwardly and reaching into his pocket. "I'm just happy I got to see you." Pressed together like this, he kept whatever it was hidden, clutched in his hand as he passed it to me. I kept it low, and looked down at it. It was a cell phone.

My eyes widened a little, but narrowed again in silent confusion. He gave me a small, disappointed smile when I turned the screen on, and the background photo was a picture of Josh.

That answered my questions. Andrew was just the delivery guy. I still kept it low, looking it over. It was no doubt a cheap throwaway phone, but it already had a text message on it.

Aside from making sure the volume of the notifications were completely off, I couldn't help opening the message right then.

_Miss you._ It said. _I hope you're fairing better than I am. I got this for you so we can both stay sane during our prison sentences. Hide it well._

I couldn't help laughing. I looked over at Andrew.

"Thank you." I told him. He smiled in return.

"Just please." He replied, his smile turning sad. "Think about it. What you're doing."

"You worry too much." Reaching up, I slid the phone into the strap of my bra, because it would have been obvious in my pocket. I fixed my shirt to make sure it couldn't be seen.

"Someone should." He countered gently, having watched the whole thing. I would keep this hidden as long as I could. "Oh." He remembered something. Leaning over again, he pulled something out of his other pocket. A ball of wrapped cord. The charger.

"Might need that." I laughed, accepting it. I wasn't sure where to hide it, though. I gave him a look, and he clearly understood. Taking it back, he actually looked around before standing up. Naturally, I followed him.

He rounded the side of the house, and he tossed the ball into the foliage beneath my bedroom window.

I wanted to tell him he had amazing aim, but I didn't dare.

"Leandra." I wasn't surprised when I was summoned back to the porch by Esme.

"You weren't kidding." He said again, and again, we both laughed.

"Just walking." I called back, but I reached over and took Andrew's hand. Leading him back toward the porch. My mom stepped outside as well, and I knew it was time for them to leave.

I leaned over and hugged him again. He laughed quietly, accepting it.

"Take care of yourself." Andrew told me as we faced each other. "When you're ungrounded, we should hang out more." I nodded. I hadn't thought that far ahead yet, but it did present a problem.

Would Josh be pissed about me kissing Andrew? I didn't give it much thought, either. I wasn't sure it mattered.

I stood outside with Esme long enough to see them off, before I turned and made my way back into the house. Thankfully, she didn't seem to be too interested in commenting on what had happened out there. Probably to avoid embarrassing me, which I was grateful for. Plus, I had more important matters to focus on, and it was digging painfully into my chest. I smirked, keeping my eyes down and heading right for my room.

Only to run right into Edward standing casually right outside my room.

I bumped into him, immediately looking up at his expression. He held his hand out, and I could easily see that it would do absolutely no good to try to pretend he didn't know everything I was hiding.

"Fuck.." The word was drawn out in a loud groan, but he chuckled. "This is bullshit."

He continued to hold his hand out, giving me a smug look, so I growled to myself.

"Amusing, isn't it?" He asked as I pulled the phone out and slapped it into his hand.

"No." I grumbled. That little bit of freedom was sure short lived.

"It seems we've come full circle." He replied, looking down at the phone. I looked down as well, watching as he quickly typed out a text message.

_Nice try, Joshua. It's been confiscated._

At least he was nice enough to let Josh know.

"Full circle?" I asked, irritated.

"I recall confiscating something else from you the day we met." He clarified, and I rolled my eyes. Brushing passed him to make it into my room.

"I'm not nine years old anymore." I reminded him, rounding to face him in the doorway.

"Exactly." He replied. "You're old enough to know better."

"I'm old enough to make my own choices." I countered, crossing my arms.

"Yes, but when they're the wrong ones, we're here to step in." He pointed out without missing a beat. "None of us are underestimating you again, Leandra. Stop plotting."

"You don't fight fair."

I turned, fully attempting to slam the door behind me, but to my surprise, it was caught. I looked back, only to spot Ness poking her head into the room.

She had done quite a bit of growing in the last few years, now physically where I was when I first joined the family. Her long hair surpassed mine, and it never seemed to get tangled, no matter how she wore it. It was annoying.

Her smile was genuine, but it pissed me off.

"Hi." She greeted cheerily, but I laid heavily across my bed, fuming. She was always happy. She just perched herself on the bed next to me. I could imagine now what it was like having a younger sister, even if she was always out.

There had to be a way to see Josh. There had to be a way passed everyone. I'd been doing it for years, but how? I looked down at my hand, inspecting every finger if only to pass the time and ignore Ness and her rambling even more thoroughly.

"Cheer up." She nudged me, and I looked over at her. "It's not so bad."

I scoffed. "You've never been grounded, have you?"

"Well.." She paused to think. "No."

"Golden child." I'd made my point.

"You could be too if you just stopped doing bad things." She reasoned gently.

"That's hard to do when I'm a bad person." I countered, and she leaned over to give me a look.

"No you're not." She said confidently. "You're just trying to make everyone think that." I rolled my eyes, pushing myself up off the bed with a heavy sigh. "Really. Family is family. That doesn't go away just because you think it's too hard."

I didn't want it to go away. That was the whole problem.

She smiled again. "My dad-"

"Needs to stay the fuck out of my business." I snapped harder than I meant to, cutting her off. "And you can tell him I fucking said that. While you're at it, you can just take that positivity bullshit and shove it, because that doesn't work on me anymore. If you had any goddamn idea what it's like to live with _half_ of the shit I live with, you'd be right there with me, so shut the fuck up about it."

"Leandra." I wasn't surprised when Esme arrived in the doorway, less than happy at what I had to say. I was surprised, though, when Ness sighed quietly. She didn't seem upset, only sad.

"It's okay." She said, and I glanced over at her. "I know it's not you saying those things."

"You don't know that." I shot back, frowning.

"Yes I do." She argued calmly, watching me as I stood up. I saw a lot of her father in her in that moment. Her expression and voice confident, if not mildly curious. "I know that you've known our family just as long as my mom has. I know.. That where you come from is a lot different than where she came from."

Well, she wasn't wrong.

"I know that before you came here, someone was very mean to you." She went on quietly. Sadly. The confidence was still there, only colored by the sympathy in every word. "And I'm really sorry for that."

"I'm not." I replied to her, and it had the effect I wanted. She stopped talking, no doubt waiting for me to explain. "I'm not sorry, because without that person doing all the things he did to me, there is no way I would have enough _hate_ in the world to be able to leave here in two and a half years. I'm not sorry at all."

"And without him, you wouldn't be here." She pointed out, and it took me a second, but I saw she was right.

Without Jack, I would never have met Carlisle. If it wasn't for Jack treating me the way he treated me, and hitting me the exact way he did, on the day he did five and a half years before, Edward or Alice never would have looked twice at me. It was because of Jack and the way he treated me that made me stand out. Without that, I would have just been another random fourth grader.

"That's true." I finally muttered. "So I'm still not sorry."

"I am." She replied. "I'm still sorry, because nobody should ever have that much hate in them. It _has_ to cause you so much pain."

This time, it was my turn to shut up. The worst part of it was that I knew this wasn't something she was told. It was just her observations over the years. Briefly, I thought about how I acted around here, but this time from her angle. Trying to see it how she would have seen it.

I looked down. Even trying to be okay, the sarcasm and bitterness in the things I would say was a pretty dead give-away.

I had a choice here. I could get mad at her observation, or I could do what I always did.

"Why do you always do that?" I asked instead. My tone was a lot lighter, which told her she won this argument, and she smiled.

"Do what?" She asked innocently.

"Get into my head, even without your gift." I replied firmly. She laughed this time, standing up as well.

"If there's one thing I know about, it's getting into people's heads." She answered smoothly. "It's kinda my thing." I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms. "And by the way, I don't have to tell my dad what you said. He heard the whole thing, and he says to remind you to watch your language around impressionable ears."

"You're not impressionable." I scoffed, sighing. She was anything but.

**A/N: A little less heavy of a chapter this time lol which I'm okay with. :) I hope it was a good one.  
THANK YOU to my AMAZING reviewers! You guys are kicking butt, and without you, these chapters wouldn't be happening. So THANK YOU SO SO SO much!**  
**Once again, the wait for Seven won't be long. I've already got this story finished, so there won't be much of a wait at all. Seven will be interesting, so be prepared for that. ;) **  
**Until Seven, my friends! :D**


	7. Chapter 7

**ImPORTANT NOTE: Some brief adulty moments later, but nothing over the top. Better safe than sorry lol **

**Chapter Seven**

I did a lot of laying around over the next few days. My usual position was laying across my bed, wishing I had something to interrupt the wild train-wreck of thoughts through my head. I was rarely bothered.

For the first time in a long time, my mind felt like it was wearing itself out. I hadn't thought so clearly in quite awhile. I was trying so hard to keep it together, and I started to really see what I'd been made to give up. I missed the silence and slowness.

I still thought it was pretty unfair. I didn't overthink when I was drunk.

My mind was only partly on Andrew. Not because I didn't want to think about him, but because I knew he was okay. Yeah, he'd made his stance pretty clear, but it didn't feel like anything had changed. I still didn't even worry about Josh getting jealous.

That whole mess just made me shake my head. I told myself that I didn't really understand why they were both taking it way too seriously.

The rest of the time, I did what I could to make sense of these emotions. They were fucking everywhere, and I had no idea how to feel. It was scary to note that that hole was still there. It was just as jagged, just as painful, but I was defenseless now. I was unarmed against it, and I was genuinely afraid of falling into it.

The rest was just chaos. The whole situation with Aro brought with it a lot of bitterness, despite this "opportunity" to spend the rest of my time here being an effort to curb that. I was getting angry anyway, but it was the suffocating hopelessness that fueled that. Inside, I was cornered. Outside, it was voluntary.

The shame was next, turning my stomach to ice every time I remembered why I was so miserable. Self blame. Would haves.

It hadn't even been two weeks yet, and I was going nuts. Nothing had changed yet, and the same tension hung on me. That tension was keeping my attitude at full volume. Nothing helped, and I only saw it getting worse.

The worry increased again, and a different type of restlessness began. Being made to stay here was hard on me, considering I had just gone from a week straight of being able to go anywhere whenever I wanted, and just endured withdrawing from nicotine the hard way. I was under so much stress.

I couldn't count the number of silent treatments I'd gotten lately. Alice found, among everything else, the tattoo unforgivable. She muttered to herself often about how limited my fashion options were now. Until I was turned, of course. I didn't hold that against her, but I still really liked it. Just the amount of intricate detail was amazing enough, much less how real it looked. Even more now that it was completely healed.

The one still pissed at me specifically was Rosalie. She couldn't stand how stupid I was, and how careless I'd been. I hadn't tried to talk to her yet either, though. I was still pretty dazed and coming to terms with everyone knowing everything, and didn't really want to attempt to talk to her. I knew that wouldn't end well for anyone. Probably least of all, me.

I knew, of course, that I wasn't cared about any less, but the disappointment was still very heavy. I could sense it myself. Nobody needed to say anything.

Mikah was proving to be one manipulative son-of-a-bitch. He always got his way, no matter what mood I was in. He spoke my language, and by using those eyes, and that tone of voice, he could get me to do just about anything he wanted. He never overstepped, and it was always something for my benefit, but I still hated him for it. I hated him for it, because I knew all too well how well that worked. Having used that tactic several times myself.

He was better at it.

He was never far from me, and the way he watched me was a little hard to describe to myself at first. I eventually settled on a mix of two things.

The way he watched me reminded me of someone intensely fascinated by some animal in a cage, as if waiting for it to do something amazing, and someone watching me as if expecting to have to yank me out of the way of some certain death. Aro obviously chose well when recruiting him. Mikah really took his job seriously.

Even alone, I wasn't really alone. I knew someone, mainly Mikah was listening for any hint I was about to die or be mortally wounded.

There was sort of a hesitant truce standing between my family and Mikah. They had no choice but to allow him to stay, but I had a feeling it wasn't only that keeping him here. I couldn't tell yet, though. I usually chose to avoid watching him, hoping that would keep him from watching me so closely. A moot hope, but hope nonetheless.

I was surviving on my last nerve. Clinging to that last little nerve like my life depended on it. Constantly seconds away from exploding.

But I knew better than to complain. I'd brought it on myself.

Today was worse than usual. I hadn't slept well the night before, and I was starting to get desperate. Over and over, in my head, I worded and reworded my argument for freedom. I was very unhappy, and I was going to ask again. Beg, would be the more accurate word.

I wanted so bad to leave the house and just go do something, but I couldn't. Not with half of the family gone hunting, and the nearly sunny day keeping the rest in the house.

I was as limited as they were.

"Would you light somewhere?" Jasper asked, irritated by my irritation. 'Light somewhere' meant to stop pacing. Sit still. He very rarely used that term, but today definitely called for it.

"No." I replied flatly. "If you're going to keep me here, I'm going to bug the living hell out of you. That's how this works, because I'm fucking bored."

"Language." Mikah corrected from where he sat still.

"Get used to it." I snapped at him, and he smirked.

"You haven't eaten much today." He pointed out. "Do you need to eat?"

I ignored him, continuing to pace. I wasn't hungry. I wanted out.

"Sleep?" Mikah offered instead. Again, I ignored him, so he sighed. "Princess-"

"Fuck off." I muttered, making my way out onto the porch instead. I knew without a single doubt that he'd follow.

I only moved far enough to lean on the porch railing. I wasn't looking for a fight yet, despite how desperate I was. I didn't quite feel like breaking my hand against his stupid face.

I ignored Mikah as he came to stand beside me. To my surprise, though, he didn't try talking. He just stood there with me as if he was perfectly content. He looked around as well, idly scanning the yard and trees beyond.

After several silent moments, I just looked over at him. It took him another moment to notice, looking over at me as well.

"What?" He asked. "Aren't we brooding?"

"God, _why_ are you such an ass?" I couldn't help snapping again, standing upright.

"To keep you on your toes." He smiled, standing upright as well. "Is it working?"

"All it's doing is making me hate you." I replied firmly. "I don't even know why I liked you."

"Because I'm adorable." He didn't miss a beat. I set my jaw hard, in an attempt not to smile at that reply.

"No." I snapped back, but I couldn't completely hide the tremble of laughter from the word. "You're annoying. There's a difference."

He chuckled, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry." He finally said. "If you want me to leave you alone, I can pretend to do so."

"Then pretend." I immediately replied. "_That_ way, somewhere."

"As you wish." He nodded, still smiling. "Let me know if you need anything."

I rolled my eyes, returning to the railing. He turned and walked away. Back into the house, which I was okay with. I took that opportunity to leave the porch and head for my tree house.

Before I could do more than grip the rope to pull myself up, I had another idea. I wondered how far Mikah's pretending went. For the sake of something to do, I tested it. I wanted to see what would happen.

Instead of climbing up, I started to run. I found the paved drive, which made it easier.

I really pushed it, running as fast as I could, but I knew it wouldn't be fast enough. I'd known that starting out, but it was still fun.

Sure enough, I looked over to spot Mikah running along beside me, but I wasn't really trying to out-run him. It just felt good to run. Like stretching after being asleep for a long time. I felt muscles burning that I hadn't felt in a long time.

I was pretty out of shape, though, so I did eventually have to stop to laugh and breathe heavily. Of course, coughing was part of that, but that didn't take away from it.

I couldn't help staying put for a second before Mikah approached. Wishing so much I could just keep going. I hated my leash so much, but somehow I knew that now wasn't the time.

"What was that?" Mikah asked, not in the slightest bit winded. He was smirking, though, so he wasn't bugged.

"I wanted to run." I panted. "Not to get anywhere. Just to run."

He nodded. "Is this normal?"

"It used to be." I laughed breathlessly, and he smiled. "But let's walk back." Of course, he agreed.

"What else used to be normal?" He asked as we started back toward the house.

"Well.." I paused to think. "Running. When my family first started letting me out on my own, I used to be able to make it a lot farther."

It was a little strange, talking to him like a person again when I'd just yelled at him minutes before. It was like as soon as he told me he had been promoted to guard duty, all walls were up, but it felt like right then that a few had come down. I noticed it, and it was suspicious, but I didn't stop it.

"I've always had a hard time staying in one place." I went on. "Even before you started watching me. I think it had a lot to do with.." I cut myself off, changing what I was going to say. "Where I came from."

He looked over, but I kept my eyes ahead. I'd been getting pretty good at saying Jack's name, but today, I flinched away from it. He must have caught it.

"Before you came to your family?" He asked almost hesitantly.

"Yeah." I sighed, still catching my breath a little. "I was never allowed out there. Not that I could get anywhere if I wanted to." I trailed off, briefly remembering the intense pain I was always in. It was a memory I hated, but looked back on sometimes. I should have looked back on it a little more, if only to remind myself how lucky I was not to be there anymore.

"So this isn't new?" He asked. "Going out on your own?" I appreciated the gentle way he changed the subject. Not like he didn't care, but like he was herding me toward a lighter conversation.

"Definitely not." I replied. "I got pretty used to wandering around on my own while they were gone a few years ago, so when they came back and I got to come back home, they thought it was something I still needed. I mean, I did, so they weren't wrong."

"I see." He nodded. "But you've never been in trouble like this before?"

I paused to think.

"Eh.." I allowed. "Yes, but not really. I got into a lot of trouble for that- Hey." I suddenly remembered, so I cut myself off. I stopped walking. He stopped immediately as well, looking at me. "I meant to ask you. Remember the second time you came back to check on me? The night of the fire at Josh's house?"

"I remember." He confirmed, waiting patiently.

"You said you caught the guy." I prompted, and he nodded.

"I did. He was pretty fast for a human, but there was no mistaking it was him." He seemed a little curious.

"What did he look like?" I asked, and though he paused for a second, it wasn't too long.

"Well, a little taller than me." He replied. "Dark brown hair. Pretty young. Late 20's, possibly 30's?" He smiled a little. "I didn't think to ask his name."

None of that description fit Ken, so it confirmed what I was thinking. I was about to reply, when he spoke again.

"Is there a problem?" He asked, and I shook my head.

"No, just a little surprised." I answered. "That's all. I thought it was someone else."

It didn't really bother me to find this out, and he could clearly tell, because he let it drop.

I just didn't know who that could have been, though. The only part about it that bothered me was that I'd been wrong all these years. Ken must have really been moving on with his life if I never got any hints that he was still alive.

We started walking again.

"But no." I continued. "I've never been in this kind of trouble before. I mean, before all that crap with Aro happened, I went out just to get out. Andrew has always been who I went to when I wanted to feel normal, the place I went when I didn't want to face everything else. I guess around them I didn't have to face who I was."

He was quiet, listening to every word.

"That got harder to do when I started getting this stupid gift." I murmured. "I had a hard time with it in the beginning. Probably because as soon as I started getting it, everything started going wrong. I had things trying to warn me left and right, and that just made it that much harder to work with, you know?"

"I can't imagine how hard that must have been." He replied gently.

"Since then, well, it's more of a part of my every day thoughts. It blends in now." I went on. "I'm usually smarter than I was that night. Normally, I listen to it. I just didn't want you to be right." I smiled a little, looking over at him.

He smiled as well. "Is it too late for an 'I told you so'?"

"Nope." I replied tightly and we both laughed. "I just miss Josh the most, because I didn't have to tell him anything. He just knew. That kind of thing is nice to have with someone."

"You don't have to tell me anything." He offered with a smile, and I smirked as well.

"Really?" I asked skeptically.

"Really."

"Are you a mind reader now?" I asked. "Won't Edward be surprised?"

He chuckled. "Try me."

"I've never asked." I remembered. "Do you have a gift?"

"Nope." He replied easily.

"Oh, so I outrank you?" I joked, and he laughed again.

"I wouldn't say that."

"I would." I teased. "Do _you_ have your own body guard?"

By the way he didn't respond, choosing only to smile I knew I'd won.

"So.." I went on. "Does that mean you work for me? Like you have to do what I tell you?"

"Definitely not." He replied. "I'll do things for you, within reason, but I won't do absolutely everything you say."

"Damn." I said. "It was worth a try."

We both laughed as we made it back to the house. I stopped walking, and hesitantly turned to look at him.

"You've gotta be the most patient person on the planet." I couldn't help pointing out.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you're not completely sick of me yet." I answered, and he smirked.

"Nah." He waved it off. "Sure, you're a little moody, but I think you have plenty of reasons to be." I smiled a little and shrugged. "I actually think your family are the most patient people on the planet."

"Because they've put up with me since I was nine?"

"You said it, not me." He held his hands up, and I couldn't help laughing.

"I wasn't always like this, you know." I defended myself lightly. "I used to be almost tolerable."

"You still are." He said. "You've definitely got personality."

"Oh, how flattering." I joked, pretending to swoon a little.

"Really." He insisted. "Where's that eleven-year-old at?"

"A fourteen-year-old pain in the ass replaced her." I answered. "The kind of pain in the ass that feels almost nothing real and lives on sarcasm and lies." It was meant as another joke, but he wasn't stupid.

"You deserve better, Leandra." He told me softly.

"Do you know anything about my life before this?" I gestured behind me at the house.

"I know enough to know that you do deserve better." He replied, sliding his hands into his pockets. That was the most human action I'd ever seen from him.

"If you knew enough, you'd know that I don't." I laughed. "But thanks for playing."

"No, you really do." He insisted, and we started walking again.

"Okay, then." I sniffed. "What exactly do I deserve? Aro?"

That seemed to shut him up.

"You can't answer that." I understood and he looked over apologetically. "I get it." Casually, I reached over and shoved him. "Sorry I got you into this."

"I'm not." He admitted, and it was my turn to look over at him. "I finally get to spend some time with you, no matter how worried your family is about it. That's not to say I don't respect them. I just missed you."

I snorted. "Why?"

"I just did." He shrugged. "There's a reason I had to keep coming back."

"No matter how pissed your friend got, right?" I recalled, and he nodded.

"Oh, he wasn't happy, but he understood." He chuckled. "He's still a good friend. He just chose to keep going. He was the one that changed me."

I blinked in surprise. I hadn't known I had come between him and his friend.

"Why didn't you just go with him?" I asked, curious now. "It couldn't just be because I reminded you of your family."

He laughed, shrugging again. "I just felt like I needed to stick around. I probably would have kept coming back, even if I hadn't run into Aro. That's why he chose me to watch you. Because it was my choice anyway."

"But why?" I pressed. "Come on. You can tell me."

When he fell silent, I reached over and grabbed his arm. He looked down as I pulled his hand out of his pocket, and placed my hand in his. He instinctively held mine in return, adding the lightest bit of pressure, but he was confused. Like he hadn't expected me to do that.

"Come on." I pressed again, smiling. He shook off his surprise, and laughed again. "Okay, I'll just say this. I was glad you kept coming back. I know it sounds stupid, like _really_ stupid, but I felt something. Like.. I don't know-"

"A connection?" He guessed, and I nodded.

"That." I replied. "Not like.. Not in a weird way, but like a comfortable way. Like it was a relief to see you. Not just because I met you right after I ran away from Ken, but because I was finally seeing you."

Involuntarily, I thought back to that day as I looked down. It was such a crazy day, and though the threats Ken made still chilled me, the memory of meeting Mikah that day warmed me up. Like a soothing compress. I'd never really had that before, so that memory was a good one for me.

I looked over, and he was smiling a little.

"I felt it too." He admitted. "Probably not the best thing to admit to, but it wasn't weird. You were familiar, even as a little human."

I laughed and nodded. It was nice to know I wasn't alone. "I could tell."

His voice softened. "That's why it bothered me so bad to see you doing those things, princess. To see you treat yourself so poorly, and putting yourself through those things.. Well, it was hard."

I sighed. I couldn't exactly tell him to shut up. He was entitled to feel the way he felt. That was probably where I was going so wrong. I kept forgetting that people were allowed to feel the way they felt about me and what I'd done. It wasn't like I could just tell them to get over it. My feelings about it weren't the only ones that mattered here.

"I know." I muttered. "I just didn't know what else to do. I still don't."

"Well, whatever you do, don't try to do it alone." He advised. "Just stop. You're clearly not meant to bear it all by yourself."

"Oh, clearly." I laughed, but it faded. "I'm not even sure I know how to stop."

He raised our connected hands. "This is a start."

"I'm surprised we're allowed." I smiled, unable to help it. "I would have thought-"

"Leandra." Jasper was at the door. Mikah and I both laughed as we turned toward the door, and I raised our hands. It was exactly that that made Jasper uncomfortable, given the way he crossed his arms and raised his brow at the same time.

"Apparently, no contact." I said, and Mikah smirked.

I laughed again, and though I hesitated, I eventually released his hand. He wasn't offended, given his chuckle as he released mine in return. Raising his hands toward Jasper in surrender.

I turned and started back toward the house.

Mikah laughed, but he let me walk back to the house by myself. I glanced back to see him still standing there, watching me. It was hard to read his expression. His smile was definitely still there, but it had softened in what looked like sadness.

I didn't blame him, because I understood it completely. I'd felt it before.

I made it up the porch steps, passed Jasper and into the house through the side door. The living room was vacant now, aside from Jasper walking in behind me, but that didn't stop me from speaking.

"Sorry I was such a bitch." I called to the house, knowing full well they all heard me. Confirmed by Emmett's distinct laughter up the stairs.

"Understatement, shorty." Emmett called back. "But we love you anyway."

I smiled, continuing on to the kitchen. He got my sense of humor. He always had.

"No contact." Jasper called after me. I knew why that was, so I didn't expect him to follow me.

I was almost sad to see that moment end, though. It had been nice to have a conversation with someone like that again. It reminded me of the way Josh and I would effortlessly talk.

Maybe that's why Jasper chose to interrupt. He saw I was getting too comfortable, too casual when I needed to be careful.

Shaking my head, I grabbed a glass from the cabinet.

I had to admit that running had helped my mood. Like it made me feel less boxed in, even if I couldn't go far, and I could breathe. Maybe I could make that a daily occurrence. I was worried, though. I couldn't exactly take that moment back. I was getting soft. Something I couldn't allow myself to do. Every instinct I had in me told me to rebuild those walls.

I didn't last out in the open. I returned to my room. I missed Josh so much, I was almost ready to cry. He'd become such a huge part of my life, cutting him out like that caused me real pain.

I hadn't eaten much today, so by the time dinner rolled around, I wasn't surprised when Mikah himself chose to come and collect me. I looked over from where I laid reading on my bed as he just walked into my room.

"Come eat, princess."

"Fuck off, Mikah." I replied calmly in reflex.

"You're very free with that word, aren't you?" I didn't bother looking over. "Are you even aware of what that means?"

"More than you know." I muttered, turning the page. "One of these days, I'll teach you to knock before coming into my room. I'll lay here completely naked, and you'll think twice about just walking in."

"That wouldn't bother me in the least." He said. "I'm very good at turning a blind eye. Back onto the subject, you believe that understanding a word's meaning, however vulgar, entitles you to fling it at anyone who crosses you in whatever way?" He now stood beside the bed, clearly amused. I was prickly again, despite our conversation earlier, and he must have figured that out.

"I do." I muttered. I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head as I realized I'd read the same line three times. Looking up at him, I sighed. "You're very distracting."

He smirked. "I'm perfectly aware of that."

"Please just leave me alone." I sighed, finally laying my book to the side. "I'm still not that hungry."

"What's bothering you?" He asked, crossing his arms lightly.

"What do you think?" I asked in response, a little less attitude in my tone. "I'm so _bored_. I used to see people. Talk to people. People that didn't constantly remind me of my _obligations_."

He actually seemed to feel bad for me.

"All I wanted to do was live while I could live." I grumbled, looking down at my hands. "I get why I'm grounded. I was trying to live a little _too_ much." I forced a laugh. "Then again, I've never really done anything half way."

"Am I actually seeing true remorse?" He seemed partly surprised, smiling. That, unfortunately, gave me an idea. The weak link. The chip in the wall keeping me from freedom.

I had seconds to decide which way I wanted to take this. I could be honest, and say I was actually remorseful, or I could take the challenge he presented me with. He was confident. He thought he'd won. It was my job to show him that he hadn't. Not yet.

I shrugged. If I outright agreed, that would seem too much like a plan. Something I couldn't let him see. If I denied, that wouldn't be smart. I shrugged, letting him decide on his own what he was seeing.

"Not like it matters." I muttered bitterly. "I'll probably never be able to try again. I blew it."

When he stood there quietly for a few seconds, I knew I'd hooked him. He showed all the signs. Cue the violin music. I only glanced at him before I sighed and laid down with my back turned to him.

"Come eat something, princess." He was diverting the conversation because he felt bad for me and he was uncomfortable.

"Really." I grumbled. "I'm not that hungry, Mikah." I would skip a meal if it meant squeezing just a little bit more pity into this.

I was suddenly lifted, and I squealed in surprise as Mikah threw me over his shoulder as if I weighed three pounds.

If there was one thing I hated, it was being _moved_. If I was going to go anywhere, it had to be on my terms, and the fact that Mikah completely disregarded that pissed me off. My little plan forgotten for right then.

I was shouting every curse word I could think of as he left the room. Human paced, probably just to draw this out. I was pissed, but he was very amused. It seemed as if everything I did these days amused or entertained him.

He sat me down on a seat at the counter in the kitchen, and I immediately spun, trying to hop off and start swinging, but I nearly hit the floor as I stumbled. He caught me, but that wasn't okay either. If I was going to fall, I'd fucking fall. I hit at his hands, managing to stagger to my feet and listening to his chuckle.

"I had no idea your vocabulary was so colorful." Esme murmured. "I'm surprised at you, Leandra."

"I suppose I deserved it." Mikah chuckled, capturing my hitting hands easily. "She was given no warning." I tugged at my wrists.

"If I wanted to eat, I would have come out here on my own, you son-of-a-bitch!"

"Temper, temper." He scolded lightly, smirking. "Breathe, human."

"Fuck you!" I barked back at him. "I'll breathe when I damn well fucking please, thank you very goddamn much!"

"What'd you do to her?" Emmett was suddenly there. "It's been awhile since she's been this pissed off."

"I picked her up." Mikah chuckled. "I have to do this more often."

"You know what, you can just go fu-"

Spinning me around quickly to stand with my back against him, his hand covered my mouth, which only pissed me off even more. I shouted louder behind his hand.

"So." Mikah looked to Esme conversationally, ignoring my thrashing and holding me easily. "I've been thinking."

"What about?" She asked in return, looking from me to him.

"I think it's just a little cruel." He murmured. "To keep her here non-stop. I mean, even house pets get walked now and then, don't they?" I only shouted louder, more curse words muffled by his hand.

"You know as well as I do she'll only find some way to get herself into trouble." Esme reasoned with a sigh. "I hate keeping her here also, but I'm hesitant to let her out again."

"She's been doing so well, though." Mikah smirked down at me.

"That's because she's been detoxing." Emmett grumbled bitterly. My next round of curses were directed at him. He seemed to find that entertaining as well. His bitter mood lightened just a little, and he smirked. "Okay, I approve." He pointed to me and I glared heatedly at him. Growling a little in my frustrated groan. Emmett found that especially amusing.

Mikah wasn't hurting me, which was the only reason behind him being able to continue holding me. He was just keeping me from shouting very offensive things, and perhaps getting myself into more trouble.

"So I was thinking." Mikah continued. "Perhaps she's earned a short walk of her own. She stays out of town, but she can wander. Supervised, of course. We wouldn't want her to find something she shouldn't, would we?"

I started to catch onto what he was doing, so I settled. I wore myself out, standing there panting through my nose. He was negotiating. He was clearly trying to make this whole thing easier on me, so I decided to shut up. He was following along with my plan. I needed the leash held just a little looser.

"Not tonight." Esme shook her head. "I really don't think-"

"Tomorrow." Mikah offered instead. "She still has to eat, but I think tomorrow would be better." She still seemed hesitant, but by the look she gave him, I knew she was considering it.

When I stopped cussing so much, he easily released me. I turned briefly to shove him, but that was about it before I returned to my seat. He barely glanced at me, ignoring my shove completely.

I hated to admit it, but now that I was here, I was pretty hungry, and cooperating now was in my best interest.

The thing was, though, he had no idea what he was doing. I refused to let on. I continued to pout, but he was giving me an opening. He was swaying the family to let me out with him watching me. Maybe they'd be lenient enough to let only him tail me. It was his job, after all.

Pieces of my impulsive plan were falling into place. It was perfect.

They agreed that I wouldn't go far enough to warrant the need for a full group to follow. Mikah was the one to trail after me, still confident he was on the winning side.

I wasn't allowed into town, but I'd go there anyway. If this worked, I'd be free to run off as I pleased until someone with more tolerance could find me and wrangle me.

So, the following day, I was patient all morning. I waited for the perfect opportunity, and it showed up right around noon. I waited for the sun to make an appearance, and I left the house at a jog. I wandered. More like headed straight for a place I wanted to be. I was more nervous each step I took, but I knew exactly what I was going to do.

He wouldn't want to come anywhere near humans, unless he wanted to cover the color of his eyes, so I knew he wouldn't follow. There was also plenty of daylight, and they would see that right away. During the night, there was a chance they could overlook the crimson of his eyes. The clouds worked in his favor, but his physical appearance didn't.

I got to the very edge of town before he was suddenly beside me.

"That's far enough, princess." He took my arm lightly in his hand, pulling me to a stop. Just like I expected him to. I braced myself and took a breath.

Don't do it, I told myself. This is stupid. So stupid. Don't do it, I told myself, but I also had to wonder what it would be like.

This bordered insanity, and I knew that, but I hoped he knew his own limits.

He was talking to me, but I waited until his mouth was closed before I did it. He was waiting for me to reply, amused by the way he looked at me. Right where I needed him to be. He was trying to be manipulative, but it wouldn't work.

Leaning in quickly, I pressed my lips firmly to his. Even as quick as I was, I still had time to feel him tense, and freeze.

The smooth stone under my lips felt so different, but I liked it enough to lose my breath.

He froze, and I was there for only a split second. Just hardly long enough to feel him stiffen before he was suddenly gone with a loud growl. It took me a second to regain my senses, and I hadn't even realized how I sat on the ground now, having slid to a sitting position against the tree behind me. Seconds away from passing out, given my pounding heart, and breathing quick and shallow.

With my experience kissing Josh, I had thought there for one stupid second that kissing Mikah would have been just as easy. I had never expected a reaction that strong in myself. I honestly felt like crying, which was so very strange to me.

The first part of my plan had worked. It got him to run, but I was stuck. Almost paralyzed there on the ground. My legs wouldn't hold me, and the stupidest smile formed on my face.

A confusing mix of adrenaline, and almost fear, along with a ton of other things went through me that I had no name for. It gave me the biggest rush I'd ever had. Better than any drug I'd used to get high, or better than anything I'd ever had to drink. Better than running off unnoticed, or getting a tattoo.

There was absolutely nothing better. Nothing that could even compare.

"Holy shit." I managed to mutter to myself, unable to get the smile from my face. I looked around me, seeing Mikah nowhere. My mind seemed to remember how to work, and I knew I had a very limited time to do this.

Taking a deep shaky breath, I stood up, and immediately started to run. Using that adrenaline to my advantage.

"Leandra, dammit." I heard him call behind me, but would he risk stopping me himself? Given the fact that I was still free to run, I knew he wouldn't. Even with my very limited practice recently, I was able to run a good distance.

I made it into town, and broke out right into the sunlight before I allowed myself to stop running for a moment to catch my breath. It was a rather warm and pleasant day, especially for early September, and I was doing good. I looked back the way I came, and saw nothing.

I was free. My plan had worked. Granted, that freedom only lasted as long as the sunlight stayed, but for right then, I could do whatever I wanted. I could even get myself lost if I wanted to. It would take them awhile to find me if I chose to cover my tracks as well as I had in the past, but there was only one place I wanted to go.

I approached Josh's house rather hesitantly. I wasn't sure if Heather was working today or not, but to my luck, I didn't see her car in the driveway. I didn't see hers, but I did see Mark's, so I couldn't just walk right up and knock on the door. Not that it was any mystery to my family where I would go, but I knew Josh was grounded as well.

I briefly considered just going over to Kevin's house myself, but without Josh, it didn't entice me. I needed him too.

I stood there, at a loss for maybe a minute, before the front door opened. I scurried forward and crouched behind the neighbor's hedge at the far edge of the yard. I had to smile at the sight of Mark making his way to his car. Keys in hand, obviously about to go somewhere. I waited patiently for him to leave.

I waited just long enough to know he was around the corner before making my way to the front door. I reached for the knob right as the door opened in front of me. I jumped, looking up as Josh stopped in his tracks at the sight of me.

He was just as surprised as I was, and we both grinned at the same time. Seeing him again after what felt like _so_ long was an immediate relief. He stepped forward first, and wrapped me tightly in a hug I'd been needing since we last saw each other. He immediately wrapped me up, and lifted me off my feet. I'd missed him more than words could describe. He was the one light I still looked for.

He'd missed me too. I felt it in his hug, and heard it in the sound of his sigh. Now that he was hugging me, I felt like half of me was back.

"I'm sorry." He whispered into my hair. "I'm so sorry, Leandra." He was still apologizing for not being closer to me that night. Everything had been going so well. Things were so messed up and everywhere at once, and running full speed ahead on a burning and crumbling track, but in all of that, I'd never felt more right.

Feeling his arms around me again was all I'd wanted. I couldn't explain the feeling to anyone if I even tried. I was bad for him, but he was the one holding onto me. He held the rope, holding me to earth. He kept me holding on, more than anyone, and he didn't even know it.

Now that he was back, even for a moment, I was blinded again by the light. The sunlight in the middle of the darkest night, the weight holding me down in the storm. I wasn't alone anymore, because he refused to let me.

He'd promised me years ago that no matter what, everything would be okay because he'd make sure of it. I had no clue how he could even begin to fulfill that promise, but I saw it now. I held a much deeper appreciation for what I had, and even if I could never do the things I'd been doing again, as long as I had him with me, I didn't need anything else.

"How did you get out?" Josh asked, stepping back far enough to look at me.

"Long story." I laughed. "What about you? Where were you going?"

"Out." He smiled sheepishly. "My dad's going to be gone for awhile, so I thought I'd go too."

"Anywhere but here?" I asked, understanding.

"Yeah." He replied easily. I stepped back and let him walk out. He closed the door behind him, and I found I was more than okay with taking a walk with him.

"I'm sorry if I got you into trouble. With the phone." He told me as we made it to the sidewalk. Apparently, we would be cutting across the park. "My mom never took mine, but I knew yours was."

"Nah." I replied. "Edward caught me, but I don't think he told on me." He shook his head.

"They're good." He sighed, and I laughed.

"I told you they were." I reminded him. "You know how hard it was for me to throw them off for as long as I have."

"I know." He remembered.

"As soon as they found out what I was doing, it was instant lock down." I went on, sighing as well.

I followed him across the back road and across the sidewalk. Straight passed the small fence separating the park from this little subdivision.

"Pretty much same for us." Josh admitted as we started across the back field, and I looked over. "Probably not as closely as you, though. At least we've been able to get out now and then."

"In those magical moments when your mom and dad are both at work or something." I understood, and he laughed. "Must be nice."

We walked at a normal pace. Taking our time, because neither of us seemed to want to rush. I liked the feeling of the grass under my feet, but every bit of me knew full well I was being watched. There was no way I couldn't be, but since it was sunny, it would be pretty difficult for them to capture me. Even before, they wouldn't risk it.

Watched or not, I was going to enjoy this time with him. Reaching over, I took his hand in mine. When he squeezed mine in return, I didn't care about being in more trouble later. I knew I'd made the right choice. I would have done whatever it took to get back to this spot.

He looked over at me, and I looked over at him. He smiled, and I couldn't help returning it. I laughed, mostly at how corny it was as I looked away again.

"So what do you want to do?" Josh asked. "Whatever you want."

"What I really want to do is get lost." I admitted.

"You're stuck there." He sighed. "You weren't built for grounded."

"Thing is, they know it." I replied. "Being stuck with nothing but my thoughts all the damn time is driving me crazy."

He was quiet as we continued walking along. The sunlight warming me, but at the same time, I knew my time with him was limited.

"So let's get lost." He suggested, and I looked over. "Without your phone, and without really knowing you, there are places all over this town that we can hide out if we really wanted to."

A time not so long ago, I would have been very tempted, but what he was talking about wasn't simple anymore.

"That won't work." I muttered sadly. "Trust me. I've lived on my own before. It's definitely not all it's hyped up to be. Living on the streets sucks, Josh. We'd need money, a place to stay, ways to get around.."

"But you're miserable." He reasoned, and we stopped walking. "I can get all of that." I looked up at him, incredibly confused. He was being serious.

"That doesn't mean I can just run away, Josh." I pointed out. "Yeah, for a few hours maybe, but I do have to go back."

"My mom found a way to live on her own at sixteen." He urged. "We can too." Stunned, I was speechless for a few seconds.

"Did she tell you why?" I asked, still surprised.

"Something about hating her family." He replied. "They were making her miserable, just like you are."

"Not even close." I nearly gasped. He really had no idea just how bad it'd been for her. "I think you have the wrong idea. I'm miserable, but only because I'm making myself that way. I love my family, and believe it or not, I don't _want_ to hurt them. My family would worry themselves sick, and so would yours." Telling him that really made me rethink the whole situation. "What's going on with you? It's usually me that comes up with the bad ideas."

"I don't know." He sighed, shaking his head. "I think I just miss you." I sighed as well, hugging him easily. He returned it tightly, holding onto me.

"I miss you too." More than he knew.

"I hate this." He was taking it just as hard as I was, and I suddenly wished it was still just that simple. I wished we could go through with his plan, but I also knew how bad it sucked. I couldn't do that. I couldn't let him do that.

"I do too." I admitted anyway. I couldn't help it. I stood there for longer than I knew I should. I was wasting time, and we were still out in the open.

I eventually pulled back enough to look up at him. In the sunlight like we were, his eyes had never been clearer. The ice blue I was so used to seeing. As much as I hated Jack's eyes, Josh's was so similar, and had never brought me harm.

He was sad, though. I had to fix it.

"I have a few hours." I told him. "Let's get lost."

He gave me a smile, and a nod, and with our hands linked, we set off. I knew, without even asking, where he was leading me. The rest of the way through the park, and toward the street. With the weather nice, there were more people out than usual.

I knew my family would have no problem actually finding me, but they couldn't just go in and grab me without a whole lot of questions about _how_. To a normal human, we'd be untraceable, and they had to play by the human rules.

We took the back roads, and found our way to the abandoned barn with ease. This was the best place to be alone. The grass and foliage around here was tall, thick. Overgrown with the lack of use. The barn itself was pretty run down, and it looked like any good gust of wind would send it toppling over, but it had held this long.

Walking in, I instantly sighed at being concealed, but Josh had another plan. I watched as he made his way off to the side while I slid the door shut.

He pulled a tin box out of the old hay against the far corner, and I bit my lip while I wandered closer. I knew what was in there. That box had plenty of history. I wanted to protest, but I stayed quiet. I watched as he lit the one joint in there first, standing there awkwardly as he stood up and offered it to me.

I hesitated, but he didn't back down. He wasn't pressuring me, but he was giving me time to decide. I was out here for the first time in awhile. It would be awhile before I could come back. Might as well make the most of it, and at least this wasn't addictive.

I reasoned with myself for only a few seconds, before I took it from him. A few hits wouldn't hurt.

For all I knew, my family had already tracked me down, but I didn't care. I had my own little protective bubble-barn. We both found a seat against the wall, most shielded from the outside. Inside this barn, we were completely hidden, letting me fool myself for right then.

I'd missed this so much. This was easy. Unlike how it'd been at that party. The feeling was completely different when it was just me and him. Without a word, he reached down and took my hand. Just holding it.

That worked for a little while, but eventually, I lifted his arm and scooted into his side. His arm landed around my shoulders, and his hand played in my hair. We sat there together for several silent minutes.

"I'm going to be in so much trouble." I muttered finally. I couldn't believe how relaxed I was, but by then, the smell was so far in my clothes, it would take washing them to get it out good enough for them not to find it. Short of jumping in the nearest lake, I didn't really have a way to wash them.

I was going to be in trouble, but I couldn't make myself care. I was in trouble anyway. I offered the joint back to him. He could have the last of it.

"Me too." He laughed a little, taking it from me, and for some reason, that was funny. We had a lighthearted laugh about it for a few seconds before it faded. I rested my head against his shoulder, and my eyes closed.

"It could be like this all the time." He pointed out, referring to our discussion earlier, and I rolled my eyes a little.

"Shut up." I laughed, sitting forward. I kneeled up and sat myself straddled across his lap. He laughed as well, shaking his head at me.

"I'm just saying." He wrapped his arms around me, just resting them there. The most casual thing in the world.

"Telling me to run away with you is like asking me to marry you." I pointed out. "Can't do it."

"Well, why not?" He asked with a little shrug. "What if I was asking you to marry me?"

"I'm fourteen."

"I didn't mean _tomorrow_, weirdo." He teased and we both laughed.

"I told you that I'm not-"

"You're not a girlfriend." He finished for me. "I know, but you could be a wife." I actually laughed at the thought, but through his own brief laughter, he went on. "I mean it. I'm serious. I'll marry you."

It took me a second, but I realized he was being sincere. For a second, I didn't know what to say.

"What do you think?" He asked, playful again. "A long time from now, when we're both grown up, we'll meet back here at this spot, and I'll marry you right then and there." I couldn't help smiling at the thought. "Let's say.. In five years."

It took it a few seconds, but that reminded me so much of the previous five year agreement that I was in the middle of. I wasn't sure what to feel, but my small smile faded quickly.

Somehow, that reminder really got to me. I hadn't ever really given much thought to what _else_ I'd be losing out on. It was never more clear exactly how much Aro was taking away from me. I couldn't answer him, because to be honest, it wasn't that the answer was no. It wasn't that I didn't want to, as weird as that was to consider.

I looked down. I needed to get a better hold of myself. Of course he could read my expression, and I could tell he knew that my mood had dropped. He was confused.

"What's wrong?" He asked, and I closed my eyes for a few seconds. I took those few seconds to figure out which way I wanted to take it.

"Nothing." I sighed, forcing a smile.

"Was it something I said?"

"No, nothing. It's nothing." I forced a believable laugh. "I just.."

"Unless you really do wanna do it tomorrow.." He was making a joke, and for a second, it worked. It got a real laugh out of me. Before I could look back down, he was kissing me.

With him like this, it was so hard to remember that I had a reason to be depressed. He was the one that always made everything go away. Andrew was nice, but he didn't let me escape like Josh did. Andrew was the one that would drop everything to help me through my issues. Josh let me hide from them.

So of course I kissed him back, and for several minutes, I forgot. I didn't have to think. I got to pretend that my family wasn't waiting impatiently to drag me back home. I could pretend that the rest of my entire life wasn't already decided. Right there, I didn't have to hate myself because Josh definitely didn't hate me. Right here, I didn't have to feel anything but his arms around me, lightly tugging on my hair and his lips on mine. For a moment, I was lost.

I didn't want to let that go. A sense of desperation kept me going. I wanted to stay right there as long as I could, but I also forgot to consider what I was doing to him. What kind of idea I was giving him by sitting there as long as I was. The wrong idea.

His arms held me tighter, and he was getting tense. The kisses were harder, and that was my first clue. As nice as it was, I noticed.

When it did cross my mind, I abruptly ended it. Removing myself from his lap and sitting to the side once more. For the first time, he groaned in what actually sounded like frustration, and I had to look over at him. At first, I worried I might have hurt him, but as close as it was, that hadn't been a pained sound.

One glance was all it took to figure out what his particular problem was.

"Are you okay?" I asked hesitantly, and he forced a laugh.

"I will be." He laid his head back. "Just need a minute."

"Sorry." I said in reply, smiling apologetically. I really did feel bad, because I wasn't stupid. I knew exactly why he made that sound, but he also did understand. Understanding fully, though, didn't mean he wasn't a guy.

I sighed, taking note of my own racing heart, biting my lip as I looked away. I didn't really understand, though. I knew exactly what his problem was, but I'd never felt quite like this before. That was a little scary, so I was happy to give him his time.

Probably knowing I felt bad, he went back to playing with my hair. Gently, as if it calmed him down too.

"You can't kiss me like that." He was better after a moment. I looked over again, and smiled once more.

"Like what?" I asked. "I always do that."

"That was.. Different." He argued, taking my hand again. I should have known he'd notice.

"Maybe you're just not used to it." I suggested, and he shrugged a little.

He seemed surprised when I sat back down on him. Even more so when I kissed him again. He didn't protest, of course, but I wanted to get back into it. I wanted to see if it was just a one time thing.

It was my turn to be surprised when he was the one to break the kiss this time.

"What are you doing?" He asked, resting his arms around me again. "Besides trying to drive me nuts?"

He was careful now, like his defenses were up.

"I don't know." I laughed a little, leaning back. He smiled a little, laughing quietly.

We just sat there for a minute. He looked at me while I looked down. I honestly didn't know what I was doing. This was just as weird for me. My stomach hurt.

"It's okay. Really." He assured me, and I smiled a little.

"What if there isn't another chance?" I wondered, finally looking at him again.

"Chance for what?" He asked, and he actually seemed concerned. He caught on in the resulting silence. "Leandra, you know.. As much as I _really_ want to.."

"I know." I nodded. Nothing was going to happen, and as relieved as I was about that, there was also some disappointment. That part confused me. That part was just as completely new. Disappointed or not, we needed to cool it because if anything at all were to happen, too much would change. I was curious, but not curious enough to change everything.

I half expected to feel awkward, but that feeling never came. He just hugged me, and that made everything better. Eventually, though, I needed to move. I stood up. I started toward the far side of the barn, the back side where the picnic table sat outside.

Naturally, he followed.

The sunlight was bright out here, so I just enjoyed it. With him next to me, I felt like I could. He was just there. Our arms an inch apart and our hands linked again. The view of the sky from this spot was pretty nice.

There was a lot that we weren't saying. I could tell, because he kept looking over at me. I could also tell that our time was getting short. The longer we laid there, the more time the clouds had to return.

"I'm sorry I got you grounded." I eventually said. I had a feeling that had a lot to do with his mood today. He wasn't built for being grounded either, even if he did still have his phone.

"Don't be." He replied. "I deserved it. I should have been smarter. I really put you at risk."

"Don't give me that bullshit." I grumbled at the sky. "I don't need you to take all the blame here. I don't need protecting, Josh."

"You don't need it." He agreed. "You're right, but it sure as fuck would have helped that night. I should have at least seen it." He wasn't wrong.

"I should have seen it too." I added anyway. "Bottom line, I was fucking stupid."

"I'm glad you're okay." He murmured, and I forced a small smile.

"As okay as grounded can be." I joked lightly, and he laughed.

We fell quiet, and I couldn't help it. I felt so sad, knowing that my time here was limited. I hated time limits. I could fall asleep, listening to the slight breeze blow across the grass and the through the trees around us.

"Dammit, I miss you." He was the first to say it this time too. I smiled, my eyes still closed.

"I know." I mumbled. I did know. I _really_ missed him too. Even while we laid together on the picnic table, I missed him.

We laid there while the afternoon carried on. Sadly, I watched as the clouds became more plentiful. It was inevitable. I knew any moment we would be 'discovered', but I couldn't bear to get up and run for it. I didn't want to waste these last moments with him running off.

I took as much time as I could. I didn't want to be discovered here, though, so I was the first one to get up. I peeled myself up off the table, and though that high had stuck around a little bit, I knew we'd be fine to get back. It had worn off enough to pull off being fine.

Before I could get anywhere, he wrapped his arms around me again, holding me in the left over warmth.

"I'm sorry if I-"

"Stop saying you're sorry." I told him, kissing him briefly.

"I just don't want you to think I was trying to pressure you or anything." He clarified. I had to laugh a little.

"You weren't." I replied instantly, which was true. "Really. It's okay. I'm not that jealous anymore, but.. I don't even know."

He smiled in return, and I could see that he understood what I'd been trying to say. That wasn't the time or the place to solve that particular kind of curiosity.

Together, we started walking.

Again, there were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn't. I didn't know how to say them. I worried about how long it would be before I could say these things to him, because I was bound to be even more grounded after this. Especially after what I did to get here.

We made it back out in the open, and back to the park. I gave a brief thought to how I knew what smell would still be on me, but I honestly didn't care this time. We found a bench to sit at and wait out our last moments.

Those few minutes were brief. Mid-sentence, Josh glanced behind me and by the way his expression fell, I knew we'd been discovered. I turned, looking back and sighed as I spotted Carlisle approaching.

I stood up, Josh following suit.

"It's okay." I assured Josh. Carlisle would know that it wasn't Josh's idea. "But you should probably go home too."

"Yeah." Josh sighed, glancing over at Carlisle as he came to stand behind me. I was so sad to see the afternoon end.

I more than easily accepted Josh's hug, and I let it last as long as I dared, returning it tightly. My head still fit perfectly under his chin, and I closed my eyes. Memorizing what he smelled like, and the sound of his calm breathing.

It seemed like a weird thing to do, but I shook that off as preparation for the next length of time before I saw him again. Any amount of time away from him seemed like too long after being able to freely spend as much time with him as I had in the last couple of years.

I hated it, but I knew I had to break it. I stepped back, forcing a sad smile. I wasn't sure about kissing him this time. I didn't want to make him worry more. Our hands slipped apart and I turned, walking toward Carlisle.

Josh stayed there, even as I walked with Carlisle toward the parking lot. Confirmed by a glance back at him. We reached the car before Josh started back toward his house. Even from this far away, I hated to see how sad he was.

"I'm not sorry." I mumbled as I climbed into the car. "All I wanted was to see him."

He didn't reply at first, settling in his own seat with a sigh.

"I'm beginning to see what Charlie meant." He said, and I looked over as he started the car. "It's extremely difficult to keep you somewhere you don't want to be." I couldn't help smiling a little, but that was short lived. "Please tell me I'm not smelling what I think I am."

I sighed. "You are, but don't worry. I'm fine."

"Leandra, that's not the point, and you know it."

"How is it not the point?" I asked. "What's so wrong with it?"

"You're fourteen."

"So?" I asked, looking over. "It's not like I'm seven. It'll wear off, and I'll still be fine. At least it wasn't cigarettes."

He sighed this time. "At least it wasn't cigarettes." He was agreeing, however reluctantly. I knew it was still far from okay, but he was going to let it drop. There wasn't much he could do about it.

I had to ask.

"Am I in trouble for escaping?"

"Yes." He replied. "And no." I frowned in confusion, looking over again. "Leandra, I'm not as upset at you escaping as I am with how you did it."

"Ah." I understood, laughing a little at the recent memory. "Mikah told you. I know, it was stupid-"

"And extremely dangerous." He scolded.

"That too." I admitted. "What can I say? I saw a way out, and I took it."

"The fact that you even saw that as a means of escape worries me." He admitted. "Do you realize the position you placed him in?"

I started to catch on. Was there more?

"No." I replied, confused again. "Is he in trouble or something?"

"He very well can be." He replied, and I looked down. For once, I thought about what the consequences could possibly be. I was fine, and I knew he was fine too. Nothing had happened. It was just a kiss, for fuck's sake.

I frowned again. "I didn't see anything going wrong."

"That's certainly relieving to hear, but that's beside the point." He countered.

"What?" I asked. "Did he like it?"

"Leandra." He scolded again.

"Good." I grumbled. "I did too, but I want a do-over. It didn't last very long-"

"Stop it." He cut me off firmly. "You're not understanding me. Mikah is very young. Hardly a few years into this life. You are very lucky he managed to run. You cannot get that close to him without warning. He could have killed you without a second thought."

That certainly shut me up. I'd known that, of course, but hearing him say it like that made it a little more real.

"Your life was threatened." He went on in my silence. "Not only was he extremely brave coming to us about it, but now, he has to face Aro." I winced, looking down. "What do you think Aro will decide to do now that Mikah has, even for a split second, been considered a threat to your safety?"

I hadn't considered that. I tensed as my heart sank, and I looked over at him again. Oddly, my throat felt tight. I felt emotional at the thought that I might have gotten him in trouble. If Mikah was considered a threat to my safety, Aro wouldn't stand for that. Not for a second. No matter what Aro decided to do about it, I would lose him.

"I-I didn't mean-"

"You need to consider these things, Leandra." Now he was a little mad. "You need to think about the consequences of the actions you take. You of all people should know this."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to lose him because of my stupidity. As badly as he irritated me, I liked having him around. He had stuck up for me more times than I could count. He stepped up without overstepping. He gave me a lot of good advice, and even when he argued with me, he was always on my side.

"Is he still at home?" I asked, and he sighed.

"I don't know." He replied. "If he is, I'd be surprised he would be allowed to see you. I, for one, don't feel comfortable allowing it."

"It was my idea." I argued, looking over.

"Then I suppose you should have thought about that before acting so recklessly." He pointed out, which again, shut me up.

"But it wasn't his fault." I argued again anyway. He shook his head, not bothering to reply this time. I didn't understand it. I didn't see anything bad happening. His words didn't match the feeling. "I won't do it again."

"Something we agree on." He glanced over at me sternly, and I looked down. "I'm sorry. I really am." I didn't reply, looking out the window instead. I did understand this time what had him so upset. It wasn't that I kissed him. That wasn't all it was, because he didn't throw a fit when I kissed Josh. Or Andrew, despite the fact that I knew they knew all about my kissing Andrew.

It was the fact that Mikah was a vampire that bothered him. I could understand that. Even though Bella was just as human as I was when she found Edward, there were so many different circumstances around that. For one, I was a lot wilder than she was. Far more impulsive, and Mikah was far younger than Edward had been. So many things could have gone wrong.

The rest of the ride went in silence, and I ran from the garage as soon as we got home.

"Mikah?" I called to the empty yard, hardly paying any attention to Carlisle's approach behind me. I called his name again when I got no response from the first. I really started getting nervous when there was still no response. He was normally right there.

"Let's go inside." Carlisle suggested, and I felt so stupid, but he could clearly see my unshed tears as I looked over at him. I was getting upset, and angry. How could they just let him go face Aro on his own?

"Mikah." I tried again, louder this time. More determined. "Come here."

"He's not out here, Leandra." Carlisle tried again as well, but I ignored him. I didn't believe him. I didn't want to believe him. He had to be here. That was just job. It was his job to be there.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I called anyway. "I'm sorry. I swear, I'll never do it again."

Nothing.

I waited, several silent seconds passing while it really started to sink in. I fought against the heartbreak, my breathing getting tighter. I hadn't realized until that moment exactly what he meant to me. If he had been a threat to me, Aro would make sure I never saw him again.

As hard as I fought it, a sob shook free. It was too strong. I hated this feeling. I was crushed. All because I was stupid. I closed my eyes, cursing both tears that scattered free.

"What do you think?" Emmett's grinning voice on the porch behind me had me turn to look at him. "Has she learned her lesson?"

"I think so." I whipped back around, faster this time at Mikah's voice from my other side, behind me.

More tears slid free as I saw him, despite the relief that swept through me. Stealing my breath. That relief was brief, his apologetic smile smoothing it in place. Making room for my anger as I quickly realized what had just happened.

Though he continued to smile, he stepped back. Probably in case I decided to hit him, which was a very real possibility.

"You're an asshole!" I snapped, pointing my finger at him. I swallowed around a sob, immediately turning away and storming toward the house.

"Are those tears, shorty?" Emmett chuckled as I passed him on the porch.

"You too!" My glare had found Emmett. Mikah's laughter only matched Emmett's as I made it into the house. I was so pissed, and humiliated. Especially as the tears kept coming.

I hadn't cried in a very long time. Now that it had started, I couldn't stop it. It ached, burned in my throat, and definitely didn't stop just because I hid in my room. Slamming the door behind me, I crossed the room to my bed.

I wasn't used to being tricked. Now I knew how it felt. I was mad, sure, but I had to hand it to them. That was a good one, and I certainly had learned my lesson. I would think about the consequences of my actions from then on. Especially when it came to Mikah. I might have tricked me, but he meant something to me.

It really didn't take long to stop crying, the relief at seeing him came back three fold, and that eased some of my anger too. They gave me my space, though, which was just the right move. Sitting in my room alone forced me to reflect on what I did. I really needed to start considering different angles. Carlisle was exactly right.

I didn't even look over as my bedroom door opened about an hour later. I was still mad, but at least I wasn't crying anymore.

"I am sorry." Mikah came to apologize. I didn't bother to reply. "Silent treatment, huh?"

"You deserve it." I grumbled, glaring over at him. "You.." I trailed off with a growl. "I can't believe you did that."

"I can't believe you did what you did, either." He countered incredulously. "Do you even know how close you came to losing your life? That _hurt_. In every way."

I rolled my eyes and looked down. I knew, I just didn't want to admit to my part of the blame.

He sighed. "I underestimated you, I guess, but you can bet that won't happen again. Understood?"

"Oh, stop scolding me." I muttered. "You're so bad at it." That made him smile, and unfortunately, one of my own crossed my face before I could hide it. "Like you haven't done something like that to get your way."

"I accept consequences." He replied simply. "I don't find loopholes or means of escape."

"How did you get Carlisle to play along with your little plan?" I asked, and he chuckled.

"He agreed to it." He answered, slowly walking into the room. "We thought you needed to be taught a lesson. I wanted to stay gone longer, but I didn't like seeing you cry." He paused, watching me. "Which, I admit, was a surprise to see."

I fought a smile, shaking my head.

"What?" I asked defensively. "I kinda like you, okay? I just felt bad, because I _thought_ I'd gotten you into trouble."

"That's not what I saw." He was confident, and I laughed a little.

"Shut up." I threw a pillow at him. "Won't you still be in trouble?"

"No." He answered. "Because I reacted ideally. I was able to resist, and I'm better prepared now. Better than anyone new Aro could send. Moments like that tend to be used as a training method, for lack of a better term."

That made sense. I hadn't thought about it like that.

"So tell me." I looked over as he was suddenly lounging on the end of my bed, returning my pillow to me. "What was so damn important that you had to risk your life like that?"

I was quiet as I thought about it. What was so important?

"Josh." I replied. "To say I could. I don't even know." He raised a brow, and I laughed. "I don't, but I had a pretty good day."

"Smells like it." He nodded, and I looked down. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Between you and me, I'm not surprised that.. _That_ particular thing drew you in. I'm not condoning it, but it does make sense. I know I'm not the only one that thinks that way."

That surprised me.

"But.." He moved on before I could comment. "What you pulled with me today is definitely _not_ the way to do it. What is it about this boy that makes you, essentially, so willing to die for him?"

"Depending on the day, I'd be willing to die for a cheeseburger." I pointed out. "I don't care that much about my life."

"Well, I'm sure there would be a few people that would miss you."

"Probably." I shrugged.

"Can I ask why you think that way?" He asked hesitantly.

"No." I replied, scooting off the bed.

"What is it about him?" He asked again, following me from my room. "Tell me how he won over the queen of 'Don't Care'."

"By letting me be the queen of 'Don't Care'." I replied vaguely. "You know that already. Plus, why do you care?" I flopped down, sitting beside Esme on the couch and resting my foot on the edge of the coffee table in front of me. I could tell our conversation interested her.

"Just curious." He replied easily. "Why not the other boy?"

"Which one?" I laughed. "There are a few." Esme gave me a look.

"Andrew." He clarified, and I shrugged.

"I like him." I nodded. "It's just.. There's only so much he's allowed to know. He couldn't be my accomplice."

"What makes you believe that an accomplice is what you need?" Mikah asked, and I had to admit, that was a good question. "What makes him special?"

"What's it matter?"

"Reasons." He smiled, and I shrugged. "Trust me, it's important."

I laughed again, confused. "I don't know. It's not that big of a deal. I just had to see Josh."

"Obviously it is." He countered. "I just didn't know it was _that_ important to you."

I shrugged again. I didn't know what to tell him.

"Sorry?" I scoffed a little. It wasn't my fault he hadn't been paying attention.

"That's kind of what she does." Jasper showed up out of nowhere, but I was used to that. I glanced over at him curiously.

"What does she do?" Mikah asked, amused. This was as fun for him as it was for me.

"She feels things, and she does things." Jasper explained. "From the time I met her, she's always been an emotional powder keg. She still is, she just won't allow it." I smirked again, amused by the odd mixture of admiration and astonishment in his tone, with a hint of fear in there between the two.

Jasper continued.

"The only difference between her then, as a terrified and angry nine-year-old, to this stubborn, _invincible_ fourteen-year-old.." I grinned in a bit of pride as he paused. "Is that she now knows how to control when she explodes. If she's felt more than usual, she'll tend to let that pressure out slowly over time, but if it catches her off guard, it'll be all at once. It's the most complex process I've ever seen in a human. She's more aware of that than I am sometimes, and the amazing part is that she doesn't even know she's doing it."

Mikah glanced at me and smirked. I nodded.

"He's not wrong." I allowed, leaning back into a more comfortable position.

Jasper went on. "She does not stay where she doesn't want to be. She gets her way, no matter the cost. She's the most impulsive and stubborn person I've ever met in my life."

"Aww. Jazz." I smiled, waving it off, and Esme laughed. "You're too kind." I rarely called him that. He gestured to me firmly.

"The child has no shame." He laughed, but the slight hint of nervousness in there made me laugh.

"None." I confirmed easily. Jasper continued.

"So as I was saying, I'm really _not_ surprised she did what she did today. She's learned to use that gift of hers so fluidly, it's like another part of her. It's effortless, like it's always on 24/7."

"She's been practicing." Mikah nodded, agreeing.

"If Aro thinks you're able to somehow contain her, you're going to have to up your game." Emmett added.

I smiled innocently, unable to help it.

"React, then adapt." Jasper nodded in conclusion. "But don't forget the things you've learned because she could decide to flip it again. How do you not know this?"

He had a point. If Mikah had been supposedly watching me for quite some time, how did he not know this?

"Maybe because I'm a little different when I'm with friends." I suggested. I was trying to give Mikah some slack.

"Not surprising." Jasper nodded.

"I know her as the leader." Mikah nodded as well. "She does whatever it takes to stay in control of everything and everyone around her, which is why she's taking being grounded so hard."

"That is true." Jasper had to agree.

Mikah looked at me as if he was searching for the right words. I had to admit, I was curious what he saw in me. What else could be behind that intense interest he'd taken in me?

He went on.

"She can manipulate and coerce her way into or out of most situations, but underneath all that, she's one of the most insecure and fearful people I've ever met. It's all about that control. Everyone she interacts with, and herself."

I looked down. He wasn't wrong about that either, but I didn't like him letting that secret out.

"I don't need your gift to tell me what she's feeling, because she's got the most expressive eyes I've ever seen." He went on quieter. "How do you not read her like an open book? She couldn't possibly be any louder."

Mikah's tone held admiration too, but in more of an amazed way. He wasn't being mean, but simply giving his observation. I glanced over at Jasper for his response, but he seemed to be impressed.

Mikah laughed to lighten the conversation. "I just didn't expect her to take it that far today. That was my mistake."

I would let them argue among themselves about who knew me better. Sighing, I stood back up. Mikah followed, but I gave him a look.

"Sit." I said. "I have to pee. Plus this topic is bumming the fuck out of me." He chuckled, and did as I said. Sitting back down. I continued on toward the hall. Shaking my head.

I took my time in there. I wasn't in any rush and it was nice having those few minutes to myself. I had a lot of thinking to do, yet again, so I stood at the sink. My usual place to really do some thinking.

My reflection hadn't changed. I was still plain old me, but I didn't miss the light flush to my face that hadn't quite faded yet.

Things might have been better now, but I still understood the lesson.

Along with that lesson, though, I also had to consider exactly where I stood. Mikah's surprise at seeing me get emotional surprised me, because it surprised me just as much. I just hardly gave it much thought. Now I had to think about it.

I had felt a real sadness during those few minutes I had to think he was gone. That had really fucking hurt, and I didn't even know why. Sure, I liked him just fine, but I didn't know he meant _that_ much to me.

"Shit." I sighed to myself, shaking my head and turning on the water in the sink. I was in a little bit of trouble, because I was now having to look at all the other feelings I'd been denying. There was more than anger and fear in there. Mainly involving three particular boys.

Josh always had my back, and I trusted him with my life. I slept next to him more times than I could count, and we fit. Andrew had been there from the beginning pretty much, and he had been the one that fought hard to be my friend. He showed me that it was even possible to have a friend, but Mikah read me like an open book. He knew me better than I knew myself most days, and he was so patient. He saw through every mask or wall I presented with ease, and could call my bluff from a mile away.

Every single one of those feelings were different, and each just as strong as the other. Each just as complicated as the other. I didn't like how the balance was shifting.

I didn't even matter, I reminded myself. I'd be leaving with Aro before it even became an issue, and I'd be lucky to even see Mikah again. Much less the other two. I scoffed.

I jumped at the knock at the door, frowning a little. Nobody usually rushed me while I was in here. Turning off the water, I reached over and opened it, looking up at Emmett standing there.

"Hi." He spoke first. "Can we talk? I think we need to talk."

"About?" I asked, turning off the light and stepping passed him.

"Really?" He asked. "I think we need to revisit what you pulled this afternoon."

I laughed, leading the way back to the living room. In the short time I had, I managed to put that mask back on. Stuffing everything away until I could revisit it.

"That's old news." I pointed out. "Come on. Wasn't that trick lesson enough?"

"Shorty, you can't do that to someone like him. Play chicken with a car, but don't kiss a vampire."

"I knew what he would do." I admitted, sitting back down beside Esme. "That's why I did it. I didn't know what it'd be like, though."

"Stop kissing people." Emmett finally decided to scold me. Again, I could get embarrassed and mad, or I could brush it off. Be honest for once, own up to it.

"No promises." I smirked, and he pretended to be shocked. Giving me a look, he covered my face with his hand and shoved me over. Not roughly, just easily enough to be playing, and I went with it. It'd been a long while since I'd let myself be in a playful mood.

I laughed, going with it as I fell over.

"Promises, shorty." Emmett pressed, but I just gave him a look.

"I would, but I'm not allowed to lie anymore." I countered, and it was his turn to laugh. It had been awhile since I even heard him laugh. Like I hadn't been listening that whole time.

I looked over at Mikah, and his small smile forced my own smile to widen. It was pretty instant. Almost as instant as Emmett catching on extremely quickly, looking over at Mikah.

"Uh, no. Bad shorty." Emmett told me, and I had to laugh. "Really, don't do that again." To my surprise, Mikah laughed as well.

"I'm on to her now." Mikah assured him. "It won't happen again."

"No?" I grinned, and he only laughed again. Even Esme was having trouble hiding her amusement.

"Oh, geez." Emmett sighed, exasperated.

"Sorry, princess." Mikah told me, shaking his head. "Not that I don't want to, but there are many reasons why I can't overstep that way." I did understand that. I would have been lying if I said I didn't have a tiny crush on him, though.

"Emmett's one of the reasons, huh?" I asked, and he smiled.

"Emmett is quite a few of them."

"Smart." Emmett nodded, clearly approving.

"Then we just won't tell him." I joked, but Mikah just smirked and shook his head again.

"Honesty, remember?" Mikah reminded me, despite knowing I was joking. "Fix those bridges, princess." I sighed dramatically, standing up.

"Fine." I grumbled. "But I'm not sorry." I rounded and headed toward my room. I needed to come up with another plan, because that one sure hadn't gone the way I wanted it to.

"Promise?" Emmett pressed after me.

"Scout's honor." I called back sarcastically, but that was the best he was getting.

**A/N: She got to have her field trip lol I couldn't stop her. It's pretty sad when she gets the best of me too. I know it's a little long, but I don't think anyone minds. ;)  
I LOVE MY REVIEWERS! You guys are so awesome! :} THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! SO MUCH!  
Chapter Eight things pick up again. I don't think I'll need a note at the top, which is a good thing for my rating lol  
Until Eight, my friends! :) **


	8. Chapter 8

**ImPORTANT NOTE: Tiniest bit of violence in this chapter. Nothing extreme, but mentions blood. Just figured I'd warn you. **

**Chapter Eight**

If I was going to escape again, even for a few more hours, I needed to get more creative, but I couldn't help feeling like I was running out of ideas. Crying didn't work. Getting angry didn't work. Sneaking didn't work. Running didn't work. Chasing Mikah off worked once, but it wouldn't work again.

Maybe I wasn't focusing on any of the right people. I could easily find a need to go shopping, but Alice was still mad at me. Esme was a possibility, but I didn't want to trick her.

What I really needed was a way to get a message to Josh. I knew he'd find a way to spring me out and see me again, but I couldn't warn him that his usual tricks wouldn't work. His best bet would be to stay as far out of it as he could, but I couldn't help already missing him. I just wanted to be with him.

I laid across my bed, sighing.

I attributed my good mood to seeing Josh, but I also had a lot on my mind. I wasn't any closer to figuring out what the hell had come over me, but then again, I hadn't really stopped to give it much thought. I couldn't exactly do that right then, with me never knowing when Edward would show up.

I didn't get much sleep that night, my thoughts on Josh more than I was used to. When I wandered out of my room around midnight, I was in search of anything to soothe the ache I felt in my stomach.

I wasn't surprised that Esme was still about, and she saw me make my way into the kitchen. I immediately reached for the cookies.

"Is everything okay, honey?" She asked, walking in after me.

"Just can't sleep." I admitted. I was in an okay mood, and my tone let her know that.

"Any particular reason why?" She asked gently, watching me. I grabbed a small glass for some milk.

"My mind won't shut up." I replied. "That hasn't changed."

She smiled a little. "I'm sorry. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

I sighed. "I'm not sure I can explain it if I tried."

"That sounds frustrating." She replied, and I nodded a little.

"Very." I muttered, looking down as I poured the milk. I really just wanted some quiet, but my usual go-to for that was off limits. "It's like having too many thoughts at once. It gets so loud in there, nothing helps. Well, nothing I'm allowed to have, anyway."

"Have you tried-"

"I've tried everything." I already knew what she was going to say. "Distractions don't work. Focusing on it doesn't work. Ignoring it doesn't work. Talking about it doesn't work. Writing it down doesn't work. Drawing or coloring doesn't work. I can't sleep to get away from it."

She seemed at a loss.

"It just keeps going." I continued. "But I guess I just need to learn to live with it. Who knows? Maybe by the time Aro comes for me, I'll be as crazy as he is."

I was really trying not to be bitter, so I forced a small smile.

"Round and round." I concluded, grabbing a cookie.

"How long has it been this way?" She frowned, concerned. I forced another smile.

"It's always been like this." I replied. "It got worse when I first started getting my stupid gift. Louder. It'll probably always be like this. That's why I said I would keep doing those 'bad' things every chance I got. It's the only thing that shuts it up long enough for me to sleep. Unless you count being too exhausted to stay up anymore. If that happens, I wake up just as tired as I was when I went to sleep, which just makes the thoughts louder."

She seemed surprised now.

"You have to have noticed a change." I laughed a little. "Right around thirteen, I started sleeping better."

"Right around thirteen, honey, you were hardly ever home." She pointed out, and I looked down.

"True." I muttered. "But when I was, I mean."

"When you were home, we did notice a difference." She admitted, and I smiled.

"You can thank Josh for that." I sighed, taking a bite. "I get what you say about how I should be older, but you gotta see it my way too."

She wasn't giving in, but I had to make my case. I let that subject drop, though.

"So nobody really told me." I noted. "How much longer am I grounded for? After today?"

She sighed. "Well, honestly, now I'm not sure." I frowned a little in confusion, pausing mid-bite. "You've brought up some very interesting points just now."

I laughed. "Not my intention. You asked."

"I know." She smiled a little.

"I'm curious." I moved on again. "Was anyone following me earlier after Mikah told on me?"

"Only long enough to know where you were." She replied. "We thought you could use some privacy."

Well, that wasn't so bad. I appreciated that, but that also meant..

"So Carlisle must have already known what I was doing before he picked me up at the park."

"Yes." She admitted. He knew, but didn't have my follower immediately drag me home. That was surprising. "He wanted you to be honest."

"I passed that test." I nodded, smiling a little. I was really appreciating the light conversation for once.

"Yes you did." She approved. "And for what it's worth, I'm proud of you."

"Really?" I had to ask. Disbelief in my tone.

"The conversation in the park was overheard." She explained. "About running away."

"Oh." I understood. "Yeah, about that.. I have _no_ idea where that came from, but I had _no_ plans to run away for good. Even if I could get away with it, I couldn't do that again. Plus I don't really want to. Yeah, it sucks being grounded, but I-"

"We know." She stopped my rambling, so I took a breath.

"That was probably why I made it so easy to find me." I added. "But I have to say. That was weird. He's never said anything like that before."

"Pressure affects everyone differently." She seemed to understand. "I'm sure he was just frustrated."

"That too." I laughed a little, but I wasn't eased. I looked down. Something felt off. I had to ask. "Is.. Do you think I could call him? Just to make sure he's okay? I mean, I know it's a _lot_ to ask, but-"

"I'll discuss it with Carlisle." She murmured, which surprised me.

"Really?"

"Honey, you're finally giving a little." She laughed quietly. "What you did today was.. Bad. Very bad, but at the same time, we understand. Escaping has been part of who you are for as long as we've known you." That was true. "And.. Well, I can tell that this bothers you deeply. This conversation with him today. I think it would be alright for you to make a simple phone call to make sure he's okay, and I will discuss it with Carlisle, but I'm not making any promises."

"That's fair." I nodded a little. That was as far as I was going to push. I was grateful she was even considering it. I decided to leave that there. "Where's Mikah? He's usually the first one to tell me to get some sleep."

"Right here." He surprised me a little. "I thought it might be best to let you talk, but you should get some sleep."

"Easier said than done." I replied sadly. "If you've found a way to shut my brain off, let me know, because I sure don't know how to do it."

"I have an idea." He nodded, so I shrugged a little, taking the last bite of my cookie. Sugar probably wasn't the best idea right before bed, but it had helped. I finished off my milk, too, and I said good night to Esme.

Whatever he had in mind was worth a try.

"You once told Josh that you sleep better with someone there." He noted as we walked into my room, and I laughed a little. I was a little surprised that he remembered that. "If you're okay with it, I'll sit with you until you fall asleep."

"If you're okay with it. You might be here awhile." I shrugged, already sitting on my bed. Oddly enough, I trusted him more than enough to be okay with it.

"I'll be fine, princess." He smiled, watching as I sighed and laid down. I was tired enough. Once I was settled on my side, he sat himself down behind me, sighing as well. Half propped up, half laying.

When I was still enough, he reached over and turned the light off, bathing the room in darkness. I didn't want to admit how exhausted I was. I just closed my eyes, but I didn't fall asleep right away. He was quiet enough, and still enough, but it was all in my head.

I was too busy thinking about how hopeless it was. The conversation with Esme about how long my mind had run wild..

"Do you think people can just.. Break?" I wondered, and I felt him look down at me where I laid.

"Is this something you think about a lot?" He asked quietly in reply.

"Not a lot." I replied. "But do you think people can just be broken? Not.. Just me, but others. People that do bad things just to do them. The really bad ones. The ones that are just born broken."

"I think.." He hesitated for a few seconds. "No, I don't think anyone is born with the blackest souls."

I scoffed. "Soul?"

"You don't believe in them?" He asked, and by his tone, he was interested.

"Not really." I admitted, rolling onto my back. "I mean, I don't even know what it's supposed to be. Maybe I just never had one."

"You definitely have one, Leandra." He assured me. He was so confident.

"I don't think so." I replied. I wasn't trying to argue. Just give my point of view. "At least, if I had one, it's been gone a long time. Just.. Beaten out of me."

"Leandra, a soul isn't something that can just be taken away by someone else, and it certainly can't be beaten out of you." He seemed concerned. "Even the people that do the worst things have one. It belongs to you. It's every bit of who you are."

"_If_ I have one, it's broken." I added. "It doesn't work right, or something. I remind myself every day that there's something just.. Wrong with me. There's parts of me that I don't know. With or without a soul, I'm probably just cracked."

"Everyone has a few cracks here and there." He replied simply. "A few cracks are okay. It allows the light through." I looked over at him in the darkness. "Haven't you ever wondered why the kindest hearts hurt the most? Every soul shines in their own way. Whether that is in ill intent or compassion, it's completely up to whoever stands with it. You, darling, have one of the brightest ones I've ever seen."

I couldn't help smiling a little.

Okay, so he wasn't _so_ bad.

"Wishful thinking?" I asked.

"I don't think so." He said, and his voice was quiet, like he knew I was getting closer to falling asleep. "You were taught to see the worst in people, especially yourself, but I refuse. Our lives are made up of choices. Choices and moments. Of course things can influence us, but ultimately, it's up to you what kind of life you want to build for yourself."

I didn't know how to reply to that at first.

"Maybe for most people." I allowed sleepily. "But not for me."

"Why?"

"Because none of it will matter. The kind of life I want to build for myself won't matter in two years." I reminded him, and it was his turn to stay quiet.

"It always matters." He whispered gently, but I was already on my way to falling asleep. Beyond caring about arguing.

I managed to get a few hours straight of sleep, which helped, but that couldn't last. My mind eventually decided that it was time to wake up, so I was up. When I did wake up, Mikah was gone, but I expected that. He couldn't sit with me that long.

I found, though, that my mood was different when I woke up. I couldn't believe how much I hated not getting my way all the time, but underneath all that, something was different. The edginess was smoother. I had accepted a thing or two while I slept.

To my further surprise, I was given the chance to call Josh. He didn't answer, unfortunately, but I left him a message and told him that I was just checking up on him. I wouldn't get another chance to talk, but I felt a little better that he had a way to hear the things I said to him.

I did a lot of thinking over the next few days, and settling in began to get easier. Getting what I wanted, exactly when I wanted it was nice, but being here wasn't all bad.

I was fighting that complacency, though. It was a bad thing to be comfortable here, right when I had a little less than two and a half years left here. Every passing day, I was brought closer to something I really didn't want to do, but maybe those two and a half years didn't have to be all bad either.

My mood around the house lightened just a little bit.

Around mid-day Saturday, I was brought out of my usual thoughts and called out of my room. Curious, I did as I was asked. I knew by the direction of Carlisle's call that someone was at the door. I couldn't help hoping that it was Andrew again, or by some miracle, Josh. That hope was quickly squashed, though.

I stopped dead in my tracks at who stood by the front door with Carlisle, waiting for me to arrive. Anyone else. I would have been happier to see anyone else. I could tell Carlisle didn't know whether or not I'd want to see this person, because they'd never met her before.

"Aw, shit." I groaned, rolling my eyes. "What the hell do _you_ want?" Anyone else but this bitch. Wasn't there some law or something? It was Sofia. Josh's "official" girlfriend. She was as unpleasant to me as I obviously was to her, and seeing her standing on my porch definitely wasn't a pleasant sight.

"We need to talk." Sofia's arms were crossed, and the look on her round, too-small face just made me want to punch her, but I held back.

"There's nothing to talk about." I shrugged, crossing my own arms.

"Leandra?" Carlisle asked me, and I shook my head. It was nothing he needed to worry about. It bugged me that she had to come here and bother everybody. This was so unlike her, though.

"I heard you're grounded, so I'll make it quick." Sofia spoke to me again.

"Thank God." I countered, which she ignored.

"I'll give you two some privacy." Carlisle murmured, and I nodded a little. Giving him a grateful look. This very obviously wasn't a pleasant visit, so he'd let me have it. It wouldn't take long, and I'd go back to being just as grounded. I wasn't protesting that.

She was quiet, watching after him along with me. She looked at me, and though she still looked like she would rather have been on fire than be here, she studied me.

"Let's talk outside." I finally snapped, striding straight for the door. I let her further onto the porch first, and she sighed as I shut the door behind me. Just in case I had to punch her. I didn't want to spill blood in the house.

"Look." I started as I approached her. "I don't know what you want, but-"

"I'm pissed because Josh is _more_ grounded because of you." She snapped.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I frowned.

"The other day?" She prompted firmly. "You two were together."

"How did you know that?"

"A few of my friends saw you." She explained tightly. "And _suddenly_, I don't hear from him for days."

Either his mom must have finally taken his phone, or he just didn't want to waste his time with her anymore. The second theory didn't sound like him, though. If he wanted her to stop bugging him, he would tell her, and it certainly explained why he didn't answer when I called the other day.

I still felt a bit of satisfaction at the fact that I'd seen him more recently than she had. I hid that, though. I didn't exactly want to fight. Not here.

I just scoffed, but she continued.

"I told him to stop hanging out with you, because you're nothing but trouble." She added. That was amusing.

"Please." I forced a laugh. "You don't own him, so stop acting like his mom. He can hang out with whoever he wants."

"I came here to tell you myself, since he won't." She replied firmly. "Stay away from him."

"Or what?" This time, I did laugh. I couldn't believe this bitch was dumb enough to talk to me like that.

"Guess you'll find out." She sniffed confidently.

I was stunned into stillness as she turned around, gliding down the porch steps. Sitting in the furthest part of the driveway, was clearly her parent's car. I knew she was older than Josh by a few months, so I wasn't surprised she could drive her stupid ass here.

"Hold on one fucking minute." I instantly followed her as she approached said car. "If you think for one goddamn second you can just show up here and say shit like that without me kicking your ass, you must have a reason. So out with it, bitch."

"It's obvious you don't care about him like I do." She said, turning to look at me. "If you did, you wouldn't be dragging him through hell with you."

"You think I'm dragging him anywhere?" I asked. "Maybe you should get to know him a little better."

She huffed, aggravated. "Just.. Stay away from him. Stay the fuck out of his life. He doesn't want to see you anymore."

"Oh, is this the part where I'm supposed to just do whatever you say?" I laughed. Especially considering he was just as happy to see me as I was to see him the other day. "Cute. You know he hates you, right?" I knew I shouldn't have told her that, but I was getting pissed.

It was her turn to laugh.

"Pathetic." She snorted. This bitch really had no clue how much she needed to leave.

"So.." I said. "You came all the way here to tell me.. What? To stay away from your boyfriend because you're insecure? And you have the balls to call me pathetic?"

"No." She replied calmly. "I came here to tell you flat out. I'm sick of your shit. He's done covering for your ass. That's it."

"If he wants me to stay away from him, he'll tell me himself." I said just as calmly. "Until then-"

"He's fucking grounded, dumb ass." She stressed. "He can't tell you himself. Hello? Pay attention."

"I swear to fucking God, you better watch what you say to me." I was giving her fair warning. "I will fuck you up without a second thought."

She actually rolled her eyes at me.

"What are you? Nine?" She grumbled. "I'm not going to waste any more of my time. You're obviously too brain-damaged to figure it out."

She clearly underestimated me, but she'd _clearly_ just said the wrong thing. She attempted to look down at her phone, distracted, so I followed my instinct. True to my word, I punched her right square in the mouth without a second thought.

The sound my fist made against her teeth was loud to me, but even as satisfying as that sound was, pain raced through my hand, up my arm. I shook with that pain, but I kept as straight of a face as I could as her butt hit the gravel. She landed hard, but I stepped back. I forced myself to stop at one hit, because I knew that was all that was needed to get my point across.

Her mouth erupted in blood, her hand instantly coming up and covering her lips as she looked up at me in shock.

"Next time you come here and insult me, I'll knock your fucking teeth down your throat." I told her, my voice trembling only slightly in my anger. "And the _next_ time you decide you want to speak for Josh, you better make damn sure it's not at me because I know him _so_ much better than you think you do. Get the fuck out of here, you stupid bitch. While you still can."

I wasn't surprised to glance toward the house and see Carlisle standing there, even before Sofia managed to get back to her feet. She didn't say a damn word as she walked away. Rounding the front of her car, only slightly unsteady. I was half surprised Carlisle let her leave as badly as she was bleeding, but I also didn't care.

I stepped back, just in case she tried to do something stupid as she got into her car.

She looked back at me, clearly in some kind of shock. So I did the only thing I could. I smiled sweetly, flipped her off with the same hand I'd punched her with, and waved goodbye with the other. That was it.

"Leandra." Carlisle sighed, approaching my side. He stood with me while we watched her leave.

"How many stitches do you think she's going to need?" I asked, looking up at him in amusement. "I'm betting at least four."

He shook his head, not at all amused.

"What?" My smile faded into an incredulous one. "I defended myself, and I only hit her once. I know.." I paused to roll my eyes and take a breath. "There's always another way, or whatever, but you heard her. If you knew her, you'd know she really had it coming."

"Nobody deserves that." He replied simply.

"She knows not to run her stupid mouth." I explained tensely. "Especially to me. Maybe she'll think twice next time. I've known forever that she doesn't like me, but that's not my fucking problem-"

"You're not even trying anymore, Leandra." He cut me off. "You're justifying violence. It seems like you enjoyed that far more than you should have. The amount of spite in your pride.. You're proud of injuring that girl."

I'd stepped quickly into defensiveness, and I knew that was never a good place to be. My mouth started talking before I could stop it.

"And?" I pressed. "I'm a violent person. I always have been. How are you surprised?"

He shook his head, so I went on.

"Look who raised me." I stressed this time. "You did your best, but face it. It just wasn't good enough. Besides. I'll be out of your hair in.. What? Two and a half years, and I'll fit right in where I'm going. Since I'm so fucking different. You'll never have to see me again."

He wasn't angry at what I said. He was sad, but that just made it worse. Before I could stand there and face that disappointment any more, I just turned and walked away. I was still proud of myself, but every time I saw that look, it was harder to ignore than the last.

So much for my lighter mood. I was so stupid.

I walked into the house, and went right for the bathroom. I wasn't surprised not to see a single person on my way through the living room. My hand was really hurting at this point, and I could see now that the bitch's teeth had broken skin on my second and third knuckles. I had good aim, but the blood trailing slowly from my torn skin explained the empty house.

I slapped the light on, and turned to the sink. I started the cold water, sniffling to clear my slightly tearing eyes as I placed my hand under the running water. It stung, but it wasn't anything I hadn't handled before. The guilt for what I said was starting to sink in, and the fact that it was true didn't mean that I should have said it.

Staring down at my hand, replaying every word in my head, I was a little startled at Carlisle arriving at my side, taking my hand to inspect it. My anger flared again.

I pulled my hand away.

"God, I'm not a fucking kid anymore!" I snapped at him. "I can take care of myself." We stood there, but he wasn't backing down. I waited for him to argue, but he sighed instead.

"I'll admit, that was a very good try." He told me calmly. "I imagine it's only going to get worse between now and the moment you believe that you are not leaving this family." I frowned a little, looking up at him.

"Yes, I-"

He held his hand up, cutting me off gently.

"I understand that you've got your mind set on it, and that's an impossible thing to break until there's proof, but you are not leaving this family." He told me almost firmly. I couldn't speak at first, so he went on. "No amount of disappointment will ever make you leaving okay."

I swallowed against the emotion suddenly closing my throat. He really didn't get it. I wanted to stay mad. It didn't hurt as much when I was mad. I looked down at my hand, shaking my head briefly. Yelling didn't work, so I would have to go another route.

I carefully chose my next statement.

"I saw you die." I stressed quietly, looking back up. "And I have to be honest, that fucked me up. Try to see it my way. What would you do if I was killed right in front of you? Not just killed, but literally torn apart?"

It was an honest question, one I hadn't asked yet, but it was clear he didn't like the image. He was quiet.

"I know what I would do if it happened to you." I went on, just as quietly. "I've been there. I know what I would do, and I know what everyone else would do. It _killed_ them. It killed me. That vision was real, Carlisle. I saw you die, right in front of me. Not just you, but Jasper. Esme. Rose too. They all died protecting me. What would you do? You would do whatever you could to not ever have to see that again, right? If you could keep your family from being torn apart right in front of you, you would do whatever it took."

"Leandra, you seem to be forgetting that we're all right here." He pointed out gently.

"You seem to be forgetting that I would give up everything to keep it that way." I countered. "I still see it. That moment, and every single moment after.. For years. The more determined you get that I'm not leaving, the more real that shit becomes, and that.. Scares me so bad. It goes around and around. Can't you see that? The more I have to be here, the more determined you get to keep me from Aro, and the more determined you get, the clearer your death becomes. Again. All over again. Over and over and fucking over. Do you know what that does to me? A hundred different ways, a thousand different endings. For all of you."

I paused for a breath, and he waited.

"You have to let me go." I murmured. My voice was hardly louder than the sound of the running sink. "If you're waiting for me to beg, then this is me begging. You asked what I couldn't do anymore, the night you picked me up in California. This is it. I can't anymore. It's always there. I can't turn it off. You. You have to decide. The others, they'll be pissed, but they follow you."

I had to stop because a small sob forced its way out, hitching my breathing, and I immediately looked down at my hand, which he took again.

"I don't even know why I'm saying this." I sniffled when I could speak again. "It's nothing I haven't said a million times already, and no one's heard me yet."

"You have to understand what you're asking me to do." He started, much to my surprise. This was a new response, so I just shut up and listened as he continued. "The moment I met you, at that school that day, you were terrified. There's no possible way you can remember that day as clearly as I do, and let me tell you. I've never once made up my mind on something that quickly. I've never, in all my years, been so fiercely protective of anyone as quickly as I was of you."

Involuntarily, that memory came forward, and as vivid as it was for me, I knew he was right. I knew it was a thousand times more vivid for him. That memory hurt, because right from the start, I needed him so much. It hurt to know how quickly he knew it.

"One way or another, I was going to see to it that you were safe." He went on. "I didn't even consider letting the opportunity slide to ensure that safety. Your safety has been my number one priority from the moment you looked at me. That's all I wanted for you, but that got harder when your happiness also became a factor. I underestimated the strength of your attachment to us. What made you happy was the least safest option for you, and it's been rather hard to find the right balance."

I winced a little as he gently replaced my hand in the cold water.

"You're guarded." He went on quietly. "You're just as terrified now as you were then, and you're asking me to turn my back on you this time. When I decided to take you in, and even more so when we made the decision to adopt you, it wasn't a temporary decision. It wasn't conditional. You are a.. Very cherished member of this family."

"And I always will be." I mumbled, looking up at him pleadingly. "No matter where I go, or what I'm doing, I always will be, but I can't. I can't do that here, because if I choose to stay, it won't matter anyway. Everything I've done here, all the work I did to get passed everything I've gotten passed won't mean shit if you all die."

Again, none of this was new, but I had a feeling he understood a little better now.

It was a shitty situation all around. There was no easy option, but to me, there was only one option.

"You have to let me go." I told him again, slowly clenching and unclenching my fist in an attempt to make the ache stop. "I won't be able to live knowing you all are gone, but I'll have no choice. I'd rather live for something, keeping you guys safe, than be forced to live while wanting nothing more than to die."

I actually didn't expect his hug, but I returned it immediately, because I knew in the way he hugged me that I'd just made a difference.

"I keep telling you that I'm selfish." I mumbled, clinging tightly to him with my good hand. "I know how hard it'll be for you. Believe me, I get it. That's why I keep trying to make it easier on you, but that's a really hard thing to keep doing, which is why I still miss drinking."

He didn't reply to that, sighing sadly.

I wanted so badly to cry. I wanted so bad to tell him I was sorry. I wanted to break down. I wanted to be scared like I always used to be, and I wanted him to be able to make everything okay like he always used to, but I couldn't.

I couldn't allow it, because as Alice put it so many years before, I had a responsibility. It was my job to do everything I could to change a bad vision, but to do that, I had to let go of everything I ever wanted. I had to just turn my back on it, and lead a different life. That was indescribably painful. The pain of that was debilitating, but I had no other choice.

Instead of crying, and apologizing, I just sighed and stepped back. I couldn't completely steel my expression, though. I wasn't exactly sure what all he was seeing, but I knew it wasn't just my determination.

When he didn't say anything else, I forced a small smile, stepped around him and left the room. I hadn't let myself cry in front of him, but I couldn't hold it back once I was in my room.

In my room, I lowered to sit against the wall, crying harder than I had in a long time. I hated this situation so damn much, but being so completely unable to change it tore me apart.

The first nine years of my life had been so full of wishing, praying with all that I was despite how hopeless it was that things would change for me. The nights I would sit up, crying until I couldn't breathe or crying until I fell into exhausted sleep, every broken piece of me aching for someone to care about me.

Then, I got it. I got that. I had gotten everything I ever dreamed of or wished for the day Carlisle found me. He cared. I fought so hard to keep it. No matter what he said, no matter what the damn law said, I fought to keep that because it was mine. Over time, the trust I'd managed to build was something I never wanted to lose. It had just started to become something I could stand on.

All of that was wiped completely off the table, and I was knocked right back down the second Aro took my hand. All because of an ability I didn't even know I had the year before. No matter how hard I fought now, it wouldn't change. I couldn't just run away like I used to when I lived with my mom. I couldn't just refuse to go, because the consequences of that were far worse than anything I could possibly live with.

I had to let them go just as much as they had to let me go, and from the feel of things, Carlisle had decided to do just that. I had swayed him today, and the second the future lightened, I crumbled. They wouldn't have to die, but no matter what happened now, I would always want to.

Aro knew exactly what I was giving up. He knew my reasons, and he knew that as long as I lived, I would be doing everything I did for my family. Not for him. I'd done a lot of asking myself why over the years. Why me? Why him? Why the hell would I get dealt such a shitty card? It really wasn't fair, but that didn't matter to him in the least.

The exchange would be made peacefully. As relieved as I was, I didn't feel any better.

I did my best not to let it get to me, but the feeling of being let go bothered me on a deeper level than I thought it ever would. I wasn't sure why, because it was exactly what I asked for.

The family eventually did come back, but I was in my tree house by then. I didn't want to see anyone, especially when Carlisle had to tell them. I didn't want to be there when they felt the intense urge to argue with him. They would know that it was me behind his decision. Somehow, I felt ashamed, so I chose to hide away. I wished I could go find Josh, but in the weirdest way, I also just wanted to be alone.

I just wanted to lay on my couch, so I was grateful when nobody bothered me.

Being let go was a good thing, but it really affected my dreams that night. Everything I remembered about the first year I spent here decided to come forward all at once while I slept, and that was hard enough without the emotions that came with it.

I hadn't woken up this many times in tears since I was that age, and I really began to question what I'd done. I knew it was the right thing, though. It was the only way to make sure they were safe, and they still were, but it hurt.

I gave up on sleeping around 4am. Something I hadn't done in quite awhile. When I left my room, I knew by the way all eyes were on me again that Carlisle had spoken to them. Part of it could have been because of how miserable I looked, but I had to keep telling myself that it was for the best. It was for the best. It _was_. It sucked, but at least I didn't have to see them die anymore.

"Princess?" Mikah seemed so confused.

"Please don't, Mikah." I sighed, leaning back on the couch. I wasn't up to talking, and given the way Esme moved to sit beside me, she wasn't either. I did have some things I had to say, though.

I kept my eyes down at first, looking for the right words. Briefly distracted by Edward walking in. I wasn't at all surprised to see Bella there as well, but I was a little happy to see him. Maybe he could help me.

"I'll do my best." He replied to my thoughts, and I nodded. I appreciated that. I was just having some trouble figuring out where to start.

I closed my eyes for a moment, sighing.

"I know." I started, opening my eyes again. "I know he told you. It's.. A different feeling, but it worked. I know how how hard it is for you guys. Believe me, but it's the right decision. I can see it. Everything'll be fine."

"I just don't get it." Emmett frowned. "You _want_ to go?"

That was such a hard question to answer. I glanced over at Edward, and he nodded lightly.

"I knew.." I muttered. "I knew when I first came here that it was only temporary. Something this good was never meant to last. Not for someone like me. That's just how it is. I've looked, no matter how pointless it was to look."

"Pointless?" That really seemed to bother him.

"Not like that." I assured him. "Everything I got from that first vision told me that it'd be pointless to try to get out of it. I agreed that day to save you, and I keep agreeing because it's the only way I can even live with myself, even if leaving will.. Well, it'll suck. A lot."

I couldn't hide the way that affected me. No matter how hard I tried, my normally firm voice wavered.

"There has to be a way." Alice was just as unhappy as I was. I just shook my head.

"For you to live, I have to go." I stressed quietly. "I'm so sorry. I owe you way more than being a coward. I-I know, I haven't made the best choices lately. I know I screwed up, and I'm so sorry for that."

"But?" Emmett prompted.

"No but." I replied. "I screwed up. There's no reason for it. I have my reasons, sure, but none of them are good enough for causing you guys pain to numb my own. Truth was, I was scared. I still am. I'm scared to leave, but now that the decision has been made, I can see it really is for the best." Silence. "And besides. It's not like you'll never see me again. I'll come back, every chance I get. Even if you're not here anymore, I'll always find you."

Just like Carlisle's hug yesterday, I didn't see Esme's hug coming. I returned it tightly, closing my eyes. I knew full well that she would happily stand against anyone to protect me. They all would, but it was my job to not let it come to that.

I missed my numbness so much, because this hurt so badly, but I couldn't go back to that. Not anymore.

I glanced over as Mikah stood up straighter. I didn't pay much attention to that, reaching up instead and wiping a tear away. I felt heavy as I leaned back, letting go of Esme and keeping my eyes down.

"Princess, can I talk to you?" Mikah asked, and I looked over.

"Stop stealing her." Emmett protested, but he wasn't telling me I couldn't go. I peeled myself up off the couch with a sigh. It was just starting to rain as I walked by him out the door, the only sound being the sound of the light drops hitting everything around us.

I moved to the edge of the porch, the overhang protecting us from the rain. I took a deep breath, and a silent moment to sooth some of the emotional soreness I felt, but it was a little chilly out here. Especially in my thin pajamas and bare feet. I crossed my arms over my stomach in an effort to stay warm.

"Don't do this." I was surprised when he got right to the point. "Don't give up now." I looked over at him in the very thin, pale light of the first hint of dawn. Looking away again as he came to my side.

"Don't start." I muttered.

"It's too soon." He shook his head.

"If you knew what it's like-"

"I get it." He stressed. "I really do get it, but.. Just don't. It's only going to hurt you more."

"And that bothers you?" I teased, desperate to lighten the mood. I couldn't stand allowing myself to feel.

"Yeah. It does bother me." He wasn't even trying to deny it. I fell quiet at the honesty in his tone, looking out over the yard. The rain had steadily picked up. Now falling in buckets just beyond the overhang.

"I have to." I sighed. "I wish I could explain it. Them having hope for a way around it only makes it harder on me. That's what I was trying to tell Carlisle yesterday. This sucks too, but it's easier now. I told you. I can't win."

He sighed as well. "Cutting your ties now will only make it harder on you on the day you're taken, Leandra. It'll hurt you more."

"Hey, you said my name." I smiled a little. He was quiet for a moment. He figured out what I was doing, because he went along with it.

"I did." He replied. "Though you're always going to be a princess."

"That was corny."

"Oh, was it?" He laughed, so I knew he wasn't bothered.

"Yep." Was all I said in reply.

"Let's water some of that corn." I laughed at his joke, but my stomach dropped a second later when he suddenly scooped me up, forcing a laugh out of me. I did what I could to cling hard to the railing, but he broke that hold easily.

He swung me easily right off the porch and out into the dumping rain, and I gasped deeply as the icy drops instantly drenched me.

"Asshole!" I smacked him, but my fight was halfhearted. He set me on my feet somewhere in the middle of the yard as sheets of rain just poured in every dark direction, but even shivering couldn't wipe the smile from my face. The light from inside the house was our only light, aside from the slowly lightening sky above our heads.

With his own triumphant grin, he lightly deflected my hit with his hand.

"You're just as wet as I am." I snapped with my own grin.

"It doesn't bother me." He replied smugly, and I had to admit, he had me there. I moved to smack him again, but he caught my hand once more. This time, it caught my attention. I looked down at my hand in his, studying it closely for the first time. His skin was flawless porcelain, mine was normal. Flawed, with a faded scar here or there.

Looking as close as I was, I had to tear my gaze away from it as I looked up at him. The second I met his eyes, my stomach settled weird, and it fluttered a little when he smiled. I couldn't read the expression in his eyes, but I was sure he couldn't read mine either.

This was new.

"You see it too?" He asked, and I immediately looked away. I knew exactly what he was talking about, weirdly, but my defenses sprung up. Just as quickly as they ever had, and I refused to let the moment get any deeper.

"See what?" I asked, smiling as I smacked him with my other hand and turned away. He kept hold of my hand, though, and pulled me back to him. Wrapping his arms around me a hug I knew he'd get into trouble for, which I returned without thinking.

I laughed and rested my head against his chest like I would have with Josh. The feeling was completely different, but for a moment, I rested. I breathed in, and it felt so much like I was taking a breath for the first time in a long time, that I had to hold onto it. When I sighed that breath out, my eyes closed. That breath reached my toes, a feeling I'd never had before.

I stayed there for several seconds, just breathing slowly. Noting every bit of tension that left my body. Like I was weightless. With my head the way it was, I didn't hear a heartbeat, but I didn't expect to. He was solid, real. As much as I cared about Josh, and loved having him hold me this way, his arms never exactly felt like this. There weren't many words able to describe it, how perfectly I fit there.

I realized, far too late, what was going on, but realizing it now scared me. In a split second, I was tense again. I had a million questions when I looked back up at him, but he didn't seem the slightest bit concerned. He seemed just as relaxed as I had been just a moment before.

"You feel it too?" He asked this time, and I hesitated. I was suddenly nervous, and denial was the one emotion that won over the others.

"Yeah." I answered tensely, but I stepped back. "I do." I released my hold on him and turned away. I was afraid of what had just happened. I couldn't let myself fall for him. Not as deeply as I was just about to. Not only would my family probably skin him, but he knew what kind of life I faced in a few years. I couldn't let him mean that much to me.

He didn't call me back. He let me walk away.

Soaking wet, I swiftly walked into the house. Wiping the rain away from my face as I crossed the living room, ignoring all the eyes I felt on me. Part of me was a little surprised they'd allowed that short interaction, but I didn't think much about it.

I gathered dry clothes from my room, and quickly crossed the hall into the bathroom. I was pretty cold at that point, and I needed to dry off. I shed my shirt, and took that time to think. I only then noticed the lump of emotion in my throat.

I couldn't. I fought it. I leaned on the sink, forcing my breathing to slow down.

I was in trouble. I knew it. Feelings like that didn't come around very often, and it was overwhelming. I wanted so much to get attached to it, but I couldn't. It was stupid, it was dangerous, but it was real. It was more. More than anything I'd spent years running from. It was more than anything I'd ever experienced. It was more than any kind of fear I'd ever felt. More than any kind of anger, or sadness, and far more than any happiness I'd ever felt.

It was every single one of those things all at once, forcing my heart to beat.

It was more than Josh, or Andrew, and it wasn't going away. It wasn't fading like I expected it to. Like trying to dump a cup of water on a blazing forest fire. I couldn't fight it. It flooded me with fear, but I'd never felt stronger. What was happening?

Outside, I vaguely heard the sound of thunder, but I took that as a cue to look up. Meeting my eyes in my reflection, I had no clue where to begin trying to untangle the look in my eyes. I was in trouble. I couldn't feel like this. I couldn't let it happen, but I wanted it so damn much.

I looked half drowned, but I didn't care. My denial slid smoothly to anger. It wasn't _fair_. For just a moment, I felt like I was home. I was safe, protected. I was home, and I never wanted to leave that spot, but I couldn't let myself stay there. I had to make that choice, for many reasons.

My family would never allow it. They'd never expressly told me that, but there was a line there I would never be allowed to venture passed.

Aro would never allow it. In his mind, I belonged to him. More so, I couldn't belong to anyone else. That probably meant never having a boyfriend.

I scoffed. A _boyfriend_.

What the hell was I even thinking? The denial came back. I shouldn't even be thinking about these things. Not only was it stupid, but it could also get me into a lot of trouble. With everyone, including myself.

I turned around, and started the shower. I was freezing, and just wanted to warm up. That would help me gather myself a little more.

I fluffed my hair dry after said shower, wringing out the ends as I now avoided my gaze in the mirror.

After running a brush through my damp hair, I got dressed and came out of the bathroom as if nothing had changed.

"Leandra?" Alice was instantly on my heels. "What happened outside?" She'd been waiting to ask that, undoubtedly, since I first came back in.

"Nothing." I replied, confused. I headed into the kitchen, grabbing a glass out of the cupboard. I glanced over at her skeptical look, laughing a little. "What?"

I rolled my eyes as Jasper arrived at her side. Ah, geez.

"That wasn't nothing." He replied for her, and I sighed.

"Come on, guys." I whined, focusing instead on filling my glass with water. "What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?"

"You agreed." Alice pointed out, sitting down. With what Mikah said.

"So?" I asked pointedly, still irritated.

"What did he mean?"

I honestly didn't know how to explain it. I turned my back to them, leaning back against the counter. Closing my eyes in an effort to steel myself. I hadn't anticipated the interrogation, oddly enough.

"Should we be concerned?" Jasper pressed.

"No." I answered that one, but my voice quieted as I looked down at my hand. "I'm not stupid. I know the rules."

He was quiet for a moment. "Then should I assume him changing his mind doesn't have anything to do with you?"

"Huh?" I asked, turning back around.

"Mikah expressed interest in making certain changes to his diet." He replied, slightly amused. That was surprising.

"He did?" I asked, unable to keep my surprise completely hidden. Alice smiled, so I decided to play it down. "Well, that probably has everything to do with me. It would be safer for me, wouldn't it?"

"Technically, not really." Jasper replied. "The more.. Satisfied he is, the safer you are. A change like this is bigger than that. What he's attempting to do, is change his entire way of life. It's a very hard change to make, and he's aware of the struggles."

When he put it like that..

I shrugged.

"Oh, come on." Alice pressed, and I frowned a little, looking over at her. "This is big."

"What's big?" I asked, honestly confused.

"Remember how against just the thought of a partner you were? I do."

"Ugh." I frowned over at her, and she gave me a look. "Really. I'm still against it, Alice."

"That's not what I'm seeing." She countered.

"And suddenly, there's another player." Emmett walked in, joining the conversation. His arms crossed.

"What?" I was confused again.

"You've got to be completely blind." He chuckled, shaking his head. "I knew as soon as you kissed him that it would be straight downhill from there."

"No, no, no." I shook my head instantly. "No, no.. Uh-uh. It's nothing like that."

"Are you sure about that?" Emmett asked, clearly just as skeptical as Alice.

"_Yes_." I stressed. "Seriously. What's wrong with you?"

"Denial is a hell of a thing, isn't it?" He asked, but he looked at Alice.

"I'm not in denial." I argued. "I haven't changed my mind about that whole boyfriend thing. Yeah, I like Josh just fine, and Andrew too, but I'm not going back on what I said. I couldn't anyway, even if I wanted to. Which I really don't."

"Lie." Jasper pointed out, and it was my turn to give him a look. "I'm just saying."

"Well, stop saying." I snapped. I set my glass down carefully, despite my irritation. "It's annoying already."

"You don't even realize it, do you?" He honestly seemed curious.

"Realize what?" I sighed. Whatever they were getting at, it was bugging me that they hadn't gotten to it yet. Sometimes, it sucked having everything known by everyone in the house except for me.

"It isn't just about you." He said. "You can't play these games with people."

"No games." I shook my head. "Josh knows that I'm not changing my mind."

"You nearly did. Twice." Jasper reminded me, and I cringed.

"That was.. It wasn't like that." I argued. "And he called my bluff. _Both_ times, thank you, Mr. Eavesdrop."

"Leandra, I'm going to be honest here." Jasper sighed. He was finding this really difficult. "You're growing up. You have to be more careful. There's nothing wrong with harmless flirting, but that's not what you're doing. What _you're_ doing is sending a lot of very strong, very mixed messages, without even meaning to. To all three of them, and it's impossible for them to resist. I understand that sometimes these new emotions can be very overwhelming-"

"Ugh." I turned away, but he followed me.

"-But as far as I know, you can't hide from them." He finished.

"I get it." I headed toward my room. My usual spot these days.

"Do you?" He asked, and I paused in the doorway.

I spun to face him. "What are you so worried about?"

"I could ask you the same question."

"You already know that." I pointed out with a sigh. "It would be stupid."

"If that truly is your choice, then the kindest thing to do-"

"But I can't help it." I whined, turning again and walking into my room. "I've tried to ignore it. What's wrong with me?" I wasn't denying it anymore.

He smiled a little, following slowly.

"There's nothing wrong with you." He told me, watching as I sat down heavily on my bed.

"It sure feels like there is. I _know_ it's stupid to feel anything about anyone, but I can't not."

"I know it can feel like that." He nodded. "It doesn't have to be this complicated."

"It's not like it really even matters." I grumbled. "It's not like I can even pick Mikah. Everyone would throw a fit, and everyone hates Josh-"

"Can I tell you a secret?" He asked, and I looked over. "Nobody, not even us, can tell you who you're allowed to feel something for. Sure, we can do what we can to ensure your safety, but that's as far as it goes. You're still young. It's not wrong to feel like this, and of course you can't help it. You're only human."

"So you're not mad?" I asked hesitantly. "About Mikah?" There was no wondering. I knew he'd felt the way I'd felt outside, and continuing to deny that would have been stupid. Not if I could get some kind of clarity.

"You've always had a weakness for mortal danger." He answered, smirking. "It only makes sense that you would be drawn to the one that can protect you the best, but there's more to it than that. There's more to consider, and more risk. That's a very hard road, for both of you."

I looked down, so he continued.

"But I will say this.." He paused. "The way you feel about Mikah.. Doesn't come along every day." I couldn't help smiling, so I kept my eyes down. "Part of you knows that."

"All of me knows that." I corrected, glancing up shamefully.

"That's why it's so hard to deny it."

"Wouldn't it be stupid, though?" I asked, my small smile fading. "What about Mikah? Wouldn't he get into trouble for.. Feeling like that for me?"

"Aro?" He asked, and I nodded. That was my main worry. "You tell me. Aro's main goal is to make you happy. He wants your full cooperation, is that right?" I pursed my lips and nodded. "If that connection to Mikah was there even back then, who's to say he didn't choose Mikah for more than one reason?"

I actually hadn't thought of it like that.

"Is that a good thing?" I had to wonder.

"You tell me." He repeated, a lot more hesitant now. I knew what he meant.

"I can't tell." I admitted. "There's something more there, though. Aro's intentions aren't completely clear, like he's on the fence about something."

Quietly, he nodded.

"Like he was that day." I went on. "Like it's not even a full thought, or even a possibility yet. Like there's more." I looked over at Alice as she arrived in the doorway. I wasn't sure what I was looking for.

"I don't see anything." She admitted apologetically. I nodded. I knew she wouldn't, because no decision had been made. It was like a half decision, which only told me to be on my toes.

"Do you know what it could be?" Jasper asked, and I sighed. I frowned, focusing on the feeling. Whatever it was worried me. A knot of worry, or nervousness pitted in my stomach when I thought about it. That could be anything, though. Aro was a very intimidating person.

It had nothing to do with my family, just me. I knew that much.

"I don't." I admitted quietly. I was distracted for a moment by Mikah also arriving in the doorway.

"I can keep an ear out." Mikah offered, which surprised me.

"You can do that?" I asked. "I don't want him to think you're on the fence yourself."

He smiled a little. "Well, now that we know how much you like me.."

I rolled my eyes at his teasing, looking down.

"I'll see what I can do, princess." He laughed, and I nodded. I appreciated his help.

"Leandra, come here please." I looked over at Carlisle's call, frowning a little. He was at the front door, so I stood up again. I was actually getting tired of people showing up, but this one was surprising.

I approached his side before looking at who he stood there talking to. I was even more surprised to see Heather standing there. Especially at not even 5:30 in the morning. I was unsure, looking up at him. Mainly just trying to get the tone of their conversation from his expression, but given his expression, it wasn't a good one.

"Hi." I greeted her, confused. "What's wrong?"

"Honey." Heather was upset. "Please. I won't be mad, just answer me honestly." I waited, nervously glancing over at Carlisle very briefly. "When was the last time you saw Josh?"

I knew why she would think I wouldn't be completely honest about what I did, but I also knew this situation was a bad one, and I did what I did instinctively. I told the truth.

"The other day." I admitted with an apologetic sigh. "Tuesday. Afternoon. I ran away for a few hours, and he kept me company." That was clearly not the answer she wanted. She was terrified, but the tears I saw scatter free before she could turn away scared me. I gathered that she hadn't seen him in just as long. That set my heart sprinting, but I needed confirmation.

"I was with him from about 12:30, til about 4ish." I went on, glancing over at Carlisle, confused, before I looked back to her. "Carlisle found me around that time. I told Josh to go home. Why?"

"Do you know if he was going somewhere?" She asked instead. "Where would he go?"

Through my own fear, I looked down in thought. Searching my mind. I hated giving names, but I had to give her something.

"Kevin?" I suggested, and she shook her head. "Nate? Issac?"

"Zack already told me about them." She replied. "No one has seen him." I blinked in surprise.

"Nobody?" My stomach dropped now. That was really unlike him. "I know he said something about being able to go places while you were both at work. I don't really know what he does while I'm not around."

"You need to tell us exactly where you guys would frequent." Carlisle prompted and I immediately nodded. Through racing thoughts, I listed off every place around town we would hang out, truthfully and as accurately as I could.

"If he's not at any of those places, I don't know." I told her in conclusion. My voice trembling a little in breathlessness. "I got into a little fight with Sofia yesterday, but that was stupid."

"She told me about that." She nodded. "I talked to her last night. That's why she told me to ask you." I hated having to shake my head. She crumbled a little and looked at me in a way I'd never seen before. She was distraught, almost desperately at a loss. "If there's nowhere else, then I don't know."

My thoughts, reacting to her fear, ran wildly through my head. I was absorbing how bad of a situation this was. I was taking a long time to comprehend just what this meant.

I'd seen him Tuesday. She never really said how long he'd been gone. I closed my eyes in an attempt to find one question I could get out.

"H-How long?" I asked, and I vaguely noticed the waver.

"I last saw him Tuesday night, before I went to work." She replied. "Everyone else I've spoken to, hasn't seen him any time recently. Nobody will give me anything. Over the phone, or in person. I've been trying."

How the hell could they not? That pissed me off.

The last time I'd seen him was now stuck in my mind. The last time I'd seen him, he was walking away.

"He was acting weird." I recalled, capturing her attention. I couldn't help glancing over at Carlisle again, before I had to admit what I was about to admit. I knew he had probably already heard about this, but I only hesitated a second. "He tried to talk me into running away with him. I told him I couldn't do that, and I had to go home eventually. I thought he dropped the idea."

"Did he say anything about where you two would go?" She asked, and I shook my head.

"He just said he could make it happen." I replied. "I thought I'd talked him out of it. It doesn't make sense for him to run away on his own. Without me, he wouldn't have a reason to."

"I figured he was just pissed off, and spent the night at a friend's place to cool off." She added. "After our fight, I mean, it makes sense. One night, maybe. You know, normal teenage stuff, but _this_ isn't like him. To just not talk to us. I know he was angry, but he wouldn't do this."

"I told him to go back home." I stressed, and I really wished I had some kind of answer for her. I wanted to help her so bad. She turned, and gave herself a few seconds. I knew exactly what she was doing. When she looked at me again, she hid a lot of that emotion. She was trying so hard to be okay.

"Can I come with you? To look for him?"

"Thank you, sweetheart." She smiled tearfully. "But you should stay here for now. I promise I'll keep you updated."

I was suddenly so scared, for her and for Josh. She was absolutely right. He wasn't the type to just run away. He knew his mom, and how much something like this would break her. He and Zack both cared about her. They both felt protective of her, whether they realized it or not. I'd never known Josh to be mad at his parents enough to want to hurt them that badly. Much less Zack.

_Damn_. Zack had to have been going through so much.

Since Josh wasn't the type to want to hurt his family like this, that only left a few other explanations, none of them any easier to comprehend. If he would never leave on purpose, that meant something was keeping him from coming back. The reasons behind that were all very bad things.

Before Heather could turn away, I stepped forward and hugged her. I knew how much her family meant to her. She'd worked so hard for them, and I knew there was nothing she wouldn't do for her boys.

"We'll find him." I assured her as she returned my hug. "He can't be far. He wouldn't just run off. He'll be back." I would go with the least horrible option to attempt to calm her down.

"I sure hope you're right, baby." She replied, and I hated the way her voice trembled. I hated it, because she was the kindest, bravest, _strongest_ human woman I'd ever known in my life. She had gone through hell and back, and she still devoted her life to helping people. More than that, Heather had risked her life to save mine. She fought Jack for me. She deserved so damn much better than this.

I wouldn't argue, and insist, despite the way I really wanted to help her. Helping her meant helping myself. If I could help her find him, I wouldn't have to feel so damn _guilty_. I wouldn't argue with her, for her sake. She didn't need me to be a problem too.

I pulled back to look at her. "When you find him, kick his ass for me."

She sniffled and laughed, nodding tensely. "You got it."

I couldn't describe the feeling that filled me, watching her leave. If his mom didn't know where he was, and if she had reason to be this damn worried, well.. That wasn't good.

Josh was missing.

Nobody knew where he was. That was such an unimaginable thing, it literally didn't make any sense. I knew full well Carlisle was searching for my reaction by the fact that he didn't have one.

I knew he knew what Josh meant to me, along with the rest of the family. I honestly didn't know what I was feeling. It was as if there were too many emotions at once, and I just couldn't pick one.

Disbelief was more merciful, and I had no choice but to not believe it.

I turned and without a word, I walked back into the living room.

"You okay, shorty?" Emmett asked hesitantly, but I didn't answer him. He, along with everyone else in this room, had heard, and every single one of them were waiting for me to show some sort of something.

Even Mikah had stuck around. That was new. I didn't even notice at first, until Edward spoke up.

"Mikah." He spoke, already striding forward. "Can I talk to you outside." Away from me. He'd made that request a demand. I didn't care about that, though. Even with just learning what I'd learned about what I felt about Mikah. That had moved to the back of my mind, to become another topic to think about later.

Suddenly, I just wanted to cry. I didn't know where Josh was, or what he was doing, and it hurt so bad that I knew that wherever he was, he was alone. He could be hurt. The thought of that just made all of this harder.

I sat there silently for a few minutes, just staring at the floor. In the eeriest way, nobody moved. Besides automatic breathing, I was just as still as they were for once. I thought, and I thought hard, about every little detail I knew.

There was no denying that I was heartbroken. The fact that I suddenly realized that I haven't been able to 'see' him in awhile, in any sort of way, told me that I needed to start preparing for some really bad news. My gift couldn't find him anywhere, and that made me instinctively brace for the worst.

My mind had been trying to tell me something, I knew it, by the way he'd been on my mind more than usual. By thinking about him more, it was trying to tell me that he wasn't there. I didn't even think to look harder.

"I should have stayed." I finally mumbled, shaking my head. "I should have made sure he was okay." I closed my eyes, biting my trembling lip. I was trying so hard not to cry, but it hurt so bad, just considering the possibility that I might not see him again.

All at once, though, all of that was pushed away.

Absolutely not. I wasn't going to fall apart. I took a deep breath, and held it until the sadness eased. I looked over as Edward and Mikah both returned.

I took another breath, standing up.

"I have to do something." I looked right at Carlisle. "I have to look for him."

I would find him, and kick his ass myself for scaring me this badly. I refused to just sit around and feel sorry for myself, doing nothing about it.

"Leandra." Alice seemed hesitant.

"Why you?" Mikah frowned, approaching my side. I looked at him next.

"Maybe someone saw or heard something, and maybe they're too afraid to talk to Heather." I reasoned. "If they had seen something, none of them want to get into trouble for it. They know me. I'm safe. I have to talk to them myself, and like hell I'm just going to sit here and not do everything I can to help find him."

"It's not your job." He tried to reason. I just looked at Carlisle again.

"Please." I stressed. I had never, not once, asked for anything as important as this was.

Mikah started to shake his head, but to my surprise, Esme stood up as well.

"Mikah." She shut him up.

"Esme." Edward seemed unhappy, but she gave him an apologetic look.

She was gone and back again in the time it took me to blink twice, and there was suddenly something in my hand. Her fingers closing mine around my cell phone.

"Go, sweetheart." She told me, and I hesitated a few seconds, waiting for someone to stop me. Carlisle didn't even say anything, so I didn't waste any more time.

I ignored the heated arguing behind me, and I headed straight for my room to get out of my pajamas. I chose my usual outfit, jeans and a loose t-shirt, and I changed rather quickly. I didn't want to give anyone any time to change her mind. I had to admit, it was nice to be in real clothes again. I knew full well it was early, but they would just have to deal with it.

I nearly ran into Mikah when I opened my door again, but I stepped around him. Heading straight up the hall. I ignored the eyes on me as I walked through the living room. It'd been awhile since I felt this determined.

Clearly, what Esme said, went. She told me to go, so that was it. That applied to everyone. Surprisingly, even Mikah. I doubted he even noticed it, but aside from trying to talk me out of it, he wasn't forcing me to stay.

"Just wait a minute." Mikah urged me, following along beside me. "How can I be sure you'll be safe?" I rolled my eyes, leading him toward the front door.

"I know these people." I replied, pulling my shoes on quickly. "Don't even worry about me."

"Don't go." He actually tried to stop me. I looked at him incredulously.

"What do you expect me to do?" I asked firmly. "Just sit here and do nothing?"

"Let the humans handle it." He stressed, leaning over to block the door just a bit. I couldn't tell what it was, but there was something to that. I waved it off, though. I didn't have time for this!

"Fat fucking chance. I get you're trying to do your job, but right now, I'm going. You can follow me if you want, I don't give a shit. I'll be fine. You know that."

If he'd really been following me for years, he would know that where I was going was just as safe as my family was. If not a little more so, given the fact that those people were human.

"I get you're attached to this boy-"

"Good." I countered. "Then you get it. Move."

"Talk to me."

He wasn't going to move until I gave him something.

"I promise, I'll fill you in as soon as I can." I sighed. "It's a really long story, but the sooner I figure this out, the sooner he's found. I literally can't just sit around. So.. _Please_. Move." He studied me for a second.

Out of options, he sighed and stepped aside. I gave him a grateful look as I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on quickly as I opened the door.

I was actually pretty surprised when he let me walk out. As soon as I made it off the steps, I started to run, and I wasn't stopped. I knew that town like the back of my hand. I knew all the places I needed to look.

I knew right where I was going to start.

**A/N: Very rollercoastery. I hope it didn't make anyone throw up lol  
I'm sorry this took a little while. I had to add things and transplant between chapters. I got it figured out, though.**  
**THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU to my reviewers of last chapter! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!**  
**Chapter nine shouldn't take very long. I don't anticipate needing to add a whole lot between bits in the upcoming chapters, but we'll see. :) **  
**Until Nine, my friends!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

Kevin was our go-to guy. For pretty much anything and everything. He wasn't that much older than Josh, only a little over 2 years, but he took care of us like an odd big brother. Plus it helped that he had his own house. He provided a safe spot for the troubled ones, which was why my first stop was going to be there.

I had no idea if I'd been followed or not, but it was highly probable. It took me a bit of time to get there, because Kevin lived all the way on the other side of town, but I didn't mind walking in the least.

I gave another brief thought to how early it was when I jogged right up the steps to Kevin's house, and knocked sharply on the door. I looked around myself anxiously as I stood there on the porch, waiting the polite amount of time before knocking again.

Looking around was something I always did. Not that this was a particularly bad part of town, but it was just nice to know what was going on behind me.

I wasn't sure how long I had to be free, but I didn't want to waste a single second. I needed to get done whatever I was going to get done as quickly as possible. Quickly wasn't entirely an option when I was on foot, though.

I was just about to knock again, when I heard the door unlock behind me, and turned to face it.

I wasn't surprised to see Nate answer. Kevin and Nate were really good friends. Nate was always over here, and I suspected something else might have been going on. More than just normal friendship, but they were both eighteen and it wasn't any of my business.

Nate smiled as he recognized me. I had clearly woken him up by his disheveled look, but he didn't seem irritated.

"Hey." He greeted. "Long time no see, girl. How've you been?"

"Can I come in?" I asked. "I'm losing my mind."

His expression grew concerned, and he stepped back. I stepped around him, into the messy house I'd been in many times before. The same, mismatched furniture made me feel comforted. It wasn't the fanciest place in the world, but I'd found that that didn't take anything from it.

"This is about Josh, isn't it?" Nate asked, closing the door.

"Yeah." I replied, sighing. I found the closest chair, and flopped into it. I watched him wander over to the thin coffee table and grab a pack of cigarettes. Confirming that I'd just woken him up.

"I figured." He nodded, shaking a cigarette from the crinkled pack. "His mom was here yesterday."

"Do you know anything?" I asked, almost desperate. "I get why you wouldn't want to talk to his mom, but can you tell me at least?"

"I don't know what to tell you, Leandra." He really did seem apologetic. "He hasn't been here since you were last here." Weeks ago. Not since the start of the summer.

"Come on." I bounced a little. "You guys know everything."

He was quiet, lighting the cigarette he'd shaken free. He offered me one, and I immediately shook my head. As badly as I could use one, I really didn't want to go through all that again. He accepted that, dropping the pack heavily back onto the table. Followed by the lighter.

He chose to sit down as well. Stepping over and finding a seat on the couch. Nate was a very lean person. Lean, but strong. He looked thin, but he could pick me up just fine. His thin pajamas made that fact clear, even in the dim light of the early morning. He was tense. In his posture, and every movement, I could see that he wasn't saying something.

"Please?" I pressed lightly. "Anything?"

He took another drag on his cigarette, sighing heavily.

"I don't know how true this is, but.." I waited as he hesitated. "I _heard_ he and Lucas hung out recently, but you know Luke. Could have been Saturday, could have been Sunday. His memory is shitty."

Lucas and Nate were brothers, but no part of that made any sense.

"Why would Josh go see Luke?" I frowned. "Was everyone else busy, or what?"

"No idea." He admitted.

"Did Luke say what they talked about?" I asked, resting my hands on my knees.

He paused in thought, biting his lip.

He shrugged a little. "He said Josh was pissed. He didn't say why. Just that he was pissed."

I looked down, searching my thoughts. What could that have been? Andrew? That was around the same time, so it was possible.

"Hey, are you hungry?" He asked, that concern still there. "I can make something real quick. Thirsty?"

"No thanks." I sighed, standing up. He did as well. "I have a lot of looking left to do. Is Luke working today?"

"He doesn't go in 'til noon." He replied, and I nodded. "He should be at the house, but who knows."

"I'll find him." I nodded. "Thanks, Nate." He nodded, walking with me as I headed for the door.

"No problem." He answered, reaching over and opening the door for me. "I'm sorry I couldn't be more help, but- Hey." I waited. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah." I replied easily. "Why?"

"Because this is Josh we can't find." He replied. "He's literally always stuck to your side. You guys are together so often, when I heard he was missing, I thought sure you would have been with him."

I gave him a flat look.

He sighed, taking the hint and patting my head once. "If you need anything, feel free to come by again. Kevin should be up later. Do you have your phone back yet, or nah? I could have him text you."

"Yeah, but I'm not sure for how long." I said. "Can you have him text me anyway? With whatever he might know?"

"Sure thing." Nodding, he paused for a small smile. "Good luck, girl. Be careful, okay? Lot of weirdos around. You know we've always got your back."

"Thanks." I said again, and headed out onto the porch. I did know that. "If you hear anything, from anyone, please let me know. I'm freaking out."

"I will." He agreed. "Same, though. Let us know if you hear anything."

I nodded as well, sighing as I turned. Heading down the steps, back down the front walk. I couldn't help hoping, in a way, that someone was actually following me. Then they'd see for themselves that those guys weren't bad ones. They were always nothing but kind to me.

Luke, on the other hand, was a different story.

We usually avoided Luke because he drank way too much for our taste. I pulled out my phone and checked the time. He had to be at work in a few hours, so I doubted he was drunk. Now would be a good time to visit him anyway, even if he was probably still sleeping.

Luke was seventeen, but he worked instead of going to school. I wasn't sure he'd ever move out of his dad's house, and like every stereotype, he lived in the basement. It was a pretty cool set up, though, because the basement had its own entrance.

I didn't hesitate in approaching said entrance door, and knocking on it loudly. I waited as the dog barked next door. I heard movement behind the door so I waited patiently as he yanked it open. Wincing at the daylight that hit him in the face when he did so.

"Oh, hey." He forced a smile. He was the only one I knew that could function as well as he did with a hang over. "You knock like a cop."

"Josh." I got right to the point. "He's gone, and I want to know where he went."

"You question me like one too." He grinned, waving me in. "Step into my office." I rolled my eyes and stepped passed him into the bedroom area. It was an interesting layout.

I sighed as he closed the door, looking around. The unmade bed and clothes strewn everywhere made me a bit hesitant to sit anywhere. It smelled, unmistakably, like a boy's room. It made me uncomfortable.

I waited, watching as he took a quick drink of a beer sitting on the window sill among a small pyramid of empty cans. I knew by the face he made that it had long since gone flat.

"So." He sighed as well. "Josh. What is the big fascination with him lately? I already talked to his mom. You said he took off?"

"Josh doesn't just take off." I argued. "What did you and him talk about when you hung out?"

He smiled at me. "You, mostly."

"What about me?" I asked, and he chuckled.

"Something about a cell phone?" He frowned a little, obviously lost, but I understood. "He wanted me to go over there and spring you out. He wanted me to make up some bullshit story about how I needed your help with something, but I'm just not that good of a liar."

"That never would have worked." I agreed. "Not only do you smell like you're made of beer, you look a lot older than you are. We both would've been interrogated until we died."

"I think he was going to send his girlfriend over there instead, but I never heard how that went."

It was my turn to laugh.

"I punched her in the face." I admitted, and he laughed as well.

"She said she got hit with a baseball." He reported, and that was just as funny. "She really hates you, you know."

"I can tell. She never stops running her stupid mouth." I paused for a breath. "So is that why she was over there yesterday? Because.. That's not the feeling I got from her."

"Who knows?" He replied honestly. "He _could_ have talked her into it."

"How long ago did you see him?" He sighed again, closing his eyes briefly in thought.

"Saturday?" He guessed. "I'm pretty sure it was Saturday, because I had to kick him out around four to go to work." That was pretty believable. I sighed, disappointed again. That meant he'd seen him before I saw him last. That didn't give us any answers.

"So he didn't say anything about where he might go?"

"Last I heard, he was going home." He replied, surprisingly apologetically. "I'm sorry. I really wish I did."

Wrong.

"Stop lying." I rolled my eyes. "What did he really say?"

"I already told you." He chuckled, unsure. I gave him a look, and he sighed. "Come on, man. It's like seven in the morning. I don't remember."

"You better remember pretty quick." I warned, crossing my arms. I wasn't in the mood to put up with his shit.

"Ask Nate." He suggested firmly. "Maybe they've seen him."

"I just came from there." I replied. "He said you were the last of you guys to see him. He's been gone for over three days. His mom doesn't need this shit, now tell me everything you know before I have to-"

"Okay." He snapped. "Okay, here. Shit. He asked to use my phone. He called someone." I immediately held my hand out, and he handed it over. "I didn't listen in, before you ask. I don't know who he talked to."

I looked for the first unnamed number in the list of recent calls, and found one I knew had to be the one he called. 3:34pm on Saturday. I took out my phone and copied the number, before handing him his phone back nicely, sighing.

"Thank you." I told him. "I'm sorry I'm snappy. I'm just worried. This isn't like him, you know?"

"I get it." He nodded. "You two are usually inseparable. I'm sorry I lied at first-"

"Nah." I waved it off. "I got what I needed. I'll let you know if I find anything out." He nodded, watching as I made my way to the door.

I left there, already looking over my phone. I wound up just stopping on the middle of the sidewalk. I did a quick search for the number, to see if it maybe belonged to a business. I didn't recognize the area code, but that didn't mean much.

To my surprise, it was a California number. It didn't belong to any businesses, so that meant it was a personal number. I narrowed my eyes at it, sighing heavily in frustration. He called this number before we spent that day together. As far as he'd told me, he would've still had his phone when he used Luke's phone. Why wouldn't he just use his own phone? What the hell was he up to?

I tapped my phone against my hand as I thought, looking around me.

The only real way to find out who this number belonged to was to call it. I shook my head, moving the few steps ahead to a bench beside the sidewalk. Taking a breath, I pressed the 'call' button. It rang only a few times before someone picked up.

"Hello?"

I narrowed my eyes at the voice on the other end. It sounded so damn familiar. The natural gravelly hint to it wasn't something I could easily forget. It was clearly not anyone his age. Older. I was thinking so hard, I forgot to speak.

"Hello?" The man spoke again, slightly impatient. That prompted me to speak.

"Um, hi." I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry to bother you, but a friend of mine called this number last week, and.. I guess I just.." What the hell was wrong with me? Out with it, dumbass. I normally didn't feel this hesitant.

"I see." He replied, amused. "And who would your friend be?" I was having such a hard time remembering this voice. It was distinct. I knew it from somewhere.

"Josh." I answered, and he was quiet for a moment. "Hartley."

"Well, it definitely rings a bell." He was playing with me, given his chuckle. "Long time no talk, Miss Leandra."

My stomach sank as I finally figured out who this was. I'd had only a few conversations with this man, and the last time I'd seen him, Alice was chasing him off. It was Ken, Heather's father.

I didn't know what to say at first, but he took pity on me.

"He called me to ask me for a loan." He said. "I wired him some money on Monday, but as of this morning, it still hasn't been picked up. I was just heading that way myself."

Shit.

"Why?"

"It seems my grandson is missing." He replied easily.

"How did you know that?" I frowned.

"I was contacted by the police yesterday morning." He answered. "They wanted to know if I'd seen him. I have not."

Of course. Extended family and whatnot.

"Besides." He went on. "What other reason would you have for calling me?"

"Well, whatever." I muttered, rubbing my face with my hand. "I would stay out of Heather's way. She's on the edge."

"I don't doubt it." He chuckled. "How are you doing, Leandra? It's been awhile. How old are you now? Thirteen? Fourteen?"

"I didn't call to chat." I pointed out. "I just didn't know who this number belonged to. I wanted to find out."

"Surprise."

God, his voice still chilled me. It grated on my nerves very quickly. I was about to just hang up when he spoke again.

"Do me a favor, and don't let my daughter know I'm coming." He said. "I'd like it to be a surprise. You and I should catch up, though. I wouldn't mind seeing you."

"Hell no." I snapped lightly, cringing. "You promised I'd never have to see you again if I told you everything. I told you everything, now it's your turn to stay the fuck away from me."

"I know about what happened this summer." He replied conversationally. "Did you have fun? I'll bet you did. I'm just sorry I missed you."

It wasn't going to work. I wasn't going to let him know that he was getting to me.

"Did Josh say anything to you about what he needed the money for?" I asked, annoyed.

"He might have." He said. "But I'd rather wait. I don't think this is the right kind of conversation to be having over the phone. Meet me, and we'll talk."

I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but on the other hand, he might have known some important information. Anything was helpful at this point, if it meant finding Josh.

"I can't." I replied anyway. "I'm supposed to be grounded for what I did. Just tell me now."

"It was nice talking to you, Leandra."

I sighed in irritation, and I hung up. I shuddered. I wasn't in the mood to put up with his mind games. Heather was the very next person I was going to go see.

I paused long enough for another shudder before standing up.

I managed to focus, and made my way toward her house. I doubted very much that she would be at work in a time like this. Sure enough, her car sat in the driveway, so I wasted no time crossing the street and making my way up to the door. I'd promised to tell her if I found anything out, and this was a pretty big detail, even if it didn't lead anywhere productive.

Zack was the one that answered the door, and his normally energetic self was very still. I could see immediately that he was taking this hard.

I stepped forward and hugged him without a word, which he returned. It was a very heavy feeling, trying to hold someone together.

"I know." I told him, and no part of me thought any less of him when I felt him shake slightly with a sob. He and his brother were also pretty inseparable. It was hard, thinking of him without Josh.

I'd cried, sure, but I was more focused on finding out where he went than I was on being broken.

I let him hold onto me as long as he wanted to, not wanting to rush him.

"I need to talk to your mom." I said as he pulled away, and he nodded. Averting his eyes shamefully, he gestured to the stairs. Meaning, she was probably up there. "Thank you. Hang in there, okay? I'm doing everything I know how."

He nodded again, and I got moving.

Taking two steps at a time, I made it to the top right as Mark was leaving their bedroom at the end of the hall. His normally warm and inviting face was now steel. I could see, as we passed each other, that he was holding absolutely everything back. I saw it, because I felt it too.

He touched my shoulder on my way passed, and in that light touch, I understood. This was his oldest son too. He knew I was doing everything I could to help, and he was telling me to be easy on Heather. Whatever I had to say, I needed to say it carefully. I knew that.

I sighed and continued on. The door was open, so I peeked in, and the sight of her nearly broke me. She was hurting. She sat there, on the side of her bed. Slouched forward, her head in both her hands.

Unable to speak at the sight, I lightly tapped on the door, gaining her attention. She looked over at me, and though it only took a split second, I saw the mask go into place. The one that covered everything she might be feeling, but even that mask was cracked.

"Hi, sweetheart." She greeted quietly, waving me in. I hesitantly walked in, and she sighed heavily as she pulled me to sit beside her. Hugging me into her side, which I allowed. I understood. I had become such a normal part of their house, seeing me had to be somewhat of a comfort to her.

If she wanted to hold onto me to hold herself together, she had all the permission in the world.

She sighed eventually. "I thought I said to stay home?"

"I had to do something." She didn't even argue with that. She already knew I couldn't just sit around after news like that.

"How are you doing, honey?" She asked next.

"Not good." I replied, and she nodded. No. There was no way in hell Josh would do this to his mom on purpose. "Have you heard anything?"

"Nothing yet." She murmured, so I slowly leaned away. She figured it out. "Have you?"

"Not much." I mumbled, glancing over at her. "Maybe something." That took her attention. I wasn't quite sure how to tell her, so I took out my phone, and brought up Ken's number to show her. It took her only a second, but rather quickly, she recognized the number given the way her expression fell and she looked at me.

"Lucas said that Josh came by last week to use his phone." I explained carefully. "On Saturday. This was the number he called."

"Honey, that's-"

"Ken." I nodded. "I know. I talked to him."

"No." She shook her head, horrified. "You can't do that."

"He said Josh asked him for some money." I went on anyway. "He said he sent it, but it was never picked up."

"How much?" She asked, and I realized I never asked.

"I-I don't know." I admitted apologetically. "I didn't really want to talk to him for very long after I figured out who it was."

"How did Josh even get this number?" She frowned down at my phone.

"Um.." I hesitated. "There's.. There's more." She looked back over at me, waiting. "He's coming here." She immediately stood up, so I decided to explain quickly. "He didn't want me to tell you, but there's no way I wasn't going to. He said he might know something, but he wanted me to meet with him before he'd tell me."

"Thank you." She replied softly, despite her obvious tension. "For telling me, but honey, it's not safe. Remember what I told you before?"

"Yeah." I answered. I remembered. "I know."

"Now, more than before, I need you to promise me that you'll stay away from him." She was very firm about this.

"What if he knows something?" I asked hesitantly. "I can get him to talk. It could be important. He could tell us where to find Josh."

"No." She stressed. "I'm serious, Leandra." She was serious last time, too.

"I'm not scared of him." I assured her, standing up as well. "I'm not some stupid little kid anymore."

"Listen to me." She sighed, placing her hands on my shoulders and turning me to face her. "You're right. You're not little anymore." The way she said that confused me, and her tone made me think there was something I was missing.

"I'll be fine." I assured her again, still confused. "I'm not little anymore. I could knock his ass out before he could ever hit me, if that's what you're worried about."

She pulled me into a hug, but she shook her head.

"If he knows something, I know I can make him tell me." I hated the truth in that, and so did she.

"Even if he knows something." She replied. "Stay as far away from him as you can. You don't understand how much I need you to promise me."

What could I do? She was very adamant about it.

"Okay." I muttered. "I promise."

The second I left there, though, I was sliding my phone out. I wasn't scared of him. I kept walking as I typed out a text message. Right to Ken.

'Time and place. We'll talk.'

I dialed Carlisle's number next. My heart pounded, so I took a breath to calm it down. He wasn't going to like what I was going to ask him.

"Leandra?" He answered.

"Can I borrow Emmett for awhile?" I asked, and before he could even answer, I heard Emmett in the background.

"Hell yeah, shorty."

I smiled.

"Just listen for a second." I assured Carlisle, sitting on the curb. "I found some things out, but I have to meet someone to talk. He wants me to meet him to talk about what Josh was doing."

"Who?" He asked and I sighed again. I was hoping he wouldn't ask.

"Ken." I replied, steeling myself. To my surprise, he didn't immediately tell me no. I didn't press it. He knew who Ken was, so I expected it to be a resounding no.

"And I'm assuming you're under the impression that he won't tell you what he knows if Emmett is there." He said, and I blinked in surprise.

"Yeah." I agreed. "But I really don't trust this asshole, so I want Emmett to be there, without Ken knowing. Can that happen?"

"Be safe, Leandra." He replied, which was him giving me the go ahead and I smiled. I was stunned.

"I'll let you know when and where, and Emmett can meet me there." I sighed. "Thank you. So much. You have no idea how much this means."

"I think I have an idea." He assured me. "Thank you as well. For talking to me about this first, and being honest."

It was that simple?

"I'll be fine." I told him. "I know you said you couldn't trust me anymore, but I swear you won't be sorry. Let me earn it back."

"I believe you, Leandra." He replied. That wasn't the same as trusting me, but it was definitely a good start.

Right as I ended the call, a text message came in.

'Park. 8pm tonight.'

I stared at the text message.

I assumed he meant the same park he'd taken me from, and though that unnerved me, I could easily think of a few places Emmett could stand ready, just in case.

I thought about it. I wanted to go back home and tell them what I knew, but Mikah might not let me out again.

So instead, I sent a text to Carlisle with that information. I also told him my reason for not just coming back, and said I would stay in town and look around until it was time. I wanted to look at all the usual hang out spots to see if I could find anything there.

I promised him I wouldn't get into any trouble while I was out. He agreed, telling me Emmett would be there, and I told him not to worry about me. I would do whatever it took to find out where Josh went.

I wouldn't blow it this time.

I was getting tired, though. I hadn't slept well the night before, so this was going to be a challenge.

"Leandra." I looked over as Zack came walking over. I wasn't far from their house, so I wasn't surprised he spotted me here.

"Hey." I stood up with a sigh. "You should stay with your mom."

"You're going to go looking around." He figured out. "I want to come with you."

I sighed, looking down. I thought quickly. Heather would be alright.

"Okay." I finally agreed. "But let's go get Andrew. We could use his help, too." He nodded, agreeing with that.

Together, we headed up the street. I knew he was just taking on my mindset, refusing to sit back and do nothing. He and his brother were very close, but Zack could be resourceful if he put his mind to it. He had his own crowd.

I respected that, and actually didn't mind his company. This trip, though, reminded me a lot of the day I first met Josh and Zack. I'd spent a lot of time at Andrew's house by that point, and the day he led me over to get his stray notebook back from Zack pretty much changed everything.

Andrew was the one that answered the door, and given his expression, he knew everything already. That wasn't a surprise. Richard was probably the first one Heather went to.

"Come on in, guys." He waved us in, and we didn't hesitate. Being drawn in by the smell of breakfast cooking. I doubted Heather had felt much up to cooking the last few days, so Zack didn't complain either.

"You heard?" I needed to confirm.

"I heard." He sighed, closing the door. "My dad has been home like fifteen minutes the last two days. He was gone all night, trying to help find Josh."

"Do they know anything?" Zack asked. Again, not surprising me.

"If they do, he's not telling me." He replied. He led the way into the kitchen, where I spotted my mom. She was the reason behind the smell of breakfast. She greeted us with a sad smile.

"Zack." She hugged him first. "How are you holding up, sweetie?"

"I've been better." He replied quietly. I knew that was a fact.

"I was just about to take breakfast over to your mom." She said. "You and I need to make sure she takes care of herself." That was smart. "Do you know if she needs anything?"

"Josh to come home would be a start." He sighed, sitting down at the small kitchen table.

"I know." She replied, sighing as well. "I can't imagine what she's going through."

"We need to borrow Andrew for a few hours." I told her, and she looked to me. "I was let out to look for Josh, and I don't want to waste it."

She nodded again, and turned her attention onto him.

"If people are going missing around here, I think it's a good idea you go with them, but stay together. Just in case." She said. "Keep your phone on you, though. All three of you."

Andrew and I both nodded. Zack was already helping himself to a stack of bacon on the table. I couldn't help it either, reaching over and grabbing a piece.

"There's more." My mom told us, not at all offended. "I had a feeling you guys would come by. Eat first." I wondered if that was part of my inherited gift. Whatever it was, it got me bacon, so I wasn't complaining.

There wasn't much conversation while we ate. Andrew eventually joined us. As hard as I tried, I couldn't read Zack. That worried me. It was clear by how quiet he was that his mind was somewhere else, and I understood that, but what could he be thinking about so hard?

Eating really helped, so by the time Andrew was dressed and ready to leave with us, I was the one leading the way. I carefully controlled my thoughts on the way out the door, just to remain in my determined state. I couldn't help thinking, though, and that chipped at it.

Josh would be doing the same thing for me if I disappeared.

The person I decided to visit from there was pretty surprised to see me when we showed up at her front door. Of course, it being a small town, everyone knew where everyone else lived. I had to admit, her house was pretty nice. Nothing fancy, but it was nice enough.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Sofia snapped at me, slamming the door behind her as she stepped outside with us.

"What the hell happened to your face?" Zack piped up, but I looked over at him.

"That's not very nice." I pretended to scold him. "Some people are just born that ugly."

I was so sure that would have made him laugh. Instead, he only cracked a small smirk. That was hard to see, which squashed my tempter.

"What do you want?" Sofia demanded. "What? Came back to give me a matching black eye?"

"That depends." I shrugged. "You gonna piss me off?"

"We need to know what you know about Josh." Andrew got right to the point. "What day was the last time you actually spoke to him?"

"Did Josh ask you to break me out?" I was curious.

"Sunday." She answered Andrew instead, giving me a look. "For _some_ reason, he wanted me to try to break that animal out of her cage for him. I told him hell no at first. Then, when there was no word from him for days after those two spent time together _behind my back_, I.. Admit, I got a little mad. I finally did show up. Not to break her out, but to talk to her. I actually hope she stays miserable."

"So sweet." I muttered sarcastically, but her recollection made sense.

Unfortunately, we left there without me absolutely needing to punch her again. If she used a baseball as an excuse, I would gladly volunteer to be the baseball that hit her again. I smiled at the thought of a baseball pummeling her.

With that piece of the puzzle, though, we didn't know anything more. All she did was confirm what Lucas told me. Josh had been working on a plan to get me out, but why? Could that have been what the money was for? I kicked myself again for not asking how much he'd requested.

We moved on.

We covered that entire town from top to bottom. We talked to so many people, most who knew other people, I would have been surprised if there was a single person in town now that didn't know who Josh was and that we were looking for him.

We checked the same places we often visited, and we actually wound up back at Kevin's house. He was awake now, and just as apologetic as Nate was earlier that morning. He ordered pizza for us for lunch, but the whole wait was killing me. I wanted to get back out there, because there _had_ to be somewhere we missed, but I had to also consider just how much work we'd put in already.

I watched Zack as he blatantly stole a cigarette from the pack on the table. I shared a glance with Andrew, and I could tell he knew how badly I wanted one, but I didn't. When I didn't move to get one, he reached over and held my hand. I appreciated that.

I didn't think any less of Zack, though. This was hell on him too. It just wasn't like him to smoke cigarettes.

"Have you guys checked that old apartment place?" Kevin asked, coming back into the room. He didn't even look twice at Zack, handing him a beer. He'd already asked if I wanted one. I turned it down, so he handed Andrew and I a soda instead.

"Twice." I muttered miserably.

"What about the school?" He asked next, sitting heavily on the worn couch.

"He wouldn't go there." I replied, looking over. "He hates school. It doesn't start for another two weeks."

"You never know." He said, and I shrugged.

"We'll check that next."

"Where else did you have in mind?" Nate asked.

"I'm going to the barn." I replied. "I should have-"

"You should have started there." Zack seemed surprised.

"I wanted to work my way to it." I muttered defensively. "We spent a lot of time there." He knew what I was getting at, and he looked down.

"I remember the day he first brought you to me." Kevin smiled in an effort to help me out from under the blame. "I know it wasn't that long ago, but you've really grown up."

I smiled sadly, looking down. I had, so that wasn't just a random comment. I'd done a lot of growing since I was twelve. All the moments I'd spent here with Josh ran slowly through my head.

The weekend Kevin first got this house, last year now, we spent the night. My family thought I was at Josh's, so that wasn't an issue. It was these stairs Josh convinced me to slide down in a laundry basket. I hit the wall so hard, the window rattled.

I smiled at the memory, but it quickly faded, and I felt like crying. I couldn't let myself do that, though, so I reached over and stole Zack's beer. Two drinks from it wouldn't do anything but smooth out my jagged nerves, and I handed it back to him.

He understood, placing his arm around me. Thankfully, not minding. I knew he felt bad for his light snap just a minute ago, but I understood.

"It's so weird to see you without him." Kevin commented. "I know he'll turn up somewhere, guys. Don't worry so much."

I wasn't at all as confident as he was, but looking at Zack, I felt like I needed to be. Especially with his arm still around me. I couldn't imagine how he was feeling, but me, I felt oddly empty.

"He's never done this before." Zack added, his eyes on the table. "Never."

We ate in silence, thanked Kevin for lunch, and we were right back out. The main reason we stopped here for a rest, was because further along this road, was the old barn. The very same one I'd just visited with him the other day. It was plenty deserted enough to be a good hide out if someone needed to hide out.

I led the way. I kept my eyes down, searching both sides of the overgrown path for any hint that he'd been here more recently, and by now, the afternoon had grown quite warm. It wasn't horrible, but muggy. Normal for late summer.

I walked in first, fighting the rusty hinges to force the door open.

"Ugh. Do you guys smell that?" Andrew was the one to speak up. I knew what he meant. It smelled musty as hell in here, but I didn't care. I was used to it.

"It's not a field of roses." I replied, and he shook his head.

"Not like that." He frowned, walking in around me. I frowned as well, watching him. All I smelled was the old, damp hay. What I always smelled. He stood in the middle, looking around in thought. I decided to look in the loft.

I pulled myself up the steep ladder, and crawled onto the old wood. There wasn't much room up here, but there was plenty of hay to pad it. I just had to be careful of the weak spots.

I didn't see anything out of place, looking around as I kneeled up. I looked down at Zack and Andrew on the main floor, but Andrew was off to the other side, looking for something.

Andrew eventually joined me up here, pulling himself up. I sighed as he carefully crawled over to me, off in the far corner near the opposite wall.

"Nothing." I told him, but he was looking down. I looked down as well at the hay under us. Curious as he swept his hands through it for only a moment.

To my intense surprise, he pulled something out.

I gasped loudly, recognizing what he'd pulled out. I reached over and snatched it out of his hand, pulling it to me.

It was Josh's phone. I tried to turn it on, but it was long dead. I wondered how long he'd been without this. Since that visit with Luke? Was that what made him ask to use his phone? Maybe he'd come here, and lost it, so he had to use Luke's phone to make that call.

"How did you know this was here?" I asked, unable to hide my shock.

"I don't know." He replied, clearly just as shocked.

"What'd you find?" Zack was halfway up the ladder.

"Josh's phone." I replied, crawling toward him. Andrew stayed. I showed Zack the phone, and he pulled it to him. He inspected it, trying to turn it on as well. All while still clinging onto the ladder.

"I know where his charger is." Zack told me, sliding the phone into his pocket. He started down.

"Leandra." Andrew called my attention again, and I looked over. He nodded me over, so I turned and headed back. He looked concerned as I neared. I didn't ask out loud, because I gathered by the look on his face that I should keep it quiet. I braced myself.

He looked down, at the hay beneath us. He swiped his hand over again and I saw instantly what made him pale like that. Under the top layer of hay, on the thin layer right on top of the wood, there was a patch of red that had made it through and stained the wood below. It took a second to sink in what we were looking at.

I felt my own face pale as well, looking up and meeting his eyes. It was blood.

The stain was very small, so though it was very concerning, it could have been a scraped knee. It could have been anything. It probably wasn't even-

"It's his." He whispered as quietly as he could before I could comfort myself with doubt.

"How do you know?" I asked again in my own whisper. That was weird.

"I just know." He answered, and I looked back down at it. Seeing it differently. Maybe he hadn't lost his phone here. Maybe the phone lost him. I shook my head. Andrew was so sure, but I refused to believe it.

"I have to let my dad know about this." He whispered.

I understood that, but there was one problem.

"If we give him the phone, we'll never see it again." I pointed out. "Let me look at it first." Thankfully, he nodded.

"Be careful." He was right behind me on the way out of the loft. I knew it well enough to know where not to place my hands or knees. It was a lot easier getting up and down that ladder sober.

We joined Zack outside, and we headed quickly back to his house. Andrew broke off at his house, because he saw his dad's car in the driveway.

We weren't sure how long we had with the phone, so Zack and I hurried along, straight into Josh's room. Being in here was pretty painful, especially because it smelled like him. I missed him so much, but I had other things to focus on instead. I crowded next to Zack on the far side of Josh's bed, watching as he plugged the charger into the phone.

The screen lit up, but it was cracked in the corner. Like it'd been stepped or sat on at one point, but that was new. He was usually very careful with his phone.

Zack gave it a few seconds before turning it on fully, and we waited impatiently as it started up.

I inspected it closely as the home screen came up. Messages and missed call notifications came pouring in.

"Messages." I told Zack, but he was already ahead of me.

In the long list of messages, there were quite a few unread. That wasn't like him, so he must have been missing his phone for awhile. I saw the one Edward had sent him from the phone he'd tried giving me, and one other read message, but above that in the list, there were quite a few from other people. More coming in the longer the phone was on to receive them.

Ten unread texts from Heather, eleven from Mark. Another seven from Sofia, but I ignored that. I poked on the last recently read messages, and I narrowed my eyes at Matt's name at the top. The last one seen was sent on Tuesday evening, so that answered that question.

They were all taunts. Some about me, some about him. They'd been going on for awhile. Starting a few days after that party. Josh never replied to any of them, but I saw a few that probably made him want to. Why didn't he just block his number or something?

"None of this is making any sense." I growled, standing up. I was getting frustrated. He wouldn't have gone to California to settle anything with Matt. He was too level-headed for that, given the fact that he never replied to any of his messages. None of this probably even mattered.

"I'm going back out." I sighed, and Zack looked over.

"I'm going to keep looking through this." He lifted the phone. "I'll let you know."

I appreciated that, nodding and turning. I needed to get out of that room, but I needed to stick around. At least until 8. I was out of options until Ken showed up, though. I could go back to the barn and look around, but no doubt it would be swarmed with cops until they figured out what the hell happened there.

I decided to go spend that time with Andrew. I had a few questions for him, so I stopped by his house again. My mom answered the door, and informed me he was upstairs.

His room hadn't changed much over the years. He'd traded his twin sized bed out for a queen, and changed the corner it sat in, but other than rearranging his furniture, it was the same as I always remembered. He laid face down on his bed, looking wiped out.

"Knock knock." I muttered, and he turned over enough to look at me and smile tiredly.

I didn't blame him. Running around town all damn day had me pretty wiped out too, so I crossed the room, and laid down next to him with a heavy sigh. It felt pretty good to lay down, I had to admit.

"I told my dad." He informed me, laying his head back down. "He said he'll let everyone know." I nodded, throwing my arm over my eyes. Okay, it felt _really_ good to lay down.

"I'm sorry, Leandra." He told me, but I was too tired to respond at first. I just reached over and placed my hand over his face.

"Don't tell me that." I mumbled quietly as I let my hand fall to rest between us. "I don't want anyone to be sorry, because being sorry means there's a reason to be sorry. There can't be a reason."

"Okay." He replied, and fell quiet himself.

I wasn't even sure how long I was laying there before I fell asleep, forgetting all about my questions, but I woke up when I tried to roll over, and Andrew was still there. I pushed myself up on one arm, and squinted one eye open. The room was nearly pitch dark, and it took me a second to figure out that I was alive again, when my phone vibrated under me in my back pocket, indicating a call. Poor thing, I'd been sleeping on it.

"Dammit, I fell asleep." Was how I answered the phone. I forced myself to sit up, looking at the window of all things to tell the time. It was nearly dark outside. I turned and forced myself up off the bed.

"Is everything okay?" Naturally, it was Carlisle. I tripped over a few things, but I made it across the room and closed Andrew's door as I left. I had somewhere I needed to be.

"What time is it?" I asked, groggily.

"7:33." He answered. "Emmett is already there." I swung around at the bottom of the stairs to make it out the front door right as Richard was just walking in.

"Leandra." Richard called after me, and I paused to look back at him. "I need a word with you."

I groaned. "Shit." I turned my attention back to the phone. "I'll tell you everything when I get a chance. Richard has to talk to me. Tell Emmett I won't be late."

"Okay, Leandra." Carlisle replied. "Be safe."

"I will." I assured him before I hung up.

I wasn't sure what to expect. It was unusual for Richard to insist on talking to me, but then again, I thought about what I'd been up to all day. I was surprised he hadn't talked to me yet.

I looked to him again. "Will it take long? I have to be somewhere."

"A few minutes." He replied, gesturing me back into the house. I groaned again, and walked back in. He shut the door before offering me a seat in the living room, but I preferred to stand.

"You've been busy today." He told me when it became clear I wanted this over with. "I've heard your name come up quite a bit."

"I've been around." I shrugged, my hands in my pockets. "So has Zack and Andrew."

"Believe me, I'm going to be talking to them too." He replied lightly. "But for now, I'm told you're the last person other than family to have supposedly seen him."

"Heather told you that." I understood and he nodded. "I ran away for a few hours, and I went to his house. He was just leaving when I got there, because Mark just left. Josh and I were together until about 4, when my dad found me with him. Can I go now?"

"Did he say anything weird or off?" He asked, crossing his arms. I didn't want to admit to it. I didn't want him to think that this was somehow all his doing. "Did he mention meeting or seeing anyone?"

"No." I answered easily when he let on where his thoughts were. "When I left him, I told him that he should go home, and he agreed."

He nodded, and worryingly, I could tell he didn't know whether or not to believe me.

"I know, okay?" I sighed. "I get it, but I really have to be somewhere right now. Can I come back tomorrow? I'll answer whatever you want to ask me then. I'll bring my dad, too, because he was there."

"Stay home." He said, but that was his way of agreeing. I nodded. "And, Leandra.." I hesitated. "Just a word of advice. Stay out of the middle of this."

"Why?" I frowned. "It's Josh. I have to find him."

"You three are in over your heads here." He said. "Let us do our job."

"If it wasn't for us, you guys never would have found that barn." I countered.

"And your fingerprints all over the place." He added for me, but I was defensive now. "I'll sure be having a talk with your parents about the importance of not letting you meddle. Seems Carlisle, at very least, should have known better."

"Cool." I replied firmly. "Fuck off. You're just mad he's on my side for once, or maybe he knows you never would have found anything without our help."

"Stay out of it." He repeated, and his tone was firmer than mine was.

"Or what?" I frowned again. "You can't stop me. You think just because you're with my mom, I have to listen to you? I don't care. You can have her, but I'm looking. Get over it."

He gave me a look, so I crossed my arms. I wasn't backing down.

"And while we're at it.." He continued. "The last thing Andrew needs is a bad influence. It would be great if you could consider that next time you drag him around with you."

"Well, I don't know." I replied curtly. "At least he'll have _some_ kind of influence, since you're never fucking here."

He obviously didn't like that, but again, I wasn't backing down. He could get mad at the truth all he wanted. It wasn't my fault for pointing that out.

"I think we should just leave this discussion right here." He told me flatly. "I'm telling you again. Stay out of it. Get going."

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes and turned for the door. I knew I was lucky to still leave here without at least a smack for talking like that to anyone, much less a cop. Much, much less, Andrew's dad.

He'd helped me quite a bit when I was younger. I owed him a few times, especially for overlooking everything he found out. He could have had my ass, and Josh's for actually being caught with things he shouldn't have had, but he chose not to.

He finally saw what a past like mine could turn a person into. Those things I never let myself look at, covered by the pressure I was under to live while I could. An outward reflection of exactly how I felt inside. I always hid it around him, but after being found out for the things I was up to, I saw no reason to keep it up.

It was 7:43 by that time, so I still had a few minutes, but I didn't want to take my time. Dusk had already been and gone, and there was hardly any light left, so getting through the back corner of the fence separating this street from the park on this side was a little tricky, but I managed it.

I didn't really stop to let myself think about what I was doing. I was far more irritated by Richard trying tell me what to do. What would _he_ do? Arrest me?

It was dark out here, and _so_ quiet. As muted as my steps were over the grass, they sounded loud. Even the busier street on the other side of the park was deserted, and for some reason, the one street light in the parking area wasn't on.

There was one car in the parking lot, and I knew it wasn't him by the way it was just leaving when I reached the bench. I sighed and sat down, looking at my phone. It was 7:50, so any minute, he should show up. The darkness made me nervous, especially by the way it kept getting darker by the minute.

A breeze blew, and in it, there was a certain chill. Now that I'd stopped for long enough, I could smell the changing seasons in that breeze. The first signal of the colder months to come. I smelled that chill just as easily as I'd felt it. It was going to rain soon, I noticed as I shivered a little. I also suddenly realized that I'd left my jacket at Andrew's house.

I couldn't shake one feeling, though.

"Stay close, Emmett." I whispered, curling forward a little to try to hide my arms. "Something doesn't feel right."

I listened hard for a response, and the only response I heard was a light rustling in the small group of trees off to my right. Maybe a few feet away from me, so I knew he heard me. He was closer than I thought he'd be.

Idly, I kicked a rock that direction, watching as it disappeared into the trees. A second later, it was returned. Rolling across the ground until it lightly hit my shoe. That was only a distraction, as I suddenly felt a light sweater draped over my shoulders. Because I noticed that, Emmett must have had plenty of time to return to his hiding spot, because I never saw him.

I smiled, laughing, despite the situation as I got to work finding my way into the sweater. Of course, this was his sweater, so it was absolutely massive on me. I had to push up the sleeves a bit, but I didn't mind. In the least. I loved baggy clothes. Baggy clothes hid things, which was good, considering who it was that I was waiting on to show up.

I took a deep breath as that smile faded, sighing. I gathered and brought my hair over one shoulder, because it was bugging me.

"You okay, shorty?" It was weird hearing Emmett talk to me, and not see him.

"Not really." I muttered, looking down at my hands. "Richard's mad at me for helping. He just doesn't get that I literally can't sit around, waiting for a bunch of stupid cops who don't even know Josh to find him. If I stop looking, I'll lose my mind." I paused. "Plus, I'm still tired."

"I can tell." He replied.

"Can you do me a huge favor?" I asked the darkness, and he waited. "I know you're here to help, but.. Let me handle him. Stay close, but stay there."

"I'll try." He allowed after a moment. "But if I see him do something I can't live with, I'm punching his face in. I'm all for facing your fears, but I'm here for protection. I take my job seriously."

I nodded. I understood that, and I was glad he understood my side as well.

"Thanks." I replied.

"Heads up, shorty." He told me, and I looked back over my shoulder at the parking area. He probably heard a car approaching. Emmett had never seen Ken for himself. He only knew what I'd mentioned, and what Alice no doubt had told them. This would be interesting, but I felt safe with Emmett there. If anything, I had to worry about Ken's safety. If he was anything like Jack, there was no way he'd be able to help himself. He would try something.

It was easy to spot the headlights pulling into the parking area, and I was instantly on my feet. I recognized this car, even in the dim lighting, and all of me was tense as it pulled to a stop in a spot close by.

I waited in silence as he turned the car off, taking away all the light. I wasn't that good at seeing in the dark, so I heard more than saw him get out. I crossed my arms, an insecure move I hated but wouldn't argue with.

"Leandra." His voice had a smile in it. "Damn. Look at you. The years have certainly been kind to you."

"Just tell me what you're going to tell me." I called, watching as his shadowy form came closer.

"What's the hurry?" He asked, and I could finally see him. Somehow it was hard to even look at him. I clung to every bit of bravery I had, but every part of me was screaming at me to run. The only way at all I was able to stay standing there, was because I knew Emmett was watching.

"I want to find Josh." I answered firmly. "That's my hurry, so just.. Tell me."

He smiled again. "What makes you think you even can?"

"Because I know him." I narrowed my eyes. "Way more than you do."

Something really didn't seem right. I could just not trust him, but at the same time, I knew it was more. It didn't seem like he had anything to do with Josh's disappearance, I knew that much, but there was something more to this visit than he was letting on.

Just looking at him was setting my instincts in a panic, though. Jack had looked a lot like this asshole, and I saw a lot of his features that I recognized. Even after all this time, it made me nervous to see those features this close to me.

"You two must have been close." He replied conversationally. He was good at that.

"I'm not in the mood for any fucking games." I couldn't help snapping. "I don't fucking like you. You said he told you-"

"Ah, now I never specifically said that." He reasoned, shutting me up. "Did I?"

Didn't he? It confused me how I couldn't recall. That just pissed me off.

"Whatever." I grumbled, shaking my head. "You're just wasting my time. Fucking asshole." I turned, more than ready to just walk away, but he caught my arm. Lightly, not hard in the slightest, but enough to stop me and make me spin.

_Fuck_ no.

I managed a quick punch to his face, unfortunately not right in his nose, but more than enough to get free.

I retreated a few steps, my breathing instantly racing. I was fine, but until I assessed the situation, I was prepared to either fight or run. Despite that, though, I was glad Emmett had stayed put. I was okay.

He had been knocked back a few steps as well, clearly not having expected that.

"Don't fucking touch me." I warned him, but he only chuckled. Shaking his head, as if I'd actually managed to daze him.

"I probably deserved that." I didn't trust his calm any more than I trusted him. Why was he trying to be so nice to me? To make me lower my guard? Fat chance. He smiled. "I'm sorry."

He held his hands up, as if trying to ease me, but damn. Hitting him had felt good. Almost as good as it felt hitting Jack that day. Unfortunately, though, that memory only tore at old wounds. I turned away, reaching up and covering my eyes with my hands.

That memory was clearly not one I'd focused on in a long time, and it still nearly caused me physical pain. Jack's last day alive. I didn't expect to have that memory come forward as quickly or forcefully, and that pissed me off, but I needed to calm down.

"It's been a really long day." I sighed heavily, turning to face him again. "I'm really tired. Do you know anything or not?"

He was quiet for a moment before he nodded back toward his car.

"I have something to show you."

"You can just tell me." I immediately shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere near your car. After what you did last time? Do you think I'm that stupid?"

"You would be if you don't come look at this." He replied simply. "You wanted to know what I know, and I'm trying to show you."

I hesitated. I wasn't sure if Emmett was okay with that or not. It was several feet further from where he stood, but that didn't mean much to their speed.

"What is it?" I asked, suspicious.

"A video." He replied. "A rather.. Revealing video that might answer some of your questions."

I continued to hesitate, until he sighed, turning away.

"Can't you just bring it to me?" I asked at him.

"It's on my laptop." He answered. "The battery is a little finicky, so it's got to stay plugged in." Dammit, that was a valid excuse. Convenient, but valid.

"Send it to me." I countered. I really didn't want to go near that car, no matter how much I wanted to know what was on that video.

"It's too big to send. I tested it."

Dammit.

"Do you want to know or not?" He asked firmly, and I glanced to the side. Right toward the trees. I didn't look too long, because I didn't want him to get suspicious, but the temptation was too much.

I first took one hesitant step forward, before taking another. I glanced over at him as he waited for me to walk passed him before following me. I stood back quite far, though, as he opened the front passenger door, reaching in and actually pulling out a laptop. That eased me a little.

The cord reached the hood, so he was able to set it down.

"One thing I'm not sure you're aware of.." He said, distracted by opening up the laptop. "Is that that house you were staying in, was mine." My heart sank a little, and I stayed quiet, so he went on. "I had a security camera installed in the backyard." My eyes widened, and I tensed in response. "Just out of curiosity, I thought I'd take a peek. I've found some pretty interesting things on the footage taken from that week you spent there."

Fuck. Shit. Dammit.

Still wide eyed, I looked toward the trees again. If that thing was pointed in the wrong direction, it would show everything.

Ken looked back at me in my silence, his smirk illuminated by the screen.

"I'm guessing you have an idea what I'm getting at." He said. "Come here."

Shakily, I walked over, and before I even got close, I could see the screen, and on the screen, was the entire porch. I hadn't seen any cameras, but then again, I'd never really looked _up_. Just _out_.

"Shit." I sighed, already dreading everything he was about to show me.

"I've compiled my favorite clips." He informed me. Of course he had.

Pretty much my entire first few days were on that video. Every cigarette I had, every beer I'd stolen, every joint I'd smoked. Me, Josh, and even Zack. My heart pounded uncomfortably the entire time those moments played. It was so weird seeing myself.

"Here's an interesting one." He mused as it moved on. The night Josh and I snuck out. I grimaced in dread, cringing as I looked away. "No, no. You gotta watch. I'm rather curious about something. Keep watching.."

The very next clip started the same night, but much later.

In one frame, the porch was completely dark and deserted, and the very next, Mikah was there, letting me down onto the porch. There was no in between. Not there one split second, there the next split second. I watched the video as Ken lightly placed his hand on my shoulder. Leaning down just enough to speak right into my ear.

"Can you tell me how that happened?" He asked quietly.

"I don't know." I replied tensely. "Maybe the camera fucked up."

"That camera doesn't fuck up." He countered. "I don't know what I'm looking at, but is that not you? Throwing up all over my back patio?"

I didn't say anything. He touched the screen, tapping it with his finger.

"That's definitely you, but who is that boy?" He asked in my silence. "You sure seem like you know him. Interesting, isn't it? And.. Poof. He's gone."

I shook my head as the video showed just that.

I stood stiffly, ignoring his hand lingering on my shoulder. Together, we watched. I looked like hell. Worse than I remembered, and seeing the worry on my mom's face, even grainy night vision, bothered me. The clip ended when Richard lifted me into his arms, and we got to see me lose consciousness. Falling limp in his arms.

I closed my eyes, turning my head away from the sight shamefully.

"Let's continue." Ken murmured, standing up.

The next clip, given the date, was taken two days after I'd gone home. This one interested me, because I knew this was what he was getting at. I looked closer at the screen.

It was around midnight when the video showed Josh leaving the back patio, just to the edge of the camera's view. It was clear he was talking to someone. He stood there for almost a full minute, before stepping back in what looked like agitation. He was mad.

Someone else was standing there with him, telling him something he didn't approve of, given the tension I saw in him. I jumped a little as Ken paused the video right as the camera showed the other boy's face.

"Do you know him?" He asked. I stood quietly, studying the image. I had to admit, this was pretty worth it. It was a huge clue, but then again, it could have meant anything. Just like with everything else.

"I don't know his name." I answered honestly. "But he looks like someone we were with at that party. It's hard to tell." I looked up and over at him. "Does he show up again?"

"No." He answered, playing the video again. "Heather left with the boys a few days later." The other boy was only there for a few minutes, and Josh just turned around and went back inside.

"I wish I knew what they were talking about." I frowned, stepping back. I was a little surprised when he let me. "They didn't even seem like they were that close."

"Did you find anything today?" He asked, again conversationally.

"Other than your number, not really." I replied. "Everything's just running me around in circles. How much money did he ask you for?"

"Specifically three grand." He answered easily, as if it was no big deal. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but that answer floored me.

"For _what_?" I asked, stunned.

"He didn't say."

That was a _lot_ of money. I stood there quietly while he put the laptop away.

"Are you satisfied?" He asked as he closed the door.

"No." I sighed. "But I guess it was good to know."

"Are you going to even bother trying to explain that clip?" He seemed really interested in that. "You can start with explaining who that boy was."

"Nah." I replied. "He's not important. I don't even remember." He gave me a look that clearly said he didn't believe me, but there was no possible way for him to prove otherwise.

"I think it's pretty important." He started slowly toward me, and I retreated a few steps. "Don't you find it a little weird?"

"What?" I asked quietly, watching him. I wasn't going to be caught unprepared in case he decided to try anything.

"First it was Jack." He explained. "He wound up dead after meeting you that day. Now we can't find Josh. After meeting with you. Who's next?"

"Neither of those things were my fault." I had to think, though. It _was_ weird. Jack was killed because he was in the middle of hurting me when they got back in time. Josh went missing after I escaped to see him, but Josh had never hurt me. He was considered a bad influence, but that was about it. Nobody would have a reason to hurt him. The coincidence, though.

I hated it. I could feel it, though. He was snaking his way in, getting under my skin. By the time I realized that, he was already in.

"I find that very interesting." He nodded. "I think you have a lot to answer for." I didn't bother replying, but I swallowed nervously.

We stared each other down for several long seconds. When he finally moved, he just pointed at me.

"You're hiding something." He concluded. He had no idea.

"No I'm not." I countered calmly, despite how my mind went straight to Emmett nearby. I was hiding a very big something.

"Well, let's see what the police think about that." He said just as calmly.

"I'm talking to them tomorrow." I tossed back, smirking. "I'm sure your little video is going to be just as helpful to them as it was to me." Which wasn't at all. I stood there as long as he did, and oddly, it felt personal.

I wasn't afraid of him.

That was purely because Emmett was nearby. Having him as back up, that knowledge meant that I could use his strength to find my own. I'd never fully realized what that kind of thing felt like, because I'd always been doing it wrong. I always tried to be strong on my own, but that was never right.

"How do you do that?" Ken finally asked, taking my attention again.

"What?" I asked in return.

"Just.. _Stand_ there and piss me off." He asked, and I blinked in surprise. That was a new one. "I've never felt so much hate for one girl before."

"Should I be flattered?" I asked incredulously.

"I really don't know." He seemed just as confused.

"How do you do that?" I asked in return. He hesitated, narrowing his eyes.

"I'll bite." He finally allowed. "Do what?"

"How are you so normal one minute.." I started. "Then go full fucking psycho in two seconds flat?"

"You really have no idea?" He smiled at me, and I had to admit, that was very unsettling. "You know, I haven't forgotten where you came from. I've heard many things about you, girl."

"I know. You said that before." I countered, ignoring the way my heart sprinted. As confident as I was, I was also getting very pissed off. He wasn't allowed to do that. It was too similar.

He could tell. Despite the way I didn't move a muscle, he could tell he was getting to me. I was rooted to the spot, anger and stubbornness keeping me still, even as he slowly approached.

"You already know the answer to that question." He went on. "So normal one minute, full psycho the next. You know, because you do it too. You have that gift. That hate."

I refused to move. I wasn't backing down, and though I knew full well Emmett was more than ready, I wouldn't give the okay. Ken got within arms length of me, and the closer proximity made me tense, but I refused to move.

"It's not an inherited trait, Leandra." He murmured softly. "It's taught. It's learned. It's what comes when part of your humanity is beaten out of you."

"I'm still not scared of you." I muttered, steeling my expression as much as I could. He nodded, carefully reaching forward and capturing a stray lock of my hair

I quickly brought my hand up and slapped his away, but as soon as I did that, his other hand came up and quickly grabbed my neck, just under my jaw. I squeaked as my throat was constricted, and he pulled me closer.

"No." I gasped out, but I wasn't talking to Ken. I wasn't afraid of him, but I had to admit. The strength in his one hand was a little scary. His forearm was solid under my hands.

"No?" Ken questioned, chuckling.

"I'm still not scared." I told him, despite how tightly he held. "You're stronger than me. I already knew that."

He didn't reply to that, holding me there. I did what I could to look bored as I finally looked at him again. His small smirk, even in the dark, made my stomach clench.

I tried to cringe away from him so close, but he held me fast.

"Do you even know how lucky you are that Jack owned you, and not me?" He asked quietly. "Hmm? I'd put you right in your place. Quickly. He was too soft on you."

I gave a harder fight, but again, he held me fast. I refused to let him do this to me. He met my eyes, so damn close that I could see the intent there.

"Did you know that?" He asked in my continued silence. "Jack had a soft spot for you. I kept telling him to give me one weekend with you.. But he never would. You wanna hear it? I've had that weekend planned for awhile."

"No." I said again, my glare on Ken. "You wanna hear about Jack's last day?" His eyes narrowed. "There are things I never told you. He was alive when he left my house, but I wouldn't say he was in one piece."

"Be very careful." Ken replied, somehow even quieter.

"I fought back." I continued. "Doesn't that just piss you off? It does, doesn't it? I fought back, and he lost. I'm not afraid of you. I can kick your ass just as easily-"

I cut off as he tightened his hand, jerking me closer to him as my throat closed off completely. I had to admit, I did panic at first, struggling in his hand. I couldn't help it. It took me a second or two, but I remembered that my hands were free.

As hard as I could, I punched him in the ribs. He released me, but backhanded me roughly with his other hand at the same time. I hit the concrete parking lot hard, and through my dizziness, I glanced over as much as I could at Emmett suddenly approaching. He was clear-headed enough to move human paced, but that was about it. No human on Earth could look that terrifying. Not even Ken.

Ken didn't even notice his approach until Emmett was right beside him.

"Excuse me." Emmett spoke firmly, finally gaining Ken's attention. Ken had just enough time to look over at him before he was punched in the face again. One second he was there, the next he was on the ground. I'd never seen anyone put down that quickly.

My vision spun, though. It'd been a long time since I'd been hit that hard, and it was somehow only getting harder by the second to shake off.

"Fuck." I groaned, rolling forward and fighting to get to my hands and knees. I only then realized I'd hit my head when I fell. I couldn't open my eyes.

"You okay, shorty?" He seemed just as worried about me as he was angry at Ken. I didn't even have it in me to fight as Emmett gently helped me to my feet.

"That hurt." I muttered, shaking my head. I swayed a little on my feet, but I was okay.

"We're _never_ doing that again." He told me. "That was pure hell."

"Sorry." I sighed. "But we should go. In case he wakes up." The last thing I needed was for him to point fingers at my family.

"One sec." He replied, striding over to the car. He opened the door, reached in and took the laptop. Next, he crouched next to Ken and took his phone.

"Sweet dreams, asshole." Emmett grumbled as he stood back up and turned to me again. I was grateful when we started leaving.

"Shouldn't we call someone?" I wondered, glancing back.

"Probably." He replied, but made no move to do so.

We made it home without a hint of an issue, but I knew from the ache across my face that I was bruising pretty bad.

"I'm fine." I called as soon as we were through the door, but before I even finished saying that, Esme was there. Inspecting my face, clearly worried. So I repeated myself. "I'm fine."

"What happened?" Carlisle asked, suddenly arriving as well.

"The fucker hit her." Emmett responded. "I'm glad I laid him out. By the way, he might be dying." I looked over at him. "What? It'll be worth it to send that fucker to hell with a broken face."

"And at least two broken ribs." I couldn't help laughing, but the smiling part hurt. "Ow."

"Oh, and.."

I looked down as he plopped the laptop in Esme's arms.

"That's probably not the only copy, but it'll buy time." He said, looking to Carlisle. "He had video evidence of the kid bringing her back to the house that night. Explainable, but still don't want to risk it."

"We'll take care of it." Carlisle sighed, returning to inspecting my face.

"I'm fine." I sighed again. I really just wanted to sit down. Thankfully, they let me lead the way into the living room. I could still feel every emotion bubbling angrily in my stomach and chest. I really didn't know which one to focus on first.

I sat carefully in the first chair I came to, sighing and resting my eyes closed for a few seconds. It felt nice to be home, but my face was really aching now.

"What did you find out?" Carlisle asked me, and I remembered I had yet to fill them in. I was a little surprised they hadn't been following me themselves.

"Not much." I admitted sadly.

Emmett sighed. "Where's the kid?"

"Right here." I looked over at Mikah's voice in the doorway, but he was very unhappy. "Why didn't anyone tell me about this?"

"You need to pay more attention." Emmett snapped at him as Mikah walked forward, crouching briefly to look at me. "You were caught on camera, genius."

"Where?" He frowned, standing up.

"In California." I answered, and he looked down at me. "And I'm fine-"

"Have you seen yourself?" He asked pointedly, and I shrugged.

"I can tell, okay?" I grumbled. "This is nothing."

"What happened?" He asked, and one glance at Carlisle told me that they hadn't filled him in. It really bummed me out that I was no closer to finding Josh than I had been that morning.

I sighed heavily and stood up.

"You guys fill him in?" I requested. "A little bit? I just.. _Can't_ right now."

I was already strung out as it was, and I needed to get somewhere to be alone. I had so much to think about. I didn't really feel like being bothered, so I decided on a shower. I could sit in the shower for an hour, and nobody would bug me.

It was calming, and the smell of my soap soothed me, but I was still rather depressed when I finally made it back to my room. My hair was still damp when I found my softest pajamas. I just wanted to warm up, but with warming up, I couldn't stay numb.

I couldn't handle much more today. I was overwhelmed, but suddenly, I wasn't alone. Mikah carefully kneeled beside my bed. The look on his face was just as concerned as it had been the night he saved me on the beach. He looked at me like something breaking, and he didn't know what to do to help. Like he knew his strength wasn't nearly enough to hold me together.

I wasn't going to complain. I was too busy drawing my knees up and I stopped fighting the tears. I just let them come. My heart was so heavy, and I couldn't hold it up anymore.

After the day I'd had, I had no choice. Forcing myself to keep going with the hope of finding _some_thing that would lead me to figure out where Josh could have gone had taken its toll on me now. That hope was squashed in the parking lot, the moment that video was over.

Then came everything after. The shock of hearing Ken bring up that time in my life. I would have been lying if I didn't anticipate something like that, because I'd known he knew, but it was different hearing him say those things so close. It was too personal, and the fact that he managed to just barrel right through my protective walls and get right to the spot I tried so hard to protect shook me on a much deeper level than his hit had.

I had a lot of wounds to nurse now, and for right then, I didn't even know where to start. The crushing disappointment at my best not being enough to find one of the most important people in my life. Embarrassment, shame, fear brought on by Ken and his words. The overwhelming sense of failure that covered both those topics. On top of just the fact that more than likely, Josh was gone.

I knew full well that all of this showed up in the way I cried, but Mikah stayed. I didn't make him leave.

I was beginning to really see how far Mikah's job went. It didn't involve just protecting me from things that could kill me. It wasn't just stopping me from making stupid mistakes, or cussing people out. He was here to guard me when I wasn't strong anymore. He guarded me when I was vulnerable, and fragile, to keep me safe, even when I didn't really need it here.

I felt him there more than I saw him, and in that moment, it really dawned on me how much he meant to me. Somehow, even though we were never allowed to see each other, I'd known he was there the whole time. It was part of the reason why I always felt like I could do those things.

I had known it while not knowing it.

He meant a lot more to me than I was admitting before. I couldn't handle that thought. I looked over at him, where he kneeled beside my bed watching me, and even through my slowing tears, I saw that he looked at me like he admired me. Like he really wanted to help.

"Talk to me." He murmured quietly. "What happened?" He must have wanted to hear it from me.

"Nothing." I sniffled, keeping my eyes down.

"This.." He reached up and cleared a tear from my cheek with the back of his finger. "..Doesn't look like nothing."

"I was stupid." I sniffled roughly, unable to help the sobs as I looked over at him. "I ran my stupid mouth, b-but I couldn't stop. I wanted to piss him off as much as he'd pissed me off."

"I think you achieved that." He replied carefully.

"No, he hit me because I punched him first." I admitted.

"Why wasn't Emmett keeping you safe?" He asked. I knew he needed to understand it, so I had to explain.

"Because I asked him not to." I answered. "I wanted to do it on my own. I just wanted.. I don't know. I just wanted to know I could."

"Who is he?" He still didn't understand that part.

I braced myself by taking a deep breath, sniffling to clear my eyes of left over tears. I sighed heavily. I got the feeling I'd be explaining a lot.

"Do you remember the day you and I first met?"

"Of course I do, nameless-little-human." He was trying to cheer me up. It worked slightly.

"Do you remember why we met?" I asked, looking over.

"I remember." He replied.

"Same guy."

"See, I knew I should have killed him back then." He nudged me gently. "But that doesn't explain why you would willingly go meet him, princess."

"Well.."

"Is this part of the long story you wouldn't tell me?" His memory was amazing.

"Yeah." I sighed. I hesitated for a moment, just sorting my still-dizzy thoughts. "I don't even know where to start."

"Just tell me who he is." He replied with a small smile.

"It's not that easy." I said, and I took another breath. "His name is Ken. Jack was his son."

That made it a little more clear.

"Jack was my stepdad." I went on, despite how I was sure he knew that part. "And he was one very sick son-of-a-bitch. He treated me like shit. Think the worst, and you'd be right." He was quiet. "I came to stay with my family, because of the things he did to me. When Jack was killed, Ken came here to question me about it, because he knew I was the last person to see him alive. That's the day you met me."

"I see."

I fell quiet, though, my mind returning to the eerie similarities of before. It was too similar. Something didn't feel right.

"So why tonight?" Mikah pressed. Keeping me on topic.

"I'm not done with backstory." I muttered, and he nodded. "Ken is also Heather's dad."

"Josh's grandfather." He understood.

"Yeah." I sighed. "I found out from Luke this morning that Josh had come by the Saturday before I last saw him to use his phone. Ken's number was the one he called. I didn't know that's who the number belonged to, so imagine my surprise when he was the one that answered." I still wasn't done, so he stayed quiet while I paused.

"I asked him if he knew anything about where Josh might have gone, and he said it wasn't a conversation he wanted to have over the phone." I continued, stretching my legs out. "He was already on his way here, so he said he wanted me to meet with him. I know it was stupid, but that was the only lead I had. I needed to know what he knew, so I met him at the park."

"And that didn't go as planned?"

"It went fine, until he tried to threaten me." I mumbled. "I wasn't afraid of him. I wasn't giving him what he wanted, so he.. Tried harder, I guess." His eyes narrowed a little, listening. "Last time, he did say Jack had told him everything, but that was as far as that went. He'd never.. He didn't use it against me like he did tonight. That pissed me off, but-"

"Used what against you?" He asked hesitantly. "What did he say?"

"I can't repeat it." I shook my head a little. "Anyway, when I still wasn't scared, he grabbed me. When I punched him for it, he hit me. It happened so quick, like right after I hit him, so Emmett didn't have time to-"

"He should have been right there." He shook his head as well.

"He wasn't, because I asked him not to be." I repeated. "Like I said, it was personal. I wanted to face him by myself."

"Why?"

"Because I'm stupid?" I guessed. "None of it made any difference. All that video did was make me sad. I just can't help thinking, you know? Maybe I didn't know Josh as well as I thought I did."

"You aren't stupid." He replied quietly. I started to shake my head, but he spoke again. "Really. You're not. I get it, wanting to stand up for yourself. More than you know."

Hesitantly, I looked back over at him.

"You're not stupid for wanting closure, but men like him, and men like Jack.." He paused for thought. "They're made of unmet ends. Nothing adds up, or makes sense. You don't need to put yourself through hell to feel whole again, princess."

"Easy for you to say." I sighed.

"You're plenty strong without it." He went on. "And you don't even see it. Perhaps that's what makes you so strong. Without that quest for closure, you don't know what to do with yourself. It keeps you going."

That one felt a little too personal.

"Believe me." He said, quieter now. "I get it." I suddenly felt unsure about denying it. He did know.

"How..?" I couldn't even finish that question, and he gave me a sad smile. Sighing as he rested his arms on the side of my bed.

"It's a long story." He replied, assuring me with his tone. "But let's just say my father wasn't the nicest man either. My mother was useless." I carefully sat up. I hadn't heard this part of his story before, and it interested me. "I had a lot of siblings, but I've never had a family."

I hesitated. "Is that why you hated leaving them?"

I hated the nod he gave me.

"I was the second oldest in my family." He explained gently. "I did everything I could to protect my four younger siblings. I lived for protecting them. That was my job from the time I was old enough to do it, until.. Well, my last day."

I felt so horrible for him. My heart hurt for him. I'd never been able to imagine what it would have been like to have a younger sibling to protect. Much less four.

"So it's what I do." He added, giving a small shrug. "I guess I never lost that instinct when I was turned. Between you and me, I suppose you could say that I need you just as much as you need me."

"That's why Aro chose you." I understood, and he nodded.

"Watching over you, no matter the reason, has given me a purpose." He admitted. "That's a very powerful thing, because without one, I would have had no reason to.. Be. Exist, I guess."

I still felt sad, though. My heart now hurt for him too. He'd lost so much, yet he was probably the kindest person I knew. He was so patient. That, and the fact that he had a chance to learn a lot from my family probably had more to do with his decision to change his diet than I did. He couldn't possibly fit here any more than he already did.

"What?" He asked, probably reading the emotion in my eyes. In reply, I just leaned over and hugged him. He seemed just fine with that, hugging me in return. I was so grateful for that, because I needed one of those so much.

When I finally pulled back, he patted my leg lightly and stood up.

"I'm sorry you're hurt, princess, but give me half an hour. He won't bother you again."

I was suddenly fed up.

"Don't you fucking dare." I must have surprised him with my response, because he actually waited. "I'm so fucking sick of people dying. No more. Fuck's sake!"

He smirked, amused.

"I'm not kidding." I snapped at the sight. "And if you say one goddamn word about me trying to "protect" him or fucking whatever, I'll punch you in the face myself. It's not about how you fucking feel about it. It's about people fucking dying. Stop it. Enough's enough."

I paused to take a breath, and he carefully helped me to my feet. I swayed a little, but I found my legs could hold me again. I might have been knocked on my ass, but honestly, it wasn't like I didn't deserve it.

"And hell.." I added, looking up at him angrily. "If we're just gonna _off_ anyone that's ever hit me or pissed me off, we might as well just level the whole motherfucking town. I. Hate. Everyone."

To my surprise, Mikah started laughing before I'd even finished my speech. Unfortunately for my already confused emotional state, his laughter was contagious.

"The things you say never cease to amaze me." He told me while I regretted laughing so much. My face really ached, as did my head.

"I just hope Emmett was listening." I called pointedly toward the door.

**A/N: This one got slightly long, but it's okay. I hope it was worth the read.  
THANK YOU to my reviewers of chapter eight! You guys are ALL AMAZINGLY AWESOME! THANK YOU!**  
**Chapter Ten looks right now like it'll be the last in this story. :( Unfortunately. It's going to be rather emotional, so I hope guys are prepared for that. Not just because it's the last in the story. **  
**There is still one more story left to go through after this one, though. I don't think it'll take me too long to edit all the way through, as I'm already six chapters into it, so that'll be coming soon too. Don't fret. ;) **  
**Until Ten, my friends! :D**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

I got my answer moments later when I returned to the living room when Emmett was still there. I was glad he listened to me, instead of running off to finish the job.

I sighed and sat down beside Esme, but that's when feeling like a failure really kicked in. I'd done everything I could think of, and it didn't bring me any closer to finding him. I was at a loss now. Even what I did find didn't go anywhere. I felt like I'd been running in circles all damn day long.

"Can't you track him?" I asked, looking over at Esme. "Or something? Anything?"

"If he's been gone for days, I really think any scent would be too faded. Especially with the weather we've been having." She responded apologetically.

I didn't like not knowing what to do. I didn't like not having a plan 'B' or 'C'. Especially when it was about finding one of the most important people in my life. I always had an answer. I always had some trick up my sleeve, but this time, my arms were bare.

He'd just vanished. How was that possible? I'd just been with him. He couldn't just be gone.

But he was.

That hurt so damn much. I should have fought harder to stay with him. I should have run away with him, or something. Maybe if I'd stayed with him, even just long enough to see he got home safe, I wouldn't be in this much pain.

"It's not over." I refused to believe it, despite all the evidence staring me in the face.

I hugged her again, completely at a loss. If something had happened to him, how had I not known it? How had I not anticipated something like this? Something about the trick they'd played on me that day must have confused me. Now it was too late. The absolute worst time for me to find out that I wasn't foolproof.

I couldn't refuse to see the last possibility anymore. It was the only explanation. Nobody was saying it, but they didn't have to. I knew it already. I'd hidden it for too long, and now, I couldn't help thinking about the last few hours I'd spent with him.

Mikah stayed unusually quiet throughout these moments. Normally he would have told me not to let it get to me, or make some sarcastic comment in an attempt to cheer me up. Nothing. I just kept my tired eyes on the floor, stuck being miserable while I thought about all the things I should have said while I had the chance.

I went to bed that night, and laid awake. As much as this feeling sucked, I was glad I could hold it together as long as I did and as well as I did. I knew I should probably get some sleep, knowing I had to talk to Richard in the morning, but I couldn't. I felt sick again, and I felt cold. Actually cold. I shivered, and I cried.

I wasn't sure what time I finally fell unconscious. It was sometime after the rain started up. After such an emotional day, I really wasn't surprised when I started to dream.

Lucky me, I had the worst nightmare that night.

The similarities I'd seen in Ken that entire interaction had come back full circle, only serving to refresh my memory of Jack. This nightmare, I was back in the park, only this time, it was Jack there.

Whatever sense of security I had in the park while speaking to Ken just crumbled like a house of cards the second I saw Jack again. Fluttering to the ground in tatters. It was just a dream, I could tell it was just a stupid dream, but that didn't stop me from being terrified.

My heart pounded hard enough to hurt as I forced myself out of that dream. Unfortunately, I was stuck. I was paralyzed by my own mind, the fear overwhelming everything else. Too scared to even breathe, I had to force it.

I hadn't held this tight to anything in a long time, holding tight enough to tremble, but it actually took me awhile to notice that it was a hand. I noticed that right as I looked up, meeting Carlisle's concerned expression.

I had to give all I had not to sob out loud. I had to literally bite my lip to hold them back. Every shallow, forced breath shook along with me. I hadn't felt this strongly, also in a very long time.

"Breathe." Carlisle reminded me. "You're okay."

I was stuck like that for what felt like years, until I could finally stop biting my lip enough to breathe without sobbing.

My heart took a lot longer to calm down, and with it, I was able to let go of Carlisle's hand. He'd come in, probably realizing that I was having a nightmare. Just like he always used to. I grabbed onto whatever was closest as I was waking up.

I hurt. Seeing Jack so clear again, just right there, caused a reaction that was something I couldn't hide from myself. I had no choice but to react to it.

I was just about to let him go, when I crumbled. I thought I was okay, and that allowed it to come back. I immediately started crying. My heart was so broken, for so many different reasons. It had built up, and that dream had been the final push.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't keep these quiet. All the time I spent burying it had absolutely nothing on these. All the time I spent thickening my skin and denying myself the chance to be anything but strong did absolutely nothing for me. I broke, and it hurt.

Carlisle's hand turned in mine, just enough to hold onto mine in return, and it was such a harsh reminder of the day I met him, it only made it harder to breathe. The thing was, only he would understand. He'd been there. He was the one there with me that whole time. Every single second he could.

He was in that sitting area with me. When Jack showed up to pick me up. He stepped up for me, coming between Jack and me without a second thought. From the second I met him, that's all he'd been trying to do. To stand between me and whatever danger I faced.

Carlisle had literally pulled me, so little and worthless, out of my living nightmare with this same hand, holding onto mine.

He stood by me, so fragile and weak, the rest of the exam. He talked me through giving my statement. Offering to take me in, giving me a chance. Saving my life, the day of Jack's trial. All the moments in between and afterwards.

Now I did understand. I now did fully realize how much I was asking of him, but he had to know how much I was asking of myself, just by how hard I held onto his hand. I still trembled. I still felt cold. I didn't even have enough strength to sit up, but he was there. He wasn't going anywhere, so I closed my eyes. I searched so hard for that steel I always was.

Almost three years ago, the day before I was dragged to Brazil and the day I first got my crest key, Alice told me something. It really stuck.

_"Leandra, your gift gives you the ability to see what's in store. With that, comes a certain responsibility. It's your job to inform everyone else of what's coming, but how you do that is everything. If they see you crumble, it's easy for them to lose hope.."_

I was crumbling, but I was also the one losing hope. I'd made my choice, though, because I knew the second I looked into Aro's eyes, that it was the only choice. I was stuck, facing the brunt of a hopeless situation, and I was trying to make myself be the only one bearing the weight of those emotions alone. It was becoming too clear, too quickly that that wasn't happening. I was hurting them too, so it really wasn't that simple.

I loved them more than absolutely anything, and a hell of a lot more than I loved myself, so knowing that my cooperation was the only way to keep them together, safe, and happy meant that I had to be stronger than stone, but I was failing.

I had to be stronger than the debilitating need to be selfish, but it was _so_ tempting. I had to be more stubborn than anyone, especially myself. I had to be torn and ripped in half. Little by little, day after day. Like a rat in a maze, I desperately searched for another way. Any other way. Running full force into a brick wall when I'd get it wrong, and punished with 'seeing' the entire 'what if' scenario my searching led to.

Esme spoke, bringing me out of my head.

"I have to be honest." She said gently. "The fact that Aro is doing this to you makes me angry."

"I have to agree." Carlisle sighed.

"It wasn't that." I bit back whatever emotion wanted to come out too. I hadn't settled my voice yet, but I needed to buy myself time. With one last _push_, I needed to do the impossible.

I grit my teeth, finding that usually-hidden pouch of hate, and I released his hand. I stood up. That couldn't happen. I couldn't give up. I couldn't crumble. I needed them to understand that it wasn't up to them, but saying that to anyone hadn't helped in the past, so I needed to go the harder route. I couldn't keep this up.

I paced a few steps away to look out the window. I needed to do more. I had to do the hardest thing I'd ever done, and that was to be convincing. There wasn't room for error anymore. I couldn't allow myself to be miserable. I needed to make that decision for him, before it was too late and before I became too weak to do this.

Carlisle had told me once that if it was my choice to leave, he would let me leave. Mikah said not to cut my ties too early, but that was assuming I was going to stay here. I had to make the decision for them, and leave no option, but first, I needed to stop crying.

"I wasn't crying about that." I finally muttered despite the obvious weight to my voice. "It was just a stupid nightmare." I paused for a breath, closing my eyes to steel myself. "Mikah."

"Yes?" Came Mikah's hesitant reply in the doorway. "You okay, princess?"

"Um.." My voice trembled roughly, despite my forcing it to steady. "I.. I need to talk to Aro. Can I do that?"

He was quiet, so I turned to look back at him. I couldn't read his expression, but I knew he wasn't that eager. He knew what was going through my head, even without Edward's gift.

"I really don't think you should do this." Mikah finally replied. "Remember-"

"Can I do that or not?" I pressed, stuffing every bit of anger into the sadness as I could manage. I knew full well that that wouldn't stop the sadness, but it would give me the amount of willpower I needed.

He continued to hesitate, but after several silent seconds, he gave a glance around and he nodded.

"Yeah." He replied, his voice muted. "Give me some time, but that can be arranged."

"Make it tomorrow night." I added. "I pissed Richard off, and now he might want to talk to me. I want time to fix that." He still hesitated, glancing slowly around him at my family again. They watched him in return, but they knew as well as I did that they couldn't protest this.

He started to speak. "Look, princess. There's something you should-"

"_Mikah_." I actually growled his name, which told him that I wasn't playing around.

He looked so miserable as he nodded, turning and walking away. I turned back around to face the window. That part was done. I needed to push as hard as I could, so that it would stick this time.

"It's a good thing." I said after a moment. "Come on. Isn't this what you've always wanted? Just to live your lives in peace? This is a _good_ thing."

I must not have been as convincing as I wanted to be, because neither he or Esme were buying it.

"This isn't something to be grateful for, Leandra." He replied almost incredulously. "Of _course_, that is all I want for my family, but not at _your_ expense. You are part of this family."

"What if you met me for this reason?" I asked, struggling to keep that positive tone. I knew the struggle had to be audible to him somewhere, but I had to try harder. "This was the reason we met, so this could happen."

"I refuse to believe that." Esme replied breathlessly, and I finally looked back at them. "You deserve _better_."

It seemed like she knew exactly what I was doing.

"I've always been good for nothing, but because of you.." I went on. "I'm not good for nothing anymore. There's not a damn thing I want more than to be able to give you something back for what you gave me. That's more than I could ever have imagined. I _want_ this so much."

Despite those words, though, I couldn't stop the quiet wavering in my voice. I looked away before I was sure he could see it in my eyes. Instead I looked down. Doing exactly what I'd been practicing doing for the last year or so. I bit those tears back, swallowed my emotion and closed my eyes briefly to sooth the burn I felt.

I regained control by blinking a few times, and I smiled, sadly but genuinely.

"I'm not changing my mind." I told them. "Think about it like I do, and it'll be fine. It'll be fine." I just nodded. I tried to turn to the window again, but Esme was suddenly hugging me.

I had absolutely no choice but to hug her back. In my surprise, it was automatic. The pressure of her arms around me exactly the way they were destroyed that dam I'd just built, and too fast to catch, that emotion flooded free. By the time I even noticed, I was sobbing against her shoulder.

She reached up and smoothed my hair down my back.

"_No_." She told me gently but firmly. "_Not_ at your expense." I shook my head, sobs shaking free. "You aren't going anywhere."

"I have to." I cried, closing my eyes. "I can't let it get to that again. Didn't you hear what I said? You're not getting it. No one is getting it."

She pulled back to take my face between her hands and looked me straight in the eye.

"I don't care." She said in that same voice. "You aren't going anywhere, Leandra. I won't let you, and I'm _not_ alone."

"He gets me anyway." I told her. I finally told her. Fighting through sobs, I managed to get the words out, but I laid it out. Being blunt was the only option here. "You can't stop it. Nobody can. No matter how many times, or how many different ways you try to stop him. None of it is enough. You can't fight. You can't run. You can't hide me. You can't _win_. _I_ can't win."

They had never told me about their plan to hide me. I knew all about it, but I never mentioned it before. Now is when I finally had no choice but to give them proof that I knew a whole lot more than they thought I did.

Oh, but the memories crushed me. All the pent up, stifled emotion I'd denied myself the chance to process chose that moment to destroy me. I was the most selfish person in the world. The guilt was killing me.

Especially as I looked to Carlisle through my flood of tears.

I couldn't stop myself as I pulled away from Esme, only to walk forward and hug Carlisle. He held onto me in return, and I sobbed.

"I'm so sorry." I told him, knowing for a fact that I'd let him down the most. I was sorry for everything I'd ever done, and I needed him to forgive me. I needed to know that he still wanted to believe in me. I needed to know that I wasn't working for nothing.

I'd blinded myself, and I did every single thing I could think of to make them give up on me. I tried so hard to make them mad enough to willingly send me away, because as I pointed out, feeling angry at them was a lot easier than loving them, and being forced to leave them.

"You can't do this." Even Edward was here. I was always surprised to see him.

I didn't have a response for that.

The rest of my family took my attention next where they crowded my doorway. If he could have, I would bet that Emmett would have been fighting back tears, but he wasn't smiling. His brow showed his hurt, and that crushed me further. Jasper looked bitter, angry, but not at me. Alice much the same way. If she could look a little further, she'd know I was right. She would know I had every reason to be afraid. Just like Edward knew.

Edward met my eyes, and he absolutely hated that he understood. I saw that clear as day, but he was still hoping to talk me out of it. What I was considering. What I was going to do.

Leave early.

It was the very last resort, but it was clear I needed to take it. I couldn't keep this up. I literally couldn't handle it. The pressure was just too much. If this was the right decision, I needed to stick to it, and I needed them to stick to it.

It was a hard decision, definitely, but without Josh here, all the humans could assume I left to find Josh and never came back. It was the perfect time, cover wise.

"You'll see." I sniffled, pulling back and looking up at Carlisle. I didn't every try to hide my tears, but he also couldn't deny that I was determined.

"This is the best way." I told him. "Do you remember what you said to me the day you met me? At the hospital? You told me that change scares everyone."

I could tell in his expression that this memory was painful. It couldn't have helped when I smiled a little, because he knew exactly what I was getting at.

"You told me not to let a little uncertainty make me regret what I'm doing." I went on, quieter. "I'm trying _really_ hard to follow that advice."

"Do you remember what else I told you?" He asked in return. "I also gave you my word that no matter where you go, you will be okay."

It started to become clear which path he was considering. I didn't like what I was seeing, but I didn't have very long to focus on it. I hadn't expected this. I stupidly thought it would be a simple, clean cut.

"You can't do that." I mumbled, shock clearing the tears from my eyes.

"I fully intend to keep that promise, Leandra." He replied quietly. He wasn't bluffing, and ultimately, I couldn't stop him.

"The only way I'll ever be okay is if you are." I pointed out firmly.

We would be agreeing to disagree, because I wasn't backing down. I'd made my choice, and I'd stick to it. I wasn't about to send someone to go stop Mikah.

My stomach was in knots. There was no way I was going back to sleep after a dream like that, but hey. With any hope, I wouldn't be required to sleep very much longer. I'd always wished for the ability to just stay awake forever.

I couldn't really tell yet how this meeting with Aro would go. I knew what I wanted, and I knew he would come, but for the oddest reasons, I didn't know how it would turn out. There were too many things influencing it.

Richard showed up at almost exactly 9 AM. I wasn't surprised to see that he was alone, and he wasn't happy about needing to be here. He wasn't going to wait for me to go to him.

"Do you know what this is about?" Carlisle asked me, watching Richard's car pull up, and I shrugged.

"He's pissed because I said I wasn't going to stop looking for Josh." I answered. "He told me to stay out of it, and something like we were in over our heads with this one. Whatever that meant."

That seemed to bother him.

"What?" I noticed the shift in his expression, and that told me he knew what that meant.

"That's usually not a good thing, Leandra." He replied hesitantly. "That usually means there is some bad news."

"Like what?" I stupidly asked. I wasn't getting it.

There was something he wasn't saying, but what he did say was bad enough to make me pale, shut my mouth, and look down. I hadn't thought about that so forcefully yet.

He went on, quieter.

"I want you to promise him that you'll stay out of it." He looked down at me. "And apologize for whatever else you might have said."

"How'd you know about that?" I asked, only mildly curious.

"I know you." He sighed. "I have no doubt you were defensive, and when you're defensive, you do some deflecting."

He didn't even wait for me to argue with him. He turned away from the window, heading toward the front door right as Richard was crossing the yard. I honestly wasn't up to arguing with him. I actually just couldn't do it anymore. I figured my family deserved at least one day without getting the sharp end of my thorns.

That was why I did the exact opposite of what Carlisle asked me to do.

"I'm sorry." I started as soon as Richard walked in. "I really am sorry for what I said, but I'm not sorry that I'm not going to stop looking for Josh."

He sighed, only moving enough to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Leandra-"

"I know. Believe me." His hand dropped. "I get it, okay? You have to tell me that. You can throw me in jail or whatever else you have to do, but if I ever stop looking, I will never forgive myself."

My tone was as honest as I could make it, and the way I sat down must have helped, because he didn't seem as irritated anymore.

"You don't get it." I nearly plead. "He's been one of the _best_ things that's ever happened to me. I _have_ to find him. I won't get in your way. I promise, but let me look for him."

I didn't even try to hide the tears welling in my eyes. I knew he'd already seen them as he walked forward slowly. His expression a hell of a lot softer than it'd been when he walked in.

Only a small part of this was a fib. I really was desperate enough to stop at nothing to find him, but I was also giving my family a cover story. A reason why I would go missing too.

"Please." I pressed quietly, and he sighed.

"Leandra, I don't want to see you get hurt if you look too hard." He stressed. "If something happened to him, and he's not here, I don't want you to follow him."

"I'll follow him anywhere." I replied, still as honestly as I could. That wasn't a lie, and I knew my family heard it, given their tension. I didn't say things like that lightly. I meant every word.

I still got a talking to about why I needed to stay out of it, but given his tone, he wasn't at all convinced that I would do what he said.

When he requested to talk to Carlisle alone, I knew it was about me, so I left willingly. I returned to my room where I could just be miserable. Richard didn't bother me again, and I watched out my window as he left. I had to think about what he would go through. What my mom would go through. Everyone.

In thinking about that, I had to consider what I would go through. The life I saw for myself really didn't make sense to who I was. I hadn't even really had a chance to figure that out. That really started sinking in.

I was so sure he would say yes, that I had to consider just how much I would miss this window. The small things. My bed. This room. The way the carpet changed between my room and the hall. The kitchen. The living room. This whole house had its role, just as much as the people that lived here.

I couldn't help the small sob that shook free, but comforting wasn't what I wanted. I was destroyed over the idea of leaving, but I knew it was the right thing to do, or this pain would only be worse.

The day progressed slowly, and I spent time in many different areas. I hated the way I knew I would look when Aro finally showed up, but that didn't mean I could stop crying. I wouldn't even bother to be embarrassed about it.

All I had to do now was wait.

As the day wore on, I had gotten a careful hold of myself. I reeled in my emotion, numbing myself enough to pull this off.

I was so tired, though. I felt so worn out in so many ways. What I was doing was a very painful thing. I was trying so hard to hide it all again. To stuff those things back into the spot they escaped from all while trying to pretend I didn't feel like complete crap.

I didn't even know what it was that made me decide on this course. It was a mix of everything. I could no longer leave it an option. I was turning it off. Reinforcing that wall, but the bricks I was putting in place were just as crumbly and weak as the ones already there.

I ignored their attempts to talk to me. I knew they were only trying to change my mind, but I wasn't willing to listen anymore. I couldn't let myself be on the fence. I had to make them let me go, but in the process, I had a feeling I would be leaving a lot of myself behind.

I stood in the living room now, in a constant war. Watching the late afternoon daylight play off the trees just across the yard. My tree house was out this way. I wondered if they would leave it up.

Another brick.

If they took it down, they wouldn't have to worry about keeping it up. I doubted anyone but me would even want to use it, and since I wouldn't be here to care, there would be no reason to leave it up.

Another brick.

How long had I laid in that tree house, over the last few years, just thinking about the day I would eventually have to leave it. I didn't know back then that it would be this soon. Somehow, even with the limited time I had, I never grasped just how limited it was.

I remembered the day Emmett and Jasper built it for me.

Another brick.

"I just don't understand it." Alice was the one attempting to get through to me now. Again.

Another brick.

"There's nothing to understand." I muttered. "It's really not as complicated as you're making it out to be. You're looking too far into it. It just is.. Exactly what it is. I have to do what I have to do."

"This isn't fair." She tried to scold me, but I knew this was the last resort direction.

"It's not." I agreed with her, though. "It's really not fair, but here we are. I know. I get how bad this sucks, but really. You won't let me go, but I literally can't stay. The tighter you hold on, the more this hurts, but for the hundred-thousandth time, it doesn't change a damn thing. Not a goddamn fucking thing, and you know why? Because the more you try to hold on, the more determined I am to save you. So.."

I had to pause for a breath. I had yet to turn away from the window.

"Just let me do what I need to do." I couldn't hide the amount of exhaustion in my voice now. "If I leave today, I might not have enough time to talk, so I'm just gonna ask right now. I only have a few favors to ask."

She sighed. "Leandra-"

"Please." I shut her up. "Just.. Watch over everyone for me? My mom, and Andrew. Yeah, even Richard too, I guess. He makes my mom happy, and I _guess_ I approve." I paused to think this time. "My dad, and my sisters. Even though I kinda dropped out of their lives, I still think about them sometimes. It's not their fault I am what I am."

"Leandra, you don't need to tell us all of this." Esme murmured sadly. "We'd do it regardless, but it's too soon."

"I want Mikah to stay here." I continued, ignoring that. "If you can, I mean. If he can. He's good. He deserves better than Aro. I want him to keep learning." I actually smiled a little at the thought. "He just.. He means a lot to me, okay?"

"Okay." Esme seemed to understand that I just needed to say these things, but I was so relieved that she agreed. Mikah would have a place here. He had a family now. He could learn how.

I was quiet again, as I thought of another direction I needed to go.

"I'm.." I forced my voice to steady as it tried to shake. "I'm sorry. That it's not different. I'm sorry I couldn't be who you saw in me. I'm sorry for the mean things I've said, and the shitty things I've done. I'm sorry for all the worry I've caused. The disappointment.."

My voice died in my throat as I finally turned slowly to face them. I knew they were all listening.

"I wish so much I could just make you feel what I feel." I admitted, slowly stepping over and sitting down. I was just as exhausted physically as I was mentally.

"I can." Jasper pointed out quietly. "I can also have you feel the way we feel. Maybe if I did that, you would understand."

"I'm _not_ arguing anymore." I sighed, looking over at him. "I _can't_. Do whatever you think you have to do."

I looked down, and I waited. I doubted he would do that, but I didn't care either way. I knew how they felt. He was upset, and he wanted to be mad. I expected them to be bothered by being helpless to stop Aro from taking me, but I hadn't expected to be the one that hurt them by leaving them no choice. Jasper was looking for a way to be mad, just to cover the hurt, but he couldn't bring himself to direct that anger at me.

"So." To my surprise, Rosalie spoke up. "You would just leave? Just like that?"

"I would." I kept my eyes down. I didn't want to fight with her, but we had yet to make up after I'd yelled at her, so I was bracing myself.

"I won't ask why, because I know your reasons." She went on, and I hesitantly looked over at her. She wasn't yelling, or even that mad. "We all do. You've made them clear enough."

"But.." I prompted. Letting her know she could keep going with whatever she had to say.

"But.." She repeated, sighing. "Leandra, you deserve better." Her tone now couldn't have been more opposite from the one she used that day.

"I know." I mumbled. "It's just how it is." I hesitated, before I went on. "And I'm sorry. For what I said before. You're not a bitch, but I was sure being one. I was miserable, and embarrassed, and I was taking it out on you. That wasn't fair. I'm _really_ sorry."

"Fights happen." Was her response. "We're not going agree one hundred percent of the time, but that doesn't mean-"

"I'm not doing this because I want to." I cut her off quietly. "Please believe me."

That actually seemed to help.

I only glanced over as the seat next to me became occupied. Alice carefully hugged me, which I appreciated. I knew everything she wanted to say.

"Don't do this." She nearly plead, and I felt so defeated. She knew my response, so I didn't bother to give it. I just laid my head on her shoulder. Making it a surprise like this meant that they were in no way ready for a fight. They wouldn't even try.

She held me like that, probably hogging me, while the day slowly died. I could feel it. I knew he was coming, so all I could do was sit here and wait. I wasn't surprised when Bella showed up, but Ness wasn't with her. Edward had been here all day. He didn't talk much. This had to be hell on him.

"Princess?" I finally lifted my head to look toward the door. Mikah was back. I couldn't even imagine how far he'd just had to run, but he wasn't tired in the least. He just walked in, and looked right at me.

"He's right behind me, princess." He said, lingering by the door. "I hope you know what you want to say, because he doesn't want to stay long."

I stood up nervously.

"How many are with him?" Carlisle asked.

"It's just him." Mikah replied, and I couldn't help being surprised. I knew I wasn't the only one. "He wanted to come alone."

"I feel sick." I admitted quietly. I turned to pace.

"That's because this is the wrong decision." Emmett countered firmly.

Before I could even consider a reply, there he was. Arriving in the doorway, and taking the attention of everyone in the room. I kept my eyes down, though, needing a few seconds to compose myself. I didn't miss the way my family moved. Not at all threatening, but they grouped closer together.

"Leandra." I finally looked over at Aro's enthusiastic greeting. "My, you grow more beautiful every day."

Of course, he hadn't changed at all. I had done all the changing, but at the same time, almost nothing had changed.

"Thanks." I replied quietly. This was incredibly difficult, but I couldn't let my fear make me rude. I needed something from him, but I needed to do this carefully.

"I'm told there's a reason you've sent Mikah to summon me." He said kindly, and I took a breath, nervously wringing my hands. Despite that breath, my voice wouldn't work.

"I.. I'm having some trouble. I.." I admitted, watching as he slowly walked in. I lost my voice as he started approaching me. I was still afraid of this man. He scared the hell out of me.

"I've heard." He nodded. He held his hands out in a silent invitation. I knew the words I needed to say, but I couldn't say them.

He still stood quite a bit taller than me, and he was probably the only one that could make me feel so small. Even Ken didn't intimidate me like this. He still held his hand out to me, and I braced myself, but I hesitantly shook my head. Not yet.

"I need to leave early." I made myself say those words, but they burned in my mouth. I figured that was the best place to start.

"I see." He frowned. "However, the agreement was five years."

"It's the only way." I mumbled. The pressure the time limit had placed on me was killing me. I hadn't expected this.

"I'm sorry, my dear, but I must decline." He replied, and that surprised me. I thought sure he'd jump at the opportunity. He read my surprise, smiling down at me. "You aren't ready. I understand your reasons, but taking you now would only make the situation more difficult." I looked down.

"That doesn't matter." I replied quietly. "If I don't go now, I really don't know if I can go with you in two years."

"You're conflicted." He understood, but I nodded anyway.

"Very." I admitted in a pained whisper. My breath hitching on a sob.

In the following silence, he brought his hand up again, so I laid mine in his. Slow enough to allow me to avoid it if I chose, I just watched as he covered my hand with his other one. Enclosing my hand securely between them, and the second I felt the pressure this time, I was given a vision. There was no pain now. There was only mild discomfort, so I was able to stay on my feet. Not that I paid much attention to it.

This vision was quite a bit brighter and clearer than the one that had convinced him to let me stay. The brightness hurt my head a little at first, until everything became more clear.

It was a vision of me, facing a rising sun over a city very far below. I was standing somewhere high, and we both knew my intention even before I looked down at the narrow, stone street below. Though my hand rested on the wall beside me, I was by no means holding on, and I shifted my feet, ready to step off the ledge.

The emotion I felt was strong, but abruptly, the vision ended as I tore my hand away from his. It took me a few seconds to come back to myself, but when I did, a brief stab of panic stole my breath as I looked at him.

That emotion was a very strong one, and I took half a step back. It scared me. I gave an extremely uncertain glance toward my family, and I knew they saw it, but there was more to it. There was something more there.

"I see." That seemed to bother Aro as well. "May I?" He offered his hand again, and I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to see that again. If this decision led to that outcome, I wasn't so sure anymore. About anything. I was so sure this was the answer, but not if that would be the result.

I didn't want to end up there. I didn't want to ever feel that way again.

"Leandra, be careful." Edward spoke quietly. "Please. Be very careful." Hearing him say that, so close to what he said that day in the clearing, put me on edge. I was listening now. The way I didn't back then.

I was having a lot of trouble coming up with the words, but I didn't see a way out. With a sharp breath in, I turned away from Aro. Knotting my hands in my hair in an effort to control my emotion. I didn't know what to do.

I thought hard for several silent seconds, before I turned back around to face him.

"I need to see something." I muttered. I wanted to see if I was able to influence the visions with my own decisions like he could.

I held onto Aro's hand now, instead of staying passive in his grip.

The vision that started was the same as it was just a moment ago, but as much as it did hurt, I had to look underneath it. What happened to take me there? In this vision, my family was fine, but I was far from it. Underneath that, though, there was something.. Something happened..

While I was looking, Aro changed it. Startling me a bit.

It shifted, and though I was deeply confused at what I was seeing, I couldn't breathe at first once I figured out what we were looking at. For once, it wasn't anything terrifying. It was amazing, and I felt the smile come to my tired face.

I saw my wedding day. Standing there in a loose, flowy dress. Hair only lightly done. I was terrified, but it only added color to the excitement. I was older. I wasn't sure how old I was, but I was definitely older than sixteen, and yeah, it had taken me awhile to get to this point, but I easily recognized the scenery. I was _home_. I was with my family.

Something in me changed at seeing that. It clicked. Seeing that, I also felt it. Every bit of happiness I felt, the intense sense of accomplishment, and the confidence was so overwhelming.

I saw that vision, and I literally ached with need to become that person. I was happy. I hadn't even allowed myself to imagine what that could be like, but now that I'd experienced it, I wanted that so badly.

It reminded me so much of Josh, and the conversation we had that day. That stuck with me.

The vision shifted again, and this time, it focused on Aro himself. I knew immediately what he was looking for. He wanted to see what his future would look like without me in it.

Absolutely nothing had changed for him. His life remained right where it was.

Aro released my hand, and embarrassment colored my face quickly as I looked down through steady tears. I was still breathless, stunned I'd ever wind up in a spot like that, but I still felt that emotion. I was content. I felt whole. The only thing I couldn't tell, was who I was getting married to. I hadn't seen who it was, but the emotion was strong enough to take my breath, so whoever it was, it was definitely the right choice.

He studied me while I got a hold of myself a little better. It took me a second for key details to come forward. Aro had just been looking at what would happen to me if he dissolved our agreement, but why?

Probably curious.

I watched him, despite my embarrassment, waiting to see what he would say. He and I both knew I wouldn't stop trying to get away from him, no matter my agreement because back when I made that agreement, my whole world was set on keeping my family safe.

But there was an angle I hadn't considered before. Now I had to. He and I both also knew that I kept them safe just by being alive. Nothing kept them more safe from him than my presence here.

The vision I had of being able to stay here was one he probably shouldn't have given me, because I couldn't shake it. It stuck with me just as hard as the other ones had. Maybe harder.

Like a switch flipped, my stomach dropped.

"I think I changed my mind." I whispered, so suddenly terrified. I knew how big this was. "I think I.. Aro, I can't go with you."

The silence was thick throughout the room.

"Would that be wise?" Aro asked me quite calmly. Almost sadly. "You know what the consequences will be, my dear."

"That thing.." I mumbled. "That thing we saw.. I _want_ that. I want it so bad. I just wanna be happy, and _nothing_ you can give me will ever come close to being the same." He didn't reply at first, looking down. "I know you don't want to have to come here every time you need an answer. I get that, but I don't want to be anything else."

He turned away with a heavy sigh. I had no idea what was going through his mind, so I glanced to Edward. He was frowning, but not angry. He was listening. He looked at me, and gave a small nod.

"We can work something out." I offered. "I-I can still help, but.. I just wanna stay. There _has_ to be a way."

I couldn't help the pleading in my tone. In a way, I really was begging for my life. I needed him to understand. I needed him to know how much this meant to me.

He was still obviously in thought, so I fell quiet. I knew much more talking would be the opposite of helpful.

When he turned to look at me again, he saw the emotion I didn't even try to hide. He was about to speak, but I was suddenly not alone.

"Let her stay, Aro." Mikah came to the front, standing beside me, and I looked over at him. "You've seen my thoughts. You know how hard she's tried to find her way in this life. Let her figure it out for herself. Take me instead. I can help you. Just let her stay."

My heart broke a little as I looked over at him. I didn't want him to leave either.

Without a word, Aro stepped forward, and offered me his hand again. I gave him mine without hesitation, but he was only looking for my thoughts this time. I let him get caught up with my thoughts over the last few years. He was silent, listening in to every conversation and every thought through my head. He saw my reasons, and my experiences.

I knew he saw my pain and fear, but could he be swayed?

He released my hand with a slow nod. I took a few steps back, landing between Mikah and Carlisle. Again, I didn't miss the way Carlisle moved just a bit closer to my side.

"I wouldn't be truthful if I were to claim that I didn't anticipate something like this coming." Aro finally admitted. "As badly as I want to honor your request, my dear.." He trailed off. My heart sank. "It's out of my hands."

That was a no. My heart and hope sank again.

"It's not out of your hands." I argued. "It's right there in them."

"An agreement is an agreement." He reminded me. "The agreement still stands."

"You could change your mind if you wanted to." I plead. "J-Just.. Look. Look again. _Please_." I felt so stupid begging this way, but I couldn't help it. I hadn't expected this complete shift of my decision. He shook his head.

"You freely gave me your word-"

"It wasn't freely." Alice argued for me. "You knew exactly what you were doing by making her that offer right when you did, and it was cruel."

"I am sorry." Aro smiled sadly.

"Then take me." Alice snapped, to everyone's surprise. I didn't even see this coming.

"No." I immediately barked, breathless in my shock. "That's not happening." I didn't make this agreement so someone else could take my place.

"I'm not letting you turn into that." Alice replied firmly, but I turned to face her.

"Well, I'm not letting you take my place." I replied, incredulous.

"No substitutions, I'm afraid." Aro spoke up, cutting our argument short. He didn't want her anymore. Her ability wasn't as useful to him as mine was.

"So there's no way you'll let me stay?" I asked, my tone announcing my quickly slipping hope. He shook his head almost apologetically. "No way at all?"

"I have plans for you." He explained. "I promise you'll adjust quite well."

"Yeah." I scoffed. "Because that first vision sure showed me _adjusted_." More attitude was in that response than I meant to let loose, but I couldn't help it.

"Oh, pay no mind to that." Aro waved it off. "Proper precautions will be taken, I assure you."

I wanted to threaten him. I wanted to tell him that no matter what, I could find a way, but I couldn't. I would be lying. I knew full well he would keep me as safe as necessary, just to ensure I stayed alive for him to use.

The same went for trying to run away, or even simply refusing. No amount of stubborn would get me out of this.

I didn't have a response, just a little slouch of my shoulders.

"I thought you said you respected her." Emmett snapped for me.

"I absolutely do." Aro replied easily. "That hasn't changed. She's just currently having a bit of trouble seeing how important she truly is. I trust she'll discover that in time."

"Why can't I stay?" I asked before Emmett could keep arguing. "I get that you want my gift, but is it worth much to you if I hate you?"

"To be perfectly honest with you, my dear, it makes no difference." He replied coolly, and my hope died a little more. "I offered peace to your family, purely as a courtesy to you. I assumed you would appreciate the knowledge that your cooperation directly correlated to their continued existence." I swallowed nervously, looking down. "But make no mistake. I will do anything it takes to obtain what was _promised_."

Hesitantly, I looked over at Carlisle. Emmett glaring beside him.

"I've searched for someone like you for _many_ years." Aro continued, and I looked to him again. "I could search endlessly, and never find another like you for the rest of my existence. There is absolutely no way I am going to let that just slip away, no matter the amount of rebellion you attempt. No matter how much I feel for your particular situation."

I looked back down in nervousness as he started slowly toward me.

"There is simply too much at stake." He murmured. "I am sorry, but I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make your life with me more than acceptable."

"Nothing you do will ever be what I want." I told him again. "There's nothing you can give me that will ever make me want to be there."

He smiled.

"Are you _sure_ about that?" He urged, and my heart sank in nervousness. What did he mean by that? Before I could ask, he held his hand out again, and I had to step forward to take it. Edward spoke up.

"Leandra." He took my attention. "Don't."

It was bad. Whatever he was hearing in Aro's mind. Now I had to look.

This vision wasn't entirely clear, like I didn't know what I was looking at at first, but that seemed to be common. It was dark in the room, and cold. Just the setting made me nervous, but the sight of someone standing there made me more nervous.

It took me a few seconds, but I was completely stunned to realize that I knew that person. He was just standing there, hardly any emotion on his face. His crimson eyes staring straight ahead, but I couldn't read them anymore. Those were stranger's eyes.

As soon as it hit me, I understood exactly what happened and my heart broke in two at the same time. I hadn't known to look this direction before. His future was gone, but that was only because he wasn't human anymore. He wasn't the same person I knew. He was too different now. This was what Aro had been hiding before.

He'd been the one to take Josh.

I jerked my hand from Aro's, not wanting to see Josh that way anymore. I was absolutely floored. I didn't know how to feel or what to do.

"Leandra, I'm so sorry." Edward tried, and it really did sound like he was.

"What happened?" Esme saw my outrage, even before I said anything. This had really upset me.

"_Why_ would you do that?" I couldn't help snapping at Aro, but I was so breathless, it hardly made a sound. If I wasn't smarter, I would have tried to hit him. I was suddenly _so_ pissed.

"Incentive." He answered easily. "I thought you may need some encouragement."

I turned away, my entire body tense. I felt sick. The fact that I couldn't protect him when he needed me to really got to me. If it wasn't for my anger, I wouldn't have been able to stay standing. This hit me hard, because I knew there wasn't anything I could do.

"Why?" I snapped again, spinning to glare at him again. I needed more.

"It became clear, after a rather insightful visit from Mikah, that the boy was the perfect gift." He explained, not at all put off by my anger. "He's been given a place among us, and will be trained quite extensively."

"Josh?" Emmett understood now. Even he was stunned.

I suddenly didn't know what to do. I had to sit down. I looked over at Mikah right as I sat down, and the oddest sense of betrayal burned in my stomach. I didn't want to hate him, but at the same time, I did want to. He knew full well what Josh meant to me.

"It wasn't my idea, princess. I swear. I had no idea why.." He trailed off, and though the sorrow in his voice soothed a lot of the anger I felt toward him, I was still pissed.

"Oh, no." Aro assured me. "I only asked him to gather some information on the few individuals in your life. He came through surprisingly well."

It took me a second. Aro seemed to know my loopholes better than I thought.

Under all this anger, the heartbreak suddenly forced tears to my eyes. I covered my face with my hands, and just lost it for a minute. I couldn't breathe, and had to sit back down. I couldn't stand the thought of Josh anywhere near Aro. This was somehow worse than considering the idea that he was dead.

I didn't know what to do. I knew it was far too late to demand him back unharmed. The damage had already been done. I couldn't demand to go see him, because Josh would likely kill me first chance he got. I _couldn't_ think about that. I ached, the pain almost unbearable. I wanted to be there so bad. We were supposed to have each other's back. Not this.

Esme gently sat beside me.

"I'm sorry you're upset, my dear, but I find I'm okay with that." Aro murmured. "I need your gift, not necessarily your cooperation. Although I'm certain it would be far more comfortable for you if you just resign yourself."

Even through my tears, I glared as hard as I could at him. Underneath everything, though, it was even more clear that there wasn't anything he wouldn't do, but he crossed a line.

"Shall I be prepared for a fight when I return?" He asked, mostly curious.

Such a blatant threat made my blood run cold, and I looked down again. I hated the way my heart reacted, because it was an obvious give-away to how nervous that made me.

I was suddenly forcefully reminded of the reason why I made the agreement in the first place. I swallowed against panic, my mouth suddenly dry. My still-crying eyes closed. No words could describe how badly I just wanted to die right there. I couldn't be the reason it happened anyway. Just because I was too weak to suck it up and do whatever he wanted.

I _hated_ this feeling so damn much. I was about to shake my head, but Carlisle spoke before I could.

"Yes." My eyes snapped open at Carlisle's reply, and I turned my head sharply to look at him. I couldn't believe I'd just heard him right. "You absolutely should."

"No." I said again, more urgently as I stood back up to look at Aro. "That's not-"

"Hell yes." Emmett snapped, and I shut up. "I don't care what she says anymore. I'm not letting you just walk up and take my sister."

"Emmett, shut up." I snapped in return.

"No." He replied. "I'm done shutting up, Leandra. Like it or not, you're _ours_." It was so weird hearing him say my name like that. A quick glance to everyone else told me they were all on the same page.

"That is unfortunate." Aro finally sighed sadly, and I looked back up at him. I didn't know what to say. "Are you positive this is the way it must be?"

"Not if you just fucking take me now!" I snapped, unable to help it. He knew that, though. This was what he wanted. That thought sent more panic stabbing through me.

Before it could get too bad, I looked over as Alice took my arm in her hand, and pulled me back a few steps. Parking me beside Edward. Everything was happening too quickly for me to stop, but I was more than grateful for his unspoken support and strength.

"Only if you insist." Carlisle answered, ignoring me. "I certainly respect you, Aro, but I cannot let this happen. She is too valuable to my family, and to myself. She has fought far too hard to live, only for it to lead to captivity."

I closed my eyes again, trembling a little in my effort to stop crying. He didn't know what he was doing.

Aro continued to stand there, obviously thinking hard.

"Let her stay." Mikah spoke again in the resulting silence. "Please. She deserves more than that." He stepped over to stand at my other side.

"I will return at the appointed time." Aro finally said, and my head hung. "We will discuss it more in depth then. I hate to do this, Carlisle. I really do."

"No you don't." I spoke up on reflex. My tone was bitter, and quiet, but it was enough. Aro looked at me again. "You've always been jealous of him. I know you, remember? Like you know me."

He didn't say anything, but I hated the way he looked at me. My eyes narrowed in response, and nervously, I stepped closer to Edward's side. As if in reflex, his arm came out just enough to give me some kind of shield. Proving Carlisle's point.

"Give it some thought." Aro pressed, giving me a smile. "I'm confident that what you learned today will be quite helpful in making your final decision, once you've had time to come to terms with it." He just had to remind me about Josh. I looked down again. As if he needed to.

Something happened at that point that changed everything. With no warning, my gift decided to tell me that there was an opening. Everything shifted. The odds evened out, and it took all I had not to look over at Mikah. I kept my expression as even as I could until Aro looked away.

Mikah had a plan, and that plan would work. In that instant, a solid path laid out ahead, and every single emotion shifted in me. A way through. Turning my hate into strength, instead of it being something I had to hide. I moved forward to stand beside Alice.

My voice no longer trembled. "I'm choosing to stay." He was quiet as he studied me. "I won't tear myself in two anymore. It might have taken me some time, but I'm finally thinking straight. I will fight you every step of the goddamn way, because that's what I do. I don't stay where I don't want to be."

He smiled, and I didn't miss the hint of admiration there again.

I glanced over at Alice as she looked at me. Her smile held just as much admiration.

"I chose my family five years ago, and they treated me like I was priceless. Even before I knew I had a gift." I finally tore my gaze away to look at Aro again. "I used to think that I owed them my life, and that's still true, but I'm not going anywhere. I will give them my life. Here, with them. Not with you."

"I deeply admire your bravery, Leandra." Aro replied politely.

"You should take that bravery seriously." I suggested. I looked over as Edward stood at my other side.

"You really should." Edward agreed with me, and in thanks, I reached over and took his hand. He smiled a little, glancing down and holding my hand in return before he continued. "You're deeply underestimating my family. Especially Leandra."

I wasn't listening. I held Aro's gaze, but I didn't really like how his gaze shifted to Mikah. I couldn't help it. I took the few steps it took to stand in front of Mikah faster than I'd moved in a long while, and because I moved, my family moved.

To my surprise, though, Mikah lightly took my arms in his hands, moving me aside gently. Far enough to park me behind Emmett.

"I'm sorry." Mikah spoke to Aro now, sliding his hands in his pockets casually. "I have to stick with her."

"I understand." Aro replied. "Don't apologize. It's still your task to keep her safe, Mikah. You're doing a wonderful job."

Almost in instinct, I looked over at Edward. Who he looked at would tell me whether or not there was a hidden meaning in that like I suspected.

Sure enough, he glanced over at Mikah, but it was only briefly. As if making a small note of his thoughts. I would have missed it had I not looked over at him. I noted him noting it, but that was as far as it went.

"So be it." Aro kept his smile, but I didn't take that as comforting. "I shall see you again, Leandra, and I will be making preparations for your arrival."

I didn't reply. I'd already said everything I wanted to say, but that didn't bother him in the least. I blinked and he was gone as quickly as he'd arrived.

There was a brief moment of stillness, and I couldn't help looking around at everyone, just to make sure they were all okay. I finally sighed out the breath I held right as Carlisle quickly moved to close the door.

"Hell yeah, shorty." Emmett was proud of me, and though I was pretty proud of myself, there was one real hero here.

I stepped around, only enough to hug Mikah. Catching him off guard, and making my entire family tense at once, but he only returned it. His arms closed around me with almost no hesitation. He was careful, and even got to hold onto me for several seconds. For a moment, I got to feel that 'safe' feeling again. I didn't focus on that, though.

It was because of him that I was given the confidence I needed to stand up the way I did. He cleared the path for me to do what I needed to do. Him, in addition to my family, had become my stone. I was solid stone in the moments it took to flat out deny Aro what he wanted, but because of Mikah, I finally allowed myself to be.

"Leandra." Jasper wasn't too pleased, so I stepped back a bit to look up at Mikah.

"Are you sure?" I had to ask. He had to know the risks. This was extremely risky, and the amount of bravery this was going to take was more than enough for me to have to ask.

"I don't have a choice." He replied quietly, smiling sadly. "I promised to protect you. That's what I'm going to do."

"What?" Emmett was so lost. I looked over at him as Edward spoke up.

"Mikah has connections." Edward explained before I could. "And according to Leandra, it'll be just enough."

"Connections?" Alice asked.

"Friends." Mikah replied. "Friends of friends. I know I can call in a favor or twenty. They'll come if they're needed." I wondered if anyone here knew any of them.

"How many?" I asked, curious.

"Enough." He answered. "They're all over, if you just know where to look."

"I would like to meet these friends of yours." Carlisle murmured, and he nodded.

"You'll have to." Mikah responded. "I have to find Cole, though. We'll need him on board first. That might take a little while, but I know he'll help me."

"Do you know where he frequents?" Esme asked, subtly pulling me away from Mikah. Just a few steps, though.

"Unfortunately, that's the hard part." Mikah replied. "He doesn't really frequent. He could be anywhere."

"Anywhere?" I winced. That seemed impossible.

"Anywhere." He confirmed. "The fact that he was even in the area to find me has always amazed me. It would be pretty hard to get the others on board without him, because technically, the favor would be for him."

"Would he do it, though?" I needed reassurance, despite knowing the answer.

"We parted on good terms." He came through with that reassurance. "Besides. Even if he was upset at me, he isn't the type to hold grudges. I learned a lot from him."

I nodded a little, sighing as I sat back down. Being solid stone for so long had taken a lot out of me, and suddenly, I had so much to think about.

I didn't exactly regret the last few years, mainly because everything needed to be exactly how it was before Mikah would decide to stand up to Aro himself. I didn't regret it, but I had to think about what I was going to be fighting for and giving up.

I whined, covering my face again. The thought of Josh now just made me want to cry, and _oh_ god, his family..

"We'll figure something out, Leandra. Josh will be okay." Edward told me, but it wasn't enough to keep the tears back. In my own way, I knew I needed to grieve for him. It wasn't like I didn't like vampires. I liked them just fine. It was just never meant to apply to him.

I cried for the fact that I would never hear his heartbeat again. He would never be warm again. He wouldn't ever feel the same, if I ever saw him again, and he would be _trained_..

He wasn't him anymore. That person that had been my accomplice was gone now. He was no longer safe. That _hurt_. There was nothing in the world that could fix what had already been done.

I doubted Aro would do anything to hurt him now. He still needed him as bait. I sincerely hoped I would hold onto this mindset, but I knew after enough time with the knowledge that he was still alive, it could easily shift.

"About that.." Mikah sighed, and I looked over. "I never thought-"

"You were doing your job." I understood. It was _hard_, but I didn't blame him.

Without another word, I excused myself. I needed to be alone. I felt like I'd just been beat to hell, and despite the way out, there was so much left to worry about. To cry about, and to fix.

I laid in bed again that night. Half asleep, half awake. I was so worn out, but for the first time in a long time, I was afraid to sleep.

That whole situation with Ken didn't just magically go away just because I had bigger things to worry about. I hadn't heard anything about him, but I knew there had to be some lasting damage to getting punched that hard by someone like Emmett.

That whole situation still weighed on me, especially while I laid in bed. I watched the window most of the night, snoozed when I could.

My mind was on a lot of things at once. I was pulled in so many different directions, I just felt like I'd been knocked off my feet.

I laid in bed for half of the next day. I just couldn't really gather the energy I needed to get up. I was so tired, but sleep wouldn't come. I felt weighed down. The things on my mind too heavy to lift.

I wasn't surprised when Mikah finally came in. Aro had said that he still had to keep me safe, but would there still be updates?

He didn't say anything at first, slowly sitting on the side of my bed behind where I laid. He seemed unsure.

"I'm going to be gone for a few days, princess." Mikah finally told me. "I won't be here to watch you."

"And that bothers you." I gathered. My voice sounded weak, like it didn't really want to work.

"A lot." He admitted. "I know technically, I don't have to anymore, but like I said. I never minded." He fell quiet, and I found I didn't have much to say. Aside from one thing.

"Promise you'll come back?" I hated how unsure I sounded, but I couldn't stand losing him too.

"Of course." He replied. "I promise. I'll come back as soon as I can, and hopefully, I won't be alone."

He was going to find his friend.

Silently, I nodded. I had no choice in it, so I might as well accept it. The sooner he found him, the better for us. A different timer was counting down now, and every move mattered now. I needed to pay close attention from now until December of my sixteenth year. If I let one wrong move be made, it could all crumble again. It was one gust of wind away from ending horribly. I still couldn't believe I was even thinking about it, and the guilt was killing me.

He saw that.

"Just hold on." He murmured. "I won't be long."

I didn't know what to say. He knew what he was doing, clearly. He was literally my only hope at that point. I was normally more careful than that. I never bet it all on one person.

For right then, though, I just needed to hide. I needed to regroup. I needed to find my confidence again because it was gone. I didn't want to go anywhere, or see anyone. I closed my eyes, almost desperate to sleep at that point.

Long after Mikah left, sleep still hadn't come. It felt like my mind was trying to reset, to adjust to the new rules. Aro was coming back in two years, and he certainly didn't intend to leave without me, but somehow, Mikah would pull it off.

What was bothering me, though, were many different things. There were things not quite right about this new course. There were so many choices and decisions made between now, and the outcome.

The outcome was ideal, and that was a _really_ good thing, but the puzzle was sure taking its time coming into focus. Like there were different factors to all of this that I couldn't see yet, and those little factors were raising all sorts of questions for me.

I rested my eyes closed, and a tear squeezed free. Everything about the situation with Josh still made me feel sick. For the last few years, I'd been living my life like I would leave some day. I never had to imagine what it would be like to be the one left. I'd taken his presence in my life for granted, and I relied on him so damn much.

As wrong and as stupid as I knew it was, I felt like part of me had gone with him. That kind of thing was very painful to face.

I only left my bed to use the bathroom. Returning to it as soon as I could. I ate when I was prompted to, even if the sadness made my stomach feel like lead.

I knew Jasper wouldn't take this from me. As messed up as it was that I had to, this feeling was a needed one. He never took the needed ones.

I came out of my room after the third day, falling onto the couch with an odd sort of acceptance. Things were the way they were, and no amount of crying or laying around would change it. It couldn't be undone, but there were things I could do.

"I'm going to see Josh again." Was how I started the discussion. "Aro's going to use him as bait. It sucks, and it's not fair, but he's going to."

It was clear nobody knew what to say, but I wasn't looking for a response.

"Can Andrew come over today?" I asked, looking over at Carlisle. "I won't tell him anything. I just wanna see him."

"I'm not against you seeing him, but I don't think having him over would be a good idea." I looked down. I nodded. I understood that. "You're free to go to him, though."

"Maybe some other day." I shook my head a little. "I just wanna be home." I idly patted the couch.

"So what was it, shorty?" Emmett asked, and I looked over. "Not that I'm not glad you did, but.. Why did you suddenly change your mind?"

What was it that changed my mind? How to put that in words?

"It's hard to explain." I sniffled quietly. "Long story. I just.. No matter what way I go, everything is always so dark. It's always so.. Hopeless, I guess. There was no hope anywhere. For anything. I don't want to live under his thumb. I never did, but.. I was trapped. All because of something I was born with."

I paused for a deep breath and a heavy sigh, but I went on.

"Until Mikah made up his mind. He gave me a light to follow, and I guess I was so eager to find a way out.. Any way out that meant I didn't have to kill myself.. I jumped at it."

"Leandra." Alice frowned.

"Trust me, I know." I muttered. "But before Mikah's help, even if everything went good, I would have still tried."

"That's what you were talking about." Emmett understood now. I nodded. "So what was the part you wanted?"

Even as tired and run down as I was, I couldn't fight the smile for very long at just the memory.

"A new goal, I guess." I replied vaguely. "He was looking to see what would happen if he decided to just let me stay. His life doesn't change, but mine only got better." I smiled again, but it faded as I looked down at my hands. "I don't even know if I can still have it."

"Whatever it is, you can have it." Emmett replied easily. I was reminded of the night Emmett randomly built me a tree house.

"You wouldn't say that if you knew what it was." I joked, but it was a sad one.

"Whatever it is, it made you happy." He countered. "Just now, when you thought about it, it made you happy. Even if it was for a second, you were happy. I've seen you that happy one other time since I met you. Whatever it is, I'll make sure you get it."

I almost couldn't believe how dedicated he was. I'd seen it before, but it really hit me just then. I was going to let it drop, but I just couldn't now.

"But why?" I couldn't help asking.

"Because you deserve it?" He also seemed confused. "How are we _still_ not on the same page, shorty?"

All I could do was shrug a little.

"It's just so weird, you know?" I asked quietly. "I guess I just feel so guilty."

"About what?" Emmett asked, frowning a little.

"Changing my mind." I answered. I sighed. "Something I swore I would never do."

"Leandra, we were _hoping_ you would." Alice reminded me. "You're standing up for yourself. That's a _good _thing."

I sighed again and stood up.

"I feel like I'm letting everyone down." I admitted, crossing my arms tightly. I was tired of sitting around.

"Definitely not." Esme replied before anyone else could. "Sweetheart, we're so proud of you."

"I should be." I said. "I know I should be, but there's so much that doesn't feel right. He was _so _sure when he left here. I guess that's just shaking me up. I've spent so long worrying about this, I can't even believe myself. Something isn't happening the way it should."

It took a few days. It took longer than I would have liked, but I felt the spark again. That spark of determination was back, but things had shifted. Instead of barreling forward, I was determined to stay right where I was. I was now holding onto my life with both hands, refusing to let it go, but again. Something was missing.

I stood there in my tree house, watching the trees for what felt like hours, waiting on the first step. When Mikah returned to the house, he made sure to walk human paced by my tree house. Going for the back way, knowing I would see his return.

I watched him closely, surprised that Jasper had gone with him. That was probably a good thing, considering the third person they had come back with. Jasper was good at making people see things his way. Smart.

The fact that this new person was here at all told me that things were moving forward, which was a good thing. A very good thing, so what was wrong?

I would stay up here until I was called down. I knew that was what my family would want, if only to get a feel for this guy first. I had to admit, though. I was very curious. I wanted to meet him too, but I would be good.

I got to watch from where I stood as my family did just that. Carlisle came out first, and from where I was, I could see the way they greeted each other. From that, I was able to gather that they had never met before.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but when this stranger turned and looked right up at me, I was put on edge. Until he smiled.

He was in his early twenties, maybe late teens. His dark brown hair was cut short, and he had this mischievous, boyish look to his features, but his smile reached his eyes. I was disarmed almost immediately. He was adorable.

Mikah waved me down, so I turned.

"You're the famous Leandra." Cole was the first to speak, even before I'd gotten there. I smiled a little. "It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Cole." His voice was quite deep. Strong, even when he spoke quietly.

"I know." I replied, and he smiled again, offering me his hand in greeting. I hesitated only a second before extending my own, but he only lightly gripped my fingers in his. The lightest pressure, with a small nod. He had such a natural charm to him. There was absolutely no way to not like this guy.

"Of course you do." Cole replied with a chuckle. He must have heard that part as well.

"Thank you for coming." I told him as he released my hand. I stuffed as much sincerity in my tone as I could.

"Of course." He replied again. "You have someone very valuable to me with you now, and you are very valuable to him. So.." He looked around at everyone else. "Let's talk. What can I do to help?"

"We need people." I replied before anyone else could. "And a _lot_ of them."

He slowly nodded. "I may have what you're looking for, but they may need a good reason."

I wasn't sure how much they'd already told him, so I fell quiet, and looked over at Mikah. He took the cue to start explaining fully. My family helped. Cole kept quiet during the whole explanation, but his expression gradually hardened, as if he didn't really like what he was hearing.

He looked at me during a silence after the explanation, and I could only nod in agreement with what everyone had said. His expression stayed stone, so I couldn't tell if he was upset at us or not.

"Essentially, you're only fighting for your freedom?" He wanted clarification. I nodded nervously. I knew it had to show on my face.

"Aro thinks my gift belongs to him because it works with his." I added quietly.

"Make no mistake, darling." Cole told me firmly. "You are not an accessory. You belong to you, and you belong where you think you need to belong. You've expressed your wishes, and he's intent on imposing his own. I would say that that's a very good reason."

I couldn't help sighing heavily in relief. He gave me a nod, and looked to Carlisle again.

"Right off the top of my head, I can almost guarantee you and your coven some numbers." He said. "Give me some time. We'll be in touch."

"There's one more thing." I muttered, gaining everyone's attention. Something was telling me to do this.

"Yes, ma'am?" Cole asked patiently.

"Aro has someone very important to me." I explained. "He took him from me, and I need to get him back. I can't leave him there."

"I see." Cole frowned a little in thought. "Keeping you out of his hands is one thing. A rescue mission may be a little more complicated. Depending on whether or not this friend of yours chooses to stay."

He had a point.

"I just need to talk to him." I pressed quietly. "I know I can get through to him."

Cole nodded a little, again in thought. I knew this was news to my family, and I glanced over apologetically. They didn't protest, though. Probably waiting to see what Cole would say about it.

"And he's not willing to give him up?" Cole asked, and I shook my head.

"He's using him as bait. He thinks if he's there, I'll change my mind about staying here."

"There maybe a solution to that." He mused. "If all you need to do is to talk to him, there is an option to do so peacefully. It would also give me a chance to better understand the situation."

"How?" I asked, unsure.

"Go anyway." He replied, and I cringed a little. "I'm sure you would have access to him there. Go with Aro on the appointed day, do your talking to him there, and convince him that he shouldn't be there." That could be done. "However, there is no guarantee that we can get you out. Everything I've heard of Volterra tells me that it would be extremely difficult to get to you. That would be up to you to find a way to do. After you do that, let us handle the rest."

I shook my head.

"I can't let Aro take my hand again." I countered. "He'll know everything. If I go with him willingly, it's going to happen."

"He can know." Cole assured me. "He can know everything you know right now. No secrets, as I believe the best approach to this would be mutual respect, and there's nothing more respectful than letting him know he's making a huge mistake." I liked this guy. "Aro has done a lot in his lifetime. He didn't get to where he is by being soft or stupid, so this isn't a task to take lightly by any means." I understood that part. "So if he takes your hand, that's okay, and if he chooses to see about it, well.."

He trailed off with a small smile. I had to admit, that was a new approach. Unsure, I looked over at Carlisle. If there was a way to get both my freedom and Josh, I would be the happiest person in the world. I could just as easily be Josh's bait.

I couldn't help being very drawn to that idea. Something about finally getting the best of Aro tempted me. I _could_ have both.

I knew full well that Josh wasn't going to be himself anymore, but I owed him more than just letting him rot there. Cole clearly wasn't afraid of anything, and his confidence gave me confidence. I actually trusted this person.

I could tell that nobody liked the idea, but I was already considering it.

"I like it." I smiled a little. "How would I get back out, though?" That was the hard part, and obviously, something I would have to think of on my own.

"You're playing a very dangerous game, Leandra." Jasper decided to chime in. "If you willingly go with Aro fully intending to betray him, that'll change things. Whatever you choose to do, do it carefully. Anything can happen."

He actually wasn't trying to talk me out of it. He was only telling me to consider the risks. He had a point, so I nodded.

"I know." I replied, grateful for his input.

"Is it really worth the risk?" He asked. I didn't even have to think about it.

"Yes." I looked over. "To me, it is. If you knew all the things Josh has done for me, you would agree. It's my fault he was taken. I have to make it right."

"He's not the same person, Leandra." Alice pointed out sadly.

"I know." I replied again. "But there might be enough of him left that can remember me. There has to be."

Jasper didn't like it, but to my surprise, he nodded.

"Then we'll figure something out." Emmett piped up. I had to smile, looking over at him. I was so glad they had my back. It was certainly a start.

"Just don't be surprised when we don't fill you in on anything else." Cole added. "If this is what you choose, you can't know everything. Only the very basics." I nodded easily. I wouldn't have wanted to know anything else if there was a chance Aro would know it too.

I felt confident that Mikah had just given my family a fighting chance, and a powerful friend at the same time. It felt like I'd finally taken a good step forward, instead of running in place my whole life.

I had a tough job ahead of me, I knew it, but it felt right. There was no hint of doubt that there was a very real chance I could pull this off too. There was just a whole hell of a lot of uncertain points. Missing decisions that would complete the picture. I could do it, though.

There was nothing I could do right then, though. I still had a bit of a wait ahead of me, but with a direction to go, I felt comforted. That small spark turned around. I had a new mission.

Aro had chosen the wrong person to take from me. He'd pressed the wrong button. I would get Josh back. One way or another. I would follow him anywhere, and he always felt the same. If Josh lost everything else about him when he was turned, I knew for sure he would keep _that_. No matter what kind of 'training' they put him through.

For the first time in a few days, I slept deeply that night. I dreamed a lot about Josh. The old Josh. The one I knew.

I felt impatient. I knew, though, that there was no way I could just walk right in and pull him out like I wanted to, but I had my sleeves back. I would bide my time. In a way, Aro's bait was working. He just didn't know what was coming.

As badly as I wanted to plan, I wouldn't plan until I actually got there. Planning before I even got there would be stupid, just as stupid as giving me details would have been, but underneath everything, I felt more than saw pieces falling into place. Like a stack of bricks, falling one by one. I didn't have to plan. I would know what to do.

The path would be there. All I had to do was prepare myself, and show up.

**END**

**AND There we have it. Another stepping stone. I hope everyone is comforted, at least a little bit by where this ended, and I fully intend on releasing the next story sometime in the next few weeks. It definitely won't be as long of a wait as this one was.  
Once more, I have to say a HUGE thank you to those that were kind enough to review! I can't even tell you how much I appreciate you guys!  
Next story will be a pretty rocky ride. In more than one way. ;) I highly suggest buying new seat belts, because it's bound to be something.  
Until next story, my lovelies!**


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